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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Dating thread 155 - Spring lovin'

999 replies

supercali77 · 16/04/2019 05:52

Dating thread rules:

  1. The first rule about the dating thread is you don't talk about it with people you're dating.
  2. Develop a thick skin.
  3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
  4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
  5. Trust your gut instinct.
  6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
  7. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you.
  8. If it's not fun, stop.
  9. Loo update is mandatory.
10. No dating the thread. 11. Do unto others as you would have them do to you.

And a reminder - you don't know them until you know them!

Link to Info on Dating Websites & Apps www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3514717-List-of-Dating-Site-Info-Dating-Thread?watched=1

OP posts:
Bluezoo123 · 17/04/2019 08:17

You’re

vwman · 17/04/2019 08:18

@Sunshineandflipflops sound like he want a BDSM Dom/Sub relationship. But he is taking it far too quickly as that type of relationship is built up on trust and discussion over the longer term. No one is going to agree to be tied up on a 2nd meeting in the bedroom. You should tell him that you would prefer vanilla sex until you get to know him better and develop trust

shitwithsugaron · 17/04/2019 08:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Marlboroandmalbec34 · 17/04/2019 08:44

I also hate been told that someone has a high sex drive. Surely it’s all subjective? You might think you have a high sex drive but compared to mine it might be low!

sunshine do what you feel comfortable with. If you want to take your vibrator on your next date do so but make sure it’s your decision

ccgirr · 17/04/2019 08:46

Sunshine- his question would make me think he wants you to ask him back and it could be quite specific.
Supercali - did you respond to rude elephant man? Forgot his ‘real’ name!

Peanuthedz · 17/04/2019 08:46

@Sunshineandflipflops me too. Immediately makes my mind go blank. Like being asked what music I like or my favourite books. I've got an opinion it just disappears under pressure. And depends on my mood. And the person.

The summer is definitely dating season. I stopped totally in autumn. Nothing like a donning a frock and a beer garden. @supercali77 I think everyone comes out of the woodwork in the sunshine so you might even enjoy the swiping.

Sunshineandflipflops · 17/04/2019 08:49

I don't think he's angling for BDSM or anything if I'm honest, I think he just wants to make sure I enjoy myself but I feel like the more effort he puts into that, the more pressure is on me!

He admitted last night that he and his ex wife didn't have sex for the last 12 years of their marriage so I guess he has unexplored desires, which is understandable. I think I am going to have to be honest though and just say I'd like to take things slowly and naturally and explore together, rather than send him a list of likes and dislikes (as I don't have one!).

I'm not sure sex would ever be 'vanilla' with him!

Marlboroandmalbec34 · 17/04/2019 09:09

Just realised I have been old since start of Feb and have not had a 2nd date with anyone.

I only liked Mr Tall enough to arrange a 2nd and then he became stalkerish. I asked him to calm it and he then ghosted me

Mr Big doesn’t count as we don’t actually date

Bring out the tiny violins

vwman · 17/04/2019 09:37

@Sunshineandflipflops I absolutely get him as I have a similar background, staying with someone as they were my best friend without sex for a similar time, and I am not the sort of guy that cheated either because it would have hurted my best friend.

If I am inside his head as I think I might be, I do suspect he does have these desires otherwise he would not have mentioned boundaries. He also perhaps feels a need to prove to himself that he can totally satisfy a woman after his experience with his wife as that hurt his ego which made him pull away from his wife and disconnect from her. Perhaps his wife didn't allow him to be the man in the relationship and criticised him and he never got back from that. That could be a clue to you as to how to satisfy him.

Neverexpected2 · 17/04/2019 09:42

marlboro I've been on since start of Jan too and not been on a second date with anyone either - haven't wanted to 🤷‍♀️

Sods law though that I've now had a first date and arranged second dates with two irons 🤦‍♀️ why did they have to come along at same time 🙈

cattycattycat · 17/04/2019 09:48

Delurking ... been reading this thread on and off for years, as own marriage broke down and I started a new relationship.

vwman Perhaps his wife didn't allow him to be the man in the relationship and criticised him

What utter sexist nonsense. By implication you are suggesting a better woman would be more submissive and never critical?

One thing I have learned from mumsnet is that good relationships are based on mutual respect not sexist role playing.

lifegoes · 17/04/2019 09:54

Sunshine agree I dislike being asked this question but because I can't give an answer. As for me it depends on mood and who I'm with. So that's what I tend to say.

It doesn't put me off them, as there could be numerous reasons why they are asking and mainly I believe it's so they don't do something you def don't like.

You have your boundaries which is good, I would say go and enjoy it. Sometimes the best sex comes when you least expect it. I've taken toys with me before and the sex has been that good they were totally forgot about.

