AIBU new home

[yan79]

Hi, I’ve been with my partner just short of a year and we’re buying a house together. He’s actually buying it as my credit is less than perfect.
I’ve rented since separating from my ex husband 4 years ago.
I work part-time due to having young children and I receive a significant amount in universal credit and housing benefit.
He is classed as a high earner and has one child who he sees a few days a week. I have my children 5 days a week.

We got chatting about contribution to the new house and he expects me to contribute the exact same amount as him (he earns over 50k and at the moment I earn 14k)
I’m well aware that I’ll need to increase my hours when we live together but I’ll never ever earn as much as him. In fact when we live together I’ll loose nearly 1k a month in child benefit, universal credit and housing benefit which is fine as this was only ever a temporary measure while my children are young to help me get by and I always knew that I’d have to work more and not be reliant on these benefits.
I won’t be able to work full-time as childcare isn’t available to me to cover my unsocial hours so I’ve decided to increase my hours to 30 hours over 3 days which is just about manageable.
AIBU in thinking I shouldn’t be expected to contribute the exact same amount as him?
It will leave me with barely any disposable income and also I think the child maintenance I receive from my children’s father shouldn’t be taken into consideration when it comes to my income?

I just wanted a neutral opinion from people that don’t know either of us as my family say YANBU as do my friends.

Many thanks 😘

You need to sit down and work out, between you both how it will work before you agree to anything.

Then you need to seek legal advice if you are thinking of contributing anything towards HIS house

Well to be honest I’d be telling him that under those circumstances you can’t afford to move in with him.

Total madness, you have know him for 5 minutes,he almost lives with you. You want to move in with him pay equal and be worse off.

6 months down the line you will be on here asking for advise about being trapped.
Stay in your own home, still see him and stay at his on occasions. Keep your children, money and independence

He said “that will never happen” he said he’d been in that kind of situation before and he’d been shafted by his ex.

This, right here, shows you EXACTLY who he is. You are jumping back into another abusive relationship. If you don't see that this is a MASSIVE red flag, you must have blinders on.

If you're gonna do it anyway, which it sounds like you are, then what do you want from mumsnet?

I really honestly hope not to see you back here in 18 months time saying "I've got a newborn and my partners being unfaithful (because he's got nothing to lose by screwing around so why shouldn't he) but I've got nowhere to go because he owns the house and all I'll get is child support"

You would be utterly stupid to move in with him given his offer. You will be the loser here in every respect. Even worse , you are placing your children in a very vulnerable position. Why would you do that.

Dont fool yourself- it is his house that you will paying off the mortgage to, no claim on it for you.

And you are placing your childrens stability on his word? Please dont be stupid.
Things could go south very quickly and you and your kids will be left in a terrible position.

You are rushing this- it's only a year and placing your wants over what's best for your kids.

Your OH is getting a mortgage in soley his name, which means he can afford to pay for all of it (he wouldn't have been approved otherwise). Asking you to pay half, knowing what a struggle it is, seems like a bad sign to me. My DH earns literally 10 times more than I have ever earnt and never once has he expected to me pay more than I could afford, or made me feel guilty for not doing so.

At this point, I think you could say that you want to buy with him but unless your name is on the mortgage and you have the same legal rights to the house as him, you can't go ahead because you have to think about what's best for your children.

I'm sorry, but from what you've said, he sounds controlling. It's all on his terms. The location of no good for your school run or work commute. He's having a house built so he has determined the cost, refuses to pay more than you, but hasn't bothered to make sure the costs are affordable for you. I just couldn't be comfortable with what he's asking.

So he doesn’t trust you, hence the insistence on you paying half (‘that’ll never happen, shafted by an ex’), but he expects you to give up you and your children’s security, pay half towards a house you don’t own - and just trust him that it’ll be okay!?!?!?

He is asking you to pay half knowing full well the disparity in your salary . How foolish can you be to not see that you are the loser in this situation?

