Unexpectedly pregnant very early on in relationship!

[penguinsmarching]

Earlier I took a test (more like 5) and well I'm pregnant. I'm not sure how to feel, I've only been with my bf for a few months, I already have two DD's and never really saw myself having anymore. I just can't believe it, I'm on the pill but I was sick over a month ago for quite a while, perhaps that effected it. I've yet to even tell my youngest that I'm in a relationship, oldest knows but hasn't met him, the rest of my family haven't either some know about him some don't. Then there's telling him, I don't even know how he'll react

New relationship and you don’t use condoms?

A third child, third baby daddy and you have no income.

Think of what you’d actually be offering to your children AND a new one.

So should only people in perfect circumstances become mothers then. Isn’t that a tad judgmental.

You say 'become mothers' as though that's the point. In order to 'become a mother' you have to bring a new person into the world. For at least 18 years that person's financial and emotional wellbeing is your priority. Having a child is a privilege and a responsibility.

You shouldn't have to give up a baby that you want, just because the circumstances are not ideal.

If you have an unwanted abortion then you will almost definitely deal with years of regret. If you keep the baby (which is what you want to do!) then yes, you'll have some awkward conversations, but there's the potential for lots of positive changes in the future and provided you will love and care for the baby then it's not really that important what family members think.

This post is just cruel

//ukgift2016 Tue 23-Apr-19 09:10:38
Well done OP. With having 3 kids over 20 years, you have maintained your reliance on the welfare state.

It must have been an relief to know you don't have to work for another 5 years. Keep up the good work.//

The amount of money set aside by the government for benefits is the same whether or not OP claims them. In addition there is actually more money set aside by the government for benefits than is actually claimed. If you're going to be angry at someone- make it the wealthy high earners who avoid paying their taxes and deprive the country of millions- not poorer people who are struggling to get by.

The amount of money set aside by the government for benefits is the same whether or not OP claims them

What an odd thing to say. It's like saying the NHS gets x money so go ahead and abuse it because it's there to be used

And the diversion about rich folk abusing the system doesn't mean us 'little folk' are entitled to take the piss.

I'm finding the "I wouldn't have another baby in your situation" posts less judgemental than the "Oh, I could never have an abortion" posts.

Having had a termination I can confirm that physically it was easier than most dentist appointments. I do NOT think about it every day. I have thought since whether we could have made it work and how our lives would be now if we had proceeded with the pregnancy. However, I DO think about my DC every day and still believe, as I did then, that proceeding would have adversely affected them. I think my DH and I would likely have separated and perhaps I would have resented the baby.

Just a different viewpoint to the stories about how it worked out fine for some people. I'll say Good Luck, rather than congratulations.

Surely once the twenty year old leaves FTE (if in it) the new baby would become the second child so the timing works for benefits

It doesn't really help to keep sentimentalising pregnancy - it's just a bunch of cells not a ready made baby.

It all reads a bit disingenuous.

it's just a bunch of cells.

Not everyone shares this view. And who knows what the OP feels about it?

OP, congratulations.

I am a taxpayer in the UK for part of the year, my husband is year-round, and we are both agreed that the number one thing we are happy for our taxes to go towards is supporting single mums who find themselves in straitened circumstances. And there are a lot of people who think this way!

I'm absolutely horrified by the first page... the inherent slutshaming in whoever said 'three babies by three men'... well yes, ffs, it's possible to shag three different men in one's adult life. Disgusting comment.

Mumsnet has changed.

bluemoon
Ending a baby’s life?! It is not a baby, it is a cluster of cells. I really feel you are projecting your anti termination views. Of course emotional well being is important, so how will ops emotional well being fare, and that of the future child after eighteen solid years of hardship and struggles? No mother needs to give up a child if she doesn’t want to, but she owes it to that child to consider his or her well being and quality of life.
There is nothing wrong with being sensible. Sensible is an admirable quality in a parent.

OP, being a good parent means weighing up what you can offer a child. You can offer them a very fragile new relationship between their parents (if you’re lucky, maybe you’ll already be split by the time the baby arrives and a single parent), a fairly unstable family unit with multiple dads around, financial difficulties given you don’t work, and therefore not enough resources to properly provide for them not just in babyhood but childhood and beyond (unless you’re independently wealthy of course). If you feel it’s right to bring a new baby into that situation then that’s your prerogative, but I’d take a step back for a moment from the staunch ‘of course I’m keeping it’ approach and weight it up a bit more critically. Love isn’t enough, children need resources too. And if you don’t have them it’s not really fair to go ahead with it. You’ve been pretty reckless once and ended up conceiving, consider whether going through with the pregnancy would be in the child’s interests or another example of recklessness.

If it sits well with you then by all means continue with the pregnancy. But don’t do it unthinkingly. Really consider your options here and make sure whatever you decide is with the child’s interests in mind and not only your own. At least then whatever happens either way you’ll be able to live with your decision when things get difficult.

