Dating thread 155 - Spring lovin'

[supercali77]

Dating thread rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is you don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Do unto others as you would have them do to you.

And a reminder - you don't know them until you know them!

Link to Info on Dating Websites & Apps www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3514717-List-of-Dating-Site-Info-Dating-Thread?watched=1

My DD is in quite an abusive relationship. The situation is quite complicated and it would be too outting to put it up here in full but the tl;dr is that she says she knows he is really controlling and that she is having to lie about hanging with platonic male friends. She says the penny has dropped and she knows what she has to do, yet never seems to do it. She hurt a very good male friend of hers this weekend because she cancelled their arrangements because she couldn't face lying to her bf about it.

Is there anything I can suggest to her to help her just "do it". I think the answer is "she just has to find it in herself", so I know I am grasping at straws, but it breaks my heart to see her like this.

Sorry all to hear that many of you are having tough weekends. I dropped my daughter off at her Dad's just now, as her little sister had arrived back from hols with her Mum and my DD was missing her and wanted to spend a few hours with her, on the understanding that she'd be back at mine tonight. Cue a phone call that she wanted to spend the rest of the long weekend at her Dad's. So, unexpectedly on my own.. Not feeling sorry for myself as it means I can catch up with work and read), but I do get how other posters feel. On a day like this I feel sad - I can't compete with her Dad's family of 4, massive house and garden including a pop up swimming pool, when I'm in a flat with a shared garden with the other sharer chain-smoking outside.

Aw marcmywords it’s so reassuring to see a man feeling emotional. I think for years I’ve assumed men didn’t have the same feelings women had. But I realise now that was my poor choices with abusive men or those that just weren’t that in to me. My current iron is definitely capable of having feelings and being hurt and that’s quite a revelation for me. I think it’s great you and your GF can talk and share so openly with each other.

Being ghosted after 2 months is simple appalling. What a knob he is. I’d vote for being married and found out. Def nothing you did ceebee

Mr Fox sounds great 30.

mrdrummer I think it’s great your DD has recognised the situation. I would keep pointing out his behaviour and telling her she deserves better and reminding her what a healthy relationship feels like.

MrDrummer that must be very worrying for you. Does she live with her boyfriend? One of my daughters was in an abusive relationship when she was younger and I wanted to scream at her to leave him, but he had made her feel worthless and think that she was lucky to have him. One night she came home crying and I ended up talking to her for hours about things in a non-confrontational way. I removed all my emotions from the conversation and asked her open questions about how it all made her feel and encouraged her to explore why she felt that way. I also asked questions about her boyfriend, again in a non-confrontational way, and encouraged her to consider whether someone who loved her would really behave that way. What helped me with this was that at the time I was a Samaritans volunteer and I pretended that she was a caller on the end of a phone, rather than my daughter.

She didn't end the relationship that evening, but she did end it a couple of weeks later. She said afterwards that the conversation really helped her, and that she wouldn't have ended the relationship so quickly if I had just told her what to do, and/or acted as a protective mother.

However, I did once march round to one of her older sister's boyfriend's house and give him a piece of my mind, so I am not perfect!

@Notcoolmum Unfortunately, she has never witnessed a healthy relationship because her mum and I had such a toxic one and when she stayed with relatives for a few years, witnessed a very toxic one there, too.

@LilyRose88

She lives with me and her bf lives a long way away, such that they only see each every few months. I know him well (and treated him like a son for a while) and hold no ill feeling towards him other than continuing to pursue a relationship that is unhealthy. He is a nice guy and male-model level good looking. But he is really, really damaged through no fault of his own. Last time I saw him, I gave him a hug and told him he must fix his issues or let her go. The inbetween cannot continue or DD will get physically hurt. I get that he isn't just a bastard, just majorly fucked-up. He said he understood. That was 2-3 months ago and talking with DD the issues continue. There are a ton of details I have missed out but it's too outing.

MrDrummer you sound like a wonderful caring father. I would question whether her boyfriend really is a nice guy if he is being abusive towards her. Like you, my daughter didn't really have a good example of a healthy relationship, and for ages I blamed myself for her situation, but eventually she did leave the guy in question.

@vwman I always based my choices on what suited me. 'Competition' from other women never worried me because if someone's genuinely interested it doesn't matter how many other options they have does it? And if they're not then why would you want to pursue them? On paper I suppose I had several 'options' but the only person that really genuinely interested me is my now BF. Once I started dating him everyone else just kind of fizzled out. I don't think anyone should ever feel that they're not worthy of dating someone. We all just like who we like, no one is better than anyone else.

That is pretty tough MrDrummer. What I might do in your situation would rather depend on the age of your DD. That they only see each other every few months is significant and it is surprising that someone who is (presumably) a teenager would put up with that, however good looking her BF is.
Do you think he or his parents are approachable again?