I don’t know what I’m going to do 🤔 I wanted advice (which I’ve got) and you’re all saying pretty much the same.
I’ve got a massive decision to make and I really do appreciate all of this advice.
There certainly won’t be any babies so I most definitely won’t be saying that.
But as I said, I know have some real hard thinking to do x

I seriously wouldn't move in with him. You'll lose all your financial independence (benefits etc). Apart from that if the house is his name only there's nothing to stop him chucking you out at any point and you'd be left with nothing. I'd wait until the kids are older and you're able to work full time then get a mortgage together. But I think even then if he's expecting you to pay 50/50 when there is a massive imbalance in incomes is off.

OP, were the answers you got here what you were expecting?

I think the whole thing sounds like a mess. You are prepared to uproot your children, pull then out of their schools and make them live with a man you have known less than a year. You will have no financial security. You absolutely can find childcare at 8 am, lots of people use it, but seem not to want to explore this.
Additionally, the man in question is not a high earner- didn't you say he earns 50k? Because 50k won't go far on a big mortgage, maintenance to his child and then covering life and general outgoings for himself, you and your children.

Don't pick this life because you think it will get you out of the situation you are in currently.

Actually it's clear what you are going to do. You're going to go back to him with what we've said here, hes going to 'give you his word' and knowing how desperate you are for him, you are going to ignore everything and move in with him.

I'm also betting ot won't be 50/50 on the cooking and housework either.

When you try to talk to him he fobs you off. That's not good enough. He is dodging around to avoid having to give proper answers. Yet another red flag.

Will he be paying half of your bills whilst his new house gets built or is they excuse going to be he needs the money for the build costs.

Whatever you do, just don't be daft enough to get pregnant and dependant on this man.

He said “that will never happen” he said he’d been in that kind of situation before and he’d been shafted by his ex.

So now he's going to shaft you. You'll be paying half his mortgage and half the bills while he sets himself up with a nice nest egg with all the extra cash he can save. It gets worse.

OP you say he is with you 4-5 days a week. Do you realise this could put your benefits in jeopardy?

You may not think it at the moment OP but you are in a pretty good position to stay put. Do not move in with this man. It is absolutely ludicrous that he expects 50:50 when your salaries are wildly different.

I haven't read the whole thread op but wanted to say that dh moved in with me & my dc 10 years ago. He earns 40k, I earn 10k He has never once questioned what I contribute, we live in a house that his hard work has paid for and he'd literally spend his last penny on me and the dc.

It’s a shame you didn’t have the conversation about actual numbers before. ’We’ll be alright’ is meaningless.

I think you should tell him the truth ie you can’t afford it.

Sounds like you lose a lot and he gains the ability to kick you out whenever he wants...

Actually, I get why he wants OP to pay a higher amount. She is bringing children into the equation so her element of costs will be higher. If the £900 is to cover house and all bills, how does that compare to OP's costs at the moment? There might not be a significant difference.

Whatever, OP isn't in a position to do this. This situation can't work for her. She'll seriously lose out financially, her children will be uprooted, she has to work more hours and find different childcare. She has to pay down her debt before she's in a position to take on additional costs. When you add in that this relationship is so new - it's just madness.

I met my husband 10 years ago. I had 2 small children. Rented flat, huge bank loan, and i studied. Really low income. He bought a house for us, cleared my bank loan and married me. I still dont make half the money he does.( I did, however, accomplished the most expencive drivers license a few years ago we always shared all. Think hard how much he loves you with his attitude. You might love him. But he does not love you enough..

@notSuchASmug
Not at all...absolutely not. I feel sick 🤢

@Nnnnnineteen
I’ve tried to find childcare around here in the past and it’s impossible. Kids both at separate schools so childminders won’t do a split run and they start later than I need. Breakfast club only runs for my younger one and doesn’t start until 745 which would leave me 15 mins to do an hours journey.

I meant higher earner from a tax contribution respect and me not being able to claim child benefit as he earns too much.

@whatsnewpussyhat

Yes, he’ll pay half living here

@oldbutstillgotit

No, I didn’t 😟

And when one partner earns more than the other, it's only fair and common sense to pay according to ability. A 50/50 split is bad for you, unfair & puts you in a worse position than before. He really has you where he wants you, doesn't he