Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7

Original poster

I just need an outsiders point of view on this

175 replies

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 24/04/2019 12:18

I have been seeing my boyfriend for almost 2 years now. We don't live together. Prior to him I was with my ex DH for 24 years and we have been seperated for almost 5 years now. It was my decision to leave and the nastiness has gone and we actually get along ok now, and have a DS who is almost 17.

My BF has big issues with my ex obviously my fault because I've in the past told him how my marriage was, how absolutely awful my DH could be towards me and our DS. But.....I don't have to put up with that side of him anymore so as I said we get along ok.

Now Christmas........ every christmas since we seperated I have invited ex DH over, to see his kid, to have some dinner. he has no family and a complicated GF with family issues of her own so if I don't invite him he would spend xmas day alone. I have known this guy since I was 19, I'm not in love with him, I would never be back with him but I do still care about him and would hate to think of him sad and alone on xmas day.

My BF hates it and has said that if I invite him over xmas day we are done. He said I need to lose the guilt, it's not my problem if he's on his own and that I need to let it go. He thinks my ex would love to be back with me but even if that's the case he knows I would never go back in a million years. I feel he's backed me into a corner and giving me an ultimatum, he says it's not an ultimatum and he is not telling me I cannot invite him, just from his point of view he will not stay around.

That's the short version but from my POV I don't see how sitting on the sofa with my ex husband once a frigging year is such a big issue. Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:

dontdoubtyourself · 25/04/2019 13:30

So you've been with current bf two years, what happened last christmas? Was it all three of you and he's telling you he can't go through that again, or was he elsewhere?

Ellisandra · 25/04/2019 13:48

Good builders are harder to find than good boyfriends!

Your BF / XBF sounds like a total cock.

I stated reading, ready to reply to let Xmas with the XH go. You can’t relax and enjoy Xmas with your GF’s ex hanging around, and it’s no big deal being on your own Xmas day. I also was wondering whether Xmas was really just tip of the iceberg with overly involved XH.

But your later posts...

BF can fuck right off with dictating who you’re friends with, when he’s friends with his exes!!!! Hypocritical and controlling.

You clearly don’t even have much to do with XH anyway. BF is a hypocrite. Just let him go. Tone of your post suggested it’s not the only time there has been different rules for him?

FWIW, my XBF is a builder. We just split cos we weren’t quite right for each other. So no reason for me to dislike him. When he works at my place (at least 20 days during my marriage) he’s there all day alone with me. I laugh with him and have a cup of tea with him. My husband couldn’t give a fuck as he trusts me and isn’t a hypocritical arse.

RagingWhoreBag · 25/04/2019 13:58

I’m with your (ex) BF here. It’s not about Xmas day, it’s about him not feeling that you’re properly separated from your ex, mentally, financially, you’re even technically still his wife.

If you want to save it you need to acknowledge your BF’s feelings, don’t minimise it or dismiss his genuine concerns - just because you’re not shagging your ex or trying to get back with him, doesn’t mean it’s all fine. You have no boundaries.

Like your BF, I’ve put up with a lot of soft boundaries between DP and his ex, but I’ve got to a point where I’m fed up with feeling like the outsider, this Xmas I decided not to spend the day with him and his ex and her family, and spent it with my brother instead. I can’t stop him doing it but I can choose whether I want to be involved or not.

Similarly on bday gifts for his DCs - he’s been buying them things from him and ex for the past 7 years, with me doing a separate gift. I’ve said I’m fed up with that - she can buy her own bloody gifts and whatever he gives is from me and him as we’re the fucking couple here!

I have a sneaky suspicion he will give them the presents from him, ex and me, but I’m standing my ground and not buying separate gifts from me, while him and his ex are the team in his DCs’ minds. Someone needs to start cutting some of the ties and those two certainly won’t as it’s too easy for her to rely on him to do everything for her.

This is your BF’s line in the sand. And as this thread shows, while some people may be ok with it in principle, many more won’t be, so if you’re hoping for a relationship where he’s fine with this level of involvement with your ex, you could be looking a long time.

Senseiwu · 25/04/2019 13:58

He's not just an ex, he's your child's father. I think this is lovely and a good example to set to your child.

pushpushglide · 25/04/2019 14:12

My Mum and Dad have been divorced for over 25 years and we still all get together at Xmas (mum in new relationship, dad currently single). It's actually really nice, especially as there are now grandchildren involved.
It makes us kids not have to feel guilty about one parent being "left out" or having to spend the day traveling around.

