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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Positive signs you’d found a keeper.

233 replies

Whodafeck · 17/04/2019 13:13

Inspired by another thread.

Small things, or maybe larger, that meant you knew you’d got a decent caring person.

I’ll start.

On our second date.

I’d made a balls of flights and ended up coming into a different airport. He drove 80 miles each way to pick me up and took me to dinner.

Fourth date. Got up at 5am to drop me to an early train. I was going to get an Uber or walk (it was only a 5-10 min walk).

OP posts:
SouthernComforts · 17/04/2019 22:07

Early days for me but a couple of good signs so far:

A month in we were supposed to be going for a nice pub lunch, I lost track of time and he arrived to me trying to pull a dining table apart with a screwdriver, in my scruffs, sweating my back out. He disappeared, came back with a drill, took it apart, loaded it into his car and took it to the tip while I had a shower.

He recently went on a work trip to a place famous for chocolate, which I don't really eat (prefer savoury). He mentioned bringing me some chocolate back, I thought 'does he not listen?' But said 'oh lovely, thanks'. He actually brought me back a gift basket of cheese! Tastes gorgeous but it absolutley STINKS and he had to travel with it in his hand luggage Blush

hungryhungry · 17/04/2019 22:20

Loads. Tonight he walked 2.5 miles after a really long day at work to meet me in a traffic jam! We have two preschoolers and he wanted to either walk them back, relieve me or keep us company in our 4 hour journey that should have taken twenty minutes. Surprised me at the window of the car! X

AndNoneForGretchenWieners · 17/04/2019 22:34

I've just thought about something else more recent, which shows he still loved me even after all this time. I work in London but live in the Midlands, and he sometimes took the hour long train journey and then half hour tube journey just to surprise me by being outside my office when I finished work. We would then go for something to eat at my club, stroll to the South Bank, then have cocktails and get the last train home. These were never planned so I could never be sure when to expect him. It was so lovely.

Poddingtonp · 17/04/2019 22:39

Carries my bags for me if I’m ever shopping with him or running errands

cheaperthebetter · 17/04/2019 22:59

Loving this thread 🥰🥰🥰

My Ex was thoughtful (so I thoughtHmm) but there was always some reason behind his kindness and thoughtfulness (he needed money or was just after a good sex session but the sex was all about himHmm)
Sorry to be a passion killer Confused

Oh I hope I find one 🤞..🙏..😄

RamblinRosie · 17/04/2019 23:49

Married over 35 years, together 40.

I knew he was the one when I fell asleep on a train and ended up miles from home with no way to get back ‘til the 6am train. He drove a three hour round trip at midnight to collect me, and never told me what an idiot I was.

He’s not into chocolates and flowers, and his father used to ring him each year to remind him of my birthday! He travels a lot and brings me back random presents; cheese, smoked salmon, earrings, a purse “because I thought you’d like it”.

BUT he brings me coffee in bed. If I’m ill, he’ll turn himself inside out to make me feel better, he scoured Phnom Penh for rehydration salts when I got food poisoning. If I get a cold he’s straight out for cold medicines, bringing me Lemsip and honey, then cooking whatever I fancy for dinner.

He sous chefs for me most evenings and if there’s something I want to watch on TV that clashes with football, he goes upstairs and watches on the PC.

He worries about the cats and cries with me when they die.

He’s always helpful, kind and generous to family, friends and neighbors.

He’s always been proud and publicly supportive of my career(s). He values my opinions and technical skills. He sees, and treats, me as an equal.

He occasionally does the big gesture, which is always lovely, but it’s the constant little gestures that make all the difference.

In 40 years he’s always been kind to me, frequently infuriating, but always kind.

In short he’s a nice, caring, human being. Not surprisingly, so was his father, and are his two brothers.

No woman should ever settle for less!

FranklySonImTheGaffer · 18/04/2019 00:23

After 'seeing each other' for just a few weeks (we were teenagers), he didn't hesitate in defending me when some sleaze was being awful to me.

Also years ago, he tucked me up in his bed (while we both lived with parents), provided Doritos, chocolate and a drink then sat downstairs for an hour so I could watch the last ever Friends episode when it aired (I was a big fan and he didn't like the show at all).

He drove for 90minutes in the night then sat in his car for 20 minutes so he could knock on my student house bedroom door at exactly 12:01am on our first anniversary.

He lets me steal some of his curry when we have a take away, gives me the best of whatever we're eating, rubs my neck when it hurts and has basically taken my family on his own.

