I just need an outsiders point of view on this

[BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack]

I have been seeing my boyfriend for almost 2 years now. We don't live together. Prior to him I was with my ex DH for 24 years and we have been seperated for almost 5 years now. It was my decision to leave and the nastiness has gone and we actually get along ok now, and have a DS who is almost 17.

My BF has big issues with my ex obviously my fault because I've in the past told him how my marriage was, how absolutely awful my DH could be towards me and our DS. But.....I don't have to put up with that side of him anymore so as I said we get along ok.

Now Christmas........ every christmas since we seperated I have invited ex DH over, to see his kid, to have some dinner. he has no family and a complicated GF with family issues of her own so if I don't invite him he would spend xmas day alone. I have known this guy since I was 19, I'm not in love with him, I would never be back with him but I do still care about him and would hate to think of him sad and alone on xmas day.

My BF hates it and has said that if I invite him over xmas day we are done. He said I need to lose the guilt, it's not my problem if he's on his own and that I need to let it go. He thinks my ex would love to be back with me but even if that's the case he knows I would never go back in a million years. I feel he's backed me into a corner and giving me an ultimatum, he says it's not an ultimatum and he is not telling me I cannot invite him, just from his point of view he will not stay around.

That's the short version but from my POV I don't see how sitting on the sofa with my ex husband once a frigging year is such a big issue. Am I being unreasonable?

From your posts, esp recent ones, it really sounds like you resent your bf for interfering with your (quite high level of) contact and involvement with your ex.. you want someone to let you do what you want re ex (for whatever reasons - codependency, habit, boundary issues, convenience ..) and how dare he bother/inconvenience you by questioning anything or complaining about it. You want it both ways.

Maybe you'll get someone who won't, but I'd say most people would not fall into that category.

Op, you more than care for him, no matter how you try to deny it or justify it, you're actively seeking out his company, his attention, his opinion. You have got to the stage your relarionship has ended because of your need to be in contact with your ex. You'd rather lose your current relationship rather than limit contact with your ex. Your point of posting here was even so you could justify spending Xmas with him.

I think I'd sit back and think about what's driving you here.

i would be annoyed if my partner made me have to spend every christmas day with his ex wife -_- like.. i would feel sorry for her being alone but its not my problem and i would want xmas to be me and my family.

I don't resent him at all, he is entitled to his opinion as I am mine. I have said I was unreasonable regarding christmas and will not be doing that again this year.

Shatners yes of course there are other builders but I wasn't even there when he was working and I trust him not to rip me off. No other reason.

What are you bf's circumstances with ex's/kids?

Perhaps some of this is due to different circumstances between you two .. there's no required reciprocation on your part re. a significant ex (?) It's all on him to be tolerant and 'mature' and accepting.

You might not have been there when he was working, but you'd have had to have extensive discussions with him before he started, and possibly during and then after. He didn't just front up and do as he pleased.

Why the constant minimising and pretending like this?

It’s very clearly not just about Christmas.

Oh bollocks she 'more than cares for him'! OP ignore the jealous types. Modern families are complicated. You are allowed to care for a former partner without being 'in love' or ever wanting to get back together. Just because he was an arse as a partner doesn't make him an arse as a person. Your BF is too small minded and possessive to accept that, and your updates make sound even worse.

Jealous types? 😂😂

I don't resent him at all

I don't see how sitting on the sofa with my ex husband once a frigging year is such a big issue.

..if I do give in and say I won't invite him then is this the way it would be? Would I have to back down on every thing I feel is important if he doesn't agree?

If we lived together this would be a non issue but we don't and it almost feels like I am being told who I can let into my own

I just wanted the fucking job done so I could get my house back but BF has a problem with that.

.. but I just feel like whatever I do, it's never quite enough.

Oh and another thing he was fed up about..

..
It was things like this that made me think you're frustrated/resentful at your bf's discomfort with the situation and you being 'forced' to change things.

As I've said before, some peoly could accept this (what percentage I couldn't guess) but your bf's clearly not so you end it or reach a compromise about your ex.

I'm on the BF's side on this one. Ex does not need to come round at Christmas to see DS as DS is an adult and can go to his Dad's place if he wants to.

Morality No I'm not resentful to him, I just feel like he is pushing me into a corner and I guess that's what I am pissed off about.

