Dh says the spark has gone !

[sparklyunicorntits]

So I've namechanged for this.
Sorry if this is abit waffly, I'm just typing it out the way I'm thinking it so bear with me.

Dh and I in bed last night just laying there chatting /getting in the mood, and dh says he misses the feeling of being in love. well I didn't see that one coming ! We had a conversation about how he feels like the spark has gone and how to get it back, and what do I think?! Well I guess I've been feeling very flat lately myself, definitely do not get butterflies anymore when he walks into a room but I just thought that was a part of a long term relationship/marriage. He also added that he thinks I am an absolutely amazing mum to our 3dc but our marriage is a bit neglected and that he's not blaming anyone but that's just the way he feels.

So as not to drip feed, we have 3 young dc like I said to whom I am a sahm, he has a demanding job with long hours but it pays very well so we can afford a very comfortable lifestyle, big beautiful house, nice things , meals out etc. However I have zero help with childcare (I have lost both parents in the past 8 years) so most of my time goes on the dc, all the housework, dinner, dc homework, clubs that kind of thing. Dh can't usually take off during school holidays so during school holidays it's even more of a juggle for me trying to maintain the home, abit of routine, taking the dc out etc. Come evening I am absolutely drained and have very very little (if any) interest in adult conversation. My sex drive is non existent (sorry if tmi but I think it's relevant), I thought it might be due to the fact that I was a stone heavier after dc3 (who is 20 months old) so I went on a diet and lost the stone but I still feel the same and I think dh takes that a bit personal but honestly it isn't , i just can't be bothered. Sounds so uncaring but it is what it is! Before anyone asks, I am not depressed or on any oral contraception/any other medication. I have been through a fair bit with the loss of my parents but life stops for no one unfortunately and we carry our grief within us every single day but I have young children to attend to and life must go on. Dh does what he can (school run in the morning, putting out the bins, gardens maintenance) but as he works long hours it's hard for him also. He is usually home for the dc bedtime but I always do bedtime alone, he doesn't really help out with the dc and then wonders why I'm so tired 🙄 We havnt been out in ages just the two of us, the dc are always with us and it is abit of a drain to be honest but we don't have the childcare and we dont trust to use any babysitting services that we don't know on a personal level so that rules that out. Our relationship has actually been reduced to funny anecdotes about the dc, requests for milk or cake on the way home and/or home renovation talks. Fuck that makes us sound so dull

I feel a bit annoyed actually, and I don't really understand why! I guess it's because although I know how he's feeling and I feel the same way, i just feel like he's rocking the boat for no reason, does that make sense? I just feel like I'm working so hard to keep on top of everything and he's now saying the spark has gone or is going. I mean after 16 years together (I got together with him when I was young, now in my mid thirties) , 3dc and a fuck load of responsibilities, what does he expect ? He's always going on about the 'good old days' (at uni, when we lay in a single bed all day and HAD NO CHILDREN) but it's a completely different life now! Did I mention the 3dc

So anyway, don't know if anyone has made head or tail of this load of waffle but I guess what I'm saying is what do you all think of it and any pearls of wisdom would be hugely appreciated.

Definitely agree it's a good idea for you both to commit to making changes. Getting the spark back isn't just your responsibility. Things like redoing a job he has done must stop though. That's very infantilising and likely to cause resentment. You aren't his mum and it is both if yours home so there is t really a right way and a wrong way. That will be hard for you to relinquish control of though I think.

I think it's a great conversation to have. You've admitted he's right. Far better to discuss this now.
I'd be right on it with YES - let's go out, romance me, let's laugh, comedy nights please... etc. etc.

You sound very very controlling of your household and childcare role though, is there really nothing you'd accept help with? I do think you need to adress this otherwise you'll never be able to find yourself as an individual again. Its you as an individual he fell in love with, not your cleaning or even your mothering and not your tutoring... where has you gone? how can you get you back?

If the housework and be the kids leave you too tired to engage with intellectually or physically with your husband then you should ask for help. I think you should get a cleaner and put as much effort into yourself and to him as you do housework. We don’t have to be superwoman- get a babysitter and cleaner and as long as it’s clean who cares if it’sdone your particular way or not.

