Private lap dance :(

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Changed name for this post

Dh to be, had his stag weekend. Fun and games during day and meal out/drinking in evening. Ended up at a lap dance club, I suppose no particular issue with this he's never been before and I wouldn't have thought his thing though, but he had the dredded 'private dance'. Paid for by his mates. Went into a private room, she made him lay down and she was fully naked except suspender belt. She straddled him, sat on him, touched his legs and chest and obviously her stripper lady bits and bum were not far from him at all.
I know the details as basically I asked. I am gutted and cannot get the images out of my head. My DH to be feels terrible and said he didn't realise it would be so graphic etc etc.

I sway between feeling ok and trying to shut it out to feeling physically sick. My ex husband had an affair and left me and children so perhaps I am over sensitive.
This is a rant I know :(

His friends got him in an extreme silly state as a stag challenge of some sort, and he had to leave his own stag party to go home as he could not stop vomiting.

Another example of how clubs are not always strict with what they allow to happen, on other threads whereas dancing is discussed, men who use them and women who work in them often say really drunk men are refused entry. Yet this club has allowed a man is an extremely silly state to have dances which resulted in him puking on her. Feel sorry for the women having to put up with that. I'd imagine your husband isn't the only shitfaced man they club gave entry too.

I think that there are an AWFUL lot of women on this thread who think lapdancers are beneath them

Speaking for myself, I don't think any woman in the adult industry is beneath me. I think men who think a woman's body is something to be purchased for himself are creeps though and that by thinking a woman's body is a commodity shows he thinks those women are beneath him. The very act of paying a woman to perform for him shows he doesn't care about freely given consent and if he wants it he'll just buy it without a second thought.

The type of man who goes on about it not being a big deal, or people who say there's nothing sexual in it would not be happy if they wife decided they wanted a change of career to stripping for men, same type of men would not entertain doing the same dancing for in clubs for gay men no matter who good the money is. Wonder why that is.

The fact that the OPs partner was trying to make things better/make himself look less of a pathetic sleaze by 'positively' comparing her body with the lapdancers body says it all. That's supposed to be a compliment and to placate her! That's the level of braincells and awareness sheep men like this possess. Slabs. Of. Meat. Even their princesses, when it comes down to it are just a body. (though i do agree with pp, these men do think their princesses are well above the women they so desperately want to watch dance.)

If it was true regret, awareness, remorse, this 'shocking and unwanted' experience would have made him view his wife as a real full, valuable human being with a brain and feelings, deserving of respect, not just defaulting straight back to meat slab thinking - 'my wifes body is better than that'. Its so pathetic and sad that that is the baseline of his remorse.

OP you do have the option to educate him, but it depends if he would be an open participant and if you think it could even work, and if you feel you can take that on. It can take time to open someones eyes up who has been brought up and immersed in macho bullshit world, no matter how mild or severe a case. If you do stay and don't tackle it, be prepared to watch yourself twitching the next time he gets invited on a stag do, or other behaviours start to become noticeable to you.

There are men out there that you don't need to educate at all, don't forget that.

Would he have told you if her body was better than your? Think not.
If my h2b had done this there would be no wedding.
His mates standing there wishing you well is utter shit if they organised this they have no respect for your relationship.

Yes exactly Chocolate. Imagine sitting there at your own wedding while the groom and best man make their speeches, in full knowledge that they all know what happened. That’s the most degrading part of all. It’s complete disrespect from all of them and makes a mockery of everything.

That’s a very good point Safiya.

I wouldn’t go through with the wedding...but...at the very least, all his ‘friends’ would find themselves uninvited.

@handsoffmysweets

People don’t like being told to lower their standards and accept behaviour that they don’t find acceptable.

The posts I’ve read, people have expressed opinions and agreed it’s for OP to make up her own mind as to what she can forgive.

Many people would find this unforgivable from their husband to be, but then to be told ‘it’s men being men’ or ‘it’s not cheating’ or ‘there’s worse that they could have done’ and of course state words like ‘histrionics’, to try to make us feel ridiculous or ‘uncool’ is belittling and condescending.

None of this makes what the op’s dp did OK and people including myself have very strong opinions of men who pay for sexual kicks or to see a woman naked and dancing for a laugh.

