Private lap dance :(

[downupdown]

Changed name for this post

Dh to be, had his stag weekend. Fun and games during day and meal out/drinking in evening. Ended up at a lap dance club, I suppose no particular issue with this he's never been before and I wouldn't have thought his thing though, but he had the dredded 'private dance'. Paid for by his mates. Went into a private room, she made him lay down and she was fully naked except suspender belt. She straddled him, sat on him, touched his legs and chest and obviously her stripper lady bits and bum were not far from him at all.
I know the details as basically I asked. I am gutted and cannot get the images out of my head. My DH to be feels terrible and said he didn't realise it would be so graphic etc etc.

I sway between feeling ok and trying to shut it out to feeling physically sick. My ex husband had an affair and left me and children so perhaps I am over sensitive.
This is a rant I know :(

I think people are interesting in the reasoning behind occasional compared to habitual being acceptable. No one should feel compelled to answer that, btw.

I suppose judgemental replies are to be expected then

I asked a question (which, of course the poster does not have to reply to). I did not make a judgement.

Habitual user of hookers because if the sexual health risks

And only because of health risks... Not because fucking someone who really doesn't want to fuck you is an abhorrent thing to do. Not because a huge number of prostitutes are trafficked and held in bondage. Not because of the disproportionate addiction and mental health issues amongst prostitutes. Just cos you might catch something.

Fucks sake.

Safiya5 - thank you for the heads up ! I never considered that as a possibility 🙄 ..
OTOH I never have my nails done, nor have my car hand washed , or buy clothes from any high street store that employs Bangladeshi children , or eat food that hasn't been ethically sourced.. and so on and so on ..so maybe my lax attitude to sex workers gets balanced out ? How fucking patronising can you get ?

OTOH I did work as a a stripper when I was at Uni .. a long long time ago. Entirely voluntarily, out of choice purely down to the hourly rate I could make for the time spent gyrating stupidly for rather pathetic men. Never once did I feel attracted to the punters but I did earn about £12ph when Tesco was paying £2.

I simply don't have that attitude where I would get excited about transactional sex. It is a purely functional behaviour which presents no threat to my emotional well being. If DH did this we would probably have a laugh about how uncomfortable it made him.

feministwithtitsin - if he felt the need. Meh couldn't get excited by it.

Womanland - personally I'm not a habitual user of prostitutes. However I do not have a problem with transactional sex. Having worked in that industry- don't patronise me with stuff you have read.
Whilst there are plenty of trafficked hookers there are also plenty of men and women who make a conscious choice to work in the sex industry just as I did because the hourly rate was over 6 times higher . Could have worked in Tesco - literally next door. Chose not to.

Do you eat salad ? Are you sure it didn't come from a bag packed by trafficked men and women ? Or does salad not matter as much because it doesn't upset Puritan ideals about genitals and sex ?

I trust DH to make his own choices and as far as I am aware it has never included sex for money , just saying that for me - it's not a game changer .

So you're one of those women. Doesn't affect you personally so you don't have a problem with it. Nice.

@smallereveryday do you think that there is a possibility that a man paying for sex might end up getting feelings for a worker? Or may become obsessed with a lap dancer? When feelings get involved would it be different?

(I'm not having a pop btw, just a discussion)

Would t bother me tbh

I never understand the argument that it’s ok because the dancers aren’t interested in the men.

I am not in a relationship with the dancer so whether or not she is attracted to him is largely irrelevant (assuming she is dancing of her own free will). The issue is someone who I am supposedly in a committed relationship with paying another woman to get naked and rub herself on him sexually.

Op, these threads always tend to get derailed. I hope you have managed to sort this one way or the other.

The way some are carrying on is like this is the first ever stag do involving a strip club.

Do you eat salad ? Are you sure it didn't come from a bag packed by trafficked men and women ? Or does salad not matter as much because it doesn't upset Puritan ideals about genitals and sex

Lovely. And spot on. I'm sure these morals last as long as it starts to hit them in the pocket. Then I imagine a blind eye is turned.

