Baffled...

[fairydustandpixies]

Hello lovely ladies (and gents!),

Please can you offer some advice because I'm utterly baffled.

I'm late 40s and have been dating a guy in his early 50s for a couple of months. We hold hands, we cuddle, we kiss but haven't DTD. On Saturday, he came round to mine and I cooked, after a couple of glasses of wine I decided to be brave and asked him to stay the night. He said yes. Very enthusiastically!

So, it's time for bed. I sleep as nature indended (!!). He climbs in wearing his boxers. Then got up to put his tshirt on. And that was it! I gently tried to initiate by snuggling up to him but, nothing. No party in his pants so to speak, just a cuddle (which was lovely) but, what's that all about??

It took a massive amount of courage for me to do that as I've not slept with anyone for a very, very long time. This guy is lovely, he gives out all the right signals but...nothing!

Is it me, because I thought if someone asks you to stay the night then it means taking things further? He's been married, had other relationships so definitely not gay before anyone suggests!

Oh! I've just read all of your other messages!

Thank you. I'm not going mad, am I?

He clearly doesn't want sex, hasn't had even a hint of an erection, no touching or anything.

He was the one to initate in the first place.

Bah. Okay. Very odd but you're all absolutely right. Thank you all, sorry I can't thank you individually but you're all awesome. Just saying! X

I would take that as he wants to me more than friends but then he didn’t exactly spill the beans on why he wasn’t up for being intimate. Maybe he would rather have that conversation face to face or maybe he’s completely burying his head in the sand! He’s almost making the suggestion that he wasn’t ready for ‘that’ this weekend but by the weekend he ‘might’ be.... see how it goes at the weekend OP and if he’s still being a fridgid tosspot friendzone him!

Is he telling you how sexy you are and how he can’t wait to spend another night with you and what he’s going to do...? Nah thought not.

Oh well at least you know and don’t have to waste any more time.

I think he wants more op. He wants the kisses, the cuddles, the inneuendo, the snuggling. Why sex is not on his agenda no one knows. Maybe he is gay and in the closet. Maybe he has physical problems. Maybe he will get himself some viagra or something, or maybe he is asexual. Who knows, but right now he's not telling you.

And I don't think he is being fair. He's not being honest with you, he's also deliberately misleading you, and he knows you may think it's you. Hopefully you don't think that. But someone with less self confidence might,

It's very selfish behaviour, but I'd guess it's something he simply can't address.

Are you going to spend another night with him?

It's not me, is it??

I can't be any more open or inviting a conversation?

I'll see him at the weekend I guess, I'll try a proper chat but do agree with you all that this is probably going no where sexually. And no relationship, I want some passion!

This is a new one for me but I am clocking on, been single for a good while, so new rules perhaps?

Thank you all, lovely people!! X

Have you actually had any conversations about sex?

If I’m going to do anything sexual with someone I haven’t been with before, I always ask about their sexual health and say what I’m comfortable/not comfortable doing. Just be up front and ask him what he wants etc and tell him what you want.

No @fairy, it’s definitely NOT you or anything you have done. You’ve waited an exceptable timeframe before inviting him to bed etc and behaved in a perfectly polite way towards him. He’s in his early 50’s NOT 70’s! I’m not of that age yet but I’m perfectly sure that most men are still very much active at that point (as are women!). Perhaps he knows he has an issue but hasn’t sought treatment for it as hasn’t been ‘with’ a woman for a very long time! If he’s looking to address it then that would be acceptable IMO but if he doesn’t then that’s his own choice to make and you can place him in the friendzone!

No Simon, no conversations. Just heavy implications and hints from him. He's always lead, so that's why I'm confused. Surely, if you don't want sex, you've intimated that's on your agenda, a woman asks you to stay the night, you agree very happily, she's naked and making clear it's a green light, then why share a bed with her?

Midders, thank you. I thought that too.

I know this sounds awful and sexist but if you're asked to spend the night, male or female, wouldn't you assume that means you expect sex? I totally get that there will be outrage now, but I asked, he said yes, I was just naked in bed, cuddled and spooned so said naked arse was in his lap, we did just snuggle and slept.

I don't want to upset anyone. He's great, I absolutely respect his boundaries. Just unexpected, so think I need to give him a mental hug and add him to my fab friends x

That is even weirder if he has been the person who is essentially leading it.

No I agree sharing a bed would equal sex for most people, that’s why I would say pretty sharpish what I was up for, purely because it would be a no thank you to the sex. If there was going to be nothing sexual I would just go home and get a decent nights sleep in my own bed.

He is a tease. He is leading you on then leaving you baffled. It's a form of gaslighting and I don't actually like the sound of him.

He has you questioning yourself. Now what does that kind of approach to relationships put you in mind of ?

Thank you Simon. That's what I was thinking. Beginning to get very paranoid...

If asked to send the night, in the he same bed, to d assume it meant sex. And f I didn't want sex I would be very very clear about that before I agreed to stay.

To be honest, I would have called it off when I got undressed and got into bed. I want a guy I am dating not to be able to keep his hands off me by the bedroom stage, I want him to be 'petting' etc and then grappling with my bra hook, writhing on the bed half dressed together. I don't want to be clinically getting ready for bed like a couple who've been married twenty years already.

@Any...bloody hell, you're right.

Couple of months in...no. This is a big NO.

Thank you all for being just wonderful xxx I appreciate everything you've all said, you're so right.

Sending you all hugs, thank you xxx

@VanGogh you're so, so right...

He’s not a great guy any way you look at this, at the very best he’s stupid & selfish.

Cancel going with him at the weekend. You don’t need a ‘friend’ this stupid/manipulative.

You want knicker ripping, for whatever reason, he doesn’t.

TAKE CONTROL BACK and tell him you will NOT be ‘seeing how it goes’. You tried, you saw, you’re out...end of.

@Incredible...
I'm hugging you right now! Thank you!! X

You tried - you didn't see!!

A man without passion (for anything, not just his sexual partner) may as well be dead. He sounds dead from the waist down but rather than being frustrated by ED, he's just not sexually proactive.
Balls to that. I agree, he's selfish and thinks you'll just go along with whatever happens because he's such a great guy. Nope.
Glad you've seen the light. Cancel the weekend plans and get yourself some new toys

@AnyFucker He is a tease. He is leading you on then leaving you baffled. It's a form of gaslighting and I don't actually like the sound of him.

Fuck me, what an awful post, would you say that if it was a man posting about his first night in bed with a woman who didn’t physically react as expected and seemed reticent?! Men have to be deemed to be ‘always up for it’ and when they are not they have ‘problems’ or are ‘frigid’ as another poster so scathingly proclaimed.

He might have ED, he might be shy and need additional reassurance for a multitude of reasons, he might just be a cunt. Ultimately, on the information we have here it’s hard to tell but aside from this he’s thus far been a perfectly nice guy according to the OP.

He says he wants to ‘let things take their course’?!

Errr... the time fir that would have been in bed wouldn’t it? Or the normal thing to do would have been to say something!

party in his pants

Love this

I don’t think he would need more consent than you asking him to stay the night and climbing into bed with him naked

I know this sounds awful and sexist but if you're asked to spend the night, male or female, wouldn't you assume that means you expect sex?

Imagine if these quotes were from men! We teach body autonomy, we try to tell our daughters that they can withdraw consent at any point and this is fine yet when the roles are reversed these are comments from women.

To suggest that you can reverse the genders in this situation is being ridiculous and will fully naive.

@HappyLife21 I’m very much not being wilfully naive, can you explain why you can’t suggest reversing the genders here?