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Original poster

Unexpectedly pregnant very early on in relationship!

286 replies

penguinsmarching · 22/04/2019 22:33

Earlier I took a test (more like 5) and well I'm pregnant. I'm not sure how to feel, I've only been with my bf for a few months, I already have two DD's and never really saw myself having anymore. I just can't believe it, I'm on the pill but I was sick over a month ago for quite a while, perhaps that effected it. I've yet to even tell my youngest that I'm in a relationship, oldest knows but hasn't met him, the rest of my family haven't either some know about him some don't. Then there's telling him, I don't even know how he'll react

OP posts:
Wineott · 23/04/2019 04:44

I'm utterly disgusted.

Saying things like "how could you even consider going through with it" "why would your first thought be to carry on with it" etc etc are horrific.

Yes abortion is every woman's right. But not every woman would have one. Not every woman sees a pregnancy as something you can just get rid of because it's bad timing. Im not judging those who would, not at all. But the comments on here tonight are disgusting.

There is a difference between "think about whether you could realistically manage and how it would affect you all as a family" and "you would be mad to carry on with this pregnancy, think of your existing children"

Praiseyou · 23/04/2019 04:52

Someone needs to be the grown-up and speak-up when people are ruining not only their own life, but the lives of their children and the life of some man they hardly know.

@contraryann, the man is an adult who I presume knows how babies are made. He is equally responsible for this pregnancy so I don't understand how the OP could possibly be ruining his life.

Best wishes OP.

mimibunz · 23/04/2019 04:56

I’m not from the UK originally but is there a substantial social welfare to assist single pregnant women out of work? I would be terrified of not knowing how to manage financially. Best of luck OP!

youknowmedontyou · 23/04/2019 05:08

@Praiseyou but OP was using the pill and was sick! Was he aware of her sickness to make an informed decision? I expect the i was taking the pill and was sick and didn't realise it would have an effect from a 16 year old not a mature woman.

Having said that he could've used condoms to protect himself, he may regret he didn't or he may embrace a child. Time will tell.

youknowmedontyou · 23/04/2019 05:10

I’m not from the UK originally but is there a substantial social welfare to assist single pregnant women out of work? I would be terrified of not knowing how to manage financially. Best of luck OP!

Yes the tax payers fund it.

mum2three0 · 23/04/2019 05:18

I got pregnant about 6 weeks into a relationship, everybody told me I was stupid and mad but 3 years on we are still together and have another baby together.
I also wasn't working and yet we made it work 🤗

Praiseyou · 23/04/2019 05:23

Having said that he could've used condoms to protect himself

Exactly.

I don't like the double standards - She should have known that sickness affects the pill and now she is ruining his life because she is pregnant. What???

A quick Google search would tell him that, with typical use, the pill is 91% effective. If he didn't want a baby, he should have used condoms.

Two people had sex therefore they are both responsible for the pregnancy.

Fucket · 23/04/2019 05:25

Do taxpayers fund baby number 3? I’d be getting my calculator out to see if I could support a 3rd child by myself. The boyfriend may well step up and provide or he may just deny his own child, and possibly not contribute as some fathers unfortunately do.

I would also plan on going back to work, once the 8 year old is an adult I presume you will stop receiving maintenance and will need to feed and clothe your 3rd child somehow.

Of course lots of women do cope financially as single mothers. For me though, unless you’ve got the financial security your not having employment is ringing alarm bells for your financial security.

Henrysmycat · 23/04/2019 05:28

It’s up to the OP what she does but I had no idea AIBU was full of fundamentalist pro-lifers. Giv

Henrysmycat · 23/04/2019 05:31

Apologies for the unfinished one.
I meant to say comments like “Give the baby up for adoption”?
What the hell, shall we go back and to single mothers’ house and Magdalene sisters?

drspouse · 23/04/2019 05:31

Sickness affects the pill even after it's too late (as my friend's 18 year old demonstrates. Friend is a a HCP).

Monty27 · 23/04/2019 05:33

Maybe deep down you're happy to have another DC. You don't seem too unhappy. Albeit taken aback.
It's a strange post though.

AndItStillSaidFourOfTwo · 23/04/2019 05:33

I don't like the judgement on this thread. Both the moralising judgement of the OP's circumstances complete with implicit benefit-bashing and the aggressive judgement of those pointing out the circumstances are less than ideal, complete with implicit pro-life narratives ('it's not a trip to the dentist' etc and the strong idea that those advising termination are breaking some kind of taboo against the sanctity of motherhood), are not helping the OP and not helping other women in this position who may be reading.

