I just need an outsiders point of view on this

[BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack]

I have been seeing my boyfriend for almost 2 years now. We don't live together. Prior to him I was with my ex DH for 24 years and we have been seperated for almost 5 years now. It was my decision to leave and the nastiness has gone and we actually get along ok now, and have a DS who is almost 17.

My BF has big issues with my ex obviously my fault because I've in the past told him how my marriage was, how absolutely awful my DH could be towards me and our DS. But.....I don't have to put up with that side of him anymore so as I said we get along ok.

Now Christmas........ every christmas since we seperated I have invited ex DH over, to see his kid, to have some dinner. he has no family and a complicated GF with family issues of her own so if I don't invite him he would spend xmas day alone. I have known this guy since I was 19, I'm not in love with him, I would never be back with him but I do still care about him and would hate to think of him sad and alone on xmas day.

My BF hates it and has said that if I invite him over xmas day we are done. He said I need to lose the guilt, it's not my problem if he's on his own and that I need to let it go. He thinks my ex would love to be back with me but even if that's the case he knows I would never go back in a million years. I feel he's backed me into a corner and giving me an ultimatum, he says it's not an ultimatum and he is not telling me I cannot invite him, just from his point of view he will not stay around.

That's the short version but from my POV I don't see how sitting on the sofa with my ex husband once a frigging year is such a big issue. Am I being unreasonable?

I agree with you and he’s a dick for threatening to leave you over it.

Is your boyfriend over Christmas day?

Furry I do not live with my BF, it is my house. If we lived together this would be a non issue but we don't and it almost feels like I am being told who I can let into my own house. Which it's not at all, just feels like it.

But yes, I see I am being unreasonable so thank you, it's good to get other point of views.

Slippery yes he would be there as well.

And you sound too kind (and/or lacking in boundaries somewhat).

Anyway as I said above, some people would be ok with this; but I doubt the majority would. You either dump your bf and find one of the minority (which if he's a good partner generally seems unwise) or make other arrangements e.g. year about with you/your ex for your son.

There's no way on earth my DH ex would set foot in my house for Christmas, and he wouldn't want her to either. I'm pretty sure she would also be horrified at the thought, even if she was alone.

Oh well that’s totally different!!!

I thought you shared a home with your boyfriend.

In that case it’s none of his business who you have in your house!

My wife's first husband was a nasty, abusive (in every way) POS and for what he did to the woman I love I would happily bury him in the woods. However, he is also the father of my stepkids and, at the end of the day, he is her ex not mine. I've never dictated to her what her relationship with her ex should be because I'm not controlling, I just support her in how she wants to play it. Despite my opinion of him, I am civil, almost friendly, when we come into contact at family events. I don't see him as competition and I don't have the ego of a twelve-year-old that I need to indulge.

You can probably tell that I think you should let your BF carry out his ultimatum and not let the door hit his arse on the way out.

And you sound too kind (and/or lacking in boundaries somewhat)

Yes definitely, this is a problem of mine for sure. It is something I am trying to work on

I was imagining a step dad who looked after the son and had built a home around you both and you were asking him to basically step down for the day.

Nah he’s being controlling.

What have you told your boyfriend about your ex's behaviour? Do you accept it was an abusive relationship?

In that case it’s none of his business who you have in your house!

I actually disagree.

He's been in a relationship with her your 2 years, he's her partner. It's reasonable to expect to spend Christmas together without her ex husband (whom he knows was horrible to her at times) sat in the middle of it in some weird three way/festive ménage a trois, opening gifts and eating dinner and discussing TV. It's almost like a black comedy.

I find it inappropriate, and as I said I don't know why he'd ex is ok with it; other than laziness, convenience, selfishness.

*her

He can see his son at Christmas without doing this.

I would happily bury him in the woods.

Mental note my to cross TooTrue

• not to cross

I am civil, almost friendly, when we come into contact at family events

Do you have to spend Christmas day, eat your Christmas dinner etc. with him?

He's been in a relationship with her your 2 years, he's her partner. It's reasonable to expect to spend Christmas together without her ex husband (whom he knows was horrible to her at times) sat in the middle of it in some weird three way/festive ménage a trois, opening gifts and eating dinner and discussing TV. It's almost like a black comedy

*Morality this is exactly how BF sees it and I completely get it. My sister is usually there too, and he's not there for the gift opening etc. But yes I do get it, just need to work out now what to do.

Mental note my to cross TooTrue

:) It was just a figure of speach. Hopefully the rest of my post shows that I'm a fairly reasonable person, despite that snippet.

Ok, let me get this right. You don't live with BF. On Christmas day, there is you, DS17, BF and XH having a cosy Christmas together?!? Nope. If this was my partner I would go up the wall! Bounderies need to be in place for a reason and your DS is plenty old enough to see his Dad at his!

I am sure there are options that will keep everyone happy. But the issue with your BF thinking this is about your ex getting his feet under the door, well that is a bit worrying. He needs to get a better perspective on trust and come to terms with your ex being in your life forever.

Really your son should make Christmas plans with his father whether it’s half a day or every other year. I think you have allowed this to happen so you get to control Christmas. This sort of thing always leads to pitfalls when there is a new partner.

I'm with your bf on this. I'd hate to spend Christmas every year with my husband's ex ! Your son is grown - why not suggest that he could spend Christmas Eve with his father, or take turns to spend Christmas Day with him, starting this year .

My family is blended - the kids spend some of the Christmas season with their father and some with us. Surely your DS could do that . The idea of the three of you sitting on the couch sounds awful and awkward !

There’s nothing wrong woth having an amicable relationship with your ex, infact it’s great, and much easier if you’ve got dc together. But I’m with you bf about Xmas. It’s not your place to ‘look after him’ or ensure he’s not having Xmas on his own. That’s his look out. In your bf shoes I’d want a family Xmas minus the ex.

So your ex husband was absolutely awful to you during your marriage..yet you are throwing away a decent relationship for him...hummm are you sure you don’t want to back with him..
I’m not a huge fan of ultimations .tends to make me do the opposite.and I’m not a huge fan of bf putting foot down.
I suspect your bf is right.
I think I actually agree with him

@TooTrueToBeGood

Uh huh 😉.