Dh says the spark has gone !

[sparklyunicorntits]

So I've namechanged for this.
Sorry if this is abit waffly, I'm just typing it out the way I'm thinking it so bear with me.

Dh and I in bed last night just laying there chatting /getting in the mood, and dh says he misses the feeling of being in love. well I didn't see that one coming ! We had a conversation about how he feels like the spark has gone and how to get it back, and what do I think?! Well I guess I've been feeling very flat lately myself, definitely do not get butterflies anymore when he walks into a room but I just thought that was a part of a long term relationship/marriage. He also added that he thinks I am an absolutely amazing mum to our 3dc but our marriage is a bit neglected and that he's not blaming anyone but that's just the way he feels.

So as not to drip feed, we have 3 young dc like I said to whom I am a sahm, he has a demanding job with long hours but it pays very well so we can afford a very comfortable lifestyle, big beautiful house, nice things , meals out etc. However I have zero help with childcare (I have lost both parents in the past 8 years) so most of my time goes on the dc, all the housework, dinner, dc homework, clubs that kind of thing. Dh can't usually take off during school holidays so during school holidays it's even more of a juggle for me trying to maintain the home, abit of routine, taking the dc out etc. Come evening I am absolutely drained and have very very little (if any) interest in adult conversation. My sex drive is non existent (sorry if tmi but I think it's relevant), I thought it might be due to the fact that I was a stone heavier after dc3 (who is 20 months old) so I went on a diet and lost the stone but I still feel the same and I think dh takes that a bit personal but honestly it isn't , i just can't be bothered. Sounds so uncaring but it is what it is! Before anyone asks, I am not depressed or on any oral contraception/any other medication. I have been through a fair bit with the loss of my parents but life stops for no one unfortunately and we carry our grief within us every single day but I have young children to attend to and life must go on. Dh does what he can (school run in the morning, putting out the bins, gardens maintenance) but as he works long hours it's hard for him also. He is usually home for the dc bedtime but I always do bedtime alone, he doesn't really help out with the dc and then wonders why I'm so tired 🙄 We havnt been out in ages just the two of us, the dc are always with us and it is abit of a drain to be honest but we don't have the childcare and we dont trust to use any babysitting services that we don't know on a personal level so that rules that out. Our relationship has actually been reduced to funny anecdotes about the dc, requests for milk or cake on the way home and/or home renovation talks. Fuck that makes us sound so dull

I feel a bit annoyed actually, and I don't really understand why! I guess it's because although I know how he's feeling and I feel the same way, i just feel like he's rocking the boat for no reason, does that make sense? I just feel like I'm working so hard to keep on top of everything and he's now saying the spark has gone or is going. I mean after 16 years together (I got together with him when I was young, now in my mid thirties) , 3dc and a fuck load of responsibilities, what does he expect ? He's always going on about the 'good old days' (at uni, when we lay in a single bed all day and HAD NO CHILDREN) but it's a completely different life now! Did I mention the 3dc

So anyway, don't know if anyone has made head or tail of this load of waffle but I guess what I'm saying is what do you all think of it and any pearls of wisdom would be hugely appreciated.

It's like, well if I get a cleaner/childcare etc then what's my role ?

I think this is where you're going wrong.

Surely your life is more than cleaning and childcare. You won't be less if a wife, mother or person if you don't do those things...and nobody is saying you shouldn't do any cleaning or any childcare at all. Just that you could get some help.

We're all different I totally appreciate that... but if you believe cleaning, cooking and childcare are your life as a woman...then that's what's your DC will see and believe as they grow up.

Successful marriages don't happen by marriage. They need commitment and dedication..... and making time to spend together ad a couple.

Children do take up a lot of time, effort and energy... but they grow quickly...and if you neglect each other it's not so easy to get back to where you used to be once they're older.

The kids will leave and you find you have nothing in common anymore and have been living like roommates with the occasional intimacy.... that's if either the DH or DW hasn't got someone else lined up and was just waiting for the last child to leave or get to a certain age.

Mean this gently op. You are bordering on OCD. I know it makes you feel in control but it's controlling you. Get out in the sun, take baby to some activities. Be kind to yourself

Hi op - I think you are doing well to be so open to new ideas and so happy to discuss everything on here.

I do feel, however, that your refusal to let anyone else do the housework and insistence that no one can do it as well as you is a sign of massive insecurity.

You are frightened of letting the housework go because you are not sure what else you have to offer to your dh and dc. You are better than this.

Get a job; go out; learn something new; volunteer; meet new people... you are in danger of losing yourself and your dh. You sound bored and drained of enthusiasm and fun - I don't blame you, but if you are bored and drained then you won't be bringing much to your relationship. Sorry.

