Would you email the other woman?!?!?

[purplepoppet]

Help! I'm so hurt & angry..I have started another post (previouse one - Advice Please, husband blaming me for going off with another woman)

I have just found out that this woman is back on the scene again and they have been emailing each other constantly and recently seeing each other...

He has completely fed her a load of bullsh*t as he has done with me...god there's so much, I wouldn't know where to start!

The thing is, I'm so hurt & angry...this woman made our life a misery over christmas and during the time we were trying to make it work...now she's on his case again and what makes matters far worse is that he's snivelling to her about how he only made a go of it with me because of our daughter...and that his happiness didn't come into it

Anyway, I'm rambling, sorry...been up all night and felt like I wanted to email them both to put the record straight and let her know what a lying, cheating, b&st&rd he is!!

I realise I'm very upset and don't want to do anything I regret...should I email them both and have my say, or should I somehow just let it go and let her realise for herself??

Help!! So frustrated, but then on the other hand, don't want to stoop to their leave iykwim...

surprisingly enough, I'm feeling relatively calm and collected at the moment..not sure how long it will last though! lol

I promise you it will get better. I cannot even begin to tell you the number of times, I emailed, called, text, etc in moments of weakness (read drunkeness) phones should have breathylisers on them and lock out if you're over the limit. I used to wake up in the morning with a feeling of dread in my stomach knowing that I had done something stupid, check my phone and feel sick for hours.

you do it cos you want them to know how bad you feel, but the fact is, they will never know cos they don't have the emotional capacity to know. But, in time they will understand some of what they've lost. and if they don't ever understand what they';ve done or lost, would you want to be wtih them. Hold tight, do not use phone email etc when you're upset or had a drink. remember how you felt this morning.

sorry long one, but am so feeling what you're going through, it is much much better 4 years down the line. x

Thanks, you're so right! It all seems like a good idea after a few glasses of the 'devil juice'.

As you say, they key is, don't do anything at all whilst under the influence! I need to take some of that advice

I think my dh is already starting to realise the consequences of what has happened. Sounds like he's not in a very good place at the moment and thats where he deserves to be...

Oooooo Karma! Don't you just love it!

Purplepoppet, I honestly think that the next time he tells you it's all your fault, you should tell him in no uncertain terms that it isn't. I hate to hear you beating yourself up as if some part of you believes him. Just tell him, "No, it's not my fault. It was your choice. I don't like it but I'm not going to be blamed for it. And don't ever tell me that rubbish again." Blimey. Surely one good thing about a man leaving is that you don't have to listen to his moaning any more. Good luck.

And if we all stuck to the rules what a boring life it would be. I bet the day i walk into the office all eyes will be on me and it will be better than an episode of eastenders by far. I am holding that thought close as i am the only one in control of that - whereas if i do it i will no longer have the control if that makes sense (i am already on the devil juice as kids off school already and its been crap weather here so they are watching DVDs)

Hey, I might have to join you!

Felt like crap this morning, however the key is 'moderation!!'

Oh, and golden rule 'do not go near any appliances of communication whilst under the influence of Devil Juice'

Classic denial.....all the mass murderers the ones that shoot everyone down...earlier this year in the states that young lad...what did he say? he blamed evryone except of course himself for the choices he'd made and the consiquences of his actions.

Your dh is the same , he made choices he could have dealt with any problems in an adult way and tried to talk to you but he didn't he chose to lie, decieve and cheat...not nice things to do....not nice to have to accept you are the kind of person who does those things so what the heck...don't accept it blame the nearest person to you and that my love is you!!!Do not for one moment entertain the thought that what he says is right he's denying HIS action HIS choice HIS consiquences - tell him to grow up and get gis head sorted out!

You are doing just fine honey.

I cannot understand for the life of me why someone would think so little of themselves that they'd continue to live with someone who treated them like this. I really and truly don't.

because it doesnt happen over night they wear you down hack at your confidence so slowly you dont even notice until your a wreck

well said sugar - if we could read the script they had been reading then we too would have our eyes open. Its because we are good people that we cannot believe anyone could treat us in such a way as we would not even know where to start to be so decietful. Im still under the infuluence of devil juice so im probably not making any sense at all - so feel free to ignore me.

am heading for the devil juice now

Expat...I hear what you're saying, but as the others have said, it sort of creeps up on you. I was with my dh for 8 years (only married 18months before he buggered off ) But you kind of get used to dealing with it and over time, you don't even realise it's not normal. If that makes any sense? I also think that alot of these men don't even realise they are doing it either, so again it's not until something like this happens that you actually think, 'sh*t, this isn't right'.

God, I'm rambling, sorry

In my situation it was a case of whenever we had an arguement, he would either walk out the door or sulk...it would be so frustrating that I would find myself ranting to get my point across just how unacceptable it was...then it was a case of, well I'm tired of this, so I either need to kick him into touch or accept that the easier thing to do would be to have the arguement, have the row and then apologise for it (sounds very warped I know, but I know what I mean). That way it was over and done with and far less draining.

