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Original poster

I just need an outsiders point of view on this

175 replies

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 24/04/2019 12:18

I have been seeing my boyfriend for almost 2 years now. We don't live together. Prior to him I was with my ex DH for 24 years and we have been seperated for almost 5 years now. It was my decision to leave and the nastiness has gone and we actually get along ok now, and have a DS who is almost 17.

My BF has big issues with my ex obviously my fault because I've in the past told him how my marriage was, how absolutely awful my DH could be towards me and our DS. But.....I don't have to put up with that side of him anymore so as I said we get along ok.

Now Christmas........ every christmas since we seperated I have invited ex DH over, to see his kid, to have some dinner. he has no family and a complicated GF with family issues of her own so if I don't invite him he would spend xmas day alone. I have known this guy since I was 19, I'm not in love with him, I would never be back with him but I do still care about him and would hate to think of him sad and alone on xmas day.

My BF hates it and has said that if I invite him over xmas day we are done. He said I need to lose the guilt, it's not my problem if he's on his own and that I need to let it go. He thinks my ex would love to be back with me but even if that's the case he knows I would never go back in a million years. I feel he's backed me into a corner and giving me an ultimatum, he says it's not an ultimatum and he is not telling me I cannot invite him, just from his point of view he will not stay around.

That's the short version but from my POV I don't see how sitting on the sofa with my ex husband once a frigging year is such a big issue. Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
Moralitym1n1 · 24/04/2019 14:06

*odd

Original poster
BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 24/04/2019 14:10

Order to be fair, if I didn't care about him I wouldn't have started
this thread.

OP posts:
Aussiebean · 24/04/2019 14:13

I am actually against most here. I am friends with a girl whoes parents are divorced and she has a partner ( cheating on both sides )

But they get on great. They talk, plan things, he helps out with her invalid mother etc and there is no animosity on either side.

My friend is so grateful for this. She can talk to both sets of parents, if she needs help they are both there to support her and they are fantastic grandparents. She doesn’t have to hide any communication or information as it’s all on open book.

When I was speaking to her mothe, she said that when they broke up they realised that the most important thing was the children and they were going to be there for them not matter what.

I think if you and your ex can be a team and your son is comfortable with you both, and he doesn’t have to negotiate anyone’s ego, then go for it.

A bf of two years shouldn’t be the one to decide how you relate to your ex of 25 years.

Of course, not everyone is going to be able to achieve this, but if you can then go for it.

user1474894224 · 24/04/2019 14:17

Sorry I disagree with most people here. You are a lovely kind person who is doing a kind thing at Christmas. Stuff everyone else. Surely your (ex)BF fell in love with this kind side of you. You and exH are showing your son how grown ups can behave and this is a great thing to do. So crack on. Open your doors to any waifs and strays you want to. P.s. I hate ultimatums. If he'd just said 'it makes me feel uncomfortable when he's here' my response might be a bit different.

snoutandab0ut · 24/04/2019 14:19

Going against the grain, I completely disagree with everyone here. I used to date a guy with an ex who he had kids with and would sometimes go for dinner at her house with the kids. If we'd hosted Christmas and he'd wanted to invite her it wouldn't have even occurred to me to be annoyed - she's the mother of his kids?! She used to invite me in for a cup of tea when we dropped the kids back with her and if she dropped them at ours I'd do the same. I really can't see the issue, I know he had no interest in getting back with her. There's nothing wrong with being friends with an ex. The BF sounds controlling and I think you were right to get rid.

TheLastNigel · 24/04/2019 14:22

I do a similar thing with my exh on Christmas Day. My view is that it's what's best for the kids-him coming to my house means they aren't in a position where they have to choose between us which would make them anxious and they wouldn't like.
It's one day out of my life and I can cope with it for that amount of time as can he. Neither of us love it I'm sure, but the girls do.

My boyfriend doesn't totally love it but he recognises that whilst it's still best for the girls then it's pretty much what we'll be doing.
We have 'our' Christmas the weekend before usually and it's fine.

Original poster
BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 24/04/2019 14:35

Sorry I disagree with most people here. You are a lovely kind person who is doing a kind thing at Christmas. Stuff everyone else. Surely your (ex)BF fell in love with this kind side of you.

User 147 this is what I said. he always said he loved my pureness and my kindness so I have pointed out the quality he loves in me is ultimately the quality that has ended us. He also always told me to be a rebel, to do what I feel is right although in all fairness he did say to always to do that even if it went against him and he ended up losing me.

OP posts:
Treesthemovie · 24/04/2019 16:10

I don't see how prioritising your abusive ex's feelings over your partner is a kind and pure act but suppose everyone sees things differently

Treesthemovie · 24/04/2019 16:13

All this stuff about your kindness and how it's torn the relationship apart sounds a bit theatrical. The reality is you are more bothered about your ex than your current partner. That's not a crime but seems a bit dishonest.

Moralitym1n1 · 24/04/2019 16:32

I feel like it's a boundaries issue, I don't think you've ever developed real boundaries with/against you ex. It sounds like you've never stopped feeling responsible for him (?) It could be easy to see why do some might think you're still wrapped up ins dysfunctional dynamic with him and never established the physical and emotional distance perhaps you should have. You seem to have retained s bit of dysfunctional codependency, even with leaving him and supposedly moving on.

