Dh says the spark has gone !

[sparklyunicorntits]

So I've namechanged for this.
Sorry if this is abit waffly, I'm just typing it out the way I'm thinking it so bear with me.

Dh and I in bed last night just laying there chatting /getting in the mood, and dh says he misses the feeling of being in love. well I didn't see that one coming ! We had a conversation about how he feels like the spark has gone and how to get it back, and what do I think?! Well I guess I've been feeling very flat lately myself, definitely do not get butterflies anymore when he walks into a room but I just thought that was a part of a long term relationship/marriage. He also added that he thinks I am an absolutely amazing mum to our 3dc but our marriage is a bit neglected and that he's not blaming anyone but that's just the way he feels.

So as not to drip feed, we have 3 young dc like I said to whom I am a sahm, he has a demanding job with long hours but it pays very well so we can afford a very comfortable lifestyle, big beautiful house, nice things , meals out etc. However I have zero help with childcare (I have lost both parents in the past 8 years) so most of my time goes on the dc, all the housework, dinner, dc homework, clubs that kind of thing. Dh can't usually take off during school holidays so during school holidays it's even more of a juggle for me trying to maintain the home, abit of routine, taking the dc out etc. Come evening I am absolutely drained and have very very little (if any) interest in adult conversation. My sex drive is non existent (sorry if tmi but I think it's relevant), I thought it might be due to the fact that I was a stone heavier after dc3 (who is 20 months old) so I went on a diet and lost the stone but I still feel the same and I think dh takes that a bit personal but honestly it isn't , i just can't be bothered. Sounds so uncaring but it is what it is! Before anyone asks, I am not depressed or on any oral contraception/any other medication. I have been through a fair bit with the loss of my parents but life stops for no one unfortunately and we carry our grief within us every single day but I have young children to attend to and life must go on. Dh does what he can (school run in the morning, putting out the bins, gardens maintenance) but as he works long hours it's hard for him also. He is usually home for the dc bedtime but I always do bedtime alone, he doesn't really help out with the dc and then wonders why I'm so tired 🙄 We havnt been out in ages just the two of us, the dc are always with us and it is abit of a drain to be honest but we don't have the childcare and we dont trust to use any babysitting services that we don't know on a personal level so that rules that out. Our relationship has actually been reduced to funny anecdotes about the dc, requests for milk or cake on the way home and/or home renovation talks. Fuck that makes us sound so dull

I feel a bit annoyed actually, and I don't really understand why! I guess it's because although I know how he's feeling and I feel the same way, i just feel like he's rocking the boat for no reason, does that make sense? I just feel like I'm working so hard to keep on top of everything and he's now saying the spark has gone or is going. I mean after 16 years together (I got together with him when I was young, now in my mid thirties) , 3dc and a fuck load of responsibilities, what does he expect ? He's always going on about the 'good old days' (at uni, when we lay in a single bed all day and HAD NO CHILDREN) but it's a completely different life now! Did I mention the 3dc

So anyway, don't know if anyone has made head or tail of this load of waffle but I guess what I'm saying is what do you all think of it and any pearls of wisdom would be hugely appreciated.

@DameFanny I think you've hit the nail on the head. It's like, well if I get a cleaner/childcare etc then what's my role ? But I've taken this thought way too far and cut myself some slack. Everyone deserves a break. Definitely feeling adrift after mum .. she was my anchor, she kept all my little extreme tendencies in check so subtly and so beautifully. I miss her so much.

*and need to cut myself some slack.

I lost my father this year. It seems we were closer than I realised. It's a bugger isn't it.

How old are your children? I thought you had three under-fives but you say something about your elder child doing the 11+ exam.

I think you are losing sight of yourself and taking comfort from the fact that you do the SAHM job very well, in terms of cleaning etc. But the thing is you are not having an adult life with your husband. You're not spending time with him. And he must really miss that. I know I would.

He's sitting watching TV while you clean. So you need to make sure you have a cleaner who will take over a lot of those things. I would start with a box set and watch it with your husband every night. For the couple of hours it's on, don't talk about the children at all.

I'd also put the youngest into a nursery for a couple of mornings a week and in that time I'd do something with other adults, something purely for myself. It will give you something to talk about that's not family and home. Your older children and your husband have something else to talk about; it's not right that you don't.

What were your interests before you had the children?

Gosh I could have written this post a year ago. Me and dh have also been together since teens, have a couple of young dc and no babysitter/childcare.

I was a sahm as well and honestly by the end of the day I felt all touched out, the thought of sex was exhausting. I blurted out one day that the way things were going we'd have no marriage left by the time the kids grew up.

So I got a part time job, I realised my self esteem was low being at home all day and I was working myself into a frenzy everyday cleaning and doing activities with the kids to try and justify being at home.

We started having day day dates when the dc were in nursery/school just out for lunch or even a walk.

We started using one of the nursery workers for the odd evening babysitting just once every couple of months.

