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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

AIBU new home

467 replies

yan79 · 24/04/2019 12:11

Hi, I’ve been with my partner just short of a year and we’re buying a house together. He’s actually buying it as my credit is less than perfect.
I’ve rented since separating from my ex husband 4 years ago.
I work part-time due to having young children and I receive a significant amount in universal credit and housing benefit.
He is classed as a high earner and has one child who he sees a few days a week. I have my children 5 days a week.

We got chatting about contribution to the new house and he expects me to contribute the exact same amount as him (he earns over 50k and at the moment I earn 14k)
I’m well aware that I’ll need to increase my hours when we live together but I’ll never ever earn as much as him. In fact when we live together I’ll loose nearly 1k a month in child benefit, universal credit and housing benefit which is fine as this was only ever a temporary measure while my children are young to help me get by and I always knew that I’d have to work more and not be reliant on these benefits.
I won’t be able to work full-time as childcare isn’t available to me to cover my unsocial hours so I’ve decided to increase my hours to 30 hours over 3 days which is just about manageable.
AIBU in thinking I shouldn’t be expected to contribute the exact same amount as him?
It will leave me with barely any disposable income and also I think the child maintenance I receive from my children’s father shouldn’t be taken into consideration when it comes to my income?

I just wanted a neutral opinion from people that don’t know either of us as my family say YANBU as do my friends.

Many thanks 😘

OP posts:
3luckystars · 27/04/2019 11:03

Sorry i just read your update. I'm so sorry but very glad for you that he has freed you.

Oblomov19 · 27/04/2019 11:04

You've been In an abusive relationship before? and clearly your guidelines are so skewed you're actually already in another abusive one without realising it!

are you getting married soon? please don't : you need help and counselling.

Greengreengrass19 · 27/04/2019 11:05

Far too soon if you have children.

QueenBeex · 27/04/2019 11:13

READ THE FULL THREAD, OP DOESNT NEED SHITTY COMMENTS THE RELATIONSHIP IS OVER

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 27/04/2019 11:23

Thanks for saying that, QueenBeex. It's just rude to reply to a thread you haven't read.

radgybadger · 27/04/2019 11:33

Sending hugs.... I truly believe you've done the right thing.

Your children are only small for a little while so struggling to do the school run and work more hours to essentially fund someone else's mortgage makes no sense.

I can almost guarantee he'll still buy the big house even though he doesn't 'need' it.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 27/04/2019 11:52

Yan

A lucky escape for you and in turn your children here who would have been further subjected to seeing their mother further being manipulated by him. That would have been no legacy to leave them.

Work on your own self a lot more than you have done to date; The Freedom Programme by Womens Aid is a must do for you now and I would do this in person rather than online.

What do you want to teach your kids about relationships?.

Look too at what you learnt about relationships to date when you were growing up; there could be a lot there that needs to be unpicked as well.

No relationships or even dating now until you have far higher and more consistent boundaries. Your boundaries, already skewed as they were by your previous relationship, made you far more vulnerable overall to the approaches made by this man. This now ex targeted you and deliberately because he saw something within you he can and tried to exploit further for his own ends.

SihtricsHorseWitnere · 27/04/2019 12:32

He wanted an equal partner and the op wanted to remain as she was re part time work and paying less.

No, actually he didn't or he would have found someone of similar means to buy a house with together, in both names, and legal agreement to ringfence and protect their respective deposits and share equity upon selling the property as they were both putting in 50/50. That would have been equal.

What he wanted was 50% of his mortgage paid by someone else but with no strings attached.

C0untDucku1a · 27/04/2019 12:33

Big hugs op. Sadly themore you posted, the clearer it was he was abusive. It is difficult to see the problems when we are so close to situations. If youre unsure always ask.

And if you have to paint someone in a good light for others to like them, or apply a filter, youre hidijg who they are.

Stay strong. He might try to ask you back after this. If you took him
Back, the threat if him throwing you out in future would be ised to keep you in line

SihtricsHorseWitnere · 27/04/2019 12:36

He may also come back with another offer so he won't have to pay full rent whilst 'his' house is being built and he can still find a way to worm you into subsidising his mortgage without any real rights. I really hope you stay strong and don't fall for it.

BumbleBeee69 · 27/04/2019 13:45

I'm glad you feel liberated OP, that's a good positive feeling my lovely Flowers

Honeyroar · 27/04/2019 17:09

I’m really sorry the way it’s worked out. I hope you’re ok.

It was bad enough that he’d set things up so that he was so comfortable and you would struggle, but to not even hear out your worries and to storm off says it all. A compromise could have been found if he’d tried. The shouting and stomping is not on.

WhoKnewBeefStew · 27/04/2019 19:19

Why does that only apply to men?

It doesn’t. I’m financially better off than my dh, and even before we got married I make sure that if something was to happen to me or us, he wouldn’t be left at a disadvantage

Grumpelstilskin · 27/04/2019 20:55

I know I was exasperated with you earlier in the thread but am still very sorry to hear that my suspicions and that of the great majority of other posters were right. I am so relieved for you though OP because you really have had a narrow escape. It is very unnerving how abusive types are so very similar and also react in such predictable ways. Good luck with your future. I reckon deep down you knew all of this but needed to voice it, to really see what this guy was like. And the relief is so familiar because as you look back on your time with him, you will see more and more how you walked on egg shells to appease him. You can relax again.

Lefty1 · 28/04/2019 19:19

How are you feeling op? Hope you are ok Flowers x

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 28/04/2019 19:35

Another voice enquiring after your welfare, yan79. How's it going?

pheonixrebirth · 02/05/2019 21:10

@lifebegins50 thank you so much. I only just saw your response as I'm not sure about how this all works!
I'm doing well now so to speak. I have a good part time job which I can progress in, especially when the kids get to a more suitable age! I have the usual money worries etc, but the biggest life changing thing is that I have a quality of life now that money just cannot buy. I'm not walking on eggshells and trying to prove what I'm worth. I think this is the biggest flag I could see in the OP posts. The temper and flaring up over trivial things.

I'm in another relationship now but it's so opposite, he can't get his head around my nerves and how I'm always trying to second guess or predict how he'll react to things. To say I'm conditioned is an understatement. I'm now just trying to be who I was originally but 20 years is a lot to unravel.

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