He has sat through Legally Blonde, 2 Harry Potter films, 2 musicals, numerous episodes of CSI, Criminal Minds and Gilmore Girls and a Jamie Cullum gig despite not being a fan of any of these things.

The best thing though is that he is genuinely baffled by my lack of confidence in myself. When I say I can't do something / am nervous / am worried about putting myself forward for something, he just reacts as though I am clearly able to do whatever it is, completely confident in my ability. It's so sweet and helps me massively.

Just to balance it out - while he's lovely, he also makes a lot of noise no matter what he's doing and shouts at sport in his first language and sometimes forgets to switch when talking to me - despite knowing I don't understand which is infuriating!

Bunnylady53 · 18/04/2019 00:44

A couple of years ago this thread would have made me despair because I had gone through quite a few years of what I eventually realised was verbal & emotional abuse from DH. I should have left him. But now I am so glad I didn’t because he’s like a different man. He has worked so so hard to turn things around & to try to prove that he can be a great husband & Dad. I love him more now than when we first got together.

PhoneRecords · 18/04/2019 01:26

Before we got together, I was chatting on WhatsApp with DP and he said from talking to me in person, he could see I was in pain and wanted to do something about it.

Another time we were out for a walk And came to a really muddy bit that I couldnt avoid, And DP didn't hesitate and picked me up and carried me over it.

We dog sat for a friend and he brought me tea in bed before he left to talk the dog early then when he got back brought me toast in bed.

It's early days but he is definitely a keeper.

PixiKitKat · 18/04/2019 05:27

When it was a few weeks in to the relationship I came on my period overnight in his bed. I thought I'd leaked and he just said 'its fine I can put it in the wash' he wasn't bothered at all! I felt so embarrassed but it wasn't a big deal to him. I hadn't leaked but his reaction told me he was a keeper.

He also gives me the better food when he does tea, so I get the less burnt chips or the better piece of salmon. He doesn't see it as romantic but I do!

ZigZaggyZoo · 18/04/2019 07:10

Lovely thread! Been with DH 10 years. Lots of little things. He always has a drink ready for me when I come in for work. He'll de-ice the car while I'm getting ready for work. He'll remember to switch the heated blanket on 10 mins before bed, even though he doesn't like having it on 💙

afrikat · 18/04/2019 07:20

Love this thread

Before my DH and I got together we were part of the same friendship group but I'd never really looked at him like that. One night some pizzas were in the oven and he asked me if I wanted him to use a different utensil to get mine out as it was vegetarian. It doesn't sound like much but I just thought it was so thoughtful and I suddenly 'noticed' him.

Since then he's shown himself to be one of the most thoughtful and considerate people I've ever met, I feel very fortunate to be with him.

DoctorDread · 18/04/2019 07:32

So many lovely things. But recently - staying with me all night in hospital in spite of the fact he has to leave for work at 6am. Bringing me food at 10pm when I'm on a deadline and haven't eaten and then going home to let me Get on. Coming to see exhibitions of my work even though he's absolutely knackered. Coming round to fix my broadband. He's bloody lovely.

theculture · 18/04/2019 07:42

Soon after we got together he suggested I brought over some trackie bottoms to his house to wear whilst curling up on the sofa watching films etc (for several reasons his place was cosier so we mainly hung out there)

I realized that I trusted him enough to be totally me with him - I had always tried to be a bit perfect girlfriend/people pleaser in previous relationships

Horsesforcourses23 · 18/04/2019 08:48

Ah, I love this so much :-)

He warms my side of the bed up and let's me put his cold feet on him and never complains about it.

Also brings snacks.

Its tiny things he does that give me all the feels

pudding21 · 18/04/2019 10:00

I don't know if he is a "keeper" yet for sure as its quite early days (started as FWB, more serious for the last 6 months). I am cautious because of an ex abusive relationship but:

He is an amazing cook and will pull anything out the fridge and create something at the drop of a hat. Once he realised I had not had dinner so at 10pm cooked a stir fry for me even though he had already eaten.

If I want chocolate he will happily start making a chocolate cake late in the evening for me (he makes amazing cakes).

He offered to shave my legs and painted my toe nails for me.

He offered to go get my mum from the airport even though it would mean 3 hours out of his day.

I had a whopping electric bill and am struggling a bit financially, he sat down for hours and worked out the energy output of all my appliances, and how to reduce the usage of each one without even asking.

He has spent the last 6 months perfecting how I like my cups of tea, even though he doesn't drink tea.

