Counseling - just wants to point fingers blame etc

[Inliverpool1]

A family member has been in counselling for a while, I’ve been invited for a family therapy session. Had one previously where I sat and listened to them basically point the finger blame for everything wrong in their life, despite not having been in it for 3 years and generally pick apart the past.
For my own sanity I cannot do this. I will not justify my decisions - I did the best I could at the time with the information I had. It’s now been suggested that I watch behind a screen whilst this person pours her heart out - fine I’m ok with that bit. But then basically it’s my turn and I get kinda interviewed I guess.

And I don’t want to.
I’m over this stuff. It’s staying in the past as far as I’m concerned and that’s that.
Any experiences ?

I have read your posts, but not the ft. I would ask whether the therapist and your relative could make a list of questions, email them to you, and that you would answer them thoughtfully. Explain this is better for you as you would become less emotional, and would be giving a more considered answer. Your relative could then respond and you could reply back to try and clear up any misunderstandings. We all construct our own reality from situations, and you would be trying to use yours to adjust hers and help her. Just my thoughts.

“can you imagine how X felt being left with nanny’s”

What I hear when I read that is not criticism about whether they should have been with nannies, but asking you to have some empathy about how a child would have felt being left in the care of paid help, rather than with their own parent. Of course you have a logical and perfectly valid reason for having nannies. It can also be true that she has some negative feelings about being in that situation, the two don't have to be mutually exclusive.

But actually what does it matter what reason I was at work and they had nanny’s they weren’t in any worse situation than any other kid in childcare. How is that something that requires exploring in counselling?

I'd guess that it's because it's part of the situation that has led to how she feels about you. She's been through the turbulence and hurt of her parents getting divorced, possibly with you being the angry shouty one and him being the calm one. She has had NC with you for 3 months, and so her feeling abandoned/rejected by her mum is a theme she is exploring with her counsellor. She felt abandoned by you when you left her in childcare to go to work, so it's something that's come up in counselling, she sees it as evidence that she is right to feel abandoned by you because "look she abandoned me back then too". It's just another aspect of what she is working through.

Again, it's all the more reason why it's important for you to show up and talk about it calmly. So that she doesn't gather more "evidence that you are still abandoning/rejecting her." So that she gets another perspective of why she was looked after by nannies. So that she gets another perspective of the divorce. Etc.

@LordWheresMyShoes ok that makes sense.

@Mammajay I think that’s the sensible solution for now at least

I dont think the sessions are about blame though I think you can empathise without saying its all your fault eg I think you could approach the nanny thing as:
-asking how having the nanny made her feel and listening
-saying im sorry that having a nanny felt patronising and that she wasnt trusted etc. You can explain why you had a nanny but i think the validating and listening to her feelings is the important part.

As a silly example my parents had to move when i was an awkward age at short notice. Whenever the move was spoken about all they wanted to do was tell me how there was no other choice and that it was better for xyz reason. They were really defensive about it, and could only speak about in terms of why it was essential but the thing is i just wanted them to see how i felt. I wanted to hear "this move must suck for you, whats it like having to change school, it must be hard making friends etc"
and for them to understand how i felt.

I knew the decision was the right one but that didnt mean that also that it sort of sucked for me!

@Britneysfa honestly I’ve spent years doing exactly that. Trying to explain in kids terms why various things happened.

It’s now all been twisted by the other party to justify his behaviour and paint me as the bad guy - was employing nannies my decision alone, of course not, where was he if it was such a concern - you know

What I guess got my heckles up at that moment was that I shouldn’t have needed a bloody nanny he’d fucked off 5 hours away for “work” absolutely fine he is a man after all

But its not about why it happened, but about how she felt.

E.g. yes you had to get a nanny but talking about that she felt abandoned, dismissed or whatever.

In my example its my parents dismissing my feelings because the move was needed. Rather than letting me talk about how difficult it was for me etc.

I knew it was needed i just wanted someone to talk to about how hard it was and that i missed my friends etc rather than keep being told "well its what we had to do'. It can be the right choice but still create difficult emotions

And he’s still doing it now, 6 years post divorce- I don’t know if you saw my other thread but texting me when I’m in client/candidate meetings wanting to know where I am when the 9 year old has been left with a perfectly capable 19 year old.

This is considered acceptable by him and her.

Thats all the reasons why still. Its about feelings
Taking things on face value, a nanny was essential and the only choice but she can still feel dejected by it

@Britneysfa I get that. And we didn’t even get that far because it’s all finger pointing and blaming, maybe that’s the bit we get to later but until that stops I can’t see how we move forward.

@Inliverpool1 on your other thread about the texting (which I agree is way OTT) he was doing that because your 9 year old wasn't happy and was phoning him up (as per your posts) - you need to explore why that is - that is another child telling you they are unhappy and instead of listening and discussing their feelings, you're just offloading on your ex. No he shouldn't be calling you up demanding to know where you are, but your 9 yr old child shouldn't be phoning him upset at being left at home either - you should be exploring why he is doing that if he is so happy to be at home with the 19 year old.

You sit and take it.
You let her get it all out of her system. Don't try to silence her or give reasons. Just listen to her. Acknowledge it is how she feels.
Then, and only then can you help he process it.
She needs to know you have really tried to understand it from her perspective, even if that is different from your own.