I stopped being so obsessive on the cleaning as it was stopping dh helping as much.

I will say it wasn't all me making changes dh encouraged me to do whatever made me happy with work, made sure I had some me time etc.

Things have turned around massively. We are both so much happier, less stressed, sex life back on track etc.

Sorry for the long post op just wanted you to know it doesn't necessarily mean your dh wants to leave.

This is a husband initiating the we need to talk about things conversation. That’s unusual and even us women who do like to talk about problems hate even having to start that. He isn’t blaming you or being critical but he is saying there is something amiss in his life. That’s not a minor thing for anyone to say. Because saying it takes courage and he wants you both to work on things.

The answer isn’t to think or respond well that’s just life after 16 years and 3 kids. If you do that he will at some point resolve things on his own. Because you are saying take it or leave it.

What it sounds like is that he is marginalised from home life. There’s not much there for him apart from seeing the kids at the weekend and in the evening if he’s home. Honestly what your are portraying would make me miserable apart from the children. Really miserable. You sound oddly content with things as they are.

You also sound like you have MH problems, not serious yet but enough. That’s not easy to live with. Everything suggested meets with a controlling response from you. If he does the bath, I need to clean up. Really why?

My DC (singular) is 18

I work part time, my DH works stupid hours but is in the salary bracket that a lot of MNer's disbelieve.

We pay for the following.

A cleaner
A dog walker
An ironing person
A gardener.

Last week by some sort of miracle DH was working from home, and not in Europe, because all of the above had been taken care of I walked in the door just gone two on a warm day ,and shouted up the stairs to DS and the girlfriend anyone up for a crafty afternoon beer by the river. DH didn't need second bidding. DS's GF said this is lovely, my Mum won't leave the house until it is straight, we have missed the sun so many times.

Now I know the age groups are different, but the above jobs give us so much space in our heads, to just up and go.

Make the money work for you.

@LemonTT two of my dc are primary school aged with one toddler at home. I need to clean up because there is water everywhere and he wouldn't think to clean it up that's why. Don't see what MH has got to do with that! I do suffer from anxiety like I've already stated although it's mostly ok now and I do like to be in control of certain things at certain times for various reasons. I don't think I have any other mental health issues beyond that.

It's like, well if I get a cleaner/childcare etc then what's my role ?

OP, I have a house husband and we don't even have children. We have a cleaner because, well cleaning is boring to us.

I honestly have no idea what he does all day but I love him and he loves me and we support each other. That's both our roles. Sometimes I think most of Mumsnet would think he is a cocklodger but nope, he has my back 100% when times are tough at work, he's interesting to be around and we have great times together.

You can still pull your weight in a relationship by being you, having hobbies, having stuff to talk about, listening and just being the amazing person he fell in love with and wants to spend his life with. You don't have to spend every second of the day cleaning up to have value - you have value because you are you.

You sound oddly content with things as they are.

In my opinion, in the early years you develop Stockholm syndrome and if it is working or even kind of working, it is easy to just roll with it.

Except this is clearly not suiting all parties and something has to change.

Wow.... some of the replies on here..... OP you know your husband and what your relationship has been like. Me and DH run a business together so if he one night said this to me, I wouldnt be worried or offended.... I would be grateful that he was investing in our relationship and presumably wanting to help resolve it before it got worse, for the sake of all of you.

I swear people are weird on Mumsnet sometimes. So much banging on about what men are meant to do to help, and then you DH tries to start a conversation, to open communication with you, and half the people on here are shooting him down saying "he has to make the change first!"

DH and I are brutally honest with each other, we are super busy and neither of us have time to pussy foot around each others egos. So I would view this as a great thing - I wouldnt have to work out how to start talking about it!

Sit down together and work out with each other what would help the "spark". Does he mean you not being so tired, or does he mean more sex, or more adventurous sex, or going out dressed up for the night, or going to watch a gig and dance about like you are in your twenties. Only him and you can work this out.

I agree you need to let go somethings liek being too fussy with a tidy house etc. God forbid it at goes wrong, you wont look back and be grateful that at least when it was good, you didnt have a streaky shower screen or unironed bed sheets. Its the connections with people that make our lives good.

You dont say how old kids are that I can see apart from youngest being 20 months. Do older 2 go to school / nursery? if so I would arrange for something for the almost 2 year old to do during this time, and set aside some time to do things like you like. For there to be a spark you have to love your life again. So it whether its a run, or volunteering or a massage, or a bike ride or getting your nails done - do something that makes you feel like you. This is really fixable so I hope it turns out to be a positive thing for you both

So if he leaves water after bathtime, ask him to clean it up and let him get on with it. If you keep swooping in and doing everything things will never change.

And if a bit of water's not been cleaned up, does it matter? If it's somewhere dangerous like on the floor causing a slip hazard then you can reasonably point it out as a safety hazard - he can't argue with that. If on the other hand you're just worried about the odd potential water stain then you need to relax a little. My money's on the latter since you won't trust actual cleaners either.

