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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

AIBU new home

467 replies

yan79 · 24/04/2019 12:11

Hi, I’ve been with my partner just short of a year and we’re buying a house together. He’s actually buying it as my credit is less than perfect.
I’ve rented since separating from my ex husband 4 years ago.
I work part-time due to having young children and I receive a significant amount in universal credit and housing benefit.
He is classed as a high earner and has one child who he sees a few days a week. I have my children 5 days a week.

We got chatting about contribution to the new house and he expects me to contribute the exact same amount as him (he earns over 50k and at the moment I earn 14k)
I’m well aware that I’ll need to increase my hours when we live together but I’ll never ever earn as much as him. In fact when we live together I’ll loose nearly 1k a month in child benefit, universal credit and housing benefit which is fine as this was only ever a temporary measure while my children are young to help me get by and I always knew that I’d have to work more and not be reliant on these benefits.
I won’t be able to work full-time as childcare isn’t available to me to cover my unsocial hours so I’ve decided to increase my hours to 30 hours over 3 days which is just about manageable.
AIBU in thinking I shouldn’t be expected to contribute the exact same amount as him?
It will leave me with barely any disposable income and also I think the child maintenance I receive from my children’s father shouldn’t be taken into consideration when it comes to my income?

I just wanted a neutral opinion from people that don’t know either of us as my family say YANBU as do my friends.

Many thanks 😘

OP posts:
ifounditongoogle · 26/04/2019 12:59

What happened op? Are you ok ?

Original poster
yan79 · 26/04/2019 13:03

Exactly what I thought would happen. I told him I couldn’t afford it and I needed some security. He wouldn’t let me finish my sentence, shouted and left. Called me today and called me a liar and said that I’d led him up the garden path and it was over and I should leave his things for him to collect

OP posts:
Dirtybadger · 26/04/2019 13:07

Wow what an absolute bell end. It wasnaive not to discuss finances. But HE didn't discuss them either. Until HE had already made financial commitments. He is probably angry at himself because that was a bit dumb.

Hope you're okay OP (as okay as you can be) Flowers

Littleduckeggblue · 26/04/2019 13:08

Sorry to hear this.
But at least you found out his true colours before you gave up your house and money for him.

churchthecat · 26/04/2019 13:12

Wow. What a cunt.

Thank god you found out about this now. Imagine if you'd given up your home and benefits?

churchthecat · 26/04/2019 13:13

I bet that's not the last you'll hear from him.

Dickensnovel · 26/04/2019 13:13

You have just had a lucky escape! I know it hurts, but you really have been lucky to figure this out now.

SignedUpJust4This · 26/04/2019 13:16

He knew exactly what he was doing OP. He works in finance. He wanted you to shoulder all the risk to move in with him, be his housekeeper and help him pay his mortgage - knowing full well you'd be trapped. Someone who genuinely loves you doesn't do that to you. You've dodged a bullet.

Ellisandra · 26/04/2019 13:21

Much as it hurts, I’m glad that was the outcome rather than false promises and lies from him.

Good work listening to to your instincts Flowers

Please use it as a lesson though - it was ridiculous to move in with someone you’ve known less than a year, with kids involved, even without the almighty financial fuck up!

RubberTreePlant · 26/04/2019 13:22

Isn't it two weeks notice to get a lodger out?

Legally, no notice at all.

Lodgers are technically homeless as they have no right to stay in their own home tonight.

RubberTreePlant · 26/04/2019 13:23

Lucky escape OP Thanks

ifounditongoogle · 26/04/2019 13:25

Oh dear. If you can't discuss something as important as how you will afford a mortgage and your future, then the relationship would have ended anyway. The love you feel now would have worn away by the financial strain you'd have been under, then you'd have ended up in the same situation you're in now but with no where to live.

Sorry he's turned out like this. I think it's better you know now though. Thanks

SihtricsHorseWitnere · 26/04/2019 13:33

What SignedUp said. Please just STOP dating until you get some serious counselling and do the Freedom Programme. This all happened way to fast and if you hadn't gone with your gut and posted on here you could have utterly and completely financially fucked your children and you, not to mention subjecting them to a man who has a short temper and didn't really want to tolerate them.

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 26/04/2019 13:36

God, yan79, I bet you're glad you started this thread now. If you hadn't you'd still be blithely on track to financial exploitation, and following a course that would make yourself and your DC extremely vulnerable.

You have seriously dodged a bullet. The fact that he didn't even let you finish your sentence shows that he knew exactly what he was doing, him and his job in the financial sector. He knew there was nothing to discuss - at least nothing that would answer your legitimate questions.

I imagine you're feeling very hurt. I'd be heartbroken - you thought you'd found someone very special. But the misery you've spared yourself and your DC are well worth it.

YesimstillwatchingNetflix · 26/04/2019 13:37

@yan79 Thanks

What a nasty man. It must feel horrible today but you will look back on this and be so glad you didn't throw your lot in with this person.

Keep giving your children the gift of an independent mother and a safe home.

SihtricsHorseWitnere · 26/04/2019 13:41

He shut you down because his little plan to have a live in housekeeper and sex on tap plus pay 50% of his mortgage didn't work out. He had all the hallmarks of a potentially emotionally and financially abusive person - moving way too fast, a 'controlling' ex who 'shafted' him, short temper, minimiser, shut down discussion, shouty . . .

You still have poor boundaries and need to work on those for your own sake as well as that of your children.

sunshinesupermum · 26/04/2019 13:43

Bastard. Brave of you and now you've seen his true colours you know what a mistake it would be to continue this relationship. Flowers

hellsbellsmelons · 26/04/2019 13:50

I know it hurts OP but I'm breathing a huge sigh of relief here!
You've dodged a bullet there.
Always maintain your independence.
You listened to your gut and it was right.
Never doubt yourself!

YesimstillwatchingNetflix · 26/04/2019 13:55

I agree with PPs it's very clear that he knew exactly what he was doing and he is infuriated that you've slipped his hook at the last minute.

He would have dropped the mask anyway, as soon as he had you where he wanted you.

SignedUpJust4This · 26/04/2019 14:06

I strongly advise you stay single for a while or get some counselling to find out why you were so ready to compromise your whole future for someone who showed you such little respect. This isn't a dig at you. It's easy to get swept away by a charmer but if someone is really a loving partner they would want you to be certain and secure. They wouldn't lose their temper with you for being a good mother and questioning where this might leave you and your children should the worst happen.

Notcoolmum · 26/04/2019 14:08

So,sorry to hear he reacts like that OP. If he loved yiu and yiur children he'd have want d to work with you to find a solution 💐

whattheactualfuckery · 26/04/2019 14:28

What a manipulative control freak, he spat his dummy finally realising you weren't having it Thanks

Doidontimmm · 26/04/2019 14:30

So sorry OP, I hope you are ok Flowers

Dragongirl10 · 26/04/2019 14:34

Op l am so sorry it is shit behavior from him, but at least you still have your own home and payments coming in...

If you had already moved in you would have nothing to fall back on..

SilverySurfer · 26/04/2019 14:43

What a shit he turned out to be. This is the same person you were convinced would have treated you right had you decided to split in the future. You and the children would have been kicked out of the house without a second thought.

I'm sorry, you must be hurting but also must feel good to know you've done the right thing for you and your children. Put his stuff in bin bags and text him to collect by a date/time then put outside your door at the allotted time.

I hope you now take some time out to learn the lessons from this relationship and wish you all the best for the future Flowers