I just need an outsiders point of view on this

[BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack]

I have been seeing my boyfriend for almost 2 years now. We don't live together. Prior to him I was with my ex DH for 24 years and we have been seperated for almost 5 years now. It was my decision to leave and the nastiness has gone and we actually get along ok now, and have a DS who is almost 17.

My BF has big issues with my ex obviously my fault because I've in the past told him how my marriage was, how absolutely awful my DH could be towards me and our DS. But.....I don't have to put up with that side of him anymore so as I said we get along ok.

Now Christmas........ every christmas since we seperated I have invited ex DH over, to see his kid, to have some dinner. he has no family and a complicated GF with family issues of her own so if I don't invite him he would spend xmas day alone. I have known this guy since I was 19, I'm not in love with him, I would never be back with him but I do still care about him and would hate to think of him sad and alone on xmas day.

My BF hates it and has said that if I invite him over xmas day we are done. He said I need to lose the guilt, it's not my problem if he's on his own and that I need to let it go. He thinks my ex would love to be back with me but even if that's the case he knows I would never go back in a million years. I feel he's backed me into a corner and giving me an ultimatum, he says it's not an ultimatum and he is not telling me I cannot invite him, just from his point of view he will not stay around.

That's the short version but from my POV I don't see how sitting on the sofa with my ex husband once a frigging year is such a big issue. Am I being unreasonable?

I'm afraid I'm with your bf, sorry.

YABU. Your ex is not your responsibility. Your bf is also BU in demanding that you change an arrangement you are happy with. On balance, I think you should drop the Xmas Day contact if the relationship with bf is important to you - your ex is your past and your DC is almost an adult, move on.

I think boyfriend would be ex, tbh. It's not like you're having your exh over every Sunday.

A super laid-back, stoical, majorly easygoing person might go along with it - but I wouldn't blame someone for not going along with it.

Not to be challenging/rude or anything but how would you honestly feel if the exact situation were reversed?

What happens if you want to spend Xmas day with your boyfriend? It's nice that you now get on but there's no way I'd spend Xmas day with my DH's ex wife.

I can see both sides tbh. It's nice that you still get on, but on balance, I kind of agree with your boyfriend.

Morality I would be ok with it. Its not like I'm being sneaky or anything, ex would not be in the house without BF there, they always seemed to get along well and Ex DH actually like him, said he seemed a nice fella. If the situation was reversed I'd be ok, I would know nothing dodgy was going on and he was just trying to be a good person. I don't know, I just don't see what harm it does for him to come along, see his son and have some dinner as an alternative to being at home on his own feeling like shit.

Your ex is not your responsibility.
Why can't you do year about (or day about i.e. Christmas day/boxing day each year) with your son. Is your ex not capable of sticking some prepared Christmas card in the oven and playing it up for him and your son.

Or he could call in but not have dinner. Lots of people are alone at Christmas and they join up with friends/volunteer/go on a trip.

I'd not really want to spend a cosy Christmas with my partner's long-term ex sat in the middle of us, esp when I know they were a c*nt at times. It's almost laughable.

But it’s not just sitting on the sofa having some dinner, it’s having Christmas dinner and spending Christmas Day with him. You’re minimising what’s happening to dismiss your boyfriends feelings.
I’d hate this.
Does your boyfriend play the step dad role to your ds?
So he gets all the shitty bits and then your ex gets to do the best bit of the year?

I don't think either of you are being unreasonable but your differing views on this are incompatible so it would seem your current relationship won't last.

I was married for not quite as long as you . The marriage did not end well . We have been divorced a good few years now. I do not see him, and have not for many years. My grown up child sees him and I know if things are going well or not in his life. I would not invite him to spend Christmas with me and my now partner.

Category as it stands he is my ex because I said that if I knew he would be on his own I would invite him so he said fine I'm done. I just wanted to get other opinions to see if I'm being really out of order.

Of course for me now the dilemma is....if I do give in and say I won't invite him then is this the way it would be? Would I have to back down on every thing I feel is important if he doesn't agree?

*fare, not card

• plating

You quite clearly care more about your exes feelings than your boyfriends.

Is your Christmas table full of waifs and strays who might override be alone or just your ex?

Furry I really don't, I am just trying to do what I feel is the right thing.

Would I have to back down on every thing I feel is important if he doesn't agree?

Has he asked you to stop doing anything else to date?
Do you think it's likely he'll complain about other things in future and ask/demand you to stop them?

I would understand this particular situation, but wouldn't put up with any controlling etc behaviour. (I don't think this is controlling,
I think it's something a lot of people would be uncomfortable with).

I'm with your DP, sorry.

Interesting to read the replies. :D

I'm with your BF ,YABU and as your son is basically an adult he should go to his dad's for Xmas

Ifyou are both comfortable with the arrangement, it’s nobody’s else’ business. It must be great for your DC to have his parents together even for one day a year.

I'm with your bf on this. It's been 5 years. Let him sort his own Christmas out. You can't expect your bf to be happy to share Christmas with your abusive ex!! And you shouldn't either.

as an alternative to being at home on his own feeling like shit

He's a grown adult, if he doesn't want to sit at home alone, he can try doing some of the things that other people who are alone at Christmas do. I'm surprised he's comfortable sitting in the middle of his ex wife's Christmas with her long-term partner; he should actually have more sense/appropriate-ness. He sounds lazy/clueless/piss-taking/lacking independence.

Ifyou are both comfortable with the arrangement, it’s nobody’s else’ business.

It’s the business of the person who also lives in the house, who’s Christmas it also is.

I’m sure it is lovely for them all the play happy families for Christmas but you must see how that might make the bf feel like shit when he does all the dog work through the year but then has to shimmy over for the best day of the year.