Maybe that's what your bf's issue is, rather than outright feeling threatened, or jealousy, or being controlling.

What other issues have caused this, it seems unlikely it's only this, at this time of the year?

potatosaladnquiche · 24/04/2019 16:32

FWIW OP I don't think you're being unreasonable.

My Dad was a real shit to my Mum for a lot of the marriage (now divorced) but she always has and always would invite him for Christmas dinner if he was to be alone otherwise. (For her adult children's sake and also my Dad's sake).

Neither have any interest in each other, but they are both our parents and have always been more than amicable, also because they were a huge part of each others lives for years so will always help and be kind where they can.

My Mums partner accepts this, believes that it is platonic and gets on with my Dad so also wouldn't want him to be alone either also he's not a selfish man child issuing ultimatums to get his own way

MattFreisWeatherReport · 24/04/2019 16:48

I don't like ultimatums, either received or delivered, so that alone would make me want to tell your bf to shove it. But that said, I can see that this isn't really about Christmas Day so much as a general sense that you aren't moving on and should be if you're serious about your new relationship. So I think you should give that some thought, and if you think he has a point then accommodating his feelings over Christmas Day could be a symbolic thing to do for him.

But the important thing here really is your DS's feelings, isn't it. Because if DS has always spent Christmas Day with his Dad there too, then you need to consider the effect on him of making a new plan. If he's in his late teens, could he spend the day at his Dad's house without you? They get to see each other as normal and your bf gets his pound of flesh. Only if you're happy with that too, though.

MsDogLady · 24/04/2019 17:22

You say you’ve been separated for almost 5 years. Are you not divorced yet?

minmooch · 24/04/2019 17:45

I would have no issue with my current partner's ex wife being there for Christmas - in fact I invited her last year but she declined. I've had christmases with my ex husband his wife and all the kids.

It's lovely for all the children of blends families if you can all get along.

I am not threatened by my partners ex, nor he mine.

I quite like my ex now I am no longer married to him. And I adore his wife.

Surely this is what blended/divorced families do when there are children involved?

StormTreader · 24/04/2019 17:53

It doesn't really matter whether it's reasonable or not, what matters is how important it is to you. Is it important enough to you to potentially break up with your BF over?
It sounds to me like this is his way of asking "look, me or him, which is it?"

shaggedthruahedgebackwards · 24/04/2019 17:54

Another one disagreeing with the majority here but I don't think YABU

It is once a year and he is just coming for dinner not staying overnight or anything

In your shoes I would stand my ground and if your BF won't accept it then he obviously has the option to walk away from the relationship

Being on amicable terms is surely better than being at loggerheads

OldAndWornOut · 24/04/2019 18:05

I'm kind of on the fence.
I wouldn't want someone dictating what I'm 'allowed' to do in my own house.

It is slightly odd, but I'm bloody sure there are households up and down the country with stranger stuff going on, behind the scenes.

Its not actually doing any harm to anyone, so I'd probably continue (I think!)

PrincessDanae · 24/04/2019 18:08

I don't think you're being unreasonable either. You were together a long time, and you still care for him. He is still 'family' even if he is no longer your partner.

Tell your newly ex BF to take a hike.

NameChangeNugget · 24/04/2019 18:10

It I was your boyfriend, I’d have walked ages ago

InadvertentlyBrilliant · 24/04/2019 18:13

It's an unusual set up but not necessarily anything wrong with it. Until my dad died I would have both mum and dad over for Christmas day after my mum's 2nd DH died. My dad visited my DD at home when he was dying too.

It's whatever suits you that doesn't upset the rest of the family too.

After 2 years with your BF hasn't the relationship progressed to living together or getting engaged etc? If he was live in partner I'd let him have a say but not until that stage.

Not sure why but don't like the sound of the BF.

OldAndWornOut · 24/04/2019 18:40

I think 'moving on' from an ex is when you don't feel hatred or animosity towards them.
So, being able to spend an hour or two in their company shows there really isn't anything for bf to worry about.

Lollypop701 · 24/04/2019 19:03

The ex husband, I’m on the fence. The ultimatum, he’d be gone. If he’d told you he didn’t like it, and didn’t want it to happen this year that. I’d completely take that on board and reach a compromise . The do this or you’ll loose me smacks of control. Unless he has asked you ‘nicely’ before op, and you’ve ignored it so hes felt he has to go this far?

TypeA · 24/04/2019 19:14

Your DC is 17.. nearly an adult. Will you be inviting your ex round once they've left home? If not.. why not just knock it on the head now? It has to end at some point. Salvage the decent relationship you have with your partner.

BonneMaman77 · 24/04/2019 19:23

Is your BF opposed to x-mas day invite or any invite? If its the x-mas day then only I am with your BF.

Any other day as long as it's not a regular thing and on a non-special day (e.g. your b'day or his) then I am with you.

Regular invites on special days are well personal for people who are special. I can see why your BF has a problem. I would not stick around either as it is weird. Also not a good story from your BF's point of view if he doesn't like and told you as much and you continue to want to do it then it shows him you don't care enough and so why should he stick around. This latter point is true for most reasonable requests in relationships.

BonneMaman77 · 24/04/2019 19:33

Just saw your post Betty, sorry to hear your relationship has ended. It sounds like your exBF was a good man who encouraged you to be yourself.
As in every situation there is a lesson there and only you will recognise it. Best wishes Betty.