AIBU new home

[yan79]

Hi, I’ve been with my partner just short of a year and we’re buying a house together. He’s actually buying it as my credit is less than perfect.
I’ve rented since separating from my ex husband 4 years ago.
I work part-time due to having young children and I receive a significant amount in universal credit and housing benefit.
He is classed as a high earner and has one child who he sees a few days a week. I have my children 5 days a week.

We got chatting about contribution to the new house and he expects me to contribute the exact same amount as him (he earns over 50k and at the moment I earn 14k)
I’m well aware that I’ll need to increase my hours when we live together but I’ll never ever earn as much as him. In fact when we live together I’ll loose nearly 1k a month in child benefit, universal credit and housing benefit which is fine as this was only ever a temporary measure while my children are young to help me get by and I always knew that I’d have to work more and not be reliant on these benefits.
I won’t be able to work full-time as childcare isn’t available to me to cover my unsocial hours so I’ve decided to increase my hours to 30 hours over 3 days which is just about manageable.
AIBU in thinking I shouldn’t be expected to contribute the exact same amount as him?
It will leave me with barely any disposable income and also I think the child maintenance I receive from my children’s father shouldn’t be taken into consideration when it comes to my income?

I just wanted a neutral opinion from people that don’t know either of us as my family say YANBU as do my friends.

Many thanks 😘

I pay for the food if he’s here, he pays if I’m at his.

But he's with you four or five nights a week!

He has a terrible temper. Enough of a reason not to live with him.

You'll be broke if you live with him. Another reason.

You'll have no security if you live with him. ANOTHER reason.

How many reasons do you want?

Short tempered men and young children is not a good mix.

Seriously, if he's hard to approach and has a temper I think you're mad to even contemplate being with him at all let alone live with him. It's one thing to make your own bed, quite another to make your kids lie in it too.

The more you post the more red flags are waving all over the place @yan79!

Sorry, I know this is not what you want to hear, but...

He wants you to contribute 50% to the bills which you've said is impossible.

He wants you to work full time, but again you've said this is impossible due to childcare.

You stand to lose over a grand in benefits by moving in with him. Has he offered to contribute to cover any of this shortfall? Nope, thought not.

You are giving up your independence and putting yourself and your children at risk of being homeless if you split up.

If you try and talk about things you say he's short-tempered, spits out his dummy and storms off for a couple of days.

Do you REALLY want to move in with him? What if you move in, have a row and he chucks you and DC out? That is a very strong possibility.

He doesn't sound kind, or considerate or with any of your best interests in mind.

You need to put your big girl pants on and have a VERY honest discussion about how and if this moves forward. You CANNOT afford to to move in with him on his terms.

Good luck, but I'm guessing he'll lose his rag and storm off. He CAN afford to do this on his own, he's already said that.

Short temper as in shouts easily or gets stressed. Not in a physical way x

Shouts easily..

Short temper as in shouts easily or gets stressed. Not in a physical way x

Do you really want him shouting at you in front of your DC? It is another form of abuse; it doesn't have to by physical.

I know someone who lived with a partner for ten years and came away with absolutely nothing despite contributing towards the house as they were not married and it was not worth pursuing legally because of costs.

I’ve been with my partner just short of a year
You’re in the honeymoon period.
So He’s not the most approachable of people when it comes to things like this and he’ll probably loose his shit. if this is true- run a fucking mile.
if we’ve argued in the past he generally spits the dummy out these are all reassuring signs that he’ll make sure you’re ok when you split up.....
You are off you’re rocker to give up your independence, own home and move your children in with a man you actually don’t know very well and whose description is sending red flags waving up like bunting.

Your rocker!! Doh!!

@GreenFingersWouldBeHandy
Yes he can afford this on his own. I just don’t know what I want anymore.
Obviously there have been a couple of concerns and that’s why I’ve posted on here. I wanted the opinions of people who didn’t know me and have no reason to back either one of us up and I’ve just had my eyes completely torn wide open

Shouts easily, great your kids will love this, perfect.

He is sounding worse and worse the more you write OP!
Please don't subject your poor DC to this full-time with no way out and no escape.
You are strong and totally independent right now.
Do NOT sabotage any of this for a MAN!
Especially one that is not at all worried about your finances.
That has anger issues.
And is an arrogant twat.
Find a mirror.
Really look at yourself.
Realise how well you have done and how far you have come.
Do not allow him to take all of that away from you!
The dynamic for your relationship is that he is controlling and you allow him to walk all over you (this is what I'm assuming from what you have written). He dictates and you do as you are told!
I hope I'm wrong on that.

Currently I pay out £1200 a month for my rent and bills but I get over £2200 living on my own as a single parent

But if he's staying with you several nights a week you're not technically a single parent and probably shouldn't be claiming. Certainly when he moves into your place whilst waiting for the new build to be finished you'll not likely be entitled to anything.

The idea of sending him a text with your concern and a wish to discuss it, is not bad. His reply will say it all..

Please stay put where you have housing and financial security for you and your children.

You could move in with him and end up with nothing, no savings etc and no claim on the house. You could be out on your arse.

Continue the relationship (if you must) but please don’t live with him, you are the one giving up so much and he just gaining from your contribution.

I really do feel for you OP and do hope you are seeing sense. If he makes you feel scared and you haven't even been together that long...then it is so bloody wrong. I agree with one of the PP wholeheartedly when they said it should be a partnership, not one person calling the shots, which he is.

As for the benefit situation; If he is financially contributing to food and covering bills for the time he is staying with you on those nights, then yes you could be considered to be committing benefit fraud.

Verbal abuse is still a thing, OP. I personally would hate to be shouted at by my partner

If we asked you to list the good things about him I'm sure would have a list but the most important things are; you're not on the mortgage, you will lose your benefits, he can throw you out, he has a temper and gets shouty, he wants things on his terms only, you will have to work more and still not earn enough

It's such a bad hand. If you're scared to tell him now imagine how scarier it'll be without your safety nets of money and a house you can close the door on & not have to see him

I can’t see that you are gaining anything, just losing a lot.

"I know someone who lived with a partner for ten years and came away with absolutely nothing despite contributing towards the house as they were not married and it was not worth pursuing legally because of costs."

^ this happened to me last year OP, but I was with him for 9 years. I came away with nothing except mine and my daughter's personal belongings, and bits of furniture.

If he’s here I buy the food, he doesn’t contribute financially to my house at all.
If I go to his he buys the food.
When he moves in here I was aware that I’d have to stop claiming x

HE doesn’t make me feel scared, not at all.
What I don’t like is that he’s not approachable and he over reacts to any arguments we may have x

So what will he contribute IF he moves in with you for a while?
£900 a month!???
Doubt it.
Please sort something out.
Work out exactly how much it will cost you in benefits etc... and tell him you need it all, for every week he is staying.
But.... You should NOT be giving up your benefits for this bloke.
He really is not worth it.
He cannot move in with you.
Simple as that!

Don’t do it!

You already know he is tight, selfish and bad tempered, AND you’re scared of him. It won’t get better.

We’re talking Superman’s cape here, red flag wise.

This ain’t love, it’s just hormones.

Please work on your self esteem, and think of your kids.

So as he's at yours far more than you're at his, he's eating your food and not contributing anything towards the utilities he uses. He must be saving a small fortune! That's not good.

Yeah he’s here on the days I have my kids as his house is too small for us three. When he has his son and my kids are at their dads I stay there.
He said he’ll contribute half when he lives here until we move out. Which will
Leave me with £650 a month for Visa card, kids activities, petrol, food, work parking, professional fees, dog, clothing etc etc etc