Like a lot of people have said, take this an opportunity to really change things.

Chances are he’s been thinking this and has just spoken it out loud so don’t underestimate how bad it is

Can I just say, I've been taking my dc out a lot in the holidays and enjoying the sun with them, so it's not been all cleaning. I think that's why in the past two weeks it's become me cleaning till late night, as we've been out and about and come home later than usual.

I honestly don't think the cleaning is an issue as such! I know so many people who hoover every day! When you have a toddler and she refuses to eat sitting down you really do have to hoover a lot around her !

However, I am cutting down the amount of cleaning I do in the evenings. Today I finished everything at 9ish ... and we are sat talking about house renos 🤷🏻‍♀️😂

OP - if you keep going this way - one day you may end up positing on the other threads where a W didn’t see it coming - it being a number of things - H leaving, or an affair, or some other unfortunate end of a relationship....
You are putting all your energy into house cleaning and children - there isn’t anything left for the relationship. And without nurturing relationships die.

So - get some help with your OCD and get a cleaner you can instruct in how to clean your house.
Also - get to know local babysitters. Interview them, invite (hire) them to your house to play/bond with your kids with you present.
After a few times - you’ll see that it’s possible to find reliable people. And develop a trust in them.

Bottom line - if you don’t want this marriage to explode in the next 10+ years - you need to do something.

Nobody at the end of their life ever says
I wish I had worked more
I wish I had cleaned more

Hoovering twice a day is ridiculous !

I wish I could show you my life in comparison
Example today I went to bluebell woods to take photos. Then travelled to a seaside place with family
Cleaning is the last thing on my mind

Your DH is sending you messages, you need to listen to him

Could you do date night once a week? Dh and I have two small babies so don't go out much but were starting to feel more like flat mates so now we dress up, turn off tv and phones and eat a nice meal together, drink wine and chat. It's once a week so the rest of the time pjs and books etc but that one night is fun and we're getting our spark back. We have to surprise each other with something (could be new nail colour, new outfit etc but keeps it fun). I know it won't solve everything but we've found it has helped us.

He’s actually brought it up a few times recently but I’ve not really taken it seriously.

My sex drive is non existent ... and I think Dh takes that a bit personal, but honestly it isn’t, I just can’t be bothered. Sounds so uncaring but it is what it is!

Sparkly, your language and tone sound so dismissive of your husband.

He is reaching out for emotional and physical intimacy with you. He wants you both to nurture and prioritize your connection. I would cherish that.

You know the way you said you want to take up photography as you enjoy capturing moments?

What moments do you want to capture? Think about it, if you were to look back at a photo album of your life from here until you are old, would they be pictures of an immaculately clean floor? or spontaneous moments, fun new places you've seen with your dh, pictures where you and your husband are living life etc.

Well done, OP. Some of these posts must be hard to read, but it sounds like you are taking them on board and making positive changes in your life.

Please let your DH help with bathtime! It can be a fun bonding experience between Daddy and toddler as well as a chance for you to have a little break. Don't worry about a bit of water on the floor!

Op, I also think you've developed a significant issue with cleaning. You say you finished at nine like it's a good thing, it's late to be cleaning and simply isn't necessary. The issue here is you can't see it. You think it's normal. It's not. Your cleaning now is taking over your family time.

Are you maybe trying to justify being at home, by always wanting to look like you've a massive workload that goes late into the night?

OP. from what you've said, you've turned from someone who was passionate about reading and writing (and presumably had some form of professional life) into a houseproud drone who gets her kicks out of hoovering, and regards it as an unusual concession if she gets her second big hoover of the day done before nine. I get that you're grieving for your mother, but you're a grown woman -- it should never have been your mother's job to keep your 'little extreme tendencies in check'.

What about returning to the workplace?

Are you maybe trying to justify being at home, by always wanting to look like you've a massive workload that goes late into the night?

I agree with this.

I get this OP. It is hard after kids to priorities your relationship the way you did before they came along. But actually it is more necessary now than ever. Very few marriages can last on what ever brought you together in the first place- especially if you are both tired and you are anxious.

Try thinking forward to what you want your relationship to be like when the kids have gone. Although it is years away it will happen. My parents did not do this and , although they are together, they live pretty miserable lives. Both suspect the other of having had emotional and physical affairs at some point. My sister and I bare the burden of having to listen to their endless bitching about each other. Their relationship is so toxic. This is the main reason why DH (whose parents are divorced and hate each other so much they can’t be in the same room) and I insist with each other that we have to make time to go out alone regularly (I do reciprocal babysitting for my friends). And we go away for the weekend alone once a year.

