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Original poster

I just need an outsiders point of view on this

175 replies

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 24/04/2019 12:18

I have been seeing my boyfriend for almost 2 years now. We don't live together. Prior to him I was with my ex DH for 24 years and we have been seperated for almost 5 years now. It was my decision to leave and the nastiness has gone and we actually get along ok now, and have a DS who is almost 17.

My BF has big issues with my ex obviously my fault because I've in the past told him how my marriage was, how absolutely awful my DH could be towards me and our DS. But.....I don't have to put up with that side of him anymore so as I said we get along ok.

Now Christmas........ every christmas since we seperated I have invited ex DH over, to see his kid, to have some dinner. he has no family and a complicated GF with family issues of her own so if I don't invite him he would spend xmas day alone. I have known this guy since I was 19, I'm not in love with him, I would never be back with him but I do still care about him and would hate to think of him sad and alone on xmas day.

My BF hates it and has said that if I invite him over xmas day we are done. He said I need to lose the guilt, it's not my problem if he's on his own and that I need to let it go. He thinks my ex would love to be back with me but even if that's the case he knows I would never go back in a million years. I feel he's backed me into a corner and giving me an ultimatum, he says it's not an ultimatum and he is not telling me I cannot invite him, just from his point of view he will not stay around.

That's the short version but from my POV I don't see how sitting on the sofa with my ex husband once a frigging year is such a big issue. Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
happyhillock · 24/04/2019 19:45

I'm with your BF, i wouldn't invite my ex husband to christmas dinner, i couldn't feel sorry for someone who'd treated me badly, your DS can alway's visit him on christmas day.

BlokeHereInPeace · 24/04/2019 19:59

I'd chuck you. Christmas has a significance, being with people you love, care about and who you care about. If you had 30 lonely people round on Christmas day, fair enough, but you are saying to your (ex?) boyfriend that you care more about your ex than you care about him.

Completely unreasonable.

Figure8 · 24/04/2019 20:08

Is there a compromise? Kids dad in the morning+ breakfast, then bf for the rest of the day?

onemorerose · 24/04/2019 21:24

If you’re happy to spend the day with your ex for the sake of your child then it would be an issue for me if the current bf dictated you could not. You’ve stated you get on well now, you share a child and I think it’s lovely and says a lot about you that you can enjoy these times together

Sally2791 · 24/04/2019 22:04

I think you should stand your ground. If you would be happy to do the same for your bf he should respect your decision. Can you compromise by just having him for a few hours over lunch? I would find an ultimatum off putting

bluebell34567 · 24/04/2019 22:46

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack, i think you are a nice person. maybe you can find a middle ground for a few hours for your ds and ex to be together during Christmas.

Original poster
BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 25/04/2019 09:23

Ok, I had a chat with him last night, said I would say ex dh could come and see his son for a couple of hours and then go.

This apparently isn't enough....he says christmas is the cause of a bigger issue. Bascially he hates ex being in my life in any form so apparently is upset because he might ocassionally...and I do mean ocassionally.....send me a message about say someone we used to know or something mundane. Ex is a builder, I've had a lot of building work done and B F is upset that I just used ex and didn't get quotes from anyone else. I explained it's because he's good, he's quick, I trust him and I didn't want to hire someone I don't know who might have done a shit job and ripped me off in the process. Ex treated me like any other client, it was all above board so I can't see the harm.

We (ex dh and me) have a property abroad we need to sell, BF was going on about that and I said that yes we were trying to sell it but the market isn't great at the moment but we will sell as soon as we can....to which BF was like yeah but then you'll have to go out there with him to sign the papers to which I said yes but you should come along too....and he was saying oh I don't know if I can get leave etc etc.
He's pissed of because when I had the work done my ex was fitting new doors and gave me a catalogue for the door handles and said he had a particular one and I said yeah they look ok, I'll have them. Now, I'm not stirred by door handles, I just wanted the fucking job done so I could get my house back but BF has a problem with that.

Obviously that is a tiny snippet of the conversation last night but I just feel like whatever I do, it's never quite enough.

Anyway, that's where we are at, and I need to decide whether to knock it on the head or just carry on and see what happens. BF is a massive over thinker and I am an under thinker, we need to meet in the middle.

OP posts:
Original poster
BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 25/04/2019 09:25

Oh and another thing he was fed up about....last week was the anniversary of ex DH's brothers death (suicide) so I just messaged saying thinking of you and brother.......that was all it was. And that was another thing he was annoyed at.

OP posts:
Moralitym1n1 · 25/04/2019 09:30

Had a feeling it was about more than Christmas.

In your bf's defence, you do sound overly involved in each others lives. You don't seem to have fully detached.

Are you not actually divorced yet then?

Bluntness100 · 25/04/2019 09:31

Ok, sounds like you're in regular friendly contact with your ex, to the extent you even spend Xmas day with him and it's killed your current relarionship, which it would for many people.

Are you sure you're over your ex?

