I just need an outsiders point of view on this

[BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack]

I have been seeing my boyfriend for almost 2 years now. We don't live together. Prior to him I was with my ex DH for 24 years and we have been seperated for almost 5 years now. It was my decision to leave and the nastiness has gone and we actually get along ok now, and have a DS who is almost 17.

My BF has big issues with my ex obviously my fault because I've in the past told him how my marriage was, how absolutely awful my DH could be towards me and our DS. But.....I don't have to put up with that side of him anymore so as I said we get along ok.

Now Christmas........ every christmas since we seperated I have invited ex DH over, to see his kid, to have some dinner. he has no family and a complicated GF with family issues of her own so if I don't invite him he would spend xmas day alone. I have known this guy since I was 19, I'm not in love with him, I would never be back with him but I do still care about him and would hate to think of him sad and alone on xmas day.

My BF hates it and has said that if I invite him over xmas day we are done. He said I need to lose the guilt, it's not my problem if he's on his own and that I need to let it go. He thinks my ex would love to be back with me but even if that's the case he knows I would never go back in a million years. I feel he's backed me into a corner and giving me an ultimatum, he says it's not an ultimatum and he is not telling me I cannot invite him, just from his point of view he will not stay around.

That's the short version but from my POV I don't see how sitting on the sofa with my ex husband once a frigging year is such a big issue. Am I being unreasonable?

Do you have to spend Christmas day, eat your Christmas dinner etc. with him?

Not so far. I've sat beside him at the top table of one of the kids weddings and have rubbed shoulders with him at various other weddings, christenings, birthdays and a funeral. If my wife decided she wanted him over for xmas (as unlikely as that might be) I can't see why i would have an issue with it. She would have her reasons for wanting to do that. It's more likely we might all get invited to xmas at one of the kid's homes and I wouldn't have a problem with that either. They have children together, he is always going to be connected to her and, of course, to the kids. Why would I upset my extended family by acting like an asshole?

Sorry but your exh has a gf, let her feet guilty about him. There's no way I would put my exh feelings before my Bf's. Your exh is not your responsibility, he's a grown man and it's one day in the year - is that worth your relationship?

My sister is usually there too, and he's not there for the gift opening etc

Well that less weird, but still; I think many people would be uncomfortable about it.

Maybe your ex could call in on Christmas morning to exchange gifts and have a drink/coffee but not stay all day, for dinner etc.

Maybe you could do year about.

Maybe you could go out for Christmas day or boxing day, I suppose that's not as personal/home based as your house, but you bf might still feel like his Christmas dinner with his partner involves her ex.

Maybe you could do year about with your son; your ex sounds like he could do with stepping up instead of taking the lazy, poor me option.

It does seem an odd arrangement to me, and as others have said, you don't owe your ex anything. Whilst your bf should not be dictating who you have in your home and what you do there, if he is an otherwise decent person I suspect that he feels very disappointed, and possibly a bit threatened by your relationship with your ex.

Why doesn't your DS go and spend Christmas Day with his Dad?

He's been in a relationship with her your 2 years, he's her partner. It's reasonable to expect to spend Christmas together without her ex husband (whom he knows was horrible to her at times) sat in the middle of it in some weird three way/festive ménage a trois, opening gifts and eating dinner and discussing TV. It's almost like a black comedy.

This ^
I'm with your bf 100%.
Your ex choosing to sit on his own on Christmas day (if he did) would be his choice.
Does he really not have any other family ?
Does he not have any friends? - perhaps he should think about why not, if that is the case.
He could either attend one of the numerous Community Christmas lunches that happens all over the place, or choose to help at one.
Or, he could actually sit alone, relax, watch some TV, and maybe even think about why he is alone.

It is not your problem. Well, it will be your problem in terms of your relationship going forward, if you can't see how wrong and uncomfortable this is for your bf.

Not so far. I've sat beside him at the top table of one of the kids weddings and have rubbed shoulders with him at various other weddings, christenings, birthdays and a funeral. If my wife decided she wanted him over for xmas (as unlikely as that might be) I can't see why i would have an issue with it.

Christmas day Inc dinner at home is different in my book.
It's to be expected to rub shoulders with ex's at events like that; they're usually in public places and not one on one much.

I honestly think you're in the minority there.

I don't know why Christmas day is already an issue, it's only April! Your DC will be 17 and you'll have been with your BF nearly 3 years at Christmas. I can see why his feelings would be hurt.

There is definitely something wrong with this situation, but it's hard to know what exactly it is based on what you've described. I don't think there's anything wrong with inviting an ex who is the father of your child to dinner (any day, not just Christmas), so that they can spend quality time with your child if they wouldn't otherwise see them. My mum often invited my dad (and his partner!) for holidays at our house. I wouldn't have spent time with him any other way as he had no other contact with me (my parents divorced when I was 8, my dad took me out once for a day out between then and when I turned 18, never had me for an overnight, he wasn't that bothered). So perhaps an odd arrangement, but it meant I had some semblance of a relationship with him for a time (he died when I was 18).

But the difference was that no one had any issues with it (his partner really enjoyed it and actually I've kept in touch with her for 20 years now after his death) and it wasn't every holiday and it wasn't because my mum felt sorry for him. It was about me and she felt it was the right thing to do as a parent. Perhaps it's time to back off a bit, have some holiday times just with your partner, let your son go enjoy some time with his dad some years, and keep the times together to very special family occasions (weddings, graduations, etc.). Your partner is right that it shouldn't be something you are doing for your ex even if it's okay to do it sometimes when it's best for your child.