He was always very good at convincing me that I was paranoid or imagining things too...could talk himself out of a paper bag...so again, it was something I back kind of used to.

Before I knew it I was falling for his lies and apologising for mistakes that would be his, but it was easier for me to apologise for a quiet life.

It got to a point where I would be desperately upset about something...air the issue and by the time the discussion/argument/whatever came to a conclusion, it would all be turned round so that somehow I was in the wrong!!! Very clever and still not quite sure how he could do that. But I would sit there and think, 'hang on, I'm in bits here and he's managed to turn it round so that I am in the wrong and I am going to be the one who needs to apologise!' It's just barking fecking bonkers!!!

If anyone can enlighten me as to how the hell he could do that, I would love to know

Right, heading for another glass of Devil Juice now myself..

so whats happening to him thats realy shit at the moment.......has the whore asked him to pick a sock up yet?????????

Hee hee...not sure about that one I shall let you know when I get the news

I can just tell that he's not in a good place right now. He's completely out of control and I suspect he's starting to realise what he's lost. He's lost his wife, his home, has part time access to his daughter...he's life is falling apart around him and it's all his fault!

Although, the bar steward still has the never to blame me!!! Tw*t!!

The thing is, he's so weak, even though he needs to cut ties with the sl*g, I know that he won't because he's got no-one else and he will be getting himself into a heap load more trouble with her...she's not all the ticket at all and far too 'desperate' to get her claws into him for my liking! After everything she did, and knowing what she's capable of, I'm completely amazed that he's even considered going down that road again. Oh well, as he said, 'if I'd have cheered up and helped him, none of this would have happened', so of course in his eyes, it's my fault that he's a complete spineless bar steward!!

Oh well, on his head be it...I will just sit back now and let him get on with it..

pp good to see you are making some progress and there's a few smiley faces on here.
One step at a time. But you will get there and be happier than him in the long run.

If anyone knows the answer to your question about how people manage to turn things round so it always ends up being your fault, I'd love to know too!

I know, it's mad isn't it?! I really don't know how he does it!

I don't know how they do it either; it took me over twenty years to even realise it was happening, even though I have cynical tendencies and have always worked full-time (bar maternity leave) so had a reality check handy. Let's stop feeling embarrassed and congratulate ourselves, whatever our circumstances, for finally seeing the light, even if it's our partners who forced our eyes open by their dreadful behaviour. We shouldn't apologise for being honest, loving or forgiving. Those are virtues, not vices.

No, you couldn't make a perfect household to keep him happy in forever, because no such thing exists. Just pretend your best friend told you this had happened to her - you'd back her up, wouldn't you, even if she hadn't handled things perfectly all the time? Now be your own best friend and back yourself up. Human beings are not perfect, we have the right to make mistakes, and the right to be forgiven for them too.

By the way, if you were so awful he had to play away, why did he need to lie about it? Surely if you deserved it he should have said so before you found out. No, it won't wash.

It just makes me mad when he says I didn't pay him enough attention, that he was depressed and I didn't notice it, that I then pushed him away and didn't help him...that I took advantage of him for years

My biggest mistake was that I did absolutely everything for him...right down to buying his clothes and his underwear!! He could never do anything on his own...I dealt with all the money (which he enjoyed spending on cars, gadgets, you name it and getting us into debt up to our eyeballs), the house, the kids..absolutely everything because he was 'too busy working to keep a roof over our heads'...then at the weekend he felt he had the right to do absolutely nothing because he needed to 'relax'!!!

When I would then express the fact that I was tired & p*ssed off and needed help (I would plead with him that I needed help), he would accuse me of bullying him and trying to control him!!! ...

He felt that if he 'washed up' occasionally after dinner, that was enough to run the house. I did all the DIY, gardening etc...and as we know there's only so much one person can do...I have become a physical and emotional wreck!

..But I'M the one who took HIM forgranted...I don't think so!!!

I think the biggest thing I need to accept is that the bottom line is, he just doesn't love me or never has loved me..if he did he would never be blaming me for everything awful that has happened

Sorry for the ramble...

you ramble all u want , its good that ur realising he is a lying sack of shit, and all this crap that everythings ur fault is only because his world is crashing down around him and he doesnt want to look in the mirror and see the person who actually destroyed. you know that uve got nothing to feel shitty about, and he is just the biggest waste of space ever

Thanks Suezee...its strange because in a warped sort of way I feel sorry for him...he's obviously very ill and not the ticket at all, he is completely messing his life up and it's all his own doing...very sad

By all means feel sorry for him (he'd probably find your pity harder to take than your anger anyway!). Just don't let him off the hook.

No I won't...what am I thinking anyway...why am I feeling sorry for him after everything he's done?!?! I'm clearly insane Maybe its just that if he really is depressed and really is ill, then that would kind of explain a teensie bit why his behaviour has been so vile...maybe it's me trying to kid myself so it's easier for me to deal with or something?! If that makes any sense??

Oh I don't know, I'm confusing myself now! lol

See...he's managing to reel me in again with all his bll sht...what's wrong with me?!?!

Oh you're depressed, so that's ok...I don't think so!!!! Arrgghhh