OP, in my honest view, there is more to consider here than your understandable emotional inclination to keep the baby, but unfortunately I think this thread has taken an unhelpful turn. I'd suggest you seek impartial counselling to talk this through.

malificent7 · 23/04/2019 05:57

Op ...you have posted on the wrong site. I am not pro life but it is disgusting to recommend abortion to a vulnerable woman who noone knows on this thread..
It's not like going to the dentist you know.
I hope mn pulls this thread and op finds support somewhere less judgemental.

malificent7 · 23/04/2019 05:58

Sorry to use the dentist analogy but its true....

malificent7 · 23/04/2019 05:59

Why might the existing children suffer anyway? Its a new sibling and they might not be so judgemental as the people on here! Kids tend not to overthink this sort of thing.

Springwalk · 23/04/2019 06:03

Sitting down calmly with a piece of paper on your own, and working out how this will affect your children and the rest of your life must be your first port of call op.
Do you have a good support network?
Can you manage financially?
Are you healthy and likely to stay that way?
Do you have parents that will help?
Do you have room?

Be logical and practical. You can not think emotionally, only of how this will work realistically. Any negative consequences need to be carefully considered and weighed up. Assuming the father will play no part to help, are you ready again for this level of responsibility? Can you manage if the child has special needs for instance?
If the answer to most of these questions is yes, then your decision is made. If it throws up some serious difficulties then this all needs to be thought through long before you come to a decision.

I don’t buy into the idea that somehow everything will work out when the baby arrives, sometimes that really just isn’t the case.

I would hold off telling your bf until you know what you want to do. Obviously he has a say, but ultimately only you can decide.

I wish you the best Flowers

BlueMoon1103 · 23/04/2019 06:06

OP, I was in this position, apart from I had no other children. He left when I said I was pregnant and keeping the baby but there is no way I could have had an abortion. My DS is the best thing in my life and I wouldn’t change anything! I’m a bit concerned all the people listing ‘practical’ reasons for having an abortion Hmm I’m sure OP knows all those things but the decision whether to keep your baby or not goes beyond practical. If you abort you have to live with that every day for as long as live and I know a lot of people (including me!) who couldn’t do that. I loved my DS the moment I found out I was pregnant so could never have aborted the pregnancy, those are all good reasons not too as well, aside from money and practicalities. That’s important but there are the emotional reasons to think of too.

DiamondsInTheMud · 23/04/2019 06:09

Cant believe all the posts here

OP if it were me i would be in exactly the same situation as you.

No matter the circumstances, if i fell pregnant, that would mean im having a baby (barring any problems etc obviously)

I know that i could never go through am abortion. Im all for choice, but I know me well enough to know its something i couldnt do.

OP i hope it all works out ok, kids will adapt 😊

Are your family nearby?

JenniferJareau · 23/04/2019 06:12

I'm on the pill but I was sick over a month ago for quite a while, perhaps that effected it.

Yes that would make the pill ineffective. It is hard worrying you did not know that.

You need to decide whether you wish to continue with the pregnancy. No one can or should make that decision for you. You also may have to do this alone if your bf is not on-board with having a baby with so early on in a relationship.

Good luck Flowers

Mummylovesbags · 23/04/2019 06:13

Don’t have an abortion if you feel you don’t want one or would regret or it doesn’t feel right. Just because the circumstances aren’t
perfect it doesn’t mean you shouldn’t have a child.

Your children will be thrilled when they see a chubby face that is part of them.

You can find a way to make it work financially and so can your boyfriend.

Anyone that has sex does so knowing there’s a chance of pregnancy however small. Your boyfriend is a big boy and he will deal with it.

Have courage and be brave ! You’re a strong woman to raise two children and you can do this. The older child is grown and the other one is semi independent.

Springwalk · 23/04/2019 06:15

That’s all well and good bluemoon but everyone’s situation is different. Op needs to consider her other children as well, and how she will manage. Being practical and thoughtful is imperative if you are making such a huge life changing decision.

Fluffy thinking will not help op one bit, if she ends up living in abject poverty on the breadline, with an endless struggle to feed and clothe another child. This must all be considered. To do anything else is entirely irresponsible.

Ellenborough · 23/04/2019 06:16

Obviously he has a say

Actually he doesn't. He can say all he likes but he has no right to insist on an outcome either way.

stucknoue · 23/04/2019 06:21

What does your dp think? But also (doing the maths) can you still see yourself parenting in 18 years time?

Ellenborough · 23/04/2019 06:25

The OP says she was very young when she had the 20 year old so she's probably still under 40 now. Certainly no older than many women contemplating parenting for the next 18 years.