I don't think it's up to you to make up to your ex where his girlfriend falls short. You need to stay out of it and let him figure it out with her.

If my partner had an ex turn up on important days, I would be extremely uncomfortable. If my partner was serious about me they would only communicate with their ex when necessary, not invite them over to family gatherings. It would make me feel like my partner was not serious about me or our future together, and I would question their commitment if they dismissed my feelings.

I would recommend that you split Christmas with your ex - have him host your son for the first half of the day and take your son for the second half. He is a grown ass man I'm sure he can manage some basic food and decorations.

As for your relationship, doing what he wants once doesn't mean you have to do it all the time. But you do need to take his feelings into consideration, especially after two years together. Keep in mind that if you felt this strongly about something, you wouldn't want him to disregard how you feel either. You need to be on the same team. This means he comes before your ex.

Bet if your ex finds someone he’ll soon stop the Xmas day thing, though?

from my POV I don't see how sitting on the sofa with my ex husband once a frigging year is such a big issue. Am I being unreasonable?

My DD was pretty awful to DM once they separated (and seemingly not brilliant whilst they were married) we have birthday lunches, Xmas & just had Easter Sunday together so it isn’t odd to me that you are happy to invite him. DP says it isn’t an ultimatum but it totally is!

Op why is DP so threatened by your EX?

My parents split when I was 5. My DF spent a week with us every Xmas (we moved away a couple of years after their divorce) up until he died 8 years ago. Neither of my 2 step dads had a problem with it. DF would have been on his own (never remarried or had any major relationships after my mum) and we (3 DC) got to see both our parents Christmas Day/week.

Your BF doesn't live with you so I'd say unless that changes it's up to you who you invite for Christmas dinner. You'll probably find though that once you stop inviting ExH, your DS may want to spend Christmas Day with his DF so he won't be on his own.

Op why is DP so threatened by your EX?

I wouldn't have to feel threatened by a partner's ex wife/husvand not to want to spend Christmas day with them and sit down to my Christmas dinner with them.it would just be odd, uncomfortable, unnecessary, inappropriate etc.

Is op's ex husband having to sit down to his Christmas dinner with his partner's ex? No, she's not even spending it with him.

What about his family - not one person who would host him? Doesn't say much for his likeability.

Morality he has no family. His parents are dead as is his brother. he really has no one but I guess I have to stop seeing that as my issue.

There's two things, isn't there. Your BF thinking he can tell you what to do in your own house; and 5 years on your ex still coming round when perhaps you might want to think about knocking that on the head. But that's your decision, not your BF's.

If your BF hadn't forced your hand, would you have still invited your ex this year? Would Christmas eve or Boxing day have been an idea?

Fair enough, that's a pity.

He doesn't even have aunts, uncles, cousins (though I know I some families, they're not close)?

Maybe a compromise of him coming around in the morning but not for dinner of something? I

Of if you all went out to a restaurant/hotel for it, would you partner still feel as uncomfortable?

Alternatively, he could take your son year about.

Anyway, it's unfortunate but yes, it's not your problem. What are the issues with his gf that she and her family can't host her partner, who has no family for a day?

My non-live-in bf has a daughter who's 9, and on Christmas Day his ex comes round and they open presents together for the sake of their daughter. His ex said I could come along to this too but I said no thanks.

Your situation is different, though: your son is grown up, and you're not doing it for him but for an ex who treated you badly. That's pretty odd.

As I turned down the offer of sitting awkwardly with my bf's ex and gatecrashing his daughter's family Christmas, I spent the day alone - no family in this country at the time. Fortunately I'm a big girl and able to deal with being alone at Christmas.

Would extending your Christmas to wider family and having more people (in your house, someone else's, or a hotel/restaurant) be feasible. That would 'dilute' the situation and it wouldn't be your partner sat at close quarters with just you, your son and your ex (and your sister). A larger group might make it more palatable. (Maybe not, maybe your bf would still be pissed off at the principle of it).

Also worth asking how you rate/feel.abug your bf - do you think he's a good partner, do you want a future with him, is he reasonable most of the time/abut most things?

To be honest, neither of us have a big family but I think I will just go with the idea of him coming in the morning to see DS then going.

As I turned down the offer of sitting awkwardly with my bf's ex and gatecrashing his daughter's family Christmas, I spent the day alone - no family in this country at the time. Fortunately I'm a big girl and able to deal with being alone at Christmas

I just have to try and get into this mindset and not feel bad. Easier said than done but I guess this thread has made me see that I'm being unfair to my BF. Although actually ex BF so now I need to decide whether to talk to him about it or just move on and learn a lesson from this.

YABU. I’m on your dp side and wouldn’t be having Christmas all together either

But also note that because I didn't want to be with bf+his ex, I stayed at home - leaving him to do what he wanted in his own home. I didn't complain about his arrangements or act funny about it - reassured him that I was fine with celebrating with him another day.

Sounds like you were trying to be nice, whereas your ex-bf was not trying to be nice. If he ended it over that fairly little thing, maybe he was considering ending it anyway.

You don’t really sound like you care much about your bf anyway.

Although actually ex BF so now I need to decide whether to talk to him about it or just move on and learn a lesson from this.

If you're otherwise happy with him, think he's a good person, can see a future with him etc. I'd talk to him.

But is this the only issue - seems like an off time of year for this to blow up and escalate to finishing over.