Dating thread 155 - Spring lovin'

[supercali77]

Dating thread rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is you don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Do unto others as you would have them do to you.

And a reminder - you don't know them until you know them!

Link to Info on Dating Websites & Apps www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3514717-List-of-Dating-Site-Info-Dating-Thread?watched=1

Aw lifegoes definitely not my intention to upset you. I think you have other more valid reasons for doubting this iron. Multi dating is weird. And I only did it after taking advice from this group. I dated Mr London who I really liked, but he stayed on tinder and was active as his location would regularly update. Before this thread it would have driven me mad but I took on board we hadn’t had the exclusive chat (although were DTD) so I carried on swiping and dating. It helped me not to invest too much, as he clearly wasn’t. And if I hadn’t carried on swiping I’d not have met Mr Scouse.

That's true @Notcoolmum this board has helped me so much already. I just felt a bit overwhelmed with the messages this morning. But it's positive and what I needed to hear

I hate multidating. I think it's really horrible and breeds insecurity. But it seems to be the way with OLD. It cheapens everyone. I did it a bit last year but decided not to this time round. It's quite hard not to swipe though. It's interesting how @shitwithsugaron and @TooOldForThis67 have both met someone since you've stopped multi dating! Even if it doesn't last I think it's just healthier all round. Because noones perfect and you start seeing faults and thinking there's someone better out there. Maybe there is but....if you don't give something 100% it's never going to work,

@lifegoes I hate when you know they're going on a date even before you've met. I had a date arranged recently and the guy messaged me saying he was back from a sunset walk somewhere and I knew it was a date. I hadn't met him. But I was irritated and insecure. It feels disrespectful. It's not him though. Or you! It's bloody OLD.

lifegoes I don't multi date but I do often chat to more than one guy at a time. I struggle with the notion that a guy may be dating others if he is seeing me but unfortunately OLD is like that. I can't see me changing my dating behaviour any time soon so I am going to have to come to terms with it or stop OLD. And I am the Queen of WhatsApp checking - don't get me started on those blue ticks and checking whether someone is online. I have had to have quite a few stern chats with myself when I have been getting obsessed with it all!

I have zero irons at the moment! I have had some messages on POF and Tinder but they are all from guys who are either too young, the right age but unsuitable (e.g. very very fat and unfit) or they live 100 miles away! There is a guy I quite like on Tinder, Mr Postman, but he lives about 20 miles away and I can't really describe him as an iron yet as we have only exchanged two messages. God he is gorgeous though!

That's what I'm learning @Peanuthedz it just felt disrespectful that tonight I'm seeing him and I'll be thinking is he comparing me to her.

@LilyRose88 drives me Insane WhatsApp but I have to say this board is helping me loads with it.

I'm sorry to all that I had a bite earlier. I know you are all just trying to help me see it better. It's just so bloody hard.

lifegoes don't feel bad. I don't think many of us like multi dating but sadly it is the way of OLD.
You either talk to a few so you don't get over-invested in one person. Or you just focus on one person and see what they're like when you finally meet.

For me there is a distinction between different types of multi-dating. There's the type were you arrange lots of dates with lots of different people in the hope that you like one but there might be a better one along soon.
And chatting to 1 person but another comes along so you chat to them as well as the first one may disappear. Or you've arranged a date with one person but then someone else sends you a message so you chat to them as well to see what happens.

Once you've met then you can decide if you want to see them again and not chat to anyone else.

@MrDrummer shes not your girlfriend, she is just a woman you are dating and perhaps have had sex with. I never buy a woman who is not my girlfriend anything it just creates an obligation. She will not chose you if you if you take her to the best restaurant in town or as someone said buy a bicycle for her, I think it just creates the feeling of obligation. Instead I would say that a woman appreciates gestures more. I dated a 39 year old woman and cooked her a meal fortunately I am an excellent cook. She said she had never had a man cook her a meal before, I made a home made chocolate mousse, I knew she liked chocolate. I think that meant more to her than a fine dining meal would have and was not smothering

@MyOldBrainStoppedWorking that makes perfect sense when you explain it like that. I never thought of it in that concept.

More them being a player and dating multiple women.

I'm becoming more and more convinced that Mr Fab Exclusive is married.
His texting pattern is to send me loads of texts during the day. Then he disappears after about 5pm. His last seen is visible so I know he's not online. Which makes me think he has a separate phone for dating.

When he does reappear he has a reason - working at night, out with his friends etc. But I'm not buying it any more.

I've been pushing to get date 2 at his house either this evening or tomorrow evening. But he just says 'we'll sort something out'.

No sign of him at all today. And I'm not sure what to say if he reappears. I could ask 'are you married' but he'll probably lie. Or I could just wait and see if he invites me to his place.

lifegoes I really get how you feel. I'm just over a year online and the apps and it has been a painful experience at times with many ups and downs.