Hi Pepsilola yes of course there is always a risk of feelings becoming involved.

Personally I have never come from that school of thought that requires me to police my significant others behaviour.

I have never believed that you can MAKE someone love, care and want to be with you - simply because you remove the path of any temptation.
If a man is in a happy fulfilled consensual relationship, then he is not going to be 'tempted' by anything - any more than I would.

If he is the sort of man to cheat - and there are problems in the marriage/he has poor moral integrity, the question of a partner allowing or not allowing lap dances/transactional sex is entirely irrelevant as they will do it anyway.

I give my DH the credit to decide how to run his life ... and Should that involve prostitution, if say , I became longterm disabled and no longer able/wanting to have sex.. I would find that a lot easier to reconcile in my head than condone an affair /require abstinence from DH.

As I have said each time. This is my perspective on this question. Just another point of view.
I posted because I couldn't get my head around the OP - who feels so much for someone that she is about to marry him - but is seriously considering changing her mind because someone he doesn't know, rubbed her genitalia all over him.
Never met before
Will never meet again
No emotional connection
Most likely no actual conversation has occurred.

Just can't work out why people feel this act is so threatening to the marriage.

Womanland
So you're one of those women. Doesn't affect you personally so you don't have a problem with it. Nice

You are such an armchair commentator in things you know a little - but not much about. A little knowledge is a dangerous thing.
If you search my posts you will see that I am an investigator into MSHT and spend everyday of my working life being affected by it. I have more knowledge and insight into the plight of trafficked people than you could ever imagine. I am also not a fluffy idealist. A luxury that cannot be afforded when you work on the coal face.

What a load of shite. Cos we all know of the psychological and physical dangers of picking salad don't we. Stop being so obtuse.

Prostitution is the single most dangerous occupation for women, with unbelievably high rates of physical, emotional and sexual abuse, substance abuse, homelessness and mental illness. Add trafficking to this and you can also add kidnap, forced drug addiction, extreme sexual violence and continuos rape. So no... Not really the same as picking salad or washing cars.

The idea that "some" women are happy to sell their sex to men is all very well and good until you can understand the sex industry is not something that happens in a vacuum. It has an impact on society as a whole and the idea that a woman doesn't need to truly consent to sex (because if she wanted to have sex with you you wouldn't be having to pay her) is dangerous to us all. It also doesn't account for the fact that the vast majority of those working in prostitution desperately want to leave and those who do are often left with serious post traumatic stress.

And how do women get involved prostitution... Homelessness, poverty, and trafficking... But also by starting off in clubs as dancers and strippers.

So no... Eating a bag of salad from my local coop is really really not the same as supporting the sex industry.

I don't consider this cheating, but behaviour doesn't have to be cheating, to be deemed inappropriate or unacceptable.

Tbh I find it cringeworthy. I went to a hen night years ago, and the male stipper pushed the bride to be down to his crotch area... I shuddered, but I seemed to be the only one who felt that way.

It's just not classy behaviour for me.

Anyone who thinks peer pressure only applies to children or teenagers is not knowledgeable in the field of social and psychological human behaviour. It's much better to stay silent, rather than make inaccurate statements or assumptions.

Adults are just as subseptive to peer pressure as anyone else.

Individuals have varying degrees to which they change or do what isn't their natural inclination in order to conform to the rest of the group.

Adults are just as subseptive to peer pressure as anyone else

I don't think anyone was suggesting that peer pressure doesn't exist for adults. The point being made is that being susceptible to peer pressure in some situations is going to have knock on consequences. It also isn't a valid excuse for doing something which you know is wrong and wouldn't have done otherwise. It's an explanation, but not an excuse. If your partner now realises that you will be susceptible to peer pressure in those circumstances, then it may change how they see you and what they feel about the relationship.

I work with young people who are often trafficked into the country. There is a serious problem with exploitation of labour of these young people, it can be hard to explain to them that they are a victim of trafficking, as they entered the country on the promise of work and are working. There are issues with coersion, slavery violence, and for these reasons I avoid places such as nail bars and other establishments where people work under these conditions. It does not mean that I pat myself on the back for this and put it in the bank to excuse my partner paying to rape someone. We do not have a quota of human misery that we can spend.

