Dh says the spark has gone !

[sparklyunicorntits]

So I've namechanged for this.
Sorry if this is abit waffly, I'm just typing it out the way I'm thinking it so bear with me.

Dh and I in bed last night just laying there chatting /getting in the mood, and dh says he misses the feeling of being in love. well I didn't see that one coming ! We had a conversation about how he feels like the spark has gone and how to get it back, and what do I think?! Well I guess I've been feeling very flat lately myself, definitely do not get butterflies anymore when he walks into a room but I just thought that was a part of a long term relationship/marriage. He also added that he thinks I am an absolutely amazing mum to our 3dc but our marriage is a bit neglected and that he's not blaming anyone but that's just the way he feels.

So as not to drip feed, we have 3 young dc like I said to whom I am a sahm, he has a demanding job with long hours but it pays very well so we can afford a very comfortable lifestyle, big beautiful house, nice things , meals out etc. However I have zero help with childcare (I have lost both parents in the past 8 years) so most of my time goes on the dc, all the housework, dinner, dc homework, clubs that kind of thing. Dh can't usually take off during school holidays so during school holidays it's even more of a juggle for me trying to maintain the home, abit of routine, taking the dc out etc. Come evening I am absolutely drained and have very very little (if any) interest in adult conversation. My sex drive is non existent (sorry if tmi but I think it's relevant), I thought it might be due to the fact that I was a stone heavier after dc3 (who is 20 months old) so I went on a diet and lost the stone but I still feel the same and I think dh takes that a bit personal but honestly it isn't , i just can't be bothered. Sounds so uncaring but it is what it is! Before anyone asks, I am not depressed or on any oral contraception/any other medication. I have been through a fair bit with the loss of my parents but life stops for no one unfortunately and we carry our grief within us every single day but I have young children to attend to and life must go on. Dh does what he can (school run in the morning, putting out the bins, gardens maintenance) but as he works long hours it's hard for him also. He is usually home for the dc bedtime but I always do bedtime alone, he doesn't really help out with the dc and then wonders why I'm so tired 🙄 We havnt been out in ages just the two of us, the dc are always with us and it is abit of a drain to be honest but we don't have the childcare and we dont trust to use any babysitting services that we don't know on a personal level so that rules that out. Our relationship has actually been reduced to funny anecdotes about the dc, requests for milk or cake on the way home and/or home renovation talks. Fuck that makes us sound so dull

I feel a bit annoyed actually, and I don't really understand why! I guess it's because although I know how he's feeling and I feel the same way, i just feel like he's rocking the boat for no reason, does that make sense? I just feel like I'm working so hard to keep on top of everything and he's now saying the spark has gone or is going. I mean after 16 years together (I got together with him when I was young, now in my mid thirties) , 3dc and a fuck load of responsibilities, what does he expect ? He's always going on about the 'good old days' (at uni, when we lay in a single bed all day and HAD NO CHILDREN) but it's a completely different life now! Did I mention the 3dc

So anyway, don't know if anyone has made head or tail of this load of waffle but I guess what I'm saying is what do you all think of it and any pearls of wisdom would be hugely appreciated.

And people are very eager to make you see the necessity of changing because they will know - often from their own lives - what it's like to have a relationship end with one partner's head being turned and wreaking havoc. You have a husband who is communicating his worries with you and you have money to address the issue so please do take heed! Sounds like you recognise it anyway and that's fantastic.

@chansondematin OP, my DH said almost exactly the same words to me. I brushed them aside, merely exasperated by his inability to recognise how busy, busy, busy I was, with work, the DC, the house, all the bloody wifework. His head had been turned by someone at work who had time for him. He was trying to tell me but I didn't hear it.

We're still together but his affair tore my heart apart. I don't excuse his appalling behaviour, nor does he, but when I accused him of never having told me he was unhappy or felt lonely in our marriage, he replied that he had, he really had. And he was right.

