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Original poster

Baffled...

169 replies

fairydustandpixies · 15/04/2019 09:42

Hello lovely ladies (and gents!),

Please can you offer some advice because I'm utterly baffled.

I'm late 40s and have been dating a guy in his early 50s for a couple of months. We hold hands, we cuddle, we kiss but haven't DTD. On Saturday, he came round to mine and I cooked, after a couple of glasses of wine I decided to be brave and asked him to stay the night. He said yes. Very enthusiastically!

So, it's time for bed. I sleep as nature indended (!!). He climbs in wearing his boxers. Then got up to put his tshirt on. And that was it! I gently tried to initiate by snuggling up to him but, nothing. No party in his pants so to speak, just a cuddle (which was lovely) but, what's that all about??

It took a massive amount of courage for me to do that as I've not slept with anyone for a very, very long time. This guy is lovely, he gives out all the right signals but...nothing!

Is it me, because I thought if someone asks you to stay the night then it means taking things further? He's been married, had other relationships so definitely not gay before anyone suggests!

OP posts:
VanGoghsDog · 16/04/2019 22:30

He didn't go to bed wanting sex then change his mind though. Even if he had, this is an adult, why can't he say "I'm not really up for it tonight, let's just go to sleep" (also would be v weird if he did, if that happened to me I'd just say 'actually, I don't think I will stay after all', especially as it's the first sleepover). If he really can't manage to just say that, then he's out for that reason anyway.

I can't see a single redeeming aspect to this guy, sexually.

VanGoghsDog · 16/04/2019 22:34

Of course a woman can get into bed naked with a man without wanting sex.
I fail to see why they wouldn't have a conversation about it though.

This is a DATING situation, not random mates or strangers suddenly needing to share a bed for some reason.

And of course consent can be withdrawn at any time but ffs, the person withdrawing it does need to make that clear. People are not mind readers.

But it's irrelevant anyway, the OP didn't force herself on him, she just tried to initiate and he did not reciprocate, so she stopped. Like a normal adult would in that situation

KatesMott · 16/04/2019 22:40

Ok we can agree to disagree- there are moments in my life when, after an event, I wished I’d handled it better or said/acted in a different way. With the benefit of hindsight I’ve castigated myself over such interactions and I’m sure this goes for many if not all people at some point in their lives.

Sometimes, the people you care most about or want to impress are the ones you can find it hardest to admit things to that are potentially embarrassing or sensitive. As I said further up thread this guy could be a complete cunt but to write someone off for not having sex the first time you instigated staying over seems a little hasty and some of the comments on here have been unnecessarily harsh

NoughtpercentAPR · 16/04/2019 22:44

Of course a woman can get into bed naked with a man without wanting sex.

Whilst this is true, I subscribe to the view that if you have an adult heterosexual woman doing this with a man she has been dating and kissing, the odds of her getting into be naked with a man FOR THE FIRST TIME without wanting to have sex are low. That's not to say it never happens as there are reasons why, but I agree that a normal person who is attracted to and has had prior sexual interaction with the man would be very clear about why they didn't want to have sex.

Sexual intercourse is a two way consensual activity. It's really not that odd for both a man and a woman in that situation (Dating and prior sexual contact) to assume that getting naked into a bed together consensually for the first time is going to be when you have sex together for the first time. Short of demanding someone sign a consent form, it's a normal way a relationship progresses. For that reason, if the position of either person is that they do not want to have sex, they should be clear about it.

SimonJT · 16/04/2019 22:46

Very true KatesMott, the biggest problem here is that none of the parties involved have actually spoken about it, and until that happens nothing can be resolved. I didn’t have sex with my ex who I was with for 18 months, but instead of being all weird I spoke about it, meaning problem avoided.

Personally if someone expected sex the first time we did anything sexual I would find that odd, but I would be a grown up and tell them.

VanGoghsDog · 16/04/2019 22:57

@KatesMott - you are totally projecting and talking about a different situation than the one the OP has presented.

@NoughtpercentAPR - yeah, if you read the rest of my post I've pretty much gone on to say what you've said after selecting just one line from my post.

BummyKnocker · 16/04/2019 23:05

When you snog him, does he get hard, can you have a feel.....

AnyFucker · 16/04/2019 23:29

Katesmott are you saying you do not believe the op's take on this situation ?

KatesMott · 16/04/2019 23:31

@AnyFucker of course I’m not, I’m just not extrapolating from it that he was a gaslighting tease, unlike you.

AnyFucker · 16/04/2019 23:38

Correct katesmott

Instead, you are extrapolating something entirely different. So...you advise the op your way and leave me the fuck alone to do it mine

KatesMott · 16/04/2019 23:50

@AnyFucker I’m not, I’m very much just urging we look at the language we use and the preconceptions we sometimes have, particularly with regards to male and female stereotypes, and see how it can affect the wider picture societally.

