AIBU new home

[yan79]

Hi, I’ve been with my partner just short of a year and we’re buying a house together. He’s actually buying it as my credit is less than perfect.
I’ve rented since separating from my ex husband 4 years ago.
I work part-time due to having young children and I receive a significant amount in universal credit and housing benefit.
He is classed as a high earner and has one child who he sees a few days a week. I have my children 5 days a week.

We got chatting about contribution to the new house and he expects me to contribute the exact same amount as him (he earns over 50k and at the moment I earn 14k)
I’m well aware that I’ll need to increase my hours when we live together but I’ll never ever earn as much as him. In fact when we live together I’ll loose nearly 1k a month in child benefit, universal credit and housing benefit which is fine as this was only ever a temporary measure while my children are young to help me get by and I always knew that I’d have to work more and not be reliant on these benefits.
I won’t be able to work full-time as childcare isn’t available to me to cover my unsocial hours so I’ve decided to increase my hours to 30 hours over 3 days which is just about manageable.
AIBU in thinking I shouldn’t be expected to contribute the exact same amount as him?
It will leave me with barely any disposable income and also I think the child maintenance I receive from my children’s father shouldn’t be taken into consideration when it comes to my income?

I just wanted a neutral opinion from people that don’t know either of us as my family say YANBU as do my friends.

Many thanks 😘

If you still want to go for it, your new house won't be ready until Oct-Feb. That gives you time to try living with the money you will have to live on if you go ahead. Work out what you will have to live off and see if you can do it for a few months. Keep a spreadsheet. Use the 'extra' money to pay off your debts. Tell him this is what you are doing to see if you can make it work. If after a couple of months it isn't working then you can show him your concerns with the data to back it up and renegotiate. That way you have shown you have tried but it just won't work. If he won't adjust then he is maybe not as understanding as you thought.

He will effectively be your landlord if the mortgage is in his name. If you have a private landlord at the moment you are essentially doing the same now. You can always look at adding your name to the mortgage later on.

Yes there are some red flags and you have your kids to think about but I moved in with my now hubby after 8 months and 10 years later we are still together. I have friends that waited years to move in with each other and were separated within a few months. Time isn't everything!

Trying to add a bit of positivity to a rather negative response op!

If I do live with him I’ll be financially dependent on him and this is absolutely not what I want

Then why are you moving in with him?

Yes there are some red flags and you have your kids to think about but I moved in with my now hubby after 8 months and 10 years later we are still together.

How many kids?

OP you know that you will be financially dependent on him if you live with him and you said you DON'T want that

So it's simple: don't. Keep your current place, don't displace your kids and throw them in a living situation not of their choosing (have you even ASKED them if they want this?), save those 12 extra work hours a week (which I assume are with the kids/relaxing/keeping on top of things).

Be as self sufficient as you are now. If the man is any good then he will understand that you don't want to make such a huge, life altering commitment yet. But you do want to in the future, he knows that

If saying so is the end of the relationship, then this man isn't worth it. It's not meant to be. He's not all you thought he was cracked up to be. But most importantly, you are in charge of your life and how you live, not him

It would seem you have a potentially difficult discussion ahead of you. I wish you luck with that.

Just wanted to tell you about my situation. My partner has recently moved in with myself and my 3 older children. It is my house, in my sole name which I bought myself after my divorce 8 years ago,

He pays nothing towards my mortgage each month and roughly 1/3 of the essential bills. We split shopping equally and I make sure all items bought for my children (even packed lunches) are paid for by me.

We do plan in the future to remortgage and both be on the mortgage and then he will pay 50:50, but still only 1/3 towards the utilities as it is my responsibility I feel to pay my children’s share, but an agreement will need to be drawn up to take into consideration the equity at this point that would remain mine for the 8 years I have paid the mortgage plus the deposit I put down. I should add I earn slightly more than him and he tends to buy treats we don’t really need with his disposable income, so in that respect our situation is less complicated than yours.

However the conversation we had about money has been a calm one and way before the actual move in and I was never in any doubt that my partner would be angry, or spit his dummy out, or walk away.

He is 100% happy with the situation (in fact he wants to contribute more) and I have always said if he wants to use his potential future mortgage contribution buying a rental property instead as an investment for him alone then I am happy for him to do so and keep things the way they are.

I do believe that you should be paying a proportional amount based on your earnings after you lose your benefits. I think that is fair. What is the point in you moving into a house you don’t have any claim over that will make you financially worse off and working longer hours in which to do so?

Good luck

Op you really need to take control. You did well leaving one abusive relationship but you haven't continued by sorting out your own feelings and boundaries. You seem to have a lot of guilt and a lack of self worth.

First get legal and benefit advice. Probably swiftly followed by him "staying over" a lot less. And tell him bluntly why.