A couple of months ago he found out when we were FWB in the summer (we were not exclusive and he was occasionally seeing someone else) that I had a thing with one of his friends (I hadn't met them as friends, I didn't know they were that close). Basically he borrowed an old iphone which I had cleared but was linked to my icloud, I backed up my new phone and it backed up his which meant he saw my text messages to said friend. He freaked out a tiny bit initially, but we sat talked about it, cleared the air and he has never mentioned it again. Everything is cool now. It actually made us closer together. He would never use it against me, or bring it up, compared to my ex that is a huge one!

He hates Game of Thrones but before the new series I binged watched the last few series again. He sat and watched it with me, and when I asked him if he wanted me to turn it over he said "no, leave it on, I like that you enjoy it".

Every time we have dinner at my house, even if he bought and cooked the meal he will thank me. He literally says "thank you for the amazing meal" and when I say "well you cooked and bought it", he will say it doesn't matter, its because its in my space it counts.

He always makes sure that I am satisfied in the bedroom first, he says giving me pleasure is what its all about and that gives him pleasure. He is an amazing lover.

He tells me to sleep well every night. He told me he thought I was a prefect mum when I was having a crisis of confidence with my kids.

There are some things that might drive me insane in the future as he can be quite disorganised, scruffy and messy, but I know in his core he is a wonderful man who truly respects and loves women.

daphine2004 · 18/04/2019 10:08

@Babcoc I’m in tears at 10am. Beautiful. He truly was amazing x

Pinkprincess1978 · 18/04/2019 10:44

About 5 months into dating we were on a night out with others at Christmas time. I wasn't feeling great as we left and didn't finish any drink in any pub (so wasn't drunk) At about 10pm I was feeling more ill and then slipped on a wet floor and knocked a load of drinks all over me so he decided to take me home.

I wanted to get the bus as I'm tight fisted but he insisted on a taxi. Thank goodness as we were not back at mine long when I stated to throw up in the bin. I had to carry the bin across the bed (to go and empty it) dripping sick across him (it was a wicker bin 😂). He still married me though 😀

wowl · 18/04/2019 10:55

A few months in, he'd been away visiting his parents for a few days and his plane back got in at 10.30pm. He texted me when he got off and mentioned he was going to swing by a shop for some milkshake on his way home. I said something like "Oh, jealous, I'd kill for a milkshake right now!"

When he got home at 11.45pm he texted me again to say to look on my doorstep. He'd driven 40 mins out of his way late at night to leave a bottle there for me! I couldn't believe it, it was so sweet.

This is outing, but for our first valentine's day he turned his living room into a Paris bistro for me, complete with a 'window' and a projected 'view' of Paris, and cooked me dinner.

He is amazing with my son and treats him as his own. He is always hilarious, and regularly brags about me to his colleagues and people from his hobby. He's so proud of anything I 'achieve' and is so proud that we're together.

He's a romantic git, but every day he's unfailingly kind and generous. If I'm having a bad day he's always there for me, when I'm hormonal and upset for no reason he listens to me cry and rant and never ever ever makes me feel like I'm being remotely unreasonable - even though afterwards I always realise that I was being!

In a previous life I dated selfish gits who treated me terribly. DP inspires me to be the best version of myself. He's incredible, and a revelation, and I am so so lucky Smile

EmrysAtticus · 18/04/2019 11:32

Had a UTI at work. He used his lunch break to bring me meds and cake. Also when on a night out I threw up all over myself and he got all my clothes cleaned and dried overnight.

Whatam1doing · 18/04/2019 12:16

Name change as this is totally identifiable..my dp of 5 years is totally blind has been 20 odd years but he makes me coffee in the morning when i stay at his, sends me texts every morning to wish me a nice day, calls most evenings to chat about the day. Makes me feel looked after and cherished in a way I’ve never felt before despite being married 23 years..

Whatam1doing · 18/04/2019 12:19

Oh and for my last big birthday he told me I was going on holiday to a European city but wouldn’t tell me where..and when we got there he’d arranged for my best mate to meet us as a surprise ..I hadn’t seen her for 4 years.

Lovingmy40s · 18/04/2019 13:06

After a month of dating, we both had to be away for work, my location was 5 hrs away, his 3 hrs away, with 2.5 hrs between them. He drove me up to my location, and stayed with me the 3 nights, driving 2.5 hrs back and forth to his location every day!
so much more since then....3 years and going
Lovely post...reminded me of the all lovely things we should not forget

LocalBadGal · 18/04/2019 13:59

He wiped my bum for me after surgery when I couldn’t reach!

PanGalaticGargleBlaster · 18/04/2019 14:20

He wiped my bum for me after surgery when I couldn’t reach!

Now that's true love!

Front to back or back to front?