Private lap dance :(

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Changed name for this post

Dh to be, had his stag weekend. Fun and games during day and meal out/drinking in evening. Ended up at a lap dance club, I suppose no particular issue with this he's never been before and I wouldn't have thought his thing though, but he had the dredded 'private dance'. Paid for by his mates. Went into a private room, she made him lay down and she was fully naked except suspender belt. She straddled him, sat on him, touched his legs and chest and obviously her stripper lady bits and bum were not far from him at all.
I know the details as basically I asked. I am gutted and cannot get the images out of my head. My DH to be feels terrible and said he didn't realise it would be so graphic etc etc.

I sway between feeling ok and trying to shut it out to feeling physically sick. My ex husband had an affair and left me and children so perhaps I am over sensitive.
This is a rant I know :(

I don’t understand why your husband vomiting on a stripper and being thrown out (poor woman, skanky bloke!) means you’re not mad! He had the lap dance whether he threw up or not!

Someone who can see through the socioemotional showboating going on here, to a real person underneath, who is going through a real crisis- and could probably do with some honest advice, rather than hypothetical “if that were mes”

What advice have you given the OP?

Your earlier link shows most men surveyed don’t feel uncomfortable. Were you trying to say that her fiancé was probably lying? That he did enjoy it?

His friends got him in an extreme silly state as a stag challenge of some sort, and he had to leave his own stag party to go home as he could not stop vomiting.

I'm not mad as it's was years ago, and I'm not going to bring it up now.

Knowing he was in that state makes it ridiculous he even had a dance, or even let into the club.

My comment was backing up the OP that lap dancers are naked (she had someone questioning her earlier, saying you wouldn't get naked dancers for £40).

No need to side track the post guys, I am not asking for opinions

And it probably is some of you- so be careful

Be careful of what, exactly? What a childish thing to say. If my partner turns out to not be what I thought he was then I will have to reconsider my position, and move on from there.

Your "real advice" seems to be to put her feelings and boundaries to one side, which isn't very helpful.

I don't think we were side tracking the post, your comments just came across as though you thought a lap dance was ok because he threw up on her, and it seemed a bit weird. 🙂🙂

Give him a private dance of your own and create your own images with him.

FFS.

Merh, sometimes you can write things in a way you don't mean. Text can make it harder.

I am not mad at him cause it was years ago, I have clarified.

My husband knows that if he were to become involved in a situation with a stripper/ lap dancer, he would be moving out of our house and looking for another wife.

For me, it is cheating. Being with another women in a sexual capacity, whether that’s watching or touching...makes no difference to me. I think it’s gross, I’d lose all respect for my DH and I’d be infuriated if he spent our money on such a degrading act.

But that’s just me and my prerogative. Each to their own and if women are ok with this behaviour then that’s fine too.

Op, you know how comfortable you are with this type of thing and whether you can forgive and forget. Your dp does seem to be honest and repentant about it, so only you can be the judge.

No- I’m suggesting that the OP is vulnerable, and as per her previous post- isn’t decided as to how she feels.

I sway between feeling ok and trying to shut it out to feeling physically sick. My ex husband had an affair and left me and children so perhaps I am over sensitive.

I think that there probably is an element of her history making her over sensitive, at least from my personal perspective, and that her whole life could be derailed by the kind of very partial moralising that this thread is abundant in.

I mean that posters should be careful not to pin their colours too hard to a mast, when they haven’t been in that position - and for all they know, could be one day, lest they find that in actuality, a drunken lap dance isn’t worth derailing a whole life over- and end up hypocrites.

@Handsoff

I think that there are an AWFUL lot of women on this thread who think lapdancers are beneath them.

@sheep

I understand what you are saying. However, I know that it is not in my nature to get over something like this.

DH and I have one son in his teens. I would derail our marriage in a heartbeat if my husband disrespected me in this manner. For me, it’s one step away from hiring a prostitute.

Not everyone will agree and I do think op needs to think long and hard about what SHE feels. Some of us would end a marriage over this though.

Harry - I’m not sure what element of this you’rs not grasping?

The “cheating” is the fact that he PAID for the woman one-to-one (well his friends did, but same difference).

That’s the line.

Of course he had no feelings for her or vice versa . That’s irrelevant. Of course he’s not going to see her again or whatever. Again - irrelevant. Why even mention it?

There is always some guy who comes in these threads and says, “look to your own DHs - yadda yadda...”

I accept it’s easy to take the moral high ground on such matters and it’s a different matter when you’re in the situation.

I have been in the situation- ish. DH has been in strip clubs on stags, inc. some dodgy ones abroad. That was horrible enough. Many years ago, I went in one with him (but it was more of a stage show place). He is adamant though he’s never paid for extras. If he had, I’m quite clear that would have been the end. I do believe him because he’s never lied to me about anything else, inc porn use. I’ve known him 20 years and I’m pretty sure I can tell when he’s hiding something. He didn’t go in one on his own stag - they were mountaineering.

So you can come on and say, “Yes well he wouid say that..” It’s true, nobody can ever be 100% sure if anyone or anything. But all I can say is, if I did know for sure he had done that, I wouldn’t love him anymore.

I’ve spent many years working with trafficked / vulnerable women so the whole cognitive dissonance approach doesn’t work with me.