I'm absolutely horrified by the first page... the inherent slutshaming in whoever said 'three babies by three men'... well yes, ffs, it's possible to shag three different men in one's adult life. Disgusting comment

To be fair, I’m absolutely all for sexual liberation and shagging as many people as you like (as long as you’re being honest and being safe). But there’s a very huge difference between sleeping with three different men in one’s adult life and getting knocked up by three different men. I’ve had a colourful sexual history and ascribe zero judgment to someone having one partner or a hundred. But being so careless as to get pregnant by three separate guys is quite different, by the fact that it then starts to involve someone else who didn’t ask to be created, it’s no longer just about your own and the other person’s pleasure. Absolutely nobody has judged OP for shagging three different men, I’m sure 99% of the people on this thread have. They’re asking her to consider whether having a third child by a third man is a good idea or not. Which is a fair question given the impact on two existing and one potential kid of an unstable family dynamic with dads rotating in and out (or even worse, not being present at all).

One of the most important things you’ll ever do for your children is choose a good father. Yes things go wrong, you could be with someone four years and have a child and they turn abusive. But choosing to have the child of a man you’ve been dating a couple of months when you have no idea what he’s like or would be like as a dad or stepdad is just irresponsible.

I’ll be surprised if the OP even comes back to this thread tbh. Some of the replies are not pleasant at all. It’s not hard to try and give a bit of understanding or empathy when posters are looking for a bit of support. I think being an anonymous posters sometimes gives people the chance to be utter arseholes.

Penguin when I first started seeing Dh I got pregnant with in three months. It was a shock because I was told I wasn’t capable of conceiving. We talked about it and decided to give it ago. Sadly it was ectopic and not to be. There was a 16 year gap between my dd1

Only you can decide what you want to do as it’s your body and you will have to deal with the fall out.

Good luck

Why don't you all take your abortion debate somewhere else, this is not the place.

I'm always amazed at how many women advise an abortion on threads like these.

To the poster who said her abortion was easier than the dentist...... Well it's not like that for everyone. I had an abortion in my early twenties and I'd rather have had my teeth pulled without an anaesthetic.

Op if I were you I'd leave this thread as it's turned into a pile on and that's because of the benefits.

Talk to your real life friends and I wish you all the very best and congratulations

Stacktherocks, are you accusing the op of being careless 3 how would you know! Maybe she was promised the world and then let down. As for the comment about one of the best decisions you could make for your child is to choose a good father, how naive are you.

People here are fucking horrible sometimes.

On the off chance you do read this OP - It won’t be easy, you might end up doing it alone but you can want this baby and you can make the best of this, if that’s what you want!

OP, if you want to have the baby don't let anyone tell you otherwise. It's your baby and your body. It's no one else's business.

As for the kids, surely you wouldn't have to tell them right away anyway, so there would be some time to tell them in the way you want to.

I think you should follow your own instincts and do what you want to do. People have babies in all kinds of circumstances. You can never know how life works out.

Why is it wrong to have a child by three different men. Why is that different than having one by two different men. Not everyone has lifelong partnerships nowadays. It’s like the 1950s on this thread. Whose business is it how many children someone has, or partners or how long a gap they leave between children.

@user1457017537 agreed.

Also, you could easily have 3 kids by one man and he could be the worst father ever!!!

This thread has brought out a lot of people's prejudices, unfortunately.

Myheartbelongsto OP has acknowledged she had vomiting on the pill. It’s common knowledge that vomiting affects the effectiveness of the pill as if it’s not in your system and you lose it through being sick before it’s been fully absorbed you’ve effectively missed a pill. But even if it’s not common knowledge, the patient information leaflet makes it clear.

Are you suggesting that it’s not careless to have sex with someone you don’t want a baby with when your contraception has been compromised? Vomiting isn’t something that you don’t notice.

As for the comment about one of the best decisions you could make for your child is to choose a good father, how naive are you.

I did acknowledge it goes wrong sometimes. But come on. Are you really saying that the father you choose for your children isn’t important? Would you say it’s not an issue if someone got pregnant by a reckless non working drug using chap who’d just got out of jail? Just because you can’t always predict the future doesn’t mean as parents you shouldn’t consider who you’re having children with. I’d hardly say that’s naive. Far more naive to think that the other parent you choose to have a baby with is irrelevant and doesn’t make a bit of difference. I have friends who’ve grown up with shit or absent fathers and it has affected them profoundly, despite the very best efforts of their wonderful mothers.

I'm pro choice. Women should do what they think is best for their bodies and lives.

Being pro choice is NOT the same as saying that women in situations some judge to be less than ideal are morally obliged to have abortions.

Many people get pregnant under 'perfect' circumstances and it all goes to shit! That's life