I'm far more relaxed about it all now and see it as an experience in increasing my self esteem and self love, corny as it sounds, and never forget that it shines a spotlight on how we are all struggling and dysfunctional to one degree or another.

The hyper sexuality of it all is something I really find very difficult but am more able to cut people off as soon as I feel discomfort whereas before I would have been drawn in.
You are doing just great!! :)

vwman my most cherished gift to this day was a box of Lindor from a cute guy who had noted my addiction to chocolate.
That and his passionate kisses. ;)

@vwman I think you are right about the buying stuff and I think I have made that mistake in the past. I think that's why I made my last date got awkward over the money side of things, trying to avoiding it , but me completely fluffing it)

Here's an example: Turning up unannounced works in romcoms, but is stalker-ish in IRL, surely?

mrdrummer it’s how you feel about the person that determines whether it’s welcomed or not. The same behaviour will feel different dependent on who has done it.

I agree @vwman and it's certainly not gifts I am after... I just want to feel wanted a bit more.
I don't know whether this is just me having a wobble and feeling insecure for no reason, or whether it is justified. I guess I will find out after I've seen him tonight. Part of me thinks hopes he is just playing it cool but another part of me thinks that actually, he doesn't put a whole lot of effort into dating/relationships.

Interestingly, a male friend thinks that I am wanting too much and can't see what the problem is with how things are at the moment...but I don't want to be the one asking when he's free, I want him to want to find out when he can see me again.

@mrdrummer I think there's a tipping point. That point where you've been seeing each other a while, maybe a couple of months, it's lovely af but you're not quite in a relationship yet where a romantic gesture is a knock out. It's basically 'I want to be your boyfreind' territory but noone has to say that bit.

@lifegoes It's rough at first, you get invested fast as a monogomous person who hasn't experienced OLD yet. Particularly later in life maybe after some serious trust problems in previous relationships. Thing is - you might not like this guy - that might be the irony of it in the end. People are SO different irl, that's why they multi-date. I've built up a date before in the early days and got there - actually one time I got there and he was missing 2 front teeth and was godamn awful. In his photos he looked chic and french (and didn't smile haha). I had fantasised about him. I was so utterly repulsed by his real personality that I never did that again.

So, my news....my 3ish months iron who i said it wasn't working with over text. We've been back and forth about meeting for a chat. He has a funeral today. it all got a bit knotty over text. I think we have a communication mismatch. In the end I said, I can't text any more, you just need to call me. We won't get anywhere otherwise. So he did. We cleared up a lot of things. I'm not sure we're 100% compatible, but we're meeting for more talk later. I'm conscious of protecting my boundaries but ... i'm willing to see.

@30somethingandsingle

Interestingly, a male friend thinks that I am wanting too much

You are entitled to want as much or as little as you like. If the other person doesn't match that in anything but the short term, move on.

^^ Totally agree with that - your male freind isn't dating this guy

@MyOldBrainStoppedWorking it is certainly screaming of being married to be. Especially quiet today as it's a bank holiday so he may be at home with wife/kids.
Have you tried to look him up on Facebook? I always find that is a good start.

@MrDrummer Thank you. That is reassuring.
I worry sometimes that I have a skewed idea of how dating/relationships should be and I don't always trust how I feel. The wanker ex has a lot to answer for.

Ps. If I was into someone and they turned up unannounced to surprise me I would love that.

@Notcoolmum I get that these things are in the eye of the receiver, but how is a bloke to know how something like that is to be received, if he isn't sure how the woman feels about him?

I think I am incredibly bad at reading women.

I don’t think you would know. And nor would she until it happens if that makes sense mrdrummer. I got flowers sent to work once. The thought of which I would think was very romantics. But actually when it happened I felt embarrassed and uncomfortable and I ended things with the sender. If I’d have liked him more I’m sure I’d have been delighted to have received them.

@30somethingandsingle

I worry sometimes that I have a skewed idea of how dating/relationships should be and I don't always trust how I feel.

My guess is that your ex invalidated your feelings over and over. And your male friend is doing it too (not maliciously though.)

One's emotions are one's reality. Nobody should tell you they are wrong. A skilled listener will help you explore your own thoughts that might reduce your emotions around a subject, but simply telling you you are wrong for feeling the way you do is a disaster.

MrDrummer I have had a few people turn up at my work on the spur of the moment. It very much depended how I felt about them as to whether I thought it was romantic and thoughtful or over the mark and inappropriate. Unfortunately its not a one answer fits all scenario.
lifegoes I totally get how you are feeling. It's why I now try to arrange a date quickly - no point speaking for ages and getting invested in someone for them to not be suitable, plus if you are only interesting in concentrating on one person at a time and they are multi-dating it creates tension and hurt feelings. I tend to be speaking to a few people at a time, arrange dates with maybe a couple get ghosted by them all and start again but once I know I want a second date with someone I don't date anyone else personally. It's a minefield. We are all in it together tho, and this is a safe place to vent, get advice, and other perspectives.