I would have thought that having a man vomit on you would be one of the hazards of the job. After all, much of the time excessive amounts of alcohol is involved and getting too close for comfort.

Being vomited on is a hazard in many jobs, nursing, care, working with animals and children.

I don’t think people are happy it happens...just realistic...if you are getting that close to drunken people, you might get thrown up on.

Plus op, if it’s any consolidation, the stripper probably rubbed her vulva over many men that evening. Your husband wasn’t special. Yuk.

I see where you are coming from, if your ex-husband cheated, of course you feel very uncomfortable. But keep in mind something: your husband was extremely honest with you, and this has a massive importance and shows how strong your relationship is.

I struggle myself with jealousy, and you know what the best thing to do is? First, accept your feelings. It's ok to feel jealous, you have your reasons. Second, speak about it to your husband. Not in a moaning way, but as an expression of how you feel.

I understand how you feel, remember to keep your anxieties separated from facts- he did not and never will, sleep with her.

Mia x

Cheating or not, the fact remains that the normalisation of it being 'no big deal' and acceptable for big groups of men, or on their own to go and stare at women as sexual objects is bad enough. Why are people saying its nothing sexual or related to sex about it? Eh? Naked or nearly so, sexually grinding on men is not sexual? 😂 Its all about sexual thoughts and feelings and power. Yeah some blokes its a 'laugh' but at whose expense? Their wives, and the objects.

Yeah, just don't think about what mental state these women are in and if not now, but down the line, how this will likely affect their mental health and life choices and self esteem for the rest of their lives. Whether they fully accept it or not. Fuck thinking about the huge trafficking and sex worker problem in the world. Don't worry about it, its just silly women! Men need a eyeful and a laugh guys, don't worry about the technical stuff, like society, women and peoples lives lived as sex slabs of meat.

This bullshit perpetuates the problem women face their entire lives. We are just there to be used and ogled. It doesn't matter, its just a dirty stripper. These men visiting these places are the same cunts that would chop their daughters hands off if she grew up to strip, the type that says to their kid, 'you're not allowed a boyfriend till youre 40' and thinks its endearing/protective when its bullshit.

Its double standards. And its vile.

Also, laughing at folks that say 'yeah I've been to strip clubs and blokes im with bought me a private dance/lapdance. I was fine with it.' yeah, for their pleasure and power. It wasnt for you. It was for them to enjoy watching you feel flustered or uncomfortable or to get some kicks out of it if you enjoyed it.

All of this bullshit boils down to power, control and certain men thinking they should be able to do whatever they like because they are more important than women. They 'can't help it.'

Anyone that can think its no big deal is not looking at the bigger picture, and the huge implications and subtle but long lasting effects this continues to have on how women are viewed and treated. And made to put up and shut up.

I think that there are an AWFUL lot of women on this thread who think lapdancers are beneath them

That's nonsense. Plenty of women have expressed opinions about the men involved, and almost none about the women working as strippers. It is not about them at all.

I think it's more a case of men who visit these places think the sex workers are beneath them.
They see all sex workers as a sub set. Then they are other, usually working class women or single parents as the next sub set.
Their wives are of course a level above that. That's why they use these places because they section women into sections.
The wife is too pure to perform dirty sex for them in their eyes.

It's ok to postpone the wedding if you are not sure or you think it won't be a happy day because of this.

@lumpypillow 100% agree.

And seriously are women STILL being called HISTRIONIC for not agreeing with the opinions of men? I don't give a shiny shit how many men think it's OK, my partner paying for a woman to dry hump him naked is not acceptable! And for those who think it is, I really don't understand where your line is if this isn't crossing it!

I don't judge strippers. I judge the entitled misogynists that frequent them.

I mean that posters should be careful not to pin their colours too hard to a mast, when they haven’t been in that position - and for all they know, could be one day, lest they find that in actuality, a drunken lap dance isn’t worth derailing a whole life over- and end up hypocrites.

Someone cheating in this manner would be worth ending my marriage over.

I wouldn’t want to be married to someone who would cheat on me. Or someone who would do whatever his mates said to go along with the crowd. Or someone who would fund an industry that is rife with human trafficking.

I would leave. I’m not saying the OP has to. I’m fact I don’t think I’ve seen any posts saying that?

If it's histrionic to not want to be with a man who thinks women are things for sale and can be bought for sexual entertainment then yeah, I'm histrionic.

It's sad how some people can not get their head around the fact many many men don't treat women like this. Yes some men but women but many don't. A man who wants to buy women should seek a partner who is happy with that type of man instead of lying to a partner who isn't on board plans hurt by it. It's just another childish excuse to make the man have it all. "My mates me" to "most men are doing it"

And a man lying to his wife about him using women like this because he knows she would not stay married to him is a piece of shot and shows further he has no respect for women. If he knows his wife would not continue being in a relationship with him, if he knowledge his wife would not sleep with him if she knew he'd been buying women to dance naked for him then he's denying his wife the right to make her own decisions.

This man told his partner because she asked at least, if he cares for her at all he will let her make up her mind unlike some posters here who have gone so far as to say it wasn't that bad and that the woman won't have been naked.

So many depressing cool girls on this thread.