Like Princess said, yes he was a ship husband at times but he's not a shit person. I"m quite a laid back the more the merrier type, and I genuinely don't see the harm in retaining some form of friendship once the love/partnership or whatever is gone. This is someone I have known since I was a teenager, and apparently when he messages me I'm supposed to tell him to fuck off.

I guess what really gets my goat is BF has retained friendships with some of his ex's but that's different.....It's always different for him.

Anyway thanks all, it's useful to gain insight from other people. For the record I am not pretending or minimising, just saying how it is but I agree that I am saying it how it is from my point of view which obviously can get a bit blinkered. I am going to book a session with my counsellor and go through stuff with her, but thanks again everyone :)

I think YANBU, your house so it's tough! But to me it isn't odd anyway, my DDad always came to my DM's house when after they'd separated on Christmas morning when I was younger to do presents etc and this carried on when my Step Dad moved in too. SDad would also make everyone bacon butties!

You don't seem to like your bf very much OP, seems like he is always wrong and difficult if your eyes. The problem with being friends with an ex is that you don't fully detach from them, like in your case, where you don't actually want to.

Here's a male perspective, if you're interested. as previously mentioned your BF would have to be pretty laid back, or not care very much, to not be bothered, your BF may well be a bit of a dick, but then there's that stupid thing called the male ego, even if he knew perfectly well you're not interested in your ex, he will be thinking of sitting there on the day knowing that the ex is "getting one over on him" & proving that there's still something between you both.

I think you need to de-couple completely from your EXH before you enter a serious relationship with this BF or any other.

I agree with you, Repetitive, but I don’t think you being a man has any relevance.

I’m assuming men aren’t a hive mind in the way that women aren’t, so your opinion is just that. One opinion. Whether you have a penis or not.

I guess what really gets my goat is BF has retained friendships with some of his ex's but that's different.....It's always different for him.

That kind of sums it up. You don't live together and he's trying to dictate what you do. Yet if you tried the same, I bet you'd get short shrift.

It's not like you constantly have your ex round, it's just for Christmas. And you have a son together. Boyfriend = the jerk in this scenario.

I can't believe the answers you're getting here!

You and your ex have a son together and if you and your ex are friendly and text each other occasionally, then I say, good for the both of you! What a great thing for your son.

Your BF doesn't like that, well he can go and find someone else, who hasn't got an ex they get on with!

Well, I'm baffled. Isn't a separate but amicable relationship what all divorcing couples who share children are aiming for once the dust's settled? On the basis of what OP's said, I feel like she's done an excellent job of coming out the other side. Her DS seems to have survived with good relationships with both parents intact. The ex is in a new relationship. Everyone's being civil. I really don't get what the bf's problem is. As modern family life goes, it isn't really even that complicated.

What it makes me think of is when a DC ends up being friends with a kid at school who was bullying them a year or two ago. You know you have to let it go because your DC's been big enough to forgive and forget and move on, and somehow an accommodation's been reached, but as a parent it's hard to forget all the times they came out of school trying not to cry. I wonder if OP's bf has just seen too much of the bad times and is incredulous that she's let go of her anger at last. But obviously OP's position is the grown-up, healthy one.

Excellent post MattFreis

Op. Your wording is odd. You go from saying how awful he could be to you and your son, through to he was a shit husband only at Times.

You're clearly very angry with the ex boyfriend. And I don't think any one, not least him, suggested that you should tell the Ex husband to piss off if he texted. But there is a level between being totally obnoxious, and texting each other, having him do your building working, and spending Xmas together, having a holiday home together etc. And that level can still be friendly.

Whatever it is that's going on with you, you don't want to face it or hear it, from either your ex boyfriend or anyone on here, you're clearly very angry that you've been called out on it.

Your ex boyfriend clearly started off accepting your ex husband. But are some point it's become to much for him. He's tried to tell you the relarionship has escalated to such a level he can't take it any more and it's not just about Xmas. And you'd rather your ex boyfriend was the one to fuck off.

🤷‍♀️

I don't think she sounds angry at all. Frustrated maybe. But what I heard was mainly sadness.

I had a BF who wanted me to spend time with his XW and XP together. I did once but hated it and I'm not sure they loved it either. I was not comfortable and didn't want to be drawn into it. I'm with your BF. If you value your relationship with him you should think about making changes and leave your XH to look after himself.

I currently holiday with my exh, young dc, and he came to my parents at Christmas...however, we are both single, when this changes current arrangements will also change