Dh says the spark has gone !

[sparklyunicorntits]

So I've namechanged for this.
Sorry if this is abit waffly, I'm just typing it out the way I'm thinking it so bear with me.

Dh and I in bed last night just laying there chatting /getting in the mood, and dh says he misses the feeling of being in love. well I didn't see that one coming ! We had a conversation about how he feels like the spark has gone and how to get it back, and what do I think?! Well I guess I've been feeling very flat lately myself, definitely do not get butterflies anymore when he walks into a room but I just thought that was a part of a long term relationship/marriage. He also added that he thinks I am an absolutely amazing mum to our 3dc but our marriage is a bit neglected and that he's not blaming anyone but that's just the way he feels.

So as not to drip feed, we have 3 young dc like I said to whom I am a sahm, he has a demanding job with long hours but it pays very well so we can afford a very comfortable lifestyle, big beautiful house, nice things , meals out etc. However I have zero help with childcare (I have lost both parents in the past 8 years) so most of my time goes on the dc, all the housework, dinner, dc homework, clubs that kind of thing. Dh can't usually take off during school holidays so during school holidays it's even more of a juggle for me trying to maintain the home, abit of routine, taking the dc out etc. Come evening I am absolutely drained and have very very little (if any) interest in adult conversation. My sex drive is non existent (sorry if tmi but I think it's relevant), I thought it might be due to the fact that I was a stone heavier after dc3 (who is 20 months old) so I went on a diet and lost the stone but I still feel the same and I think dh takes that a bit personal but honestly it isn't , i just can't be bothered. Sounds so uncaring but it is what it is! Before anyone asks, I am not depressed or on any oral contraception/any other medication. I have been through a fair bit with the loss of my parents but life stops for no one unfortunately and we carry our grief within us every single day but I have young children to attend to and life must go on. Dh does what he can (school run in the morning, putting out the bins, gardens maintenance) but as he works long hours it's hard for him also. He is usually home for the dc bedtime but I always do bedtime alone, he doesn't really help out with the dc and then wonders why I'm so tired 🙄 We havnt been out in ages just the two of us, the dc are always with us and it is abit of a drain to be honest but we don't have the childcare and we dont trust to use any babysitting services that we don't know on a personal level so that rules that out. Our relationship has actually been reduced to funny anecdotes about the dc, requests for milk or cake on the way home and/or home renovation talks. Fuck that makes us sound so dull

I feel a bit annoyed actually, and I don't really understand why! I guess it's because although I know how he's feeling and I feel the same way, i just feel like he's rocking the boat for no reason, does that make sense? I just feel like I'm working so hard to keep on top of everything and he's now saying the spark has gone or is going. I mean after 16 years together (I got together with him when I was young, now in my mid thirties) , 3dc and a fuck load of responsibilities, what does he expect ? He's always going on about the 'good old days' (at uni, when we lay in a single bed all day and HAD NO CHILDREN) but it's a completely different life now! Did I mention the 3dc

So anyway, don't know if anyone has made head or tail of this load of waffle but I guess what I'm saying is what do you all think of it and any pearls of wisdom would be hugely appreciated.

I think you are very lucky he has mentioned this while it still seems to be salvageable, so often on here its only mentioned when they are walking out the door into the arms of an attentive OW
I was in a similar position but in my case my DH had his head turned. Where i was lucky was that she was wasn't interested, although given his wealth it was surprising.
It was a wake up call for both of us, its so easy to get consumed by kids/work/life and you end up making more of an effort for the man on the street than you do for your other half. We have regained the spark and a year on while we may have fallen back into some bad habits we are so much nicer to each other and both make a concerted effort most of the time. I think you need to take this seriously, what is more important, cleaning or your marriage ? You have money, throw some money at the problem.

@Jaxhog - he is doing something. He's talking to his wife about it and that's the first step. It's a couple issue, not for him - or her - to fix alone.

Its one thing to discuss improving your marriage but conversations about sparks and feeling in love is unrealistic and ridiculous

This is so true.