Moralitym1n1 · 25/04/2019 09:32

Bascially he hates ex being in my life in any for

Presumably he's ok with arrangements to see your son etc.?

Plus you said your ex thinks he's a nice guy do he must have passed himself civilly enough with your ex for you and your son's benefit?

Moralitym1n1 · 25/04/2019 09:36

Ok, sounds like you're in regular friendly contact with your ex, to the extent you even spend Xmas day with him and it's killed your current relarionship, which it would for many people.

She invited him round for Christmas and makes him Christmas dinner every year, had him in her home doing her building work, still owns property with him abroad, sends him supportive messages on anniversaries if bereavement etc.

Tbh I wouldn't really blame a partner if they used the princess Diana line about three people being in the relationship (marriage).

Esp cause ex's own relationship sounds a bit sketchy - he can't even spend Christmas with her.

Bluntness100 · 25/04/2019 09:36

I think also you've totally minimised on here. Why say you only have him over one day of the year, then drip feed in you text each other, manage a holiday home, has him do building work for you, picked fittings with him etc? It's clearly very far from having him over one day a year.

Bluntness100 · 25/04/2019 09:37

Morality, agree, cross posted.

ShatnersWig · 25/04/2019 09:37

Sorry, but I'm still with your BF (or possibly soon-to-be-ex). There is a WORLD of difference between amicable parenting and being heavily involved in the life of your ex. The fact is you told your BF that your ex was a bastard to you and your DS - so it makes even less sense to be as involved as you have been. Any contact should be solely and utterly about any arrangements or stuff to do with your DS and nothing else. Why would you want so much involvement that has no connection to your DS with a man who treated you so badly? There are loads of builders, you don't need to use your ex. Can you really not see how that looks to a new BF?

Moralitym1n1 · 25/04/2019 09:37

*has him in her home

Adversecamber22 · 25/04/2019 09:38

He has had to listen to you telling him about how awful your ex was to you and your DS. I don’t know what level of abuse we are talking about here but I for one would not be breaking bread with someone who I knew was abusive ever.

Look to co dependency information.

Lollypop701 · 25/04/2019 09:39

Sounds Your ex is a friend. Now you have to decide if he is a friend you have chosen or it’s because you have boundary issues? If he is now your friend, then will you give up a friendship because a dp doesn’t like it? Bearing in mind you have tainted your dp view of ex as you provided history. Good luck op

Bluntness100 · 25/04/2019 09:39

And agree with shatners wig. I'm with the BF and also don't understand the heavy level of involvement, the minimising, and why you'd wish this from a man who apparently treated you badly.

IvanaPee · 25/04/2019 09:40

I think you still have feelings for your ex and you don’t care all that much about your dp. And that’s just from reading this thread!

You’re both still involved in each other’s lives and it’s not like you have a young dc that this needs to be the case.

Your dp isn’t wrong to be unhappy about this.

I also think you’re minimizing to make yourself and your involvement seem more reasonable.

You’ve split up with dp now so I would leave it. But I would caution you not to get into another relationship, tell him how shitty your ex was, and then expect him to be ok with having him around all the time.

IvanaPee · 25/04/2019 09:41

Oh, and you keep saying he’d be alone. He has a partner. If he doesn’t want to be alone he could work something out with her.

And your son is old enough to visit dad for a couple of hours.

Moralitym1n1 · 25/04/2019 09:42

Also I keep meaning to say - your bf doesn't exist in a vacuum; I can imagine the kind of ribbing/comments and wtf's he gets from his friends and family about spending Christmas day with his partner of 2 years, her son, sister .. and her ex husband. Plus all the other stuff.

People would be telling him to leave it, I think.

Original poster
BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 25/04/2019 09:43

We're not though Morality I can go weeks and weeks with no contact. My DS works for him sometimes so he might send over a photo of him working and that is about it. I haven't seen him since christmas last year, I don't have regular contact with him but if I need any help re house maintenance I will ask his opinion because it is his trade, not because he is my ex. But again, that's a rarity.

No not divorced yet but that is purely financial, I'm on the breadline all the time but once we've been seperated five years I believe its cheaper and easier. I haven't felt married since the day I left, to me marriage is a bit of paper. I always thought that unless I wanted to get married again what's the point in a divorce but I guess we can all have different stances on that.

Bluntness yes completely over, I was the one who left, I was unhappy for a good long while beforehand, would never ever ever ever want to be with him again, but I don't see why that should stop me caring about him still.

Yes, he was very civil, so civil in fact that I didn't know there was an issue until way and then it all came tumbling out. Up till then I thought harmony was there, they chatted, BF even brought ex some t bags round when he was working on my place, made him a cuppa etc, I honestly didn't realise he hated him.

OP posts:
Original poster
BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 25/04/2019 09:44

Morality it was for about four hours, not all day. Apart from the odd message there really is no other stuff.

OP posts:
IvanaPee · 25/04/2019 09:45

He doesn’t need to send you pictures of your 17 year old son at his job. 🙄

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