You need to discuss money - got out for a coffee without the kids if you think you will get distracted. Have a list (I have done this with my DH when we had serious issues to discuss). Tell him about your debt, and how reliant you are on the benefits you receive.
More relationships end over money than cheating.

Rebuild your boundaries, look at the Freedom course, if you can get some counselling.
Is there anything from growing up which made you vulnerable to attracting abusive men or gave you weak boundaries?
Why did you introduce your children so fast? A couple of months is not long?
Not all abuse is physical. And if you can be controlled by sulking then why would someone get physical?

Jesus wept! What EddyF wrote. You sound like a lovestruck teenager.

You don't even know this man, you're in the honeymoon phase, he's got more red flags than a Maoist conference and yet you are still considering completely altering your life and your children's life to all your detriment and desperate to hang onto this relationship.

There are threads on here about how sad it is that some kids don't get to holiday abroad, or don't have a garden, but this is what's sad: kids who have parents who put their desire for a relationship before their well-being and security.

Cock goggles, indeed.

It's unfuckingbelievable that you have effectively moved in some guy with your kids after the dating equivalent for 5 minutes or that you are even thinking of moving your kids into his house or him and risking the roof over their heads and the food in their bellies so you can shack up with some bloke.

SMH.

Give yourself a shake, grow up and put your kids first.

op I just want to say I hope you make the right decision for you and your children. . You’ve overcome so much and you’re financially independent so I hope you remember that you’re strong!

Also before you do anything I hope you seek independent legal advice alone! Without your partner. At least then you have the facts and can make an informed decision.

You are afraid to talk to him. That says all I need to know about your relationship OP.

He shuts you down when you try to talk to him: 'It'll be fine' 'That'll never happen'. You stand to lose all financial security by moving in with him (and your kids). You haven't known him very long at all and have already practically moved him in. Get real! Grow up and put your kids first, put the brakes on this relationship. So he sold his house, he can buy another one and get a lodger.

This is a terrible idea. For heaven's sake you're thinking of giving away your independence and your DC's home.

This is a terrible idea. For heaven's sake you're thinking of giving away your independence and your DC's home.

To be a lodger.

Isn't it two weeks notice to get a lodger out?

Hope you're OK OP

@Teedeepie is spot on as to how it should be done.

I'm moving in with dp end of the year .
Like you I will lose all my child tax and child benefits so have already gone back to work full time to get used to it and it's hard to say the least .
I have two dc and he has none . Both mid forties .
He earns a three figure salary and I earn full time about £40k with two dc to support .
He said from the beginning to stop worrying it all goes into one pot when we live together .
Also we're going to rent for 18 months initially to make sure we're still as eager to be together as we are now before buying . When we buy he has a lot to put down and I will have a lot less but the house will be in joint names . I've suggested as he's to invest so much we have a legal contract to protect him should f the worst happens as his girlfriend took advantage and I just want him to know I won't. .

So .... protect yourself and put you and your dc first . For me that would mean being financially happy and also having my name on the house . If he's happy to live with you he should want you to be his equal surely .
Set your own boundaries and don't sell yourself short .

Generally my kids are very good but like them all they have their moments and he’s pretty intolerant of these at times and this is something that we’ve rowed about twice more recently

OP, you said you introduced him to your DC after a couple of months whereas most wouldn't do that for at least six months to a year. Having settled after the upheaval of your divorce, you now want to uproot them again to move in with this man. I would have thought your comment above would be enough to not move in with him, let alone all the other stuff.

Re him spending 4 or 5 nights a week with you currently, I have read threads on here where women have had to pay back thousands in benefits because their boy friend stayed three nights a week, so you would be in big trouble if they found out.

A house you pay half of will go solely to his kid, yours will end up with nothing.

And this issue is just one of many. If anything can convince you to stop with this terrible plan it should be your children’s security.

Don’t put him and his kid before yours. Why would you???

On losing benefits:
My stepson is going his student loan application today.
His dad and I choosing to marry and live together means he misses out on about £2K of maintenance loan.
Guess what?
We’ve just had the convo (husband and I) that I will top up the missing £2K.
Because I don’t expect my husband to be worse off because he married me, when I am by far the bigger earner.
This isn’t even a child I have ever raised or lived with.
Relationships post kids need a lot of extra thinking.

I'd be modelling @Tinkerbellx 's situation as it sounds just right.

I think OP is long gone. I hope she took some of the advice people gave on board.

@Ellisandra
That's so good.
I'd be the same.
When I dated as a single parent
It was always on the understanding we (my dd) came as s package.
My dh has loved her and treated her as his own.
We have always shared the finances but in a fair and proportional way.
I think money is something that should be discussed and agreed early doors.

Luckily me and dh share the same attitude towards money.

@yan79 how did it go?

Hope you're OK.

Hey, I’m here. He’s gone x

Why - what happened? Are you ok?