I really disagree with the common advice that to "get the spark back" you should be going on dates. You will never get the spark back, that is physically impossible. It's not the way the human body works. It's like saying it's a shame you get grey hair and wrinkles as you get older. Yes I suppose it is but it is a fact of life.

And nothing makes this more obvious than sitting there in silence, all dressed up on some outing that neither of you really want to go on.

Anyway what's wrong with talking about home renos and trading funny dc anecdotes?

The thing is, there's nothing wrong with talking about home Reno's and funny things your kids said but I don't want it to be just that!

And whoever said we'd be all dressed up on a meal out and sitting there in silence not wanting to be there etc couldn't be further from reality! I would bloody love it if we could leave the dc with someone reliable at home and get out alone and I'm sure dh would too, the main issue is the childcare.

And the cleaning of course. I do clean late into the evening, until 10/10:30pm sometimes most days dh just sits in a room alone watching tv/falling asleep while waiting for me to finish. I do need to change this I realise now.

Do you think he wants to save things OP?

Get.A.Cleaner.

Yanno I've never met a single person who was resistant to cleaners who didn't get accustomed to it quite quickly. I'm sure there are those who it didn't work out for but I've never met one.

It does sound as if you're knackered, take the strain off for a trial period. What harm will it do?

And whoever said we'd be all dressed up on a meal out and sitting there in silence not wanting to be there etc couldn't be further from reality

OK well if that's true just have those great conversations you can have at home, over dinner or in bed. I'm not saying don't go out if you don't want, in fact I think you should and I'm a big fan of babysitters myself. But I've just found that being "on a date" doesn't inspire romance as many people assume. It's just the same convos in a different setting.

*if you want I mean, not if you don't want

You need to address your anxiety.

Neglect other areas of your life but not your DH. So leave the ironing and housework, that's less important than your marriage. You can get someone else to do that for you and help with the garden etc. Could you find a cleaner who would be willing to be a mothers help, babysitter etc.

Have a date night once a month. Dress up as if it's a first date, candlelit dinner etc.

I think he was right to say what he did. He's being honest.

I don't think it's his problem to fix alone and you're contributing to the problem with being so fussy. You clean after him, you don't want a cleaner...

When you get to joint custody and have a nice clean house, you won't be happy about it.

If they're ate things he can do, without you redoing them...then get him to do those things. Would you be okay if he did bathtime sometimes? Or put them to bed?

Long answer short, throw money at the problem.

Register with sitters (if you can) and go out by yourselves or with friends 3 or 4 times a month.

Get people round for dinner. Plenty of options to by high quality meals you chuck in the oven if you dont want to cook.

Get a cleaner / someone to do the ironing

Feck all use earning lots of money if you dont know how to spend it.

I do clean late into the evening, until 10/10:30pm sometimes most days blush dh just sits in a room alone watching tv/falling asleep while waiting for me to finish. I do need to change this I realise no

Nobody needs to be doing this unless they live in a castle. It sounds to me you have immersed yourself in the role of mum/cleaner.

I don't think it's at the stage where our marriage needs 'saving'. At least I hope it's not. I think he was just expressing a concern, which I have taken on board. I'll arrange for the ironing lady again, I'm planning on cutting down on cleaning in the evening , so just a quick clean up after dinner and then relax together with dh. I've also just arranged for my friend to have the baby one day next week and dh said he will take the day off so we can go out alone while the older two are at school.

Dh said he will start taking days off work, once a week so we can do something together. I guess he could do bathtime but it just means more cleaning for me to afterwards so scrap that
sorry; can't change overnight !

I've had one cleaner in the past who has been absolutely brilliant - I will consider getting in touch with her again to discuss times and things like that.

I'm sure there are good babysitting websites about. You can ask at your nearest nursery too, the younger staff often do babysitting in their spare time and you know they are experienced, trained and DBS checked. Go and have some fun, it sounds like you deserve it.

Ask friends for babysitting recommendations. Try some, even if you just pop out for an hour the first few times.
And if you need to spend that many hours cleaning you're doing something wrong.

I think the advice to start off by asking him what HE is going to change to fix the problem is fucking dreadful advice!

