AIBU new home

[yan79]

Hi, I’ve been with my partner just short of a year and we’re buying a house together. He’s actually buying it as my credit is less than perfect.
I’ve rented since separating from my ex husband 4 years ago.
I work part-time due to having young children and I receive a significant amount in universal credit and housing benefit.
He is classed as a high earner and has one child who he sees a few days a week. I have my children 5 days a week.

We got chatting about contribution to the new house and he expects me to contribute the exact same amount as him (he earns over 50k and at the moment I earn 14k)
I’m well aware that I’ll need to increase my hours when we live together but I’ll never ever earn as much as him. In fact when we live together I’ll loose nearly 1k a month in child benefit, universal credit and housing benefit which is fine as this was only ever a temporary measure while my children are young to help me get by and I always knew that I’d have to work more and not be reliant on these benefits.
I won’t be able to work full-time as childcare isn’t available to me to cover my unsocial hours so I’ve decided to increase my hours to 30 hours over 3 days which is just about manageable.
AIBU in thinking I shouldn’t be expected to contribute the exact same amount as him?
It will leave me with barely any disposable income and also I think the child maintenance I receive from my children’s father shouldn’t be taken into consideration when it comes to my income?

I just wanted a neutral opinion from people that don’t know either of us as my family say YANBU as do my friends.

Many thanks 😘

He's done you a massive favour by having a tantrum and all the intuitive posters who could see him and it for what it was have also done you a massive money saving favour…

Be prepared for him back-tracking. He'll sort stuff legally. He'll propose. He'll guilt trip you over what your kids will miss out on etc etc.

Now go and pack his stuff!

I agree with @SunshineCake be prepared for some bullshit promises aimed at reeling you back in. Don't fall for it, he's shown you who he really is.

Play some awesome 90s music while you pack his stuff. 🎶

I am sorry but like the other posters, I think that is best for you and your DC. You did really well to bring it up with him and it is much better to find out now than once you have lost your home and some of your income.

Pack up his stuff and take care of yourself

As said op, my personal opinion is him paying half of all bills, inc food, is more than generous when there are three of you and one of him. However I do believe he should have given you security as in the opening post this is what you said he had offered in the form of a legal document. It's clear he lied to you about this.

I can see why he's pissed off you'd wish him to pay more than half, but I think if he was genuine about a future with you he'd have jumped at sorting out an equity split once the mortgage has been paid off.

The fact he wouldn't even discuss this with you, indicates on this score, he was simply taking here, with no give.

I think you're better off knowing now that's what he is like, he is protecting only himself, and won't share any equity with you, even with you paying half the mortgage, so it's best you do not live with this man and give up your security, it only benefits him if things don't work out, and you lose all rights, he could have you and your kids out, any time he chose..

I'm sorry it worked out like this.

Yes, he will tip up again. Try and pull you in so you commit to going ahead.

What he is doing now, is trying to scare you. So you will be grateful when returns and offers to take you back, on his terms.

It's a typical tactic that abusers use to get their own way and to modify your behaviour so it suits them.

I hope you are ok OP and I am sorry you are hurting. But I really hope you now realise he isnt a good man and this wasnt a good relationship.

I'm so sorry it turned out like this; but when you think back his promises of 'he'd make sure you're OK' etc... and yet when you wanted to discuss it he shouted, shut you down and stormed off...

It may not feel like it right now, but you've dodged a bullet.

I hope you have some real life support right now as I'm guessing it feels like crap. Please take care of yourself.

I think the most concerning thing is the security element, he clearly thought you were too stupid, too gullible, too in love to ever make him do it, so he made these big promises, thinking you'd never hold him to it,,,and with you saying you had a debt issue it gave him the perfect opportunity to buy a nice four bedroom house, have you pay half the mortgage, and if it didn't work out, he could chuck you out, and he would retain the house and all profit and you'd get nothing,

He held all the cards and he knew it.

And now you've blown it apart for him. That's why he's so angry. He thinks you led him up the garden path, because he genuinely believed you'd move in, pay half the costs, and never ask for any share of the equity and a hold on the property, or even your name on the mortgage and the deeds.

It's as shitty as it gets.

Yan I know you will be hurting right now and you will be thinking why did I post and ask opinions
you will also be blaming yourself for being in the situation

but please as other posters have said understand you have dodged a bullet

I can't tell you how relieved I am and also have proud you should feel of yourself because you had doubts which is why you originally posted
you then got an overwhelming response about the risks you were letting yourself in for and not too just accept what he said

you have shown enormous strength and bravery to question him and you got exactly the response from him everyone expected but more importantly however painful it is now you got it whilst you still have your independence financially and security for you and your children so that is going to be a lot less painful than if you'd carried on and found yourself completely trapped in an impossible situation with him holding all the cards
Your a hugs from me and

@yan79 I'm so sorry it has come to this, but as the others have stated, he has shown his true colours now.

Don't be surprised if he tries to come back with false promises. Unless he's got a solicitor lined up to give you some security in moving in with him...and he sorts out some anger management...then I wouldn't give him a backward glance. As heartbreaking as it is, because you were planning a future, it is time to reevaluate what you want in a relationship for the future and concentrate on yourself and the kids. If he truly loved and trusted you, he would have made sure he was going to put some kind of security in place. But no...he would have sold you down the river at the first opportunity and his reaction to you telling him has indeed shown himself for what he really is. You definitely have dodged a bullet.