If you are happy to use language like ‘tease’ to describe someone who shied away from sexual activity for a currently unknown reason then that is entirely up to you. I reserve my right to feel that this is a harsh response and a potentially damaging viewpoint but I will ‘leave you the fuck alone’ as requested as I believe everyone has the right to be respected- which was pretty much the point of my post in the first place

Devilrocknroller · 16/04/2019 23:54

I think the text from him was a great response! He’s just taking his time!! He said both would be best, that’s a great response. He wants to be more with you but also friends - that’s what the best relationships are made of!!

flatulencebythebucket · 17/04/2019 00:13

He could be nervous or out of practice...or just not in the mood.

In my mind it's a bit too forward of you ....which personally i find a turn off. You made it all too available & on show.

I've been with my Mrs for 10 years & we never initiate sex just by getting starkers.

You sort of pressured him with it which was bad of you...and if a guy did it he would of probably gotten slammed on here.

HappyLife21 · 17/04/2019 00:17

Thing is, he says he wants more, but his cock says otherwise.

HappyLife21 · 17/04/2019 00:30

I would be a bit creeped out by a guy who thought that was too forward after a couple of months.

Each to their own Grin

kbPOW · 17/04/2019 00:30

In my mind it's a bit too forward of you ....which personally i find a turn off. You made it all too available & on show.

That's the kind of attacking and deflecting post typical of a man with ED and aiming to avoid dealing with it or talking about it. It's aim is to shame the woman to defend his inadequacies.

MsDogLady · 17/04/2019 04:15

He has given “heavy implications and hints” that he wants a physical relationship. He initiates kissing and says, “When I stay over.” When you asked, he was enthusiastic.

You felt safe enough with him to be vulnerable, inviting him to stay over and sleeping naked. He knew that he had led you to expect taking the next step. Yet he left you feeling perplexed and foolish, with no care or explanation. A “lovely..fab..great” man would not have treated you with such disregard.

I wouldn’t spend one more moment with this manipulator.

Original poster
fairydustandpixies · 17/04/2019 06:28

Eeek, I've really put the cat amongst the pigeons here!

At the end of the day, we are two adults, having been dating a couple of months, he has always lead and initated, I didn't force him to stay over, I asked and he couldn't say yes quick enough. I didn't grab his cock and demand sex, I was naked in bed and he just pulled me in for a cuddle, no erection, no conversation about it, just that. Nothing in the morning either.

@winelady, I'm sorry about your situation and I wouldn't be happy with that either. No wonder you love chardonnay! Grin

Back to the matter in hand (or not as it were...!), he always texts me goodnight but I've not heard from him since 6pm yesterday which is unheard of until now. But never mind, it's early days, if it doesn't work out then it doesn't. I'm not going to push him or hound him, think I'll just leave it and see what happens. Still totally baffled but, hey ho! I'll chalk it up to experience...!

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 17/04/2019 07:58

I'd also leave it up to him now op. I suspect he was hoping you'd be ok with no sex.

If he's a bit of a git he might try to make it your fault. Watch out for that.

Mapofthesoul · 17/04/2019 08:04

He might back off now you have mentioned it.

Middersweekly · 17/04/2019 08:11

@flatulencebythebucket “a bit too forward” Whaaaaattttt???!!!! The OP did not leap on the guy and rip his boxers off! There was also plenty of kissing beforehand with their clothes on! The OP did not ‘pressure’ him at all, that’s a complete fabrication! I also don’t believe that within a 10 year timespan you’ve never initiated sex whilst being fully naked!

@KatesMott - this forum is made up of 95% women so the likelihood of women using the same turn of phrase to another woman is unlikely. If roles were reversed and it was 95% men, I can say with absolute certainty that the woman would be called every derogatory name possible by the posters!

As for stereotyping that fact of the matter is women are biologically hardwired differently. Our reasoning for declining sex in this situation (roles reversed) would likely be, she’s on her period or she is worried about getting pregnant! Obviously a man can worry he might get a woman pregnant but the only other reasoning/s have been laid out within this thread and are perfectly plausible explanations.

LexMitior · 17/04/2019 08:52

Ah Mr Cuddly who is not really all that Cuddly.

He makes you wonder about him. He is romantic and passionate. But his problem will become like neat acid on your self esteem.

I think what is really telling is that even if there is no action downstairs, he made no effort to give you any pleasure.

What you did wasn’t dreadfully forward, but if he was a good man and not afraid, he would have addressed that somehow. Even then, it shouldn’t be like this at this early stage. He is charming friend, but not more.

joystir59 · 17/04/2019 11:10

I wouldn't want him as a friend. Just don't spend any time with him for now OP, because I'm reading in your posts that you are feeling somewhat confused and are doubting yourself. You would be wise to put some distance between you and him and recover your self esteem. Spend time with your real friends or doing things you enjoy.

joystir59 · 17/04/2019 11:14

'Charming friends' don't make us feel crap

Original poster
fairydustandpixies · 19/04/2019 15:08

Okay, so just checking in.

I'm receiving innuendos by text, supposed to be meeting him tomorrow.

The husband of the pair who set up the blind date those months ago has just dropped by to borrow my pressure washer and has said he thinks something can't be right. He doesn't know why this guy split from his last wife but thinks something is off.

OP posts: