Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

Unexpectedly pregnant very early on in relationship!

286 replies

penguinsmarching · 22/04/2019 22:33

Earlier I took a test (more like 5) and well I'm pregnant. I'm not sure how to feel, I've only been with my bf for a few months, I already have two DD's and never really saw myself having anymore. I just can't believe it, I'm on the pill but I was sick over a month ago for quite a while, perhaps that effected it. I've yet to even tell my youngest that I'm in a relationship, oldest knows but hasn't met him, the rest of my family haven't either some know about him some don't. Then there's telling him, I don't even know how he'll react

OP posts:
BlueMoon1103 · 23/04/2019 06:26

Emotional well-being is just as important as being practical? Bear in mind we’re talking about a baby here, a human being! It’s not like OP is asking whether or not to buy a new car, deciding whether or not to have an abortion, a procedure that would end the baby’s life goes beyond practical and logical. It’s got to be what OP wants and what she feels she can live with, not just what looks more sensible from people on Mumsnet!

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 23/04/2019 06:53

Why might the existing children suffer anyway? Its a new sibling and they might not be so judgemental as the people on here! Kids tend not to overthink this sort of thing.

Split of resources/accommodation/Mother’s time and risk to mother’s health?

I would make plans on a worst case scenario basis, so parenting a child with disabilities on your own with no help/money from boyfriend and state support getting worse not better. If that sounds ok then anything better will be a bonus.

AndItStillSaidFourOfTwo · 23/04/2019 07:43

I don't understand why it's disgusting and despicable to speak of termination as an option (why is it disgusting and despicable? Is termination of pregnancy shameful?) but just fine to induce guilt with the 'I could never have gone through with an abortion' and the talk of 'ending a life'. The fact is that all those who are encouraging her to go ahead because the thought of termination makes them feel uncomfortable will not be there when OP is (potentially) struggling alone with a third child on austerity benefits. (On that note, however, I am equally disapproving of the moral judgements on her life to date and the tutting about the taxpayer footing the bill that some people have been coming out with).

If OP comes to her own, realistic, clear-eyed decision that she wants to proceed with the pregnancy, that is one thing, but this is a situation that calls for the consideration of all options, without guilt coming into the equation.

howmanyleftfeet · 23/04/2019 07:52

I don't understand why it's disgusting and despicable to speak of termination as an option (why is it disgusting and despicable? Is termination of pregnancy shameful?) but just fine to induce guilt with the 'I could never have gone through with an abortion' and the talk of 'ending a life'.

It's not talking of termination that's a problem, It's telling someone that's what they should do that's wrong, and worse still to do it from a position of being judgy.

Usually on threads like this there is much more respect of the fact it needs to be the OP's choice.

It's absolutely not OK to tell someone you don't even know to terminate - or keep a child. Supporting someone to make the decision that's best for them doesn't mean making that decision for them.

Bittern11 · 23/04/2019 07:54

Wow, the amount of people on here pressuring OP into an abortion is shocking.

Who is doing that? Who? Point to to one post that is doing that, @PregnantSea

I am shocked at the amount of people here congratulating OP with an unwanted pregnancy and a difficult situation. Do you also congratulate the people in your lifes when they have the flu?

Quite, Capt Skippy.

user1457017537 · 23/04/2019 07:57

Slow hand clap for an unwanted pregnancy being compared to flu. By the way it’s not unwanted

MNHQ
soniamumsnet · 23/04/2019 08:00

We've moved this to Relationships as it's a better place and we've had a few reports. Best of luck with whatever you decide OP Flowers.

swingofthings · 23/04/2019 08:03

As those threads always go, no one can tell OP what's best for her and on this basis, I don't really understand why posters finding themselves accidentally pregnant expect from posting.

If it sympathy, it is hard to know whether a 'congratulations, it's brilliant news, you'll make it work no matter what', or 'dont worry OP, if you think it won't work, it is OK to have an abortion, it's your right and won't make you a bad person' is more appropriate as we really don't know the details of OP's life anyway.

The only advice I would give is to discuss it with your boyfriend ASAP. He too is faced with a life changing event but one he has almost no control over. At least you do. Consider all options together and hopefully reach a decision that is the one you can both live with.

Tweety1981 · 23/04/2019 08:08

Don’t have an abortion if you don’t want to . No one knows that you are ruining your life .

You might be able to afford the baby and your other daughters might love having a new baby in the house . Yes it hasn’t been planned but lots of babies aren’t planned .

Your BF might want the baby and be happy too ! Or he might not be .