If you for instance, don’t care that your husband pays for this type of activity them great. That’s your call. But please don’t tell other women that they are histrionic or similar for not accepting it. We each have our own boundaries.

Going ahead with the wedding is one thing. Starting married life with such a black cloud won't be easy - your anniversary will always remind you of betrayal not happiness imo.
Postpone at the very least.
Your wedding day should be so much more than what you are currently feeling.

I think it's completely up to you what you do, OP. You know your husband better than we do. But I'd be very concerned he has "friends" who can force him to do things he is apparently uncomfortable with, and he didn't try to put a stop to it or walk out once he realised how "graphic" it was going to be. If you do decide to go through with the relationship, how would you ever trust him to go out with these "friends"? I'd be expecting him to uninvite them to the wedding and limit his contact if he feels he was forced into something like that. Who knows what else they could force him into.

I'll be getting married in 10 days. If my partner did this then the wedding would be off and he would be packing his bags. Whether he said his friends paid and made him do it or not.

It really is so fucked and ridiculous that its almost hilarious. I agree, don't know how anyone could face these mates knowing your husbands gonna have em for life.

It is so weird, few weeks/days later after watching and participating in watching real womens tits, fannies and arses bouncing round thier faces, they all stand in a line wearing their pristine suits, watching a woman in her carefully chosen 'princess for a day' attire glide towards them in virginal, pure whites. What a lucky lady!

Treated like a princess for a day, quite literally.

I wouldn't be happy, like I'd be really angry and sad. The fact he told u so much makes me believe that it was awkward situation for him too but then again maybe a double bluff. He'd have been better not telling u too much.

I wouldn't count it as cheating though but I'd let him know that if he's ever put in a situation like that again he needs spk up. He shld have just told the girl he wasn't interested once they got in the room and cld have chatted for 5 mins, easy money for her.

Not an issue.
An issue for me would be ;
Habitual user of hookers because if the sexual health risks .

An affair . Due to the intimate and emotionally betrayal.

Wouldn't blink an eye. But that's me. If you think its worth chucking your relationship with someone that you love enough to marry - then crack on. No one can make you stay. Seems massively OTT though..

Different viewpoint.

I wasn’t referring to you specifically, just lumping everyone with a similar viewpoint together.

That’s your prerogative smaller.

Have you ever met a trafficked woman? Or underage girl?

I’m not saying all strippers are trafficked - not at all. But, the point is, how would your DH ever know? Do you or him ever consider that? The reality behind the “laugh?” Even if that stripper was 100% doing it of her own free choice - what other jobs had led her to that point? What other men have abused, manipulated or groped her before she got to that point? What is her family or relationship history? Even if there’s only one girl in the whole club who has been groped / trafficked / raped / abused as a result of the industry, is that not enough to make you think twice or perhaps “blink an eye?”

This wouldn't bother me at all.

I see this completely differently to an affair or ons, and I absolutely don't see it as cheating.

If it was an obsession and he was going there all the time and/Or being secretive about it, that would be different, as then there's a different issue at the heart of it, but as a once off on a guys night out? Nah, not worried.

Also, I trust my oh and knowing him he'd be pretty embarrassed and uncomfortable if this happened to him. Tbh, even if he 'enjoyed' himself, it wouldn't bother me.

As they say, you can look, but do not touch. It would be different if he had a sexual interest & got off on it though.

Apparently not everyone draws the line at other people rubbing their genitals on their partners as long as "there's no emotional involvement", it's a special occasion, or friends are paying and can take the blame.

Meant to add,:

But if it bothers you then the is an issue. Only you know what you want to do. It might be worth weighing up the pros and cons, unless this is a red line for you, in which case I'd take a few days to think things through, before making such a life changing decision.

Good luck with whatever you decide though

@smallereveryday

You say habitual use of prostitutes. So the occasional shag with a prostitute would be OK?

You say habitual use of prostitutes. So the occasional shag with a prostitute would be OK?

And if it is? What someone tolerates in their own relationship has nothing to do with you.

@laughingcow

We are on an Internet forum where it has been known for people to ask questions about people's relationships.