OP, anxiety is a MH illness. Saying I have anxiety issues to explain away behaviour that is at best annoying or at worst controlling is a cop out. I would really struggle to live with someone behaving the way you are. That is my honest assessment and your husband may be ok with the whole thing. But to me the whole experience of bathing my children whilst you figuratively stood over me with a mop would be soul destroying. I have experienced someone behaving this way and it was annoying at best. Having someone redoing someone your efforts and hovering around to fix the mess is just plain irritating. I lasted about 12 months before I left

Ok thanks for your reply Lemon. As the anxiety or control thing isn't an issue here for me or for my dh, I don't see why you are picking me apart with regards to it.

@DelphicOracle thank you for your reply x two of my dc are in primary and one is a toddler.
Yes I agree with many points you have made. I've actually let the cleaning go abit today. By that I mean I usually hoover the entire house from top to bottom every single day , sometimes twice a day .. so far I haven't done that big morning clean and instead had a long bath instead.. I'm actually feeling pretty good..the house is still clean and tidy, beds made, the dc are opening some Easter eggs at the dining table and I've promised myself not to rush them along so I can clean up after ! Succeeding so far

OP I’m impressed by the changes that you both have put in place so quickly, well done. It’s good that he’s taking time off work and going out in the day together is an excellent idea.

Also your plans to outsource cleaning and ironing.

Now about that cleaning - do you think you might have a issue that needs some professional help ? Because vacuuming the whole house twice a day when you have no pets and most people are out all day is excessive.

As is not having your husband bath a toddler because he won’t clean up the mess properly.

Do you think that it would help you to talk to a counsellor about this? It might well be tied up with your grief, as PP have said.

@ImNotNigel no I don't think I've got an issue around this, although it is abit extra sometimes ! I just like a clean home. And I actually enjoy cleaning as sad as that may sound

Someone asked about my hobbies before dc! I loved reading , I was a huge bookworm. Haven't read a good book in years, even dh says now and now then about how I don't read anymore! He always found it a big turn on when I was reading a book while wearing my glasses (whatever floats your boat , I hate glasses ) I was also massively into writing. I loved to write, but again I haven't written anything in years.

Actually, I would love to take a photography course as I really enjoy taking pictures and capturing moments. Dh bought me a decent camera last year as I mentioned I would love to take 'proper pictures' but I've hardly taken it out of the cupboard!

@DameFanny I'm so sorry for your loss. It really is hard x

My dear OP, I say this kindly - vacuuming your child’s bedroom in the morning and again in the afternoon when the child has been at school all day is more than extra.

That’s not just clean. That’s making cleaning the focus of other stuff in your life that you don’t want to address.

Less hoovering OP, it doesn't make you happy. I think the heart of this issue is that you need to be in control after dealing with so much grief, its all left you lost and feeling like you need to cement your place in your family. Take care of yourself.

When you live with someone you need to find compromise. One partner does not get to unilaterally decide about how the house 'must' be. You are too focused on how you want to live - what about your life together? Husband has to be allowed to be part of running his home.

The fastidious cleaning is coming at the price of your relationship. And I think your husband sounds okay to me, far better he has talked to you about his concerns.

Children grow up, life is short. You're right to step back a little and take some time for yourself and your marriage.

Go on that photography course, OP!

And get back into reading and writing.

Am I the only one who doesn't think doing the school run and being back to put a toddler to bed can't be long hours!! He s lucky !

I think it's brilliant that your husband has talked to you about this because there are so many relationships that go wrong because people don't talk. Work together on how to change things.

I agree with those that have suggested that not only do you need to spend some quality time with him, you also need to make some time for yourself. No matter how much you like cleaning your house and being a parent, there has to be something more for you. Finding a photography course seems a great place to start. You need a life outside of your home.

Ease up on the cleaning. No-one needs to be cleaning the house until 10pm every night! That's time you could be chilling out with your husband or going out and doing something. If you really can't let it go a little then maybe there is an issue there that you'll need to address.

Find two or three babysitters that you like and trust so there's always likely to be one available and make sure you use them regularly. You have the funds and therefore the freedom to get out and enjoy yourselves.

You are very lucky that if you can loosen the reins a little you can throw some money at this and buy some free time. And ffs take a holiday!

OP in the kindest possible way, the more you say about your cleaning, the more it's killing your marriage.

Hoovering twice a day is beyond normal. Most people I know hoover 1-2 times per week in heavy duty areas. Spaces like spare rooms which aren't used get left and done once per month.

Having a toddler at home isn't easy, but ut it sounds like you are doing far too much cleaning. How do you clean until 10.30 each night? What are you doing? I sometimes have to work until 10ish and it drive me and my husband mad. We want to spend time together and talk to each other.

Leave the cleaning and start talking. Turn off the TV and have date nights at home once the kids are in bed if you're struggling for a sitter.