In any case you do what makes you happy and can cope with and forget what everyone else thinks ....

Tweety1981 · 23/04/2019 08:09

And congratulations a baby is always a. Miracle 😊

CaptSkippy · 23/04/2019 08:09

Was the pregnancy planned? No.
The OP even specificallly stated that she couldn't see herself having anymore. Add to the the financial difficulties OP and her current 8-year-old will likely face, it's safe to equate this to an unwanted pregnancy.

Wilbs77 · 23/04/2019 08:18

Agree with people on here who are disgusted in the posts telling poor op to get rid of the child, judgemental nasty people! Life isn't a fucking fairytale. You'll have a few months before you have to tell your DC so don't worry about that. Ignore the haters on here!! Congratulations xx

LaurieMarlow · 23/04/2019 08:18

Unplanned does not mean unwanted.

Wheresmyvagina · 23/04/2019 08:19

The OP would benefit far more from respectful questioning of her finances, the relationship with her boyfriend and the impact on her older child, as well as other people saying they would probably terminate, far more than 'all babies are precious miracles and you'll be totally fine hun' messages.

LaurieMarlow · 23/04/2019 08:25

The OP would benefit far more from respectful questioning of her finances, the relationship with her boyfriend and the impact on her older child, as well as other people saying they would probably terminate, far more than 'all babies are precious miracles and you'll be totally fine hun' messages

It’s the OPs decision alone.

The thing about being pro choice is just that. The freedom to choose. And that choice does not have to be predicated on a list of factors that the mumsnet jury gets to determine.

Some of this discussion has been helpful, a lot of it less so, but I hope the OP is not swayed by the opinions of randoms on the internet on topics she’s in a much better position to evaluate, like how it will affect her current children.

Bittern11 · 23/04/2019 08:32

And congratulations a baby is always a. Miracle

No, it's really not. Are you very young?

Middersweekly · 23/04/2019 08:42

@OP I also got pregnant accidentally at the beginning of mine and DH’s relationship (around 7 months in). It was a huge shock as we were both young. Unfortunately I went on to have a miscarriage but after an awful couple of months grieving we decided to let nature take its course and I got pregnant again. She is turning 16 soon and we’re (Me & DH) 17 years down the line with 3 more DC’s. It doesn’t need to spell the end of your relationship because you’ve fallen pregnant accidentally at the start. We were fully prepared to go through with and keep our first pregnancy.
The best thing to do would be a good long discussion with your BF about what you both want.

MustardScreams · 23/04/2019 08:50

How are you going to support the baby? You won’t get any extra benefits as they are your third child. Will your dp be involved or will he disappear when he knows? Is your home big enough for another child? How will your other children react? Will it affect them negatively in anyway?

Lots to think about op.

Prequelle · 23/04/2019 08:53

Doesn't work, knew she had been sick whilst taking the pill, has hardly been with the fella two minutes... fucking hell.

NaturalBornWoman · 23/04/2019 08:55

It's not talking of termination that's a problem, It's telling someone that's what they should do that's wrong, and worse still to do it from a position of being judgy.

I don't think anyone has told her what to do. As for judgement, it does very much seem as though this is the third time the OP has found herself pregnant in poor circumstances, given her first child was likely a teen pregnancy, she also has another child whose father she is not in a relationship with and now she's claiming she didn't realise being sick would compromise the effectiveness of the contraceptive pill. I don't think it's unreasonable given she's posted for advice, that some people would feel strongly enough about the situation to point out that she's got some tough decisions to make and that her existing children should be her priority. Comments about babies being miracles and congratulations are spectacularly inappropriate.

user1457017537 · 23/04/2019 08:57

So should only people in perfect circumstances become mothers then. Isn’t that a tad judgmental.

Wheresmyvagina · 23/04/2019 08:58

@lauriemarlow of course it's the OP's choice! But she's asked for advice and people often ask for advice when they have a difficult decision to make. It's not anti-choice to suggest that someone thinks about the option of termination and reflects on whether they are in a position to have a baby.

Prequelle · 23/04/2019 09:00

Few people's circumstances are every perfect but theres some that are just irresponsible. And if it's happened multiple times then that's just negligence. Few pregnancies are ever truly accidental, user error or indifference account for a lot.

My own was indifference but I could afford to be that way.

Wheresmyvagina · 23/04/2019 09:01

Uh @prequelle the OP's second child was while she was married so cool it with the 'happened three times'

Prequelle · 23/04/2019 09:03

I think you will find I didn't say that, another poster did.

Swipe left for the next trending thread