AIBU new home

[yan79]

Hi, I’ve been with my partner just short of a year and we’re buying a house together. He’s actually buying it as my credit is less than perfect.
I’ve rented since separating from my ex husband 4 years ago.
I work part-time due to having young children and I receive a significant amount in universal credit and housing benefit.
He is classed as a high earner and has one child who he sees a few days a week. I have my children 5 days a week.

We got chatting about contribution to the new house and he expects me to contribute the exact same amount as him (he earns over 50k and at the moment I earn 14k)
I’m well aware that I’ll need to increase my hours when we live together but I’ll never ever earn as much as him. In fact when we live together I’ll loose nearly 1k a month in child benefit, universal credit and housing benefit which is fine as this was only ever a temporary measure while my children are young to help me get by and I always knew that I’d have to work more and not be reliant on these benefits.
I won’t be able to work full-time as childcare isn’t available to me to cover my unsocial hours so I’ve decided to increase my hours to 30 hours over 3 days which is just about manageable.
AIBU in thinking I shouldn’t be expected to contribute the exact same amount as him?
It will leave me with barely any disposable income and also I think the child maintenance I receive from my children’s father shouldn’t be taken into consideration when it comes to my income?

I just wanted a neutral opinion from people that don’t know either of us as my family say YANBU as do my friends.

Many thanks 😘

He's not a shit, but you're scared to talk to him because he has a short temper, shouts, and is unreasonable. Yeah, ok.

@putthatlampshadeonyourhead
Yes that’s what I’m worried about too. I don’t want him to think that. I will speak to him tonight

If he is buying the house in his name only, then legally it is his house solely
If you move in, you will still be 2 single people
Legally, even if you pay rent & bills, you will have no legal right to the property
Unless you are married or you sign the mortgage & house deeds
There is no such thing, as common law wife
You will remain, 2 single people

@putthatlampshadeonyourhead

Take away all that and he’s a man that I love, that makes me laugh, that’s bright, holds great conversation, is good with my kids, is supportive, and I find him attractive, he has good morals, he’s proper and he looks after himself.

I don’t feel like I rushed introducing him to the kids but yes, we’ve rushed into planning on living together, I agree. As I’ve said it was initially because we thought it’d be easier to see each other and spend more time as a family

OK, OP you really are blinkered and your thread is frustrating to read. You actually know that he isn't the great guy you pretend he is. No healthy relationship or decent guy would split over raising an important issue about the house and finances. I am out and stopped giving a shit when you are more worried about a holiday then the future of your children. How sad some women are over a cock!

But he isnt good with your kids.

They annoy him and it causes problems. That will be worse when they live in his house and he is paying most of the Bills. That will become a huge irritation

Good morals? Really, pushing you into this position.

Supportive? But only when it suits. If he wa supportive you would be able to discuss this with him, without believing he will end the relationship. Even if he doesnt kick off, the fact that you expect him to be so awful about it, shows he isnt supportive.

You fancy him and can hold a converstation. That's great. That's not a great relationship when you throw in the other stuff. Especially his temper.

I don't know what 'he's proper' means. But your list is a fantasy. Its not actually true.

Hi Op i completely agree with @Happynow
You came here to ask for advice and actually got far more than you were expecting primarily because neither you or your partner have properly sat down and talked about things there doesn't seem to be total honesty about finances you haven't disclosed your full debt plus
he doesn't want to get shafted again whatever that means

what is absolutely clear to pretty much all the posters on here is that you're making a mistake this is too much too soon in a new relationship you are going to fast and you are going to be seriously disadvantaged which will affect you and your children

I also just want to point out I have sympathy for why you're upset with posters opinions of your partner but to be fair you were the one that called him Disney Dad which to a lot of us just means a dad that doesn't Step Up except to do all the nice stuff , you also admit you do a lot of his childcare
You know him better than us but we can only go by what you tell us and the experience we bring when we hear these comments both personally and professionally is why we share our concerns
you have told us he isnt that approachable and loses his shit easily..please don't ignore these red flags, just because he is lovely the rest of the time many posters will tell you men can maintain the facade of being a wonderful partner with only the occasional blips such as you describe until such times as they don't feel they need to anymore and that's when the problem starts and you are stuck with two children in a house you don't have any claim on
You will have no money or security if you proceed in these circumstances

you are going too fast too soon
If you can't get him to realise that and come up with a better solution....better get out now whilst you have your own security before you are stuck trapped and unable to get out

OP Despite DV, debt and bad credit you have achieved something amazing- you are a financially independent woman who is providing for her children and showing them that she can take care of them without a man. Bloody well done, you should be proud.

Do not throw this away for a boyfriend of less than one year.

Do not jeopardise a secure living situation, income and routine. It could all go spectacularly wrong and leave you all so vulnerable.

You have come from a violent relationship and this clouds your view of him a little. Walking on eggshells around someone, being unable to have serious conversations about things that affect you and your children, having a short fuse and a 'chip on his shoulder' are all massive red flags of the beginning of a coercive or emotionally abusive relationship, if not a physically abusive one. And what would you do if it all went wrong? What would you be left with?

