AIBU new home

[yan79]

Hi, I’ve been with my partner just short of a year and we’re buying a house together. He’s actually buying it as my credit is less than perfect.
I’ve rented since separating from my ex husband 4 years ago.
I work part-time due to having young children and I receive a significant amount in universal credit and housing benefit.
He is classed as a high earner and has one child who he sees a few days a week. I have my children 5 days a week.

We got chatting about contribution to the new house and he expects me to contribute the exact same amount as him (he earns over 50k and at the moment I earn 14k)
I’m well aware that I’ll need to increase my hours when we live together but I’ll never ever earn as much as him. In fact when we live together I’ll loose nearly 1k a month in child benefit, universal credit and housing benefit which is fine as this was only ever a temporary measure while my children are young to help me get by and I always knew that I’d have to work more and not be reliant on these benefits.
I won’t be able to work full-time as childcare isn’t available to me to cover my unsocial hours so I’ve decided to increase my hours to 30 hours over 3 days which is just about manageable.
AIBU in thinking I shouldn’t be expected to contribute the exact same amount as him?
It will leave me with barely any disposable income and also I think the child maintenance I receive from my children’s father shouldn’t be taken into consideration when it comes to my income?

I just wanted a neutral opinion from people that don’t know either of us as my family say YANBU as do my friends.

Many thanks 😘

Here's my suggestion. Tell him that you'd like to get something official about the house. That you'd like to see a solictor about what's the best way to do it. If he refuses, this is the evidence you need to pull out. Also the idea of you paying the same amount despite your lower earnings is ridiculous. I've mostly earned more than my dp (I currently earn around double) and all our money is shared. Even before we got married and had a child.

Currently I pay out £1200 a month for my rent and bills but I get over £2200 living on my own as a single parent

All you've got to say to him is that it's all been a bit rushed and a bit of a whirlwind romance and now that the dust has settled you'd like more time to consider your future. That's all you have to say.

OP. You are sleepwalking into disaster.

Wake Up!

What protections are in please should you break up? He holds all the cards, the mortgage is in his name & you won't have the resources to fight him in court over the share of the mortgage you have paid.

Look at it from that view: you are back on your feet after divorce, renting, receive benefits which help you work part time, know that you will increase your work hours as the kids grow up, and you have bad credit

That's all fine. But such a drastic change - all in his favour - will be a LOT to cope with. Not only will you have to work more hours to cover childcare and uproot your kids, he will expect you to do a less than 50/50 share of housework and maintenance, I'm sure, because you don't earn as much.

You will run yourself ragged just trying to keep things together. Kids will be neglected as you have less time, he will probably grumble if you're not around to pick up after this big blended household. He holds the keys.

You're paying him rent to live and work for him as well? For a man who earns 5 times your wage but still wants to split things equally?

I'm saying this as I would to a friend: please stay put. Your relationship can still progress, but you are giving away your power. It's a fresh relationship and he could dump you on a whim, you will feel it harder to leave because you will have sunk so much into this.

You will be starting from scratch again, like you're at the bottom of a slide. And worse off than having credit card debt, you will have helped pay off the mortgage of his house

Please don't be blinkered by empty promises or sex. This is such a bad deal for you, I'm genuinely sad

I 100% guarantee that even if you discovered you could be put on the mortgage, he'd find a way to quash it happening. He'd put you off some how.

With lots of pats on the head, no doubt. To make you stop worrying your pretty little head about it.

I’ve certainly had my eyes opened.
I’ve had a text from him today, just the standard how are you? I love you. I could have cried. He’s not the most approachable of people when it comes to things like this and he’ll probably loose his shit.
We’re going away next week and I don’t know if it’d be best to do it once we’re back 😔

Who paid for the trip you're going on next week?

You get literally no benefit with this move OP.
None at all.
Not for your DC.
Not for your finances.
Not for your independence.
You are sleepwalking right into financial suicide here!
Please please wake up and smell the coffee.
You will be no better off in any way at all if you do this.
Tell him now that you have way too much to lose and you aren't moving in with him.
You will live independently for now and make more decisions in a few years time.
I know you feel like you can't pull out now but you cannot allow this situation to happen to you and your DC!
Put the brakes on right now!

Who paid for the trip you're going on next week

^ he paid, for my 40th

@hellsbellsmelons I’m so worried that he’s paid a fortune out already AND sold his house. I feel sick at the thought

@yan79 he'll probably lose his shit?