Chocolate123 · 17/04/2019 09:56

@vwman they are in the early stage of their relationship so should go with the flow and enjoy getting to know each other. She shouldn't need clues to satisfy him

LilyRose88 · 17/04/2019 10:01

Sunshine I don't like being asked too early on about my tastes in the bedroom as it has varied with different partners. I prefer to see how things develop, but I do always make it clear what my boundaries are.

So I am having a real wobble around Mr Outdoors. There are two things that have been bothering me about our 'relationship'. Firstly (and something I have not mentioned on here before as I thought it might be a bit outing) he is 15 years younger than me. And secondly, he lives a long drive away (at least an hour if you drive quickly) and the drive involves a lot of winding country lanes which are unlit. I am a real town driver and am terrified of driving down country lanes in the daytime, let alone the dark or in bad weather. I hadn't realised quite how bad the journey was until he collected me on Saturday for our weekend date. Now my foot is a bit better, I am supposed to be driving to his this weekend, and I really don't want to. There is no public transport link from me to him.It is not just the drive, but also the fact that if we want to see each other at the weekend it means a long drive and an overnight stay. I commute to work during the week, and get up early in the morning and don't get home until 7pm. So my weekends are my time to go to the gym, go for a run and catch up on the housework. I will not have time to fit all this in if I drive to him and stay over, or he drives to me and stays over.

I am beginning to think that it is better to end it now before we get too attached to each other, as it just doesn't seem like it will work out. He has no plans to move for quite a while as he has just bought his house and is planning to renovate it, and I am happy living where I am.

Does this sound like I am over thinking things? I normally only date guys that live within a 5 mile radius, or 10 miles if they are on the same train line as me. I would welcome your views on this. He is lovely and I could see me getting very fond of him, but the age gap and the distance just seem to be too much.

vwman · 17/04/2019 10:09

Men have very fragile egos which a lot of women don't recognise and a fact they will never admit. Mr SAS man probably has a tough persona because he has a soft centre. They want to satisfy you and be the best husband/partner they can be. But they are not perfect. Just tell them what you want and allow them to deliver but do not criticise if he fails to do so, as he is not perfect. If you do so you will hurt his masculine self, he will feel that he is not good enough for you and withdraw from you into his cave sometimes never to come out again leading to a relationship breakdown.

Peanuthedz · 17/04/2019 10:12

@LilyRose88 mr Unsuitable is 15 years younger. One of the reasons he is Unsuitable. Ok it's the main reason. But it's going well. I'm not overthinking and enjoying it. And actually the age difference means we are more forgiving of each other's stuff I think. Having said that I can't see how it would turn into a long LTR. But it might. Or it might run its course.

I get you in terms of travel. I have little child free time and I found that with other men my time doing my hobby/running my life was more important than seeing my date. With him I've relaxed a bit on the hobby and let other stuff slip because I like him. Having said that he lives half an hour away on public transport. You will get used to the drive. If you want to!

Peanuthedz · 17/04/2019 10:13

@vwman men and their fragile egos. 🙄

putastrawunderbaby · 17/04/2019 10:14

@vwman patronising sexist shite

Peanuthedz · 17/04/2019 10:14

@LilyRose88 what I'm trying to say is you're having an early wobble. Could be about transport or anything really. But it's your nervousness kicking in. You'll know whether it's genuine or just The Fear soon enough

Peanuthedz · 17/04/2019 10:16

@putastrawunderbaby thank you. I didn't want to be the first to say something along those lines.

cattycattycat · 17/04/2019 10:18

It does make you wonder why men who spout this nonsense try doing it on a predominantly women's site.

Original poster
supercali77 · 17/04/2019 10:19

@batshitcrazywoman & @ccgirr –I haven’t been swiping again yet! As far as he knew we were still exclusive. So, I sent a message this morning saying it wasn’t working and broadly why. He asked to meet tomorrow to understand exactly what happened. Said I’m the closest thing to an ideal partner he’s met. I said … that really wasn’t the impression he gave at all …words are cheap as we all know. Anyway, I agreed after some back and forth to meet tomorrow and talk it over. Neutral place no drinks. Shrug. Let’s see what he has to say but I’ll have my critical cap on.

@CocoKoko123 yes! Sorry to hear you've been through this too.

@Sunshineandflipflops I totally get your point there. It feels like signing a contract or similar....pressure when really exploration is very much an in-person lived experience. I guess you just have to see?

OP posts:
vwman · 17/04/2019 10:20

@Peanuthedz yes, which is why they are three times more likely than women to commit suicide because they cannot cope with it

Chocolate123 · 17/04/2019 10:21

@vwman all about the man and his ego that's why so many women would rather be alone than that Hmm

Original poster
supercali77 · 17/04/2019 10:21

@vwman dude....women also have fragile egos. Everyone does to some extent. Retreating into the man cave etc is the classic line of the emotionally unavailable man. It's not women's job to coax him out of there or step around his feelings. If we can be in the front line taking a bullet so can you

OP posts: