Private lap dance :(

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Changed name for this post

Dh to be, had his stag weekend. Fun and games during day and meal out/drinking in evening. Ended up at a lap dance club, I suppose no particular issue with this he's never been before and I wouldn't have thought his thing though, but he had the dredded 'private dance'. Paid for by his mates. Went into a private room, she made him lay down and she was fully naked except suspender belt. She straddled him, sat on him, touched his legs and chest and obviously her stripper lady bits and bum were not far from him at all.
I know the details as basically I asked. I am gutted and cannot get the images out of my head. My DH to be feels terrible and said he didn't realise it would be so graphic etc etc.

I sway between feeling ok and trying to shut it out to feeling physically sick. My ex husband had an affair and left me and children so perhaps I am over sensitive.
This is a rant I know :(

At best you'll be marrying someone who doesn't take responsibility for his own actions.
I'd be wondering where that might lead in future.

I would really not be bothered about this.

Urgh I wouldn’t marry him OP. I’d feel sick if my DP did that. It would be the end for me as well.

It was a stag-do FFS. He had a private dance, he didn’t go for a massage with a HE, and he told you about it when he got back.
No doubt drink had been taken and he was in a group who will have been pushing him.

Do you have any doubts at all about your Man’s feelings about you?
Has he ever given you reason to doubt his commitment?

Give him a private dance of your own and create your own images with him.

What does it being a stag do have to do with it? Is that such a special event that your usual ethics/morals/boundaries can be cast aside? It's a pathetic excuse, as is peer pressure. At least own the decision, fgs.

To those talking about peer pressure, what a load of bollocks. We're not talking teenagers but grown men. I'm a 45-year old guy, never been to a strip show or had a lap dance. Wouldn't want to. And I have a mind of my own and no one makes me do shit I don't want to.

I suspect most men simply don't see a private dance with a stripper as a big deal, just so long as it's part of the stag night ritual.

What would be the equivalent behaviour, in which a woman could thoughtlessly indulge herself, and unintentionally give the same level of offence to her partner? It surely wouldn't be having a male stripper slap his c*ck on her arm and wave it about in front of her face, as I suspect most women would rate that very much higher on the 'questionable behaviour' scale, than most men would rate the female stripper equivalent.

Do you know what this thread is making me wonder?

It’s making me wonder how many of your husbands are lying to you, because you are SO HISTRIONIC

Have a look here - yougov.co.uk/topics/lifestyle/articles-reports/2015/06/30/strip-club-stag-do

Your husbands are not, generally speaking, on the same page as you about this- and I suspect that at least some of you would be heading for these separations you’re adamant you would be pursuing, if your husbands were honest with you.

Oh no .. not heading for a separation from a skeezy little creep. How would we ever survive.

I think it's cheating. Not from the dancer's side, she's just doing her job. But your partner has intentionally used a naked woman for his own sexual gratification. He has betrayed you.
In your situation I don't know what I would do. I would find it hard to get past but don't know if I'd throw everything away for this. I think I probably would if I'm being honest. He has to understand just how much he has hurt you. I would kick him out and make him grovel and then it's your decision if you marry him or not.

It’s very easy though isn’t it, to uphold your moral code hypothetically?
Just remember there’s a real person who has asked this question - and she’s vulnerable right now- be sure that the advice you’re giving is something you’d follow through yourself.

Sorry all, posted the above to wrong thread! So sorry!

Hi OP tbh I have not read all the comments ..

Please don’t let anyone minimise your feelings about this. If you are not happy/comfortable about what he did you are entitled to your feelings. Those saying it was JUST a dance .. nope it was not .. every one has their boundaries of appropriate and inappropriate ..

Only YOU know what you can accept and let go off and what you can’t ..

Best wishes always 🌷

Lovesmarties, I don't think a fully nude woman gyrating all over a man who is due to be married is just a silly ritual, no.
Maybe young lads who are egging each other on on a night out but not decent grown adult men with partners.

@TheSheepofWallSt do you know why kind of person usually calls women "histrionic"...?

You have a dim view of men, if you think that no one here has an honest husband or partner. Which is sad.

Safiya5 - this was neither a prostitute or a one night stand. They are straw men. It was a lap dance

Just what is the cheating in your mind? Cheating that actually happened. Not stuff that could have but obviously never did.

This is a really individual thing OP, in the same way as frequent porn use whilst in a relationship , some are 100% don’t give a shit, some can ‘live with it’ but don’t like and some it’s an absolute sackable offence, regardless of anyone else’s views, decide where you are on that spectrum. I don’t like’easily led’ men, so that aspect would annoy me as well

Just what is the cheating in your mind? Cheating that actually happened. Not stuff that could have but obviously never did.

Having another person straddle you naked whilst rubbing their genitals on you is cheating for me.

@Handsoff

Yes. Exactly.

@assassinated

Someone who can see through the socioemotional showboating going on here, to a real person underneath, who is going through a real crisis- and could probably do with some honest advice, rather than hypothetical “if that were mes”

And it probably is some of you- so be careful.

I spoke to my DH about this thread, as I had not known lapdancers were naked.

He had a lap dance (not in a private room) on his stag doo. I had presumed she had a thong on, but no she was naked.

My DH threw up on her and got thrown out and barred from the strip club, so I'm not mad (and it was years ago).

But yeah, I must be naive as I did not know they were naked

I think it's I individual choice but has to be absolutely mutual.
Some couples accept adultery for example. However if one partner cheats then they have to accept it from the other, no double standards in other words.
I think lap dancing clubs operate double standards.
A male dance troup or a group of male strippers in a room is not comparable to a female stripper being alone in private with a customer.
They are not there to discuss global warming, they are there on a sexual basis.
The op hasn't answered the question if her dp would be totally fine with her willingly entering a room with a fit much younger man who's sole purpose was to turn her on sexually.
If he is then fine. All is good.
If not then he has no excuse for what he did.