You do have an overdeveloped sense of its all my responsibility. I can’t imagine giving a flying duck if my sister had opinions about my ironing or lack thereof she wanted to share. Go back to getting it outsourced. And find a babysitter and leave your children with them. It really is ridiculous you feel you can’t do this. I also can’t imagine a world where my dh came home before bedtime and didn’t pitch in. He’s more likely to pour me a glass of wine and I sit down while he takes over with bedtime!

So I think - more date nights. Also, your dh needs to spend time with them on his own and you considee something you can do. At the same time, you need to talk to him. He’s trying to talk to you . By talk to him, I don’t mean take responsibility. Stare into the mirror and say our marriage is both our responsibility. I can’t clean it, i can’t make it work on my own.

Sorry, but people like your DH really irritate me. He thinks the 'spark' is gone?? The spark of having newly met a person you're strongly attracted to, before you take on joint responsibilities and basically adult up a bit? Oh well, diddums. Things change. He has different responsibilities now. Nothing takes the freshly minted gleam off a relationship like having to work out household budgets, arrange childcare, sort out schooling issues, etc.

Why do some people (women as well as men) think that you can sustain that 'newly in love' feeling indefinitely? It's a really unreasonable expectation for all but a lucky (or lying) few.

OP, I'm sorry you don't feel like sex. I don't either. My libido is entirely absent and now that he's on ADs, so is DH's. We have joint responsibilities, high levels of stress (his job, my lack of one) and a DC with severe autism (which I feel has led to stress-induced libido loss). Shit happens. But we still have a laugh, we have shared interests (some books, tv, politics) though maybe not enough, and enjoy holidays. We try to go out together, but it's bloody hard to find a babysitter for my DS with ASD. I try to accentuate our positives, and maybe one day my desire to actually have sex will return. (and his) But sex isn't the be-all and end-all in a long-term relationship.

I didn't read the OP's post as being focused on sex. Both of their concerns seemed to be wider than that.

But for some sex is very important in a relationship.
I think he was right to raise this. It's not about a 'spark' or necessarily sex but it's about having time together, shared interests etc and it sounds like that's not really happening.

Better to raise it now and do something about it.

OP, I'm sorry you don't feel like sex. I don't either. sad My libido is entirely absent and now that he's on ADs, so is DH's. sad We have joint responsibilities, high levels of stress (his job, my lack of one) and a DC with severe autism (which I feel has led to stress-induced libido loss). Shit happens. But we still have a laugh, we have shared interests (some books, tv, politics) though maybe not enough, and enjoy holidays. We try to go out together, but it's bloody hard to find a babysitter for my DS with ASD. I try to accentuate our positives, and maybe one day my desire to actually have sex will return. (and his) But sex isn't the be-all and end-all in a long-term relationship.

How inspiring...

I don't think that OP's issue is about sex in that way, but tbh sex is an important part of many romantic relatioships and to pretend it isn't is misleading.

Good luck OP on getting your mojo back - the fact he's raised it as something that worries him is a very good sign. Work together on time alone - I'm sure he could take a day off now and again if given ample notice.

And as for the poster who stated that the marriage would end after the children left home - what a nasty, sad and bitter comment to make. Shame on you.

I'm here reading all the replies and taking everything on board. Thank you x

I just remembered he said something along the lines of locking up love, as in just because we've had children and got married doesn't mean we lock away our love for each other.

It sounds like he’s just presented the OP with another problem to solve. Why couldn’t he work out that no time together alone doesn’t help, that a knackered wife isn’t going to be too bothered about sex, that his dc would enjoy bedtime with him half the week as well as being better for his partner.
No it’s just “I’m not in love” which anyone with an ounce of sense would know was a hurtful thing to hear.

It could be that your H used the wrong word and he meant the connection rather than the spark. It sounds like you both work hard, albeit in different ways and there is little time for you to be adults together, rather than just employee/dad/mum.