The things is that you are likely to see every discussion about your parenting as an attack and finger pointing. This isnt about blame its about her feelings.

Yeah again that’s fair.

In counselling, reality is what the person thinks it is.

Before you have a heart attack! - what happens is, as that person feels heard, their 'reactivity' comes right down and they are then open to considering 'their part to play'.

The trouble is, as you have described, it is very hard to hear and you have to manage your own defensiveness that is a natural response, which then triggers more reactivity!. But if you can? The reactivity goes down and people can meet in the middle.

But ultimately, you are right. At the bottom of all anger, is grief. Grief that life happened when people were making other plans. To constantly vent is to deny the reality and say 'I don't want it to be like that'. You will never be at peace all the time that is happening.

But it is important to process things. I have heard 70 YEAR OLDS be bitter and twisted about long dead people and long gone events. That really were traumatic/unjust/unfair. But they still have power over them because they have not been accepted. What is the use of that?

So I would say, go with the counselling, her reality is not your reality, stay calm, don't react, and maybe she can start moving to a place where she stops blaming and starts taking control of what she can control - herself.

Caveat: you have to have a really good counsellor. What is this person's qualifications? You are entitled to ask.

I forgot to say: all people have good and bad. When people are stuck in 'split thinking' they are unable to appreciate this.

But after you accept (it is what it is), you can start appreciate the good things in the bad family dynamic - that they were doing the best they could considering their own traumas, that there were times of kindness/happy moments etc.

Then you get it into perspective and let go and forgive (free yourself of it). But this is very hard spiritual work.

@ScreamingLadySutch I agree I’ve heard my 70 father bitch about his dead mother when honest to god that woman put up with more from him than would appear humanly possible.

You go there, you sit down, and you tell her the truth. Then you, her mother, deal with the fall out.

I am agog at how you speak about her. It's horrible to read. And yeah, self preservation, but what about the preservation of her mh?

KissMeBunty - her mental health is what we are all trying to preserve yet again keep coming back to “my side of the story” is not going to at least in the short term be pleasant listening for her. If she believes it, which she doesn’t.

Oh boy this is messy...

It is definitely important that you go. It is important that you listen to your daughter and her feelings. It is important that you acknowledge them. It is also a chance for you to get your side across. She might not understand it now but she might when shes older, particularly when she becomes a parent.

My family have been where you are.

DF was abusive (physically and emotionally) towards DSis and DM. Hey separated - DM left him when I was primary school age. But the trauma did not stop there. DSis blamed everything on DM - she was consequently violent to DM. She got depression. She blamed DM for leaving, for taking away the only father she ever knew, for acting inappropriately (she sunk a couple of bottles every night for a while just trying to numb herself I think - I personally wasnt too bothered by it but DSis was).
DSis cut school, constantly argued with DM, she had an EWO over. It was pretty serious.

They went to family counselling and DSis had a chance to vent, to explain her reactions. DM also had a chance to put her side across too. With the counselling service they developed strategies to stop both of them getting so angry. It worked. DSis did very well with her GCSEs in the end.

I know you dont want to bring up the past. I know it seems counterintuitive in some ways. I know it's most likely a highly emotive subject for you that you really dont want to revisit. I know it probably feels like you're having the finger pointed at you for everything going wrong. But your daughter needs you. She needs you to tell her things. It's hard but its essential. In this case, it is important to revisit the past, fill in the blanks (I.e. your side of things), allow her to process and come to her own decisions.

When I read your OP, I thought you were going to be referring to a sibling of yours, an old friend, ex, or perhaps a parent who you are NC/LC with. In which case I'd have said it's your choice, if they aren't in your life what's the point in upsetting yourself if you don't want a relationship, etc.

However. This is your child. You are her mother. You absolutely owe her everything you can give to make sure she's ok.

I'm astonished by your tone when speaking about a fifteen year old. She's a teenager. She doesn't have the benefit of adult reasoning. She's hurting. Whose fault that is doesn't bloody matter, you need to help her!

If you want a hope of any relationship with her you need to put her first, not yourself, and get yourself to the counselling session. Stop being so self absorbed, or do her a favour and never see her or be involved with her again.

@PlinkPlink - do you think now is the right time ? How old was your Dsis when the counseling took place please ?

and tbh he’s a calm quiet man where as I am not tbh, I do react especially when a counsellor who wasn’t there tells me I’m lying.

@Inliverpool1 This ^^ is a problem. Being reactive is NOT helping your daughter. Your posts come across as someone who is invested in point scoring rather than applying emotional intelligence. Your dd is a CHILD. You owe it to her to listen to her worries and not JUDGE them as "wrong", which is all you've been doing so far on this thread. You have constantly dismissed her feelings by contradicting with your "facts" and thus trying to score points. These are the actions of someone completely emotionally unaware.

You would benefit from therapy yourself to learn how to manage your reactive behaviour, and why you react like this.

The consequences of your dismissing, minimising and arguing against your child's feelings could affect her for the rest of her life and all her future adult relationships. You need to step up and take responsibility for your own self.

Right just spoke to cahms. Her feelings are that this does stem from her knowing too much. So not sure what to think now. She’s going to talk to the other parent