On the cleaner front- my cleaner is brilliant and does things exactly as I ask her to. If you can find a good one you can ask them to do things your way. She does a professional clean. Maybe it will reduce your cleaning somewhat.

Do you want this marriage ?Listen very carefully to what his said as you didn’t see it coming.
It’s not a joke.We all need to work at our relationships.
My soon to be ex husband though it was a joke and now we are ending 25 years of marriage.

Your husband is telling you he is unhappy but you do sound dismissive of him and his thoughts in your posts.

You can choose to listen and work on the relationship or you can carry on but then I suspect on the near future he may bail as he's not happy.

Two of the children are in school, one adult and toddler can't make that much mess that you have to clean all day and into the night. Now they are older you could go back to work and have more than just cleaning and children. Work is good for mental health, socialising, making friends, gaining new interests etc.

Your cleaning is beyong the normal level. Honestly it is. No one cleans until 1030 at night. If you have been out all day with the kids, who is making the mess?

You need to lower your standards and put time into your marriage. This thread is a list of you trying to justify yourself. Listen to your husband.

I couldn't have a cleaner. I'm so particular about the way I keep my home , I don't even like dh touching most of the cleaning. If he does help I redo

Your priorities are wrong and this mindset is boring.

At least your H discussed with you how he's feeling. You don't want to be 'just a mum' do you...? He goes to work and does help around the home he's not sitting around doing nothing so you're not really shouldering burden all alone are you?

Cleaning and children - what about your relationship outside that?

You could afford to pay for a cleaner once or twice a week and the occasional babysitter surely, via agency - but perhaps the issue more so is you being rigid with routine so cleaner & babysitter would be an anethema.

Sometimes prioritising the domestics is used as a barrier to avoid intimacy but who knows..you can bring the spark back if you want to. It's 50/50, doesn't matter who makes 1st move on that as long as it happens

After reading all the posts and your responses it feels like you aren’t able to see or even consider the underlying issue:

The anxiety or control thing isn't an issue here for me or for my dh

I’m sorry but that just can not be true. It is the cause of almost everything you have said. It is making even you lead a life you aren’t happy with. And there is no way it’s not having a negative impact on your husband: the guy whose chores gets redone, who can’t be trusted with bath time, whose sat on the sofa whilst you clean till late into the evening...

It’s great things are improving! But there is an elephant in the room that at some point will have to be addressed. X

It seems to me that you are making huge efforts to be the perfect housewife and mother, and probably trying to be the best you can be - losing that stone is impressive - and this is taking all your attention. When it comes to your husband you have no physical or mental energy left and "it's nothing personal, you just can't be bothered".

This feels awful from the receiving end, to be absolute bottom of someone's priorities. Stop talking about renovations and ask him what his ideal weekend for the pair of you would look like. Make it happen. Get domestic help and babysitters. Your children survive school ok and will be more independent as a result.

Wow some of these replies are harsh!

No I am not justifying not 'working' by having a massive workload late into the night, what a ridiculous projection to make. Dinner was late yesterday as I went out to see a friend and as a result so was the clean and pick-up after bedtime. I do realise 9pm is still late; my post was tongue in cheek hence the emojis I used!

I do appreciate every single person taking the time out to respond on this thread however with all due respect, you don't know my life or me beyond these few posts so please don't try to psychoanalyse my every word or life choices. There seems to be several posters on here very critical of the fact that I am a sahm and don't have a 'job.' Getting 'a job' seems to be put forward as a solution time and time again to 'cure' my cleaning habit, and to make me into some kind of amazingly interesting person and not a 'housework drone' as one poster kindly put it.

And I am not dismissing my dh in real life even though I realise it's coming across like that in my posts at some points. We have spoken about everything a lot again yesterday evening and I have reassured him that things will change , and he was committed to taking more time off work and helping out a bit more around the house (without me redoing things).

OP. from what you've said, you've turned from someone who was passionate about reading and writing (and presumably had some form of professional life) into a houseproud drone who gets her kicks out of hoovering, and regards it as an unusual concession if she gets her second big hoover of the day done before nine. I get that you're grieving for your mother, but you're a grown woman -- it should never have been your mother's job to keep your 'little extreme tendencies in check'.

What about returning to the workplace?

@TheBulb what about not replying on threads where you can't be helpful or thought provoking in some sort of way?
I find your post unnecessarily nasty and not helpful in the slightest.

@sparklyunicorntits that post may not have been phrased politely, but it's a point - you had interests and a career once. Your life has massively changed, but there's nothing saying that you can't pick your old passions up again. In fact it's essential