And more besides, if you move in with him like this. He sounds somewhat controlling now but imagine the fights and the arguments when you depend on him totally to live.

I would love you too if you were about to move into my new house, in my name, pay a portion of my mortgage, be really really dependent on me, agree when I say we pay 50:50 despite earning WAY more, be there to look after the kids and the house...

It's like having a nanny but one without any working rights. It's the start of a situation that can quickly get abusive.

Please love yourself more than this man. Think of everything you have had to put up with in life, to raise your kids, to work, to pull everything together. It take guts and self protection and you've got them clearly. Smell this pot of coffee for what it is... shit

In that case, i'd be inclined to tell him before the trip. You sound afraid to tell him.

If you are afraid he'll 'lose his shit' then that tells you all you need to know. This is not an equal, loving, caring relationship.

You're not on the mortgage! His financial decisions are his own problem. If he has steamrolled ahead on the legal paperwork without remotely involving you legally, then he's a fuckstick anyway. Nothing to feel bad about. Feel the breath of relief that you're not going to be this man's paid handmaiden

Yes, he’s short tempered and will most definitely not see my side of the story. He’ll probably throw a strop and leave 🙁
I could be wrong but if we’ve argued in the past he generally spits the dummy out and things get blown out of proportion for a day or so before we can sit and talk rationally

I don't mean to sound rude OP, but you sound like you are afraid of talking to him about this. How can you possibly move your children in with a man you are afraid to have this conversation with?

Wow. I can’t believe you’re even considering this!! No! Please listen. This is extremely serious. My sister did this. She didn’t marry him and his name only was on the mortgage. When he decided he didn’t want her anymore, years later, she had nothing. She had no rights. The solicitor said any verbal agreement wasn’t enforceable. She paid thousands to live there (her contribution) gave up benefits, gave up her council house!! Ended up thousands in debt, back living with parents at almost 50 years old with absolutely nothing to show for any of it. He made thousands and kept it all and there wasn’t a damn thing anyone could do about it. DO NOT DO THIS. Either you get married before you move in or your name goes on the mortgage. End of.

@yan79 but you aren't living on your own, he's living with you for the majority of the week. You could have your benefits withdrawn if they find out.

Apart from that, I agree with the others. This does not bode well for you at all as it all seems to be on his terms only. You cannot be expected to pay exactly half as he can. It should be worked out on a proportional basis.

I don’t know 🤷🏼‍♀️ I suppose I’ve just thought that’s the way it is, he deals with things differently to me and that’s just the dynamics of our relationship.
I’m very open, understanding and considerate and he’s quite short tempered and has a chip on his shoulder

Irrespective of what you pay towards the mortgage (and I assume this is only a portion of the £900), I can't see how you can afford to live with him. It is horrible relying on benefits but at the moment you are struggling financially, even with the support. Sit down and look at your current budget. Everything. Take away the £1000 you get in benefit support and where does that leave you?

The ONLY way you can do this at the moment is if you are with a true partner, someone who agrees that you will do it together, and that they can shoulder some of the financial pain alongside you.

You need to tell him that you CANNOT afford to move in with him. If you love each other and want to live together then you need to change your timescale until your dc are older and you can work full time, and have paid off some of your debt.

He will probably be well pissed off at being left with the costs of a larger-than-needed house but he was as naive as you in making the decision to sell his house and embark on an enormous project without sitting down and having the conversation with you. You've both been living in a dream. And it's not a dream you can afford. 😢

@pinkmonkeybird I didn’t know that. He just comes here at 8pm we eat, go to bed and he goes to work at 6am, sometimes I stay at his when I don’t have the kids and tonight for instance I won’t see him at all. I don’t know that was something that could affect my benefits

Years ago, living with someone was nearly always done as a sort of "trial" marriage before going ahead with the real thing.

Now, living together seems to be a thing to aspire to in itself and I personally don't see what the attractive of this is.

This is why I'm still single 7 years after my divorce. I want love and marriage and nothing else will do.

@venusandmarse
As my financial situation is now, if I minus the 1k a month that I get then I’ll have £1200 (my salary and maintenance)

If I were you I would reply to his text all good but doing some research into the house situation, we need to discuss the split and how much we are putting and how we are going to legally do it. If he is known for having a paddy in difficult discussions let him know it's coming so it's not a shock to him, he might react better? You need to put yours and your children's needs first here, going all in on a house you have no legal right over is not in your best interest