OP from all that you’ve written here, I can empathise with your DH, tbh. I think it’s really positive that you’ve already realised that the amount of cleaning etc you’re doing is excessive and unnecessary, and can see why/how things have gone a bit stale between the two of you.

You’re in a great position if money’s not an issue - why not spend some on your own wellbeing, knowing that doing so is likely to improve your marriage? I’d personally start with getting some therapy, if you feel it would be helpful, to help with the anxiety, the controlling behaviour (it’s really destructive to love, I me), processing the grief about your mum, finding ‘you’ again. Get a cleaner, find a reliable babysitter, pursue an interest that isn’t cleaning the house, make some time to reconnect with your DH. And the correct answer to your sister would have been ‘because I’ve got more interesting things to do than ironing’.

*I me was supposed to be ime (in my experience). Bloody autocorrect. 🙄

I haven’t RTFT so apologies if this has already been said, but WHY don’t you have help?

‘It seems like a waste of money’ - Well that’s rather interpretive, paying £50 a week for a good cleaner and booking the kids into a really good weekend/after school activity (and the youngest into play school) once a week- but having a bit of time to yourself and your sanity restored.

If you couldn’t afford it that’d be one thing but if you’re choosing not to that’s another.

I totally feel for you in your situation and it’s a pretty common one on here. Ofc you’re allowed to feel how you feel but it seems what you’re saying is ‘I don’t really want to do stuff, have sex with or really talk to, my husband and now he’s not happy.’

🤔 - mine wouldn’t be either.

You’re stressed and tired - do something about it if you have the money to! If DH ‘does more’ you’ll just both end up tired and stressed which is highly unlikely to fix anything.

Yes, I agree with howling throw money at it. Outsource the ironing and cleaning (even if you do some of it again, it will still save time) get some childcare in the day too so you can have some time for you/a new hobby. Register with an agency for evening child care. Seems like you might have lost yourself in the drudge of being mum/housekeeper. Also book a holiday so you can have some fun time away from everything.
I agree with pp that it’s actually good that your dh is communicating with you, but I don’t think you should necessarily bat it back to him to find a solution. By thinking about your own needs more and not just the house and dc you might find things improve anyway.

I think it is lovely that you are both looking at this before it is too late. Also great that your husband is going to cut back on his work. No point in working all the hours God sends if your home life is imploding.

@sparklyunicorntits

That sounds like reasonable steps! Please follow through in getting in contact with those people. It's hard to let things go but you will feel the benefit.

It seems like you're both ready and so willing to address this situation and that's great!

I hope your afternoon out will be awesome.

I think this sounds like a great opportunity for you to set yourselves up for the next 16 years. I get the anxiety and control - you feel adrift after your mother passed and as a SAHM you're feeling like you have to justify your existence so you're making everything as perfect as it can be.

But it's not healthy for you - you need to find your way back.

It's excellent that your DH is able to use his words too - so many people can't - and it means you'll be able to find solutions together.

But you need time together - why not start with a regular booking with someone like Sitters so you have a weekly night out to get dinner, see a movie, or just drive into the country and look at stars?

And cleaning till 10 isn't good for you - or your things - you'll be wearing the finish off your taps! How can you cut that down? And can you write down how specifically you want things cleaned, so you can hand since stuff off to a cleaner?

And send the ironing out again.

Give yourself some space and breathing room. Get bored, so you need to find a hobby or an interest. Get some projects going, so you can get the joy of finishing things.

And keep talking to your DH - he sounds like a good man.

I also agree you need to make time for your marriage. He is clearly saying he isn't happy in the relationship.

It will be an unpopular opinion, but so many threads where the husband has had an affair eventually reveal that the wife has devoted herself to the children, no sex, no time alone together but is shocked that the husband has had an affair. Yes the husband is wrong and a total and utter disgrace, but the scenario is repeated over and over again in the relationship threads. Do with that information what you will, it isn't your job to keep him happy but both of you need to change things a little if you want to remain married. You need to make time for him, he needs to make time for you to have time to yourself and pull his weight more.

K, that took forever to type on a phone so I see you're taking good steps already, hooray :-)