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Original poster

What is the norm wrt rent when having a partner move in with you?

185 replies

glassofh2o · 20/04/2019 19:12

DP and I have been dating for a little less than a year now, and we've been talking about moving in together. She'd be moving into my place since it's literally right across the street from her place of work. Thus far, the only other person I've ever had living with me was my ex boyfriend who paid half the rent. That's not quite possible with DP now though, given her salary. She's also said that in the past, none of her ex-girlfriends charged rent since they'd be paying the same if they were living alone anyway. That doesn't sound fair though, does it?

What's the so-called norm when it comes to something like this?

OP posts:
PinkBlueStripes · 21/04/2019 10:17

Thanks for providing all the salient information eventually OP [grins]

Most young people in London flat share and she could find that with a partner for 275 each. Assuming she knows you want to move abroad, and neither of you know how the next 6 months will pan out, I can't see how you can ask more of her.

InceyWinceyette · 21/04/2019 10:17

So she gets free board and lodging from her Mum, you get double your entire income from your Mum and Dad...

I do agree that everyone should pay their way according to what it costs, unless one party has chosen to upgrade beyond the reach of the other. In which case their choice, their bill.

Who most wants to change to a live in arrangement?

Does she spend lots of time in your flat anyway?

Does she want independence (from parents) and proximity to work, do you want a girlfriend to keep you company and entertained til you emigrate?

Should you actually live together? Like partners? Like each other’s family, aka a couple?

InceyWinceyette · 21/04/2019 10:18

“Unfortunately, her finding out was an accident - I religiously make excel sheets for everything and she somehow stumbled upon it when she borrowed my laptop one afternoon. “

Yeah right, that kind of accident....

Original poster
glassofh2o · 21/04/2019 10:21

Have you told your girlfriend about that plan?

Yes. We've discussed this briefly about less than a month ago, and the conclusion was that she's excited for a "new start" since she hates her current workplace, and doesn't really speak much to her family anyway. She's also said that she'd start job-hunting in the new area once I've made concrete arrangements with my current company.

If you're aiming for an overseas posting I wouldn't go to the bother of moving in together. Why would you?

Why not? From my perspective at least, moving in seems logical because:

  1. We're both homebodies and prefer to stay indoors most of the time. I love cooking, eating at home, and I know I'll get mocked for this (happened before on this site) but I genuinely prefer spending my weekends at home away from crowds. She's the same way and moving in together will make things run a lot "smoother".
  1. Her mum's place is 30 mins away, and it seems like a complete waste of time for her to finish work, make the trip home to grab clothes/shower/etc, before coming back to mine once I'm done with work (sometimes a couple of hours later).
  1. She doesn't really enjoy living with her mum and I enjoy her company so from this standpoint at least, it's a win-win.

Wrt the plans to move overseas, it's happening probably months from now. And so, our view on that is that we're both (relatively) young, with no kids and no obligations, so we thought we'd see how things go first before making any solid plans.

OP posts:
Original poster
glassofh2o · 21/04/2019 10:24

so we thought we'd see how things go first before making any solid plans.

Should've clarified. This refers to our take on the relationship for these couple of months, not the move specifically.

OP posts:
Ella1980 · 21/04/2019 10:27

When my bf moved in to my rented we did half each for rent-that worked out at £350 each. We are both low earners. Then we also shared bills. Do you know how much she earns? I think her figure is waaaaaay too low personally!

Easterbunnynearlyhere · 21/04/2019 10:31

If she won't support herself you are basically replacing her dm. That's hardly attractive op....

Ella1980 · 21/04/2019 10:31

Have just read re her take-home pay pm. OMG! She is being ridiculous! My pay is around £1k pm, OH around £1,500. I also have two kids half of the time.

Ella1980 · 21/04/2019 10:32

And definitely no Bank of Mum and Dad!!!

Trills · 21/04/2019 10:34

This attitude would really worry me, and would make me rethink our relationship.

I don't think I could relate to someone who would not only be happy to live rent-free (and not even pay for groceries) but would suggest it.

We'd not have enough in common for it to work out.

AnotherEmma · 21/04/2019 10:35

Oh so she's going to move overseas with you?

If you can't even agree on how to share rent/bills for the next few months, I can't see how moving abroad together is going to work, but there you go.

Ella1980 · 21/04/2019 10:37

Why are you taking money from your mum and dad in the first place if your joint income is that???!!!

ittakes2 · 21/04/2019 10:39

If she pays rent now she should pay you what she has been paying.

Middersweekly · 21/04/2019 10:39

@OP I would just cut your losses, you want to move abroad. Your GF will not have the finances to support herself enough to go with you. You see everything as temporary so why bother moving the GF in if it’s for a 6 month period of less? Either way it’s not fair to waste your GF’s time and it’s not fair for her to use you as a cash cow!

Original poster
glassofh2o · 21/04/2019 10:43

Oh so she's going to move overseas with you?

I really don't know at this point. We're still somewhat in the "honeymoon phase" (or at least I am) and when we're talking, everything she says sounds lovely. It's only when I'm by myself and properly start spreadsheeting that things don't feel as "perfect".

OP posts:
PinkiOcelot · 21/04/2019 10:44

Those aghast at OP getting money off her parents, surely it’s just getting some of her inheritance early?!
OP, I wouldn’t let her move in. She’s taking the piss!

AnotherEmma · 21/04/2019 11:03

I'm afraid I'm struggling to get my head around this. It just seems so strange for the OP to have such a high salary (the average salary for women aged 22-29 is £23,920, that's about £1600/month net) and also get her salary MATCHED by her parents.

I mean, you can easily afford your rent and bills, you don't need your girlfriend to contribute, but I suppose when you're so rich you need to be careful of the risk that people might take advantage.

It's a very weird one, though.

AndNoneForGretchenWieners · 21/04/2019 11:13

When I lived with my ex, it was just me on the tenancy agreement because our landlord didn't approve of "living over the broom" and refused to acknowledge that there were two of us, despite us viewing the flat together and being very clear we were going to live together. Unfortunately this worked against me when the relationship turned violent and abusive, because my ex wasn't liable for any rent, never paid any bills (was on a debt management plan from before we met and convinced me that they took all of his wages) and then took out loans and credit cards in my name before running off.

When I met DH, I was skint, couldn't afford my rent because of all the debt i hsd been left with, and moved in with him almost immediately. He suggested that we make his bank account a joint account, and so my wages went in there, and we pooled everything. What was left after bills and rent was there for whichever of us needed it. We then bought our first home and while he got the mortgage in his name because of my credit rating being shot, we never differentiated between his money and mine, everything was in one place.

If joint accounts aren't for you, OP, then I think you need to agree some easy of splitting expenses. Because while you would still be paying rent if you lived alone, your other expenses wouldn't be as high (utilities, food, etc) so you would have more money to pay towards the rent in the first place.

RiversDisguise · 21/04/2019 11:24

Cough bollocks cough

Hearhere · 21/04/2019 11:32

She seems to think that you are running a charity?

Original poster
glassofh2o · 21/04/2019 11:33

It just seems so strange for the OP to have such a high salary (the average salary for women aged 22-29 is £23,920, that's about £1600/month net)

I work at a major tech firm and it's really not an unusual salary. I mean, there are interns (male and female) who make between £3-4K pcm to put things into perspective. That's not the point of my initial post though.

OP posts:
AnotherEmma · 21/04/2019 11:34

That was only half of my sentence that you quoted

I was saying it is very unusual to earn so much AND get the same amount from your parents

Original poster
glassofh2o · 21/04/2019 11:39

I was saying it is very unusual to earn so much AND get the same amount from your parents

It's not unusual for people in their 20s to receive money from a fund set up by their parents to travel, tide them over while they find a job they love, give them a kick-start in life etc. Again, really not the point of my initial post.

OP posts:
EL8888 · 21/04/2019 11:40

What she paid or didn’t pay with her ex’s is neither her nor there. 50/50 or proportionate % contribution is the fairest way surely? It's not your fault that you are debt free. She doesn't earn much less than me and my overheads are way higher than £220pm and l survive

MyDcAreMarvel · 21/04/2019 12:18

It's not unusual for people in their 20s to receive money from a fund set up by their parents to travel, tide them over while they find a job they love, give them a kick-start in life etc.
Yes it is, you are not a student or an intern. I feel embarrassed for you, grow up.