@LilyRose88 Thank-you. Opinions vary on the wonderful caring father thing. :) I do make a mistake of treating her like a peer, though. I wish she had a significant female in her life. This is why I made the comment about women having so much compassion for each other on mumsnet. I get it now and I will never be able to replicate that. One of the reasons for looking for an LTR is to give her a significant female role model. But then last two proper relationships have come and gone and I don't want to introduce her to yet another woman that then disappears from her life.

Pm sent with details that would be outing.

@MarcMyWords

Unfortunately, I have left some significant aspects out because of outing. I have explained some of them before in public before, but don't want to drop it all in one place. My DD has many other mental health issues which mean her self esteem is down the toilet and things aren't as simple as I have made out above.

Understood and good call MrDrummer. Based on what I see, I think you can only do what you are doing - talking to all who may have an influence on the situation and being really clear with him/his parents about what must change.

I was pretty upbeat now, but I talked myself into being miserable... ho hum... I can hear the neighbour shout "we are running out of hotdogs". Wish I hadn't cleared all the dog-shit up from the garden now

Going to the gym and use the outdoor pool to try to clear my mind. They keep it open til 10pm normally, so normally go down at 9pm and have the pool to myself in the summer. Bliss :)

@MrDrummer

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/698029-Right-listen-up-everybody
This thread and the Why does he do that book (free pdf available with a bit of Googling) are both good resources. Make sure she knows you are there no matter what.

And no point expecting him to change, he won't. Just be there to pick up the pieces.

My neighbours are having a party/gathering, all the joyous laughing is doing my head in 🤣🤣, I’m now sat indoors eating my meal for one.

How would you feel if some guy you were talking too on POF said they had been on a couple dates with someone but if it doesn’t work out then they would like a date with you? I appreciate his honesty but i kind of feel like sloppy 2nds 🤣. He does now want a date so I’m assuming the other one didn’t work out.

Hi guys, I posted a few weeks ago, was going on first date in over 7 years! It went well initially and we saw each other a few times but things haven't worked out for various reasons. Nothing majorly bad happened just circumstances.
I think I broke so many of the rules, I massively over invested and feel upset about how things have turned out but have to move on now. I need to get grow a tougher skin I think and follow the rules, they are there for good a reason.

@Lovemusic33 tact and diplomacy and definately not his middle names

Lovemusic - that's pretty piss poor, and definitely true, vwman. There must be other ways you could say, "maybe later" without making someone feel they're in the 'B' team!
CKfan - yep, been there alright. It's especially hard after a LTR to not get over-invested too early, so rules 3 and 5 seem equally important IMHO!

@Lovemusic33 I can understand why you would be put off, but I suppose it's good he was been honest and finish one thing before possibly starting another. It's a difficult one but probably would be the type of message I would send as I have no tact!

love, I agree, infact I love his honesty. At least you'd always know where you stood!

@MarcMyWords thanks, it's really hit me for six. I have definately learnt from it I hope. It's probably over 13 years since I actually dated as I was with my youngest son's father for 6 yrs then been on my own for 7 yrs, we never really dated as such, just rushed into things which turned out to be a very toxic relationship. My relationship history before that was bad too so I feel like I am learning from scratch, it's so hard.

Thank you Notcoolmum glad you think so!

What I would say is very often there is a cost and a joy to being in touch with feelings, with people I've met the cost is often a difficult past that has been worked through, the joy is experiencing emotions and being in touch with them - not shut off as so many people are - and being able to laugh at it all, and especially oneself.

I think this is the difference between blokes with a "jack the lad" sense of humour (which seems like a barrier they put up to make themselves feel important) and men who have the ability to laugh at themselves (vulnerability and a capacity for experiencing hurt - which it sounds like your current squeeze has :))

So I'm very hopeful for you!

It is tough, CKFan but sounds like you've got the right attitude.

At the risk of turning this into a competition, I had a gap of two decades before I started dating at Christmas and believe me I clocked up a lot of "opportunities for learning" in those early dates. I feel maybe I should go back and apologise to those women for being such a clumsy oaf.

I imagine you will get to being comfortable going on dates, and quicker than you expected. That was how it was for me.

love his honesty is refreshing - I don’t see how giving him one date would hurt, he could explain what it was all about and you could gauge whether he has potential

Well just had a brief date with Mr Football Fan. He was lovely but I really didn't fancy him in the slightest. I can't imagine him growing on me either. He was such a nice guy but I couldn't even kiss him, so zero chemistry. Shame but it happens.

@MrDrummer I would maybe suggest she got to counselling if she's willing? It's an incredibly difficult situation for you. I was in an emotionally abusive relationship for 11 years (from the age of 20) and the more my mum tried to tell me, the more I would agree but then refrain from telling her things. For fear of proving her right, and also judgment. Counselling helped me no end.

@lifegoes he says he's got a lot going on at the moment with moving and stuff but he still has time to see his mates. I'm starting to think he's looking for a penpal, which is fine, but I'm not waiting around for that!