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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Counseling - just wants to point fingers blame etc

243 replies

Inliverpool1 · 21/04/2019 22:33

A family member has been in counselling for a while, I’ve been invited for a family therapy session. Had one previously where I sat and listened to them basically point the finger blame for everything wrong in their life, despite not having been in it for 3 years and generally pick apart the past.
For my own sanity I cannot do this. I will not justify my decisions - I did the best I could at the time with the information I had. It’s now been suggested that I watch behind a screen whilst this person pours her heart out - fine I’m ok with that bit. But then basically it’s my turn and I get kinda interviewed I guess.

And I don’t want to.
I’m over this stuff. It’s staying in the past as far as I’m concerned and that’s that.
Any experiences ?

OP posts:
Lollypop701 · 23/04/2019 10:33

Could some of her mh issues be that nothing marries up? She will have been aware of s lot more stuff than the younger children. Her df spun his tale, which to protect her you’ve never really corrected. She has only her df narrative, but subconsciously knows this isn’t the truth. She feels insecure, and she knows it’s you that’s lying, plus her df is backing up you’re the problem. Dds starting point from there on in is you are a bitch. Unfortunately you need to unravel this, with facts (and if you have any proof I’d make sure to have it to hand) and not blame. I get you are trying to protect her, it’s going to be a painful truth for her, but not knowing is causing a shit storm anyway. There’s no easy answer, and I’d speak to her mh support before having time together. I think a lot of your ‘coldness’ is fear... good luck op

motheroftinydragons · 23/04/2019 10:33

But you can't undo her knowing stuff. She knows. So tough, it needs dealing with. Perhaps in future whoever is responsible for her day to day needs to ensure she's better protected from the nitty gritty details.

Her digging into things that really aren't her concern smacks to me of an individual who is desperate to be in control things - probably because she feels to horribly out of control in the first place.

Poor kid.

Original poster
Inliverpool1 · 23/04/2019 10:35

@Lollypop701 well that was the other interesting aspect of the conversation I asked what they considered the diagnosis or the mental health issue to be so I could do some research. They don’t consider she has any

OP posts:
Original poster
Inliverpool1 · 23/04/2019 10:36

@motheroftinydragons I agree and that person isn’t me

OP posts:
motheroftinydragons · 23/04/2019 10:41

@Inliverpool1 But there you go again! "It's not me!"

You're so defensive. It doesn't matter who it was. It's happened so it needs dealing with, and whether you caused it or not you need to help to resolve it for her sake.

Perhaps if you and the ex (I'm assuming it's your ex who is responsible) can start working together to ensure the best outcome for your child she'll be able to move forward.

Original poster
Inliverpool1 · 23/04/2019 10:46

@motheroftinydragons I fear not. He refuses to even protect her from my abusive mother. Thinks she should be allowed to make her own mind up about a convicted child abuser.

OP posts:
differentnameforthis · 23/04/2019 11:01

I’m sorry they aren’t and what 15 year old do you know gives a shit about what their dad pays in child support ? Which is why you need to unpack this. This isn't about texts on her dad's phone! What did you do that hurt her three years ago?

differentnameforthis · 23/04/2019 11:03

Would you honestly drive 100 miles there and back, have your friends leaving uni early to pick your kids up from school to sit and listen to that ? As a child with no relationship with her mother, I would do anything...ANYTHING to reconcile with my child.

Original poster
Inliverpool1 · 23/04/2019 11:07

differentnameforthis - what did I do ? I went on holiday left him in my house to look after his kids, came back found cat shit piled up under the living table, from where the cats had given up on the litter tray, rotting celery down the side of her bed, the cats dehydrated having been locked in my bedroom. Found out the girlfriend had been in my house and a bottle of my alcohol consumed and yes went fucking bat shit st him via text. Which she read

OP posts:
Original poster
Inliverpool1 · 23/04/2019 11:09

Oh and he left them unattended for three days whilst he went to work ... all under 18 at the time

OP posts:
Lollypop701 · 23/04/2019 11:12

I would also do anything to reconcile with my child, but if I thought not doing something would protect them more I would also consider that too. I think op has accepted she’s going to the meeting, and now wants to make sure she’s actually going to help her dd, and not make it worse. Op is probably frustrated as she feels she is the only parent doing this... and whatever she does if df isn’t similarly supportive then this may not get any better. But you have to try op, you do owe your dd her voice and her feelings. Of course there’s 2 sides etc, this isn’t a situation that has been handled well but op came looking for help and advice and other opinions.... she’s trying

Lollypop701 · 23/04/2019 11:14

Dear lord op, you’ll get bloody slated for going on holiday Flowers

Original poster
Inliverpool1 · 23/04/2019 11:16

I don’t go on holiday any more I can promise you that

OP posts:
Original poster
Inliverpool1 · 23/04/2019 11:19

But that’s right - the then 13 year old tells me my cats my responsibility the cats should have been put in a chattery, how could I possibly have expected her DF to look after animals AND children in a house for 10 days, how outrageous and to expect him not to get his end wet in someone else’s house for the duration again outrageous of me.

OP posts:
PlinkPlink · 23/04/2019 11:25

Well @Inliverpool1 my parents split when she was 12. Family counselling when she was 15.

I've read your latest post... knowing too much. It can be quite a burden at that age to know so many things, to deal with so many grown up situations.

I still look back at my childhood now and think alot of it was wrong for both DSis and me. I could see it wasn't my mum's fault but I struggle, even now, with my father's side of it. And even though I know it wasnt my mum's fault, I sometimes resent being brought up in that environment. But I'm an adult and I channel that instead into ensuring my child never knows the feelings I felt. It took me a long time to reach that though... it took a long time to process after my teenage years but the counselling was vital for that to happen.

My DSis and DM have a good relationship now. They still have ups and downs as any family does but they came out the other side.

differentnameforthis · 23/04/2019 11:38

Thank you for answering, op. Can I also ask how she come to be living with her dad? Sorry if you have mentioned it, I can't see anything.

I am not going to slate you for having a holiday, or leaving your children. I go on holiday without my dc and dh, everyone is entitled to a break!

However, she didn't read his messages, he showed them to her. He is manipulating her and you are washing your hands of her. She has no one she can trust, and him letting her be around a convicted child abuser should be reported as child safe guarding. If you know that is happening for a fact, and allow that to happen you are complicit in any abuse she suffers.

More to that, how can you be sure she isn't being abused by that person? Your daughter has some irrational anger, where is it coming from? When did all this start?

Original poster
Inliverpool1 · 23/04/2019 11:48

@differentnameforthis - from the moment we split she wanted to be with him. Wasn’t interested in the why we’d split just wanted her daddy and everyone else on the planet was calling him all the pieces of shit under the sun for his behaviour so they clung to each other. I and the counsellor have reported the contact to SS who “assure us” it’s just letterbox contact so that’s alright then.

OP posts:
Original poster
Inliverpool1 · 23/04/2019 11:49

@differentnameforthis I agree he showed her them. Nobody else does though

OP posts:
differentnameforthis · 23/04/2019 12:12

I do understand your reasons for initially withholding this information op, but I do think that it would have been easier to be open from the start...however, that's done now.

Thank you for alerting the SS to the contact. I disagree that it's ok, because it helps this person become familiar to your daughter, and allows them to potentially groom her. Is this relative on your ex's side? Does he has a vested interest in maintaining contact?

Regardless op, I would do anything I could to help her. I don't know what the answer to that is though. She is very troubled, and it is unfortunate that her father doesn't have her best interests at heart, and you are so worn down that you are close to not caring.

I hope CAHMS can offer some assistance on unpacking this. It does seem like she is stuck between a rock and a hard place, and he has filled her head with all sorts.

Original poster
Inliverpool1 · 23/04/2019 12:18

@differentnameforthis no it’s my mother - who he thought was a psycho throughout our marriage but now is a dear old granny that’s never been allowed a relationship with her grandchildren.
The fact that she belted one around the head and the other witnessed it so those two won’t go near her is lost on him. Well it’s not is it ?
Honestly this morning I’ve been up since 5am and smoked 10 fags with all this going around and around in my head and I’m still none the wiser really. My contact at CAHMs doesn’t disagree that stepping back might be for the best until she’s emotionally mature enough to deal with it and she was disappointed the conversation was allowed to go down the nannies etc route

OP posts:
Original poster
Inliverpool1 · 23/04/2019 12:20

@differentnameforthis but good point about the grooming I think another phone call to SS is in order

OP posts:
differentnameforthis · 23/04/2019 12:30

So he is allowing contact with your mother out of spite of you, but doesn't seem to care he is risking his daughter's well being?

I do see why you were defensive before, and why you have had enough! Unfortunately you withdrawing will only hurt your dd, but there's only so much fight, right?

More understandable now we know more. I can why you want it to stop, but I'd want my daughter to know I did everything I could to help her! If her father is that bad, she will see it eventually...and she will need someone in her corner.

Original poster
Inliverpool1 · 23/04/2019 12:44

SS can’t do anything.

You do just think fuck it

OP posts:
youarenotkiddingme · 23/04/2019 17:38

The more you post the more I'm understanding the dynamic.

It sounds like her feelings have been 'given' to her. I doubt at 13 the cats should have been in cattery and dad shouldn't be expected to look after 3 kids and cats cane from here. She's speaking about adult things that don't concern her because they are the adults words she's hung on to.

I agree with the wise posters above about listening to her. Letting her get it all off her chest and then allowing herself to calm. If she had no send or MH problem I'm sure she'll realise one day you didn't do anything wrong. But the truth is she has to work it out for herself rather than you convincing her.

I can see why it's hard to listen to though

mummmy2017 · 23/04/2019 19:04

Crisp, you have had a lot on your plate...
Cats. You tell your D if she asks that her dad knew the cats were there and agreed to care for them, therefore the RSPCA would not be charging you for cruelty to animals but her father....
Ask her if she would be happy with cat poo in her space.

Again her dad was left with the children , agreed to it then left them for 3 days alone.. NSPCC and the police would not be charging you for neglect as they had been left with their father, however if she would like to call the police and report her dad if she feels this needs addressing your willing to go along with that .
Nannies,. You either paid someone to look after the children so you could work, or you were homeless with no food... Leading to the children going into care....
Do not engage in any other reply....
Do not try to justify things. Just repeat the above.