What is the norm wrt rent when having a partner move in with you?

[glassofh2o]

DP and I have been dating for a little less than a year now, and we've been talking about moving in together. She'd be moving into my place since it's literally right across the street from her place of work. Thus far, the only other person I've ever had living with me was my ex boyfriend who paid half the rent. That's not quite possible with DP now though, given her salary. She's also said that in the past, none of her ex-girlfriends charged rent since they'd be paying the same if they were living alone anyway. That doesn't sound fair though, does it?

What's the so-called norm when it comes to something like this?

No one is "ganging up" on the OP, "dismissing her concerns" or "attacking her income".

The vast majority of people have been supportive of the OP and said that her girlfriend should be willing to contribute a fair amount (myself included).

However, I have pointed out that her situation is unusual as her income is very high. I (and others) have rightly challenged her for claiming that plenty of other people in their twenties get the same kind of financial help from their parents. No they don't.

I don't like it when people try to minimise how privileged they are.

I also don't think that her girlfriend should take advantage. But I think they both sound a bit selfish / stingy with money tbh, which is crazy (ot perhaps not?) given how much of it they seem to have between them!

As I said before, I don't think it's a good sign for the relationship, I'm afraid.

Okay, having had a good browse through threads discussing situations somewhat similar to mine, I do admit my previous perception as to what's "normal" is probably pretty skewed. Colleagues aside, my friendship circle mainly consists of schoolmates turned uni-mates, and as a few of them do receive parental funding as well (some for startups, some for property, some for investments etc), I assumed that practice wasn't all that unusual. Not an excuse, just an explanation.

Sigh tangent, but wrt the job thing. Can't give details obviously but if you look at software/ML engineering jobs at Facebook, for instance, you'll see similar (or better) numbers for "entry-level" positions.

Thank you all for your replies. I may not always agree but I do appreciate the angle.

I'm honestly not having a go at you, OP. But you probably should investigate life outside your bubble at some point. I doubt if more than 0.1% of the population have the sort of financial support you have. And if that hadn't really crossed your mind until now, it demonstrates how out of touch with 'normal' life you are. I'm not remotely resentful, but it does seem odd that you've never questioned this until now.

I don't know how your career and life options will progress, but it's really important I think, that you understand what other people's lives are like. I've never earned more than 40% of what you do, despite having been a succesful professional for 40 years. But I know that even I occupy a bubble, and try to make sure I pop out of it and involve myself in activities and voluntary work that extend it andkeep me grounded and thankful.

Lecture over!

40%? I mean 25%!

I can see how one could become blinkered to what's "unusual" depending on the circles you move in. I've always sounded posher than I am so people from uni would say things to me thinking I'd think they were normal when I really didn't. Items include: parents buying a house in London for them after uni, parents subsidising their income for years while they work in the arts, a trust fund so they can work at a charity without worrying about money, university fees and living expenses all paid as just viewed as a few more years of school fees, and so on and so forth.

It's a very handy position to be in, and regular gifting out of income makes sense for inheritance tax purposes, so I can see why they do it.

I think I would probably be looking at what would be reasonable given that if you weren't on such a high income you might well choose to live somewhere cheaper.

I have paid £650 bills and rent on £1500 take home (with food costs on top) and run a car, taken holidays and still been able to save. So her suggestion is clearly absurd.

I would be tempted to think £500-600 plus food seems about right given the huge income disparity, but I might be being overly generous to her.

I assume you went to private school, as some of your "schoolmates" still get financial support from their parents, and parents who can afford to bankroll children into their twenties are most probably parents who could afford to send those children to private school.

6.5% of the UK population goes to private school. Of those, not everyone will have parents who can/will provide financial support into their twenties even after they get very well paid jobs.

You sound intelligent so I'm surprised that it hasn't occurred to you that life is different for people outside your bubble!

Does your girlfriend have a similar background to yours? You mentioned debts so I doubt it?

saraclara No, I get it - I completely understand where you're coming from. Thank you for the advice. I might start looking into Sunday volunteering programs. Something to do with a food bank, perhaps.

@glassofh2o
It's very sweet of you to take my post so well. Good luck to you.

AnotherEmma I was a boarder at public school.

I guess I've known theoretically that my bubble wasn't as big as I thought it was, but have always had trouble reconciling it with what I see in my day to day life. Probably a terribly childish/flawed way of looking at the world, I know. I also no longer have the excuse of "being young" but I guess it's never too late to at least put more thought in things before I become more entrenched in a world solely comprised of that which I'm familiar/comfortable with.

Sorry btw for my previous post. Was very "snappy" earlier today and reading back, those posts definitely came off harsher than I intended them to be!

Oh as to your last question, no, completely different background.

I have split rent and bills 50:50 but have never been in a position where there was such a difference in income. It is also something that is often staged - move in together almost like flatmates, then if that works, decide if you want to share finances.

What happened to a friend of mine was that the other person (a friend not a partner) always made excuses about not paying the rent but strangely enough always could afford new clothes. The purchase of a leather jacket while not paying the gas bill eventually put an end to things!

Living at home, your girlfriend is also fortunate in that she is not in the same position as someone who is paying commercial rent. If she moves in with you, she will save on commuting time and costs so, while you are very fortunate, she is also better off than many people her age.

If you do both decide to move in together and share the household costs, you will need to reach a definite arrangement (eg direct debit/standing order), not just something informal until you decide if you want to be together in the long term.

Most young people in London flat share and she could find that with a partner for 275 each.

For rent, bills and food? Can you tell us exactly where that is happening?

OP you dont need to justify your income or what your parents give you. This isn't about how much you earn etc, it's about someone you're with being able to but not paying her way. If you had suggested it based on tour income then fair enough, but to tell you from the outset that she's only prepared to pay you a pittance so you're basically subsidising her means she's taking advantage of you.

It doesn't matter if the OP Is well off. Her GF sounds like a complete freeloader! She needs to get into the real world and realise she needs to pay her wayin life. As you earn/receive considerably more, it wouldn't be unreasonable to subsidise her a bit, but with her CF attitude, she's just taking the piss.

I've been giving my daughter regular monthly income since she was 14, just like a salary. If she ran out it was her problem. She asked for it early one month I said no but would make a loan at 10% interest.

She's now 21, really manages money well, is at Uni, works and saves. She doesn't live at home.

I know that the money is worth more to her now than if I die and the taxman will take it

You have wise parents OP and a freeloading gf

There is a big issue here with the massive disparity between you and your girlfriend in terms of your backgrounds, incomes and financial situations which is, IMO, much more complex than your original question.

People from extremely different backgrounds can have successful long term relationships but there will always be issues with family, friends, finances, values and expectations, and these will need to be handled with sensitivity.

There is a power imbalance in your relationship. You need to talk less about the “rent” (which in itself is a word which encapsulates her subordinate position), and more about you can equalise your relationship.

I’m sort of picking up a bit of a vibe that you doubt this will be a long term thing, that you are enjoying it for now but are probably not going to commit. In that case, if you want to move her in for your temporary pleasure and convenience, it seems a bit mean to make her pay for it. If you feel that the relationship might go the distance, you need to stop fixating on “rent” and address the underlying issues.

50/50 - why would anyone think it would be anything else?

I would have reservations about someone who didn'! Not the best way to start a serious relationship expecting not to pay their own way. Certainly not someone you should then consider remaining with for long!

I completely agree with HeddaGarbled.

50/50 just isn't doable where there's such a huge disparity in income. If the person already resident is paying 2k a month, and 1k is double the other's maximum budget, it can't work.

I'd look at how much an average rent is in an ok area and do half of that plus half bills and food. She can't be expected to match your higher lifestyle but she can be expected to pay reasonable living expenses.

I'm also interested to know how you currently fund meals out/days out etc. Do you pay it all?

Ooh, how manipulative. Nothing like telling you how her exes didn't charge her, to make you feel unreasonable!

I'd reply, 'well none of my exes expected a free ride'.

Watch yourself, OP.

And c'mon, you're a big grown up now, so surely you don't need these handouts from your parents?!

And c'mon, you're a big grown up now, so surely you don't need these handouts from your parents?! 

Hope the OP is grown up enough not to care about your opinion. If the parents have plenty of money perhaps they want to give their money away.

We give our adult kids regular money. They don't need it but it's actually a good way of ensuring you minimise inheritance tax. Not sure of the details but if you make regular payments to your kids out of your income it's exempt from inheritance tax or something like that.

I want to give as little as possible to the tax man.

In this situation the girlfriend seems to be very entitled and spoiled and greedy, BUT if they were to go 50/50 they would have to move to a flat that the poorer woman could afford.