It obviously doesn't/wouldn't work for everyone but if it works for you I'd say carry on!

LimpidPools · 25/04/2019 14:15

I've read all your posts OP, but not all of everybody else's. I cannot see a problem with what you're doing at all.

It suits you, it suits your ex and I bet it suits your son, who doesn't have that awful Christmas guilt feeling of knowing that they can't please everyone who wants to spend the day with them. It doesn't please your (ex)BF and apparently it doesn't please a bunch of people on here who don't think it's what you "ought" to be doing.

Well, so what? It's worked well for years, so why should you have to stop now? BF clearly has deeper issues and I can't see how he could possibly justify them, so they don't need taking into serious consideration. Nobody else here is coming round for your family Christmas. And your son (although he is not an adult yet ) will eventually make his own plans and this arrangement will cease to suit you all. And then no doubt you will change it.

Oh and getting your trustworthy ex to do your building work is just sensible. Him sending you a photo or 2 of your som at work is co-parenting. And you are absolutely NOT being in any way unreasonable.

ShatnersWig · 25/04/2019 14:40

@Bluntness I don't get it either. Was the ex a shit to the OP and her son or not? And if we're confused no wonder the ex-BF is!

MsDogLady · 25/04/2019 14:55

...he has a complicated GF with family issues of her own.

How do you know this? Has your Ex been confiding in you about his personal business?

He thinks my ex would love to be back with me...

So, from his POV, every time you interact with your Ex, your Ex is getting a charge from being with you/hearing your voice/messaging with you. To your BF, even a conversation about door handles holds meaning for your Ex.

Do you think your Ex would love to get back with you?

TooTrueToBeGood · 25/04/2019 15:29

So petty jealousy then.

For all the judgement and projection against the OP's approach, the bottom line is she has managed to maintain a civil relationship with the father of her child, despite their marriage ending. Seems to me that's a damn sight preferable than the alternative and much healthier for her son. Why should she pander to the fragile ego of her BF or cave in to ultimatums? Especially when It's clear it's not just about Christmas day but that he really doesn't want her to have any contact with the father of her child at all. Good riddance to him.

Treesthemovie · 25/04/2019 16:08

It simply sounds like OP is still emotionally very attached to her ex. Msdoglady has a good point - why is he telling you about drama with his new gf?
There is plenty of talk about ex husband's feelings but none about ex bf. This goes beyond civil.

Fromablokespoint · 25/04/2019 16:20

This was my Christmas last year. Girlfriend has two grown up sons and ExH usually spent Christmas day there. I was invited and asked if I minded if ExH came, choice was mine (although
Pleasant day but not as relaxed as it could have been, I have no issues with him would just prefer not to have spent a special day together - felt a little awkward at times for me when the conversation went into "do you remember", in jokes etc.

OP - so this Christmas you have new BF Exh and ExBF for dinner (sorry couldn't resist)

Huskylover1 · 25/04/2019 16:59

Look, if you want a proper relationship with a man (be it your current boyfriend or someone else), you are going to have to change your mindset, so that you place your Partners feelings, above the needs of an ExH.

You don't have small children with ExH. He has a GF of his own. And yet you keep pandering to him. For goodness sake, untangle all of your property with him, and make a clean break, so that you can unmuddy the waters.

You say that your ExH wasn't good to you, and you have no doubt moaned about this to your BF, and then you honestly expect your BF to make nice with a man who has not treated you well. It doesn't work like that. If your BF loves you, he will feel incredibly protective of you, and the last thing he will want to do, is to be nice to, and spend a day with, the man who hurt his Partner.

Personally, if I was single, I wouldn't go near a situation like this, it's so fucking uncomfortable for the outsider.

I also don't understand how you've had loads of building work done, despite being "on the breadline"? Did your ExH give you special rates/freebies?

Anyway, simple solution, let your son stay with his Dad on Christmas Eve, have breakfast with him, open presents, then he can come to yours at 3pm for Christmas dinner. Or vice versa.