Your DH sounds lovely. You sound amazing - I think you would be fab to drink wine with. Drink wine with your husband - summer's lease hath all too short a date 

I'm so sorry for your heartache chans I have read your post and taken your advice on board , thank you so much for sharing your experiences with me x

Oh and I would love to drink wine with you too or even a !

I think many of us feel like this. I also have 3 small DC and it is bloody exhausting!

Assuming you can afford it, get a babysitter through a trusted organisation like Sitters.co.uk, even just once a month. It will allow you and dh to get out the house without the kids for a bit and just talk etc. Also, it sounds like you are comfortably off, in which case do not feel bad about doing what you can to reduce the load a bit - cleaner and regular babysitter!

It's so good that your husband has articulated his thoughts to you - you both have an opportunity to make some little changes to your lives which will hopefully improve matters. I agree with the kinder posters on here who have suggested outsourcing the mundane cleaning and ironing, and buying in some reliable childcare so you can have date nights with your husband. While my circumstances were slightly different, many years ago I had a crisis after the loss of both my parents, within two years of each other. My lovely husband realised the problem, I was exhausted after looking after my dad, juggling a job and having a young child too. In effect I was running two homes along with everything else. He strongly suggested I walked away from my job and giving myself time to grieve, refocus and get my mojo back. I did exactly that, rediscovered myself and this led to a much more rewarding career which started by volunteering in a local school. Even when at my most stressed, I made a rule that once dinner and child's bedtime were out of the way, I never did anything else but sat down and spent the evening with my husband. You owe it to yourself and your husband to spend those evenings together, communication is everything. Have you, hand on heart, have had time to fully grieve for your dear parents? Or are you suppressing it by being 'busy'? Do you have some girl pals that you can go out and have some fun with, too? Or a pilates class with a creche? The library stuff run by their librarians with toddlers is fun too. Maybe a bit more balance in your life would help you? If you find yourself and your spark, then the spark will also come back naturally in your relationship. A house is just that, a framework for us all to live our lives in - it can be 'good enough' - it absolutely doesn't have to be perfect!!!

Just listened to the Sali Hughes podcast about the maintenance shag, love the woman even more now

I'll leave a link for anyone interested

https://www.google.co.uk/amp/s/www.listennotes.com/podcasts/the-hotbed/the-maintenance-shag-with--Urz92xpCXJ/ampp^^/^

I meant to add, thank you to @Notcoolmum for the recommendation. Brilliant food for thought.

Aw thanks sparklyunicorn I’m a Sali fan too and found it interesting.

When dh takes the day off next week......don’t do jobs......shag the bones of him.
Walk around naked.

Eat pizza in bed.

We are going to Bath for the weekend next week for our anniversary and that’s pretty much our plan!!

It sounds like you have been avoiding your DH
You would rather spend every evening cleaning, than spend time with your DH

@BentBaastard Sounds like a plan enjoy !

We have planned to go out though and have a civilised lunch ... may have to save the naked pizza for the following day off

t will be an unpopular opinion, but so many threads where the husband has had an affair eventually reveal that the wife has devoted herself to the children, no sex, no time alone together but is shocked that the husband has had an affair. Yes the husband is wrong and a total and utter disgrace, but the scenario is repeated over and over again in the relationship threads. Do with that information what you will, it isn't your job to keep him happy but both of you need to change things a little if you want to remain married. You need to make time for him, he needs to make time for you to have time to yourself and pull his weight more.

This
Thank you @GummyGoddess
What sound advise
I have seen this so many times
So many times with the LTB trotted out.
But what do you learn ?
All relationships take time and effort.

"and he was committed to taking more time off work and helping out a bit more around the house (without me redoing things)"

Would that see a reduction in his income? Perhaps it would be more efficient to hire a cleaner? But you re-doing whatever he does is a huge disincentive for him to help out, but good to see you recognize this and are working on changing. it. Of course the message this sends is that he should butt out of housework, which is a good excuse for him to not bother with it.