AIBU new home

[yan79]

Hi, I’ve been with my partner just short of a year and we’re buying a house together. He’s actually buying it as my credit is less than perfect.
I’ve rented since separating from my ex husband 4 years ago.
I work part-time due to having young children and I receive a significant amount in universal credit and housing benefit.
He is classed as a high earner and has one child who he sees a few days a week. I have my children 5 days a week.

We got chatting about contribution to the new house and he expects me to contribute the exact same amount as him (he earns over 50k and at the moment I earn 14k)
I’m well aware that I’ll need to increase my hours when we live together but I’ll never ever earn as much as him. In fact when we live together I’ll loose nearly 1k a month in child benefit, universal credit and housing benefit which is fine as this was only ever a temporary measure while my children are young to help me get by and I always knew that I’d have to work more and not be reliant on these benefits.
I won’t be able to work full-time as childcare isn’t available to me to cover my unsocial hours so I’ve decided to increase my hours to 30 hours over 3 days which is just about manageable.
AIBU in thinking I shouldn’t be expected to contribute the exact same amount as him?
It will leave me with barely any disposable income and also I think the child maintenance I receive from my children’s father shouldn’t be taken into consideration when it comes to my income?

I just wanted a neutral opinion from people that don’t know either of us as my family say YANBU as do my friends.

Many thanks 😘

And I am sure that he will come back when he has cooled off and try to sweeten the deal. Be wary, be warned, he will try to take advantage of your affection for him, your desire for a relationship and your kindness as a person

I'm genuinely gutted for you! BUT I'm so proud of you for biting the bullet and having the conversation- if you can call it that!
Just for context, I was with my xf for nearly 20 years, we had 3 dc, had a very traditional man/wife set up, he worked I was sahm. Not completely by choice but got told that childcare was my problem if I wanted to work. We basically fell out of love and we both agreed that there was no blame- just one of those things. Over the last 20 years his earnings went up massively and he also inherited a massive amount of money (nearly half a million) and a house. He said 'don't worry' he would make sure me and the kids were fine.
Guess what, I'm now on my arse! He has given me Sweet F A. I have no rights what so ever. This is a position I would not wish on my worst enemy. I was a fool and it hurts even more to realise in hindsight that he absolutely knew what he was doing all along.

It might not feel like it right now but you have done the best thing ever by listening to your gut💐👍

I have...most of you were correct. I’m gutted but I feel liberated x

Sending you a big virtual hug, you strong woman x

Thanks all x

I've just read this entire thread. I know you'll be gutted right now, but my god I'm so relieved for you and your kids. This was not the right man for your family. I doubt this will be the end of things, he'll pop up again, so please be strong. This is not how good relationships work. Please find some counselling and focus on rebuilding yourself.

@pheonixrebirth, I am so sorry, that is awful. I just hope you have good luck so can rebuild your life.
As you say, the fact that they knew what they were doing is the shocker, women can be so blinkered when they are in love. You have to be hard nosed when dealing with money.

OP, he knew you couldn't afford the house, that would have been obvious (even to outsiders) so any "guilt" you feel is completely undeserved.

Someone who loves you and cares for your best interests will recognise and understand that you need security - especially after what you have been through - rather than try to paint you in a corner and take advantage.

He does not truly love or care for you. He thought he had found the perfect little setup, a woman with a family who earns far less than him who can give everything up for him & he won't have to really contribute. He pulled the wool over your eyes and well done for getting that off

I know you'll probably feel bad about missing out on a holiday. Better things will be on their way!

Sorry this has happened op, but I think you dodged a bullet

If he loved you, he’d want to see you financially looked after.

You're a hero OP. You can now look forward to a bright future retaining your independence and one day a decent man, when you're ready.

If he loved you, he’d want to see you financially looked after

Why does that only apply to men?

It sounds better that it's ended now as both have different expectations. He wanted an equal partner and the op wanted to remain as she was re part time work and paying less. Better they discover that now than before the house sale completed.

Likely better for the children too as the relationship has moved way too fast when there are children involved.

I’m so sorry yan39

I bet you’re gutted but this was absolutely the right decision. This man reassured you that he would make sure you would be ok financially if anything went wrong. His reaction indicates that would not have been true 💐💐

I'm so sorry OP. I really hoped he'd prove us all wrong and step up.

His reaction should've been to reassure you, help you, work things out, find solutions. He's shown you who he is now. Better to find out now that when it's too late.

You sound lovely. But be aware of those red flags. You reserve better

Well done.
Stay strong x

OP don't be sad. You are a winner in this situation. He would have had no problem treating you like 10 years down the line. Keep strong and be kind to yourself. 🌸

He didn't though Icecream. Or he would have said

'oh of course you need to have some financial security in case we split up. I've been a fool not to think of it myself as I work in finance'

Then they would have had a talk and chosen one of the ways that this could be achieved.

This thread is a prime example of why I love mumsnet. Thanks to the savvy posters giving the OP steer. I too felt massive relief when he dipped off. His behaviour was really worrying alone let taking things to the next step. Well done OP , something in your gut was telling you things weren’t right and that’s why you started the thread.
I do echo what others have said about doing the freedom programme and reading up a bit on the tactics of emotional abuse.
Going in a strop and not talking to you is known as stonewalling , it’s
to make you feel scared/wary to challenge him as the repercussions are not pleasant. Him losing his temper quickly again is done as a control tactic to ensure you don’t “step out of line”. Arguing once a month is not normal for a relationship a year old .
There’s a book called “why does he do that” by Lundy Bancroft, I think you’ll find it informative. Also there’s an audio book called Bad Boyfriends by Jeb Kinnison. Another informative read.
Well done again for dodging this chancer x

OP it may not feel like it now but you have absolutely done the right thing by attempting to have a conversation with him about your worries. The fact hes left shows that the relationship was never going to work once you lived together anyway, especially from the way he treats you and doesn't actually hear you out! It's better this happened now whilst you're still independent instead of in 10 years time. You will find someone who deserves you, unfortunately that wasn't him! You done the right thing for yourself & your children and you should be proud of that, you'll be okay again

Reading the thread I was really, really hoping for your sake OP that he might turn out to not be a shit after all and I'm so sorry that's what's happened. I know it probably doesn't feel like it now, but you've had a lucky escape. The fact that he wouldn't even allow you to speak before shouting says it all and it would've only got worse once you were under his roof and by then you'd have sacrificed your financial security. Be kind to yourself while you deal with the fallout.

lucky escape

How can you even consider this?

Read the thread, burntprop.

No wonder you are in debt, you are far too trusting and kind.

Juat say, 'I would be insane to lose all the credits for the children and give up my home and have no stake in this house. Either we get married or I'm not moving. I need to think of my children. We can stay together in seperate houses, or get married and move in together.'

Good luck. Take your time.

You are making a big mistake. Everyone on this thread is telling you so. Why a man who earns so much more than you would ask you to contribute half is questionable in the first place. he is clearly not the man you think he is, not such a nice man. you should see a solicitor and get it sorted, and get your name on the mortgage and also you should get your name on the deeds.

you know all these things. really you should be questioning the whole relationship.

Getting married despite dating for less than a year when there are children involved is madness. If two adults want to dive in head first that's fine but when there are children they should always come first. Most people don't even introduce a new partner until after six months/year let alone move in with them.