Regards the boyfriend, you either love him or you don't, but if you really do, put his feelings first, get a divorce, untangle all of your assets and move on

Binting · 25/04/2019 18:09

God people are weird! YANBU! I didn't think Ywbu at the start of the thread and I still don't think you are. You know you aren't in love with exh. I'm not still in love with any of my exbf's but I'm still in touch with lots of them. Any new bf would have to accept that or do one. I think your bf sounds quite controlling tbh. People need a bit more emotional maturity.

ravenmum · 25/04/2019 20:49

Where does it say that the ex has a gf? I thought he had no-one.

AnyFucker · 25/04/2019 21:05

Your (x) BF drew his line in the sand. You have chosen to disregard it. I don't blame him for enforcing his boundary.

Moralitym1n1 · 25/04/2019 21:06

Op said he has a gf/is in a relationship but that she has weird family issues/setup and can't host him for Christmas.

Chociefish · 25/04/2019 21:25

I'm with your bf on this one. Look forwards not backwards. Ask yourself if you have really let go? An ex can be a fundamentally good person but unless you have young children that warrent contact an ex should remain an ex as a mark of respect towards your current partner or indeed any future partner.......think I may have just given myself some sound advice too🤔

colouringinpro · 25/04/2019 22:17

I think it's brilliant that your ds can spend Christmas day with his mum and dad. And YNBU to want and have that

If you think your relationship with your bf is going to be a significant one, you need to find some middle ground (and I think he is BU if he wants you to cut total contact given you have a child). Split the day, maybe ds can be with you and ex in the morning, then go to his dad's in the afternoon when you spend time with bf?

madcatladyforever · 25/04/2019 22:22

I would be properly pissed off if the situation was reversed, spending every xmas with bf abusive ex. I wouldn't stand for it.

ponyprincess · 26/04/2019 06:07

OP it is not cheaper or easier to wait 5 years to divorce - the only reason for that is if one of you disagrees, after 5 years you can anyway. After 2 years separation you don't need to give reasons if you both agree.

Italia2005 · 26/04/2019 06:25

Firstly, I would consider your son’s feelings about this. Talk to him about this. I think you’re demonstrating a huge kindness to your ex (and setting a great example to your son) by inviting him to spend one day a year with you and his son. Perhaps don’t give in to your BF’s demands this year, and stand your ground on not being told what to do in your own home when he doesn’t live with you, and adopt the attitude that invitations to your ex will stop when your son is 18. Is that a realistic compromise?

babbi · 26/04/2019 06:31

My ex DH and I get on great now and I could easily have him over for dinner, drinks etc anytime and actually sometimes do BUT only if neither of us are involved with someone else ..
I wouldn’t do it at all whilst one of us was dating out of respect for the other partner ..

I understand your position entirely but I’m with your DP on that one ..

Charom · 26/04/2019 06:34

It would’nt bother me OP, my exh and his wife join us for Christmas every now and again, for many years they had no one else to spend Christmas with. Her DC chose to spend every Christmas with their DF and his new wife. I have known my exH since I was 16, he is like a brother to me. I have no romantic feelings for him at all and if I met him now I would not give him a second glance.

The alternative for you in the future OP is your DS would probably split Christmases with you, your exH and any of his future DP’s parents. You might find yourself single, lonely and on your own during Christmases to come.

You don’t share a house with your current DP. He sounds controlling and you might last another five minutes with him. Don’t let him tell you what to do.

Moralitym1n1 · 26/04/2019 07:40

my exh and his wife join us ..

This is like so many posts itt, not the same as the op's bf's situation.

It's not her ex and his partner. If it was, bf would probably feel differently.

Also it's alongside using him as her builder, texting each other about non essential things etc.
It probably doesn't help that they're not even divorced yet and still own property together.

baileys6904 · 26/04/2019 07:52

I've been with my Oh for the last 7 years, extremely happy. Extremely secure. We both have kids with previous partners. His ex wife also has a partner who she has been with a good couple of years.

Every year he goes to his exes and has xmas dinner. I dont have as friendly a relationship with my ex so will either wait at his house or go home and have time to myself (I do xmas with my son on boxing day-he gets 2 x christmases and neither of us miss out)
It's about maintaining relationships and a solid base for the kids. I have no issed with my partner going there. The kids have grown up with a healthy attitude to the split.
If your BF has an issue with this, I would question whether he us someone to be with. What happens at graduation. Or your childs 18h birthday. Or 21st. Or wedding. Or when they have kids. Your BF needs to get over the insecurity/jealousy now as the occasions aren't going to go away

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7