Baffled...

[fairydustandpixies]

Hello lovely ladies (and gents!),

Please can you offer some advice because I'm utterly baffled.

I'm late 40s and have been dating a guy in his early 50s for a couple of months. We hold hands, we cuddle, we kiss but haven't DTD. On Saturday, he came round to mine and I cooked, after a couple of glasses of wine I decided to be brave and asked him to stay the night. He said yes. Very enthusiastically!

So, it's time for bed. I sleep as nature indended (!!). He climbs in wearing his boxers. Then got up to put his tshirt on. And that was it! I gently tried to initiate by snuggling up to him but, nothing. No party in his pants so to speak, just a cuddle (which was lovely) but, what's that all about??

It took a massive amount of courage for me to do that as I've not slept with anyone for a very, very long time. This guy is lovely, he gives out all the right signals but...nothing!

Is it me, because I thought if someone asks you to stay the night then it means taking things further? He's been married, had other relationships so definitely not gay before anyone suggests!

It does seem slightly odd but he could be nervous, shy or not wanting to rush things. Maybe he was waiting for you to initiate things and when you didn’t he took that as a “not gonna happen” signal and gave you a cuddle instead! He may also suffer from erectile dysfunction but be too embarrassed to say! Have you known him long? Do you feel you could talk to him about about DTD and find out what he likes etc? If anything I would say he wants/ needs solid consent before he feels it’s ok to go further. That is actually a good thing!

Have you done anything sexual yet? If no, he may not want to go from nothing straight to having sex with someone.

Did you snog? Touch each other?

I don’t think he would need more consent than you asking him to stay the night and climbing into bed with him naked.

It could be problems due to shyness or just not that interested in sex (loads of them on MN judging by the number of threads about men with low sex drive.)

How's his health ?
Does he take blood pressure tablets ?
Asking because some health probs / medication can cause erectile dysfunction.
Would you feel comfortable asking him why when you have put all the signals that you were up to taking it further, he didn't ?
You might have to tell him you are looking for a sexual relationship, and if he does not want that, then maybe he is not the man for you.

I think you’re going to have to talk to him.

It could be anything really and we’re just making guesses. My immediate thought would be erectile dysfunction given his age (appreciate that not every man in his 50’s is like that, but being naked in bed with someone would usually illicit a response in the underwear department)

Sounds like ED. Give it a couple of goes and perhaps prod the basket to awaken the snake.

I'd guess ED as well. Poor guy might be mortified and dreading the conversation but there is lots of medical help available.

Probably ED.

Thank you, all! Erm, no, not done anything other than kissing which is why I thought after a couple of months of dating I should take the initiative as there has been nothing forthcoming from him.

He's such a fab guy, we get on so well, just rather confused with this.

Yep, you're right. I'm going to have to find a way of gently having this conversation. Never thought of ED. Good point. He could well be shy too maybe? He's very outgoing, confident, professional career, blah blah, just kind of assumed he would be the same in bed.

It's been so long since I was in a relationship but I did think when it happened it would be a woohooo, ripping knickers off kind of thing, haha! I know I'm old but I still have a pulse!!

So if I get this right, you were naked besid him, kissing, cuddling and there was no physical reaction from him?

Then he's gay or suffering from ED.

being previously married etc doesn't mean he's not gay.

Yes, Blunt. That is absolutely correct. Tried again yesterday morning when we woke up but nothing...

Then this isn't shyness op. He'd have a physical reaction. The fact there was none, says this is something else

I think you need to speak to him, as awkward as it is. Just say I just wanted to talk about the fact we didn't have sex the other night. I would have been happy to, and was wondering what was on your mind.

Or something, I know it's cringe.

Has he been single long ?
Might be nerves

Blunt, you're absolutely right. I hadn't thought of that. There was absolutely no physical reaction whatsoever. Surely there would be with a naked woman's arse tucked into your groin?! TMI...!

Cantsleep, he's been divorced seven years but has dated on and off since.

Cringe conversation ahead...but, hey, what's a relationship without being able to talk openly. Just wish I'd had a heads up (so to speak!!!) before hand, he was so keen to stay over!

From personal experience don't carry on! He's clearly not compatible with you in that way. I was in the same predicament. Felt like he didn't want anything physical, when we were it was awkward and horrible. I was very understanding but he didn't float my boat because i felt like he was asexual.
He just wasn't wired up to be sexual.
It was all a very odd experience that I wouldn't recommend pursuing.

Sorry the wording was wrong!
Basically I knew I didn't float his boat and it felt horrible that the other person just didn't really care for sex.
He would just focus on by boobs and be scared/petrified of anything else. This made me feel awful and so uncomfortable because it has to be natural and you want your partner to enjoy it

Some men need their penis stimulated directly to get an erection, so it may not be ED.

Did you ask him directly? I think 90% of the population would get the subtle hint however.

He could also be a bit worried about the size of his package. Some men are worried they will be a disappointment in bed.

DP avoided spending the night with me for ages. The first time he did I got naked and he had his boxers on. I took direct action and put my hand inside his boxers and... nothing.

He has ED and had never faced up to it before. He'd actually split from his ex because he wouldn't tell her why he wasn't wanting sex with her.

I did my best to be understanding and he went to the doctors. He now has pills to take - I call them the "make Despair happy pills" - and we enjoy a fantastic sex life. We've been together 8 years.

The only way to find out what's happening is to be direct, but make sure you're gentle. I'm not generally one to pander to the male ego but even I realise it's an extremely sensitive issue for them.

I think you're going to have to have an awkward conversation with him and ask him if he is attracted to you and wants to take your relationship to the next level. This would be a polite way of phrasing it. Clearly there's something wrong, as most men wouldn't ignore an invitation like a naked woman snuggling up to them in bed!

Just go to blow him and see if he gets hard!

Did he seem to be into the kissing?

Just go to blow him
😂
Made me chuckle.

This would be a polite way of phrasing it

Agree, but think you need to contextualise it in terms of sex, or he might thing she wants to get married or something,

So. I noticed we didn't get physical the other night, I just wanted to ask if you want to take this to that level, or where you see this going.

And see what he says.

This just seems like way too much effort before you've even started!
Do you have sexual chemistry with him?