Of all the people who are trafficked, those who are sexually exploited are the most traumatised and damaged, physically and psychologically. I have worked with young people who have been forced to have multiple abortions before they are 16, or who have got pregnant and been dumped literally in the street. Young girls and boys who kill themselves, who self harm, who cannot form good relationships, who have drug and alcohol issues and never end up having a family of their own.

So if I won't get my nails done. I won't accept my husband using sex workers.

If a man is in a happy fulfilled consensual relationship, then he is not going to be 'tempted' by anything - any more than I would.

I actually agree with this and it's why I have no interest in men dry humping me wether voluntarily or paid. I can't see how a nice lively man in a happy consenting committed relationship would be tempted to do the same?

If he is the sort of man to cheat - and there are problems in the marriage/he has poor moral integrity, the question of a partner allowing or not allowing lap dances/transactional sex is entirely irrelevant as they will do it anyway. I actually agree with this too, a cheat will cheat, and for many being dry humped by a naked person is cheating and they have every right to end that relationship if their partner thinks it isn't cheating and will do it anyway. The answer isn't for people to pressure women to resigns what they won't put up with but for him to go find fine a woman like the many in this thread who are happy for the husbands to be dry humped by naked women. I said earlier in the thread it either shows how little he knows his wife to be that he didn't think it would be a big deal or he did know and don't care and didn't it anyway. Either way it's not great.

but is seriously considering changing her mind because someone he doesn't know, rubbed her genitalia all over him.
Never met before
Will never meet again
No emotional connection
Most likely no actual conversation has occurred.

So he could have easily done this with a random woman he'd met in the pub. A lot of people would end relationships for that too unless in an open relationship where both parties are free to the same. I don't think ops boyfriend would be happy for her to be dry humped my naked men. Unless in an open relationship you usually see the men who do sexual things paid or otherwise do not want their wives doing the same.

I actually have a condition that affects my sex life, I can have sex but it's limited and causes me pain.

Posted too soon, my condition gets worse over time and I know I couldn't stomach dh paying women to fuck the but that doesn't mean I'd expect him to be celibate either. We've talked about this and he knows he can leave and I would not be angry or judge him, he says sex is a want not a need and he's rather be celibate than purchase consent from women he can't know actually want to have sex with him or are doing it free addictions, feed children etc. To him purchased consent is not willing consent and he'd rather go without for the rest of his life and just wank off than pay to stick his dick in someone.

He's free to leave anytime is less and eventually no sex becomes more of a big deal to him and I'd accept it, I'd be hurt but I'd be more hurt than him regularly going out to pay women to fuck them. He's also feel the same vice versa if he became ill.

Both people being on the same page is what counts in my opinion. One person doing what they want and then trying to convince his spouse it's not cheating and no big deal or whatever makes them a twat.

@downupdown, how are you?

I also don't think women who work in lap dancing places what to steal the men it actually fancy the pathetic men who buy them, it's sexual to many of the men using them though and it's why when they bang on about great they to the "girls" and how respectful they are and how it's earns them good money and is empowering too are horrified when you ask why they aren't selling their own body for gay men, what aren't they dancing naked for gay men, answer is ideally "cos I'm not gay". Well the women they are paying for don't fancy them so then providing sexual services for other shouldn't be a big deal but some men who pay women get very angry at the suggesting the charge people to use them. Shows that their not the nice respectful punter they think they are really.

understand why you are upset but the dancer doesnt want your husband, he didnt touch her and he wont leave you for her.

He is not the same guy as the last idiot you were with

I am sorry for playing a part in derailing your thread, OP. I hope you are OK and able to move forward, regardless of what you choose to do x

he didnt touch her

Well we don’t know that any more than you do but he didn’t have to. According to OP he was lying underneath her while she gyrated and rubbed her vulva on him.