Oh my goodness please don't do this !

Think about your babies , at least wait a year - can you get your credit back in check and then put some money towards it ?

My partner wanted me to do this , but I refused ... So we rented for 5 years and I put half the deposit in and have 50/50 of the house , me and my partner earn the same amount of money so we both put £1000 each into our joint account which covers mortgage / bills and food etc.

I hope you are ok OP, I'm sure you must be hurt with his horrible behaviour, but take comfort from the knowledge that you have dodged a bullet.
If you had questioned anything at all further down the line he would shout and kick you out.

Wow! I'm sorry that happened.

The fact he didn't even hear you out is enough to tell you he knew what he was doing. The bastard.

I'm glad it happened before you gave up your Home Finance and Security OP, I'm just sorry you're likely hurting my lovely, but better knowing now than homeless and penniless farther down the line with your Child. He's a manipulative prick

The fact he didn't even hear you out is enough to tell you he knew what he was doing. The bastard.

Yes, that's exactly how I read it. If there'd been a genuine misunderstanding about the deal and his intentions were of the best he'd have wanted to reassure you, OP.

Storming out shows his true colours. He had a good trap deal all worked out and then you basically escaped at the last minute. No wonder he was furious.

Just watch out for him to come round and try to persuade you all over again. He may still hope to bamboozle you.

He did exactly what I said he would in one of my earlier posts. I'm so sorry, op, but at least your eyes are wide open now and you know EXACTLY who he really is.

Despite feeling glad that you've had your eyes opened where this man is concerned, my heart goes out to you. In less than 24 hours your dream home/new life has disappeared before your eyes. A wonderful birthday trip to NY has slipped away. Worst of all, your belief in a man you thought truly loved you has been shattered.

Take time now to mourn for these things. Look at your beautiful children and be proud that you have secured their future. Things will get better, you know that from experience, but it will take time. Be kind to yourself.

Huge ((((Hugs)))) I know you must be devastated.

With him staying with you as much as he currently is if you're claiming as a single parent you are currently committing benefit and possibly council tax fraud (if you get single person discount)

You could be in really deep shit if this comes to light!

So you either need to tell the relevant authorities or he needs to spend much less time at yours.

"I don’t know that was something that could affect my benefits" sorry but I'm not buying that at all! I've been on benefits for years as a single mum under charges of govt etc and it's ALWAYS made very clear by the dwp etc in paperwork AND In interviews etc PLUS it's all over news and SM the anger towards fraudulent claimants etc you'd have to live under a rock not to know!

"Short temper as in shouts easily or gets stressed. Not in a physical way" that's STILL not acceptable especially with young children! Plus if he's that bad less than a year in before you're even living together and still on honeymoon phase in all likelihood he IS prone to violence/abusive behaviour.

Wtf were you thinking getting your kids involved with this guy?

"When he moves in here I was aware that I’d have to stop claiming" he's already moved in as far as dwp, tax credits and your local council are concerned!

Honestly dump this selfish, tight, aggressive loser, get some therapy/do freedom programme and don't have another relationship until you've got your head on straight.

When you do have another relationship take it MUCH more slowly for both your and your kids sake.

Moving in with ANYONE less than a year in is utterly ridiculous. I've said it on another thread recently I'm sick of reading about women prioritising a man over their kids needs!

It's usually shitty men too!

Prioritise your kids! They have NO choice with any of this crap it's so unfair to put them in a position of seriously depleted resources and possible homelessness purely for a bloody man!

"he’s funny oh yea he sounds a hoot generous (even though you all believe him not to be after what I’ve told you) nope Intelligent when it comes to protecting his money yep solvent probably cos he screws others over financially too we get on like a house on fire except when you argue at least once a month or if you DARE to challenge him we have fun doesn't sound much fun he’s supportive how?! and helpful what does he do - genuine question and loving apart from screwing you AND Your kids financially, being controlling, aggressive and impatient with the kids and as solid as a rock when it comes to supporting my insecurities only in so far as it suits him go keep you playing ball

I expect him to come crawling back - and sadly I think you'll let him!

You really shouldn't. You WILL be failing yourself and your kids if you do.

In 15-20 years this could be you and your kids

https://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3566468-help

Bullet dodged.

Now cut him off. He's a wrong 'un.

I am sorry that he has shown his true colours. It will be painful but you have definitely avoided much more pain in the future.

I was financially well off when I met Ex and ignored warnings of him taking advantage of me. I have lost so much financially and emotionally but know it was due to my naivety. Painful lesson but it was the only way I could learn. I am now much wiser and so will you be. You will get over this.

Be warned he may come back with a slightly improved offer which could tempt you. None of us like to lose a relationship..but remember how he dealt with this as it shows his true nature.

I'm so sorry. You have had a lucky escape though OP.

You have been very brave OP
Pack up his things and see this as a lucky escape

Wow!

I’m very sad for you OP as I can see how committed you were to this but sadly he was not who you thought he was. Better to have found this out now. I hope you can still have a good 40th and pick yourself up and move on with confidence. You have a lot going for you, keep being strong.

I'm sorry @yan79

I'm sure you will know it's a relief but also the sadness of a relationship ending is there.

Take heart in the fact that you saw sense and stood up for yourself. Your living situation and kids will not be dependent on this cruel man