It is hard outsourcing care of your children to someone else, but you must stop feeling you have to do everything when you have other options. If you use the same babysitter, then eventually they will become familiar and trusted, or go with an agency where they will have been vetted appropriately. Get a childminder, or find a holiday club. You need to make yourself happy before you can hope to make anyone else feel that way.

Book a holiday, get a cleaner (even if you do some bits yourself again after), go on some dates, find yourself a hobby. Plan this together as that is the first step towards reconnecting, both of you demonstrating that the relationship is important to you rather than one person taking on the mental/emotional load. Can your H reduce his hours for one day a week? Take it in turns planning dates.

People are criticising him, but I think it is good to have open channels of communication. Think about how many times on here someone has come on to say their partner has had an affair and they have been criticised for not speaking to OP about how they felt beforehand. Or how people talk about their children leaving home and feeling lost and disconnected from their partner. He is obviously trying to address that and even though it isn't nice to hear, it is good that he is still invested.

Relationships are not like in the movies, they take work and commitment from both sides and part of that is carving out a little space and time for you to do that. It doesn't make you lazy or a bad person to ask for help, or to pay for it when you can. Yes, you are parents, but you are people too and you deserve to have an identity outside of your children - I also think this is a good example to set to children anyway for their own future development.

I'm going to go out on a limb here - what a lovely, lovely husband you have.

Why? Because he's actually talking to you about how he feels. It sounds as though you are both working really hard - him at providing and you at running the house and family - and you are describing an all-to-common issue; your relationship has got 'lost'. Too many people think the spark has gone and they go looking for it somewhere else, but your husband isn't doing that.

I love the phrase 'running a nursery with someone you used to date'. It's so true!!! So, walk through that door your husband has opened for you and when you are in a quiet place together again, (like bed! It's the only place for peace, isn't it?), reopen the conversation and come up with a plan together. Maybe you do need a hobby and a cleaner, but it's more likely that you both need to make some time to enjoy each other's company and rediscover the person you fell in love with. That involves him taking a bit of time off work and getting a baby sitter. It doesn't matter what you do with the time you have - just go for a walk or do any of the things you did when you were dating. It's time on your won that matters. Oh, and make time for sex too. I promise you, it sounds ew!! but it really does work. A marriage takes work, more than most people ever imagine and your lovely husband is telling you that your marriage needs attention - not in a 'blame' kind of way but in a 'what do we do now?' kind of way.

Again - out on a limb - you're a lucky woman. Many spouses, men and women, just walk rather than have this conversation.

@Iggi999 I know where you're coming from but he is also knackered working 7 days a week and he didn't exactly say I'm not in love, he was talking more about that feeling of excitement which I can relate to myself, and I'm not actually hurt, because of the tone of the conversation and the kind of communication we have, it's hard to relay everything in writing on here but it wasn't said in a hurtful way at all.

It sounds like you have money so do these things for 6 months and see if it helps.

1. join a gym that has a crèche (like David Lloyd etc). Few times a week put your preschool kids in the crèche for an hour and go do a class. Yoga, swimming, whatever. This has multi benefits. Gives you personal space. Gets you fit (so you’re more likely to be in the mood for romance), gives you something other than house and kids to talk to DH about in the evening = spark
2. find a local babysitter and book them in for every other Saturday eve or once a month to start with. Pre book this for 6 months. Then go out. Doesn’t matter where. Start with a local restaurant or a couple of hours at the pub or bowling. Somewhere you do something just the two of you.

If after 6 months of doing that there’s still no spark then you can have another conversation about it. Try first though. At least then you and he will both know for sure.

Ps I’ve got friends who have done both of those things with 3 kids and it saved their relationships. Maybe worth a try?

I don’t know your dcs ages but if primary and pre school this is a tough time - I’ve found things get a lot easier as they grow and need need round the clock monitoring. I even have hobbies now!

He’s telling you he wants to regain your relationship and I would bet that does mean sex and intimacy sometimes.

Yes, he does need to be part of the solution but to be fair you are putting up obstacles to help with cleaning or childcare when it does sound as if you could do with the help.

A friend of mine had a mother’s help between 3-7 a few days a week and I was SO jealous. She did a bit of everything and anything. Just helped. An agency would help you employ someone like this.