He has made a verbal assurance to 'look out for you' if it went wrong. This is worth nothing. If it went wrong he would look out for himself and his disabled child- not his ex girlfriend who by that stage he will probably resent or blame in some way. He will not weaken his financial position (that he is using his superior expertise to protect from you as we speak) for your benefit. He will prioritise himself and his child.

It's hard because you've both let this house thing get very far down the road without discussing how it would be funded. Just own that, say to him 'listen, we both should have addressed the financial and logistical aspects of this earlier- but here we are. we need to discuss it now. I cannot afford to go 50/50 on the mortgage and expenses of this house, I wouldn't have agreed to it if we'd discussed it at the start. We both made assumptions about how this would be funded, and it's got us in a bind. What are our options now?'

You say you love him
But you have not disclosed to him, how much you are in debt. You have not been truthful
You will be moving into his house & paying some of his bills. He can kick you out after 1, 5,10,20 years & you will have nothing
Perhaps, you should say to him, that the relationship has been moving too fast & you will not live with him until you are married
If you move in, you will be giving up your independance !

@Carblover
Disney dad?! I don’t even know what that means and I never said that

@Carblover I don’t do any of his childcare...I don’t know where you’ve got this info from

Yeah if I were him I'd be pissed off that you were spending all his money in New York and come back with shopping bags and landed him with all this new stuff.

You have to do it before. At least then you can say you didnt want him to be out of pocket on New York if it was a deal breaker for him. But that you have deal breakers too.

As I’ve said it was initially because we thought it’d be easier to see each other and spend more time as a family

You're not a family, he's a man you've known a year.

don’t want to bring it up before as I think he’ll react badly. I think it will be the end of our relationship

If your relationship is that unstable that a bit of honest straight talking ends it then there is no way it's solid enough to introduce your kids and buy a house. No way.

OP sincere apologies for Disney dad comment was another thread ...
Stand by the rest though

I really sympathise with you OP. You came out of an abusive situation and have worked hard to get on your feet.

Like most of us you want a relationship and this sounds like an improvement from domestic violence. You have done so much and come so far to provide for your kids and yourself.

But do you want to give a lot of it up so fast? It hasn't been a year and despite the mortgage payment sharing you will not have joint finances. You will not yet be a family - he has made it clear that you pay half to live under his roof.

Be proud of what you have lived through and the determination you have had to survive so far. You are obviously a kind and giving person but this is giving so much so soon. As people have said - he can kick you out. Courts will not recognise your contribution.

Whether you talk before or after New York, you need to have a conversation. You have fought with him often and you really don't know how he will react to your concerns.

So much of this is giving this man power over you. It's on his terms, not yours. Do you want to be living like that in 5, 10 years?

Right now you are on the edge of a precipice. Learn the lessons of your very painful past - you need ways out and backup plans. Moving in like this will ensure you have none. You and your kids could be trapped.

You don't want to think like this and doubt this man but honestly, it has only been months. Neither of you know each other to your fullest extent

Please please put yourself and your kids first

And nothing you have described about him is something rare that you will never find again. Plenty of men out there have steady jobs, are educated, like giving gifts and going on trips and have a sense of humour. It might seem like he's the only one on earth right now for you but all of these things are aspects of plenty of men! And most won't shout

If he owns the house, then you shouldn't be paying half the mortgage, regardless of your income. You should be paying half the market rent rate for a place of that size in the area. Because you do not own a brick.

If you were actually going to be living 'as a family' then your name would be on the house, you'd pool your income, assets and debt and you would make big decisions together. That's not what this is.

There is actually a very simple solution to all this. Although rather old fashioned.. it's called marriage !

If he really is someone you trust (and he trusts) , that you believe is the one for you and equally vice versa - then why all This handwringing about house ownership and finances? If he is 'committed enough ' for you to share his home - then he is committed enough for marriage.

He's reaction to this requirement that would protect your position. Will tell you all you need to know . !

Oh jeez... He's not painting himself in a good light.

Gut reaction is to pool all finances and have name on deeds or you only contribute to household bills and not the mortgage!

”I don’t need his money”

Says the OP who started a thread because she wants him to pay more than her

@smallereveryday I find myself agreeing with you. If you're not ready to get married then you're not ready to move your children in, contribute to the mortgage of a house you have no claim to or give up your financial independence.

@Ellisandra no, I don’t. If I do live with him I’ll be financially dependent on him and this is absolutely not what I want

@yan79 I think that's what @Ellisandra is saying- if you go through with this plan- you will need his money because you'll have forfeited other forms of income as well as your place to live. You will be financially dependent on him. Are you ok with that? Is he? Have you discussed it?

If raising these concerns leads him to end the relationship then the relationship is not what you think it is. If you are too scared to do this then the relationship is not what you think it is.

You need to bite the bullet and discuss it tonight.