You’ve allowed yourself to be swallowed up and need to resurface for your own sake. Join a class, take up a new hobby, talk about something other than your dc. I promise you you will be pleased you did.

Dh and I went to a concert recently (something we’d have done when dating) and it really made me look at him differently - maybe there’s something you used to do that would recreate the exciting feelings? But the feel of something truly new - that feeling goes to be replaced by something deeper. He could get it with an affair but that’s a short term fix with a shed load of problems attached.

OP, you said you're a bit annoyed at your husband for "rocking the boat" which I totally get, but really, maybe the boat does need to be rocked a tad. It sounds like he loves you and wants you two to be more connected; he's not wanting to capsize the boat and end things, but maybe you are drifting towards an unhappy and unfulfilling marriage.

No sex generally means little intimacy, and most people need that in a healthy marriage. Not everyone, but some. I would ask your DH how he wants to get this "spark" back - it's as much down to him as you.

Grief is exhausting and wraps a blanket round your feelings. Keeping busy avoids feelings. Counselling may help.
Join a baby sitting circle, you trade credits for babysitting and having yours sat for. Get some regular time for you alone, to do a yoga class, swim or something which will nurture you. Dp can manage for a couple of hours. Also a regular time for you and him to go out and enjoy each other's company. It will get easier.

OP this is definitely something you both have to work on. I would also suggest grief counselling / counselling generally as it sounds like you still have some issues from your losses that you have stuffed down with a stiff upper lip. And with the cleaning etc, it's obviously the one domain you feel that you can 'control' which is why you are so attached to it.

But its your relationships with people and yourself that bring you satisfaction. Your husband is clearly bringing this to your attention for a reason and you both need to brainstorm and take action.

You need to work on your control issues. It may have been a good coping mechanism when you lost your parents, but doing the washing up and the ironing and the tidying isn't the point of life. It will always be there.

And if you have money, then you have time. Time to pick up a hobby, volunteer, go out on date nights. Get pampering like a massage or your nails done. All of these things will add to your general satisfaction and pride in life and that pleasure will extend to your relationship

It sounds like you take stock of everyone else's opinions but don't have your own. I would love to have someone in to do my ironing! You sound like a people pleaser but in life you also need to please yourself

Iggi999 if OP won't accept her husband's contributions to the housework (and I would guess it's not strategic incompetence on his part if OP thinks a professional cleaner wouldn't be good enough either) then what else can he do to ease his wife knackeredness? He was obviously happy for family finances to go towards ironing so he's not like "you're a SAHP so it should be your job" - it was OP herself who put a stop to that.

OP you've said he's brought this issue up a few times but you've not listened until he dropped "the spark has gone" bomb. I think that him persisting in trying to talk to you is a good sign that he wants to save your relationship. My ex was like you in that I told him repeatedly I was unhappy yet when I left him he was genuinely as shocked and surprised as if I'd not said a word. Seems like there might be a bit of a theme where you are dismissing many of the things he says and does - from how he does the chores to his thoughts on your marriage. I hope you can work things out together as from here it does sound like you have the foundations of a strong relationship. As my counsellor was fond of saying "what you feed grows, what you starve dies." Don't starve your marriage at the expense of doing the dishes your way.

By the way OP I struggled with low libido and lack of desire for initimacy with my partnet related to anxiety. I also didn't take my DP seriously at first when he raised his concerns. Couples therapy with a sex positive therapist was really helpful for me (I also receive regular counselling for my anxiety). We now have a mucb better relationship but it requires effort from both of use to manage our stress levels and carve out time both for ourselves and as a couple.

Does he mean in lust or love. Love does change over the years after being married for 30 years I feel our love has changed to comfortable love, a bit like coming home and putting on pjs and slippers.

If he means lust you're in trouble

It's funny how men say this, but then do nothing to fix it. Like it's your fault and responsibility to do something about it.

But I do think you need to rethink the babysitting/childminding option if you can afford it. This is the only thing that will give you time together as a couple. It sounds like you could do with a break too.