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Original poster

Baffled...

169 replies

fairydustandpixies · 15/04/2019 09:42

Hello lovely ladies (and gents!),

Please can you offer some advice because I'm utterly baffled.

I'm late 40s and have been dating a guy in his early 50s for a couple of months. We hold hands, we cuddle, we kiss but haven't DTD. On Saturday, he came round to mine and I cooked, after a couple of glasses of wine I decided to be brave and asked him to stay the night. He said yes. Very enthusiastically!

So, it's time for bed. I sleep as nature indended (!!). He climbs in wearing his boxers. Then got up to put his tshirt on. And that was it! I gently tried to initiate by snuggling up to him but, nothing. No party in his pants so to speak, just a cuddle (which was lovely) but, what's that all about??

It took a massive amount of courage for me to do that as I've not slept with anyone for a very, very long time. This guy is lovely, he gives out all the right signals but...nothing!

Is it me, because I thought if someone asks you to stay the night then it means taking things further? He's been married, had other relationships so definitely not gay before anyone suggests!

OP posts:
Wineladyloveschardonnay · 16/04/2019 21:17

Honestly, I would get rid. My DH was like this when we met. We are still together 11 years later, and our sex life is in the crapper. It has been 11 years of me wanting, and him disappointing me. I would honestly RUN.

Wineladyloveschardonnay · 16/04/2019 21:23

I should add....I was quite vulnerable when we met...my Ex was a serial cheat, and I thought how admirable it was that my now DH wasn't ripping my clothes off. Oh, how naive. If I ever find myself single again, this would be an enormous red flag.

Op, you will always feel like you are in bed with a chocolate eclair, whilst on a strict "no eat" diet. Don't put yourself through it. It's hell.

Wineladyloveschardonnay · 16/04/2019 21:25

Oh, and my DH thinks we has sex last week....hmm, more like 3 weeks ago (for all of 5 mins).

Original poster
fairydustandpixies · 16/04/2019 21:26

@kates I understand what you're saying but in this instance he'd lead me to believe he wanted more, I asked him if he wanted to stay, he said yes, I got into bed naked, I didn't pressure him, we 'snuggled', he pulled me into a hug, we 'spooned' so my naked arse was in his lap, I didn't force anything, if someone asked me to spend the night with them after a couple of months of dating, with signals waving, if I didn't want sex then I'd say no. I'm 47, he's early 50s, we're not kids.

OP posts:
KatesMott · 16/04/2019 21:33

I appreciate that OP and it’s not about force, it’s more that we can all have doubts and issues once we get in the position we want to be in- be it a promotion at work or a fuck with the person you’ve lusted after for months.

There could be so many reasons it progressed the way it did and it easy to say he should just talk about it but that can sometimes be the hardest thing. If you believe he is a good guy and hasn’t done anything that would provoke red flags in other areas then does he not deserve the benefit of the doubt?

crappyday2018 · 16/04/2019 21:34

Hi OP, it does sound like this is all on his terms. His response to your text is so vague and non-committal - that would irritate me.
He is either being a weirdo tease, got a physical problem or gay. None of those options is great is it.
If there was no problem, his response should have been something along the lines of "I'm a total idiot for not reading the signs and was trying to take things slowly. Next time I will rip of your knickers" or something like that. His response was as weird as the night itself.

Original poster
fairydustandpixies · 16/04/2019 21:35

Sorry!! Just want to say thank you to you all for replying.

I will let you know if and when I get an answer. Maybe he just doesn't fancy me. That's fine but he kind of intimated otherwise!

I hope he'll be a friend, he's a great guy. Just so confused that he lead me to think he wanted more physically, ah well...

OP posts:
KatesMott · 16/04/2019 21:38

Please could people stop suggesting a man who, for whatever reason, didn’t want to or was not able to have sex is ‘gay’ - it’s offensive across so many levels. Its on a par with guys who would ask if I was ‘a dyke’ for rebuffing their advances

Original poster
fairydustandpixies · 16/04/2019 21:38

@crappy thank you!! That's made me smile!

OP posts:
Wineladyloveschardonnay · 16/04/2019 21:39

he pulled me into a hug, we 'spooned' so my naked arse was in his lap

My DH does this all the time, even if we haven't had sex for 3 weeks....then he falls asleep.

I am 49, he is 46

The resentment is bubbling out of my pores. I need a FUCK.

Don't be me.

tessiegirl · 16/04/2019 21:40

I think he wants more than a friendship.
He is saying he hopes you would both friends or more (as in a relationship) but both would be best...meaning both in a relationship while having the closeness of a friendship...

NoughtpercentAPR · 16/04/2019 21:41

He's been married, had other relationships so definitely not gay before anyone suggests

Sorry but this doesn't follow. Oscar Wilde was gay and married. Rock Hudson was gay and married. Elton John is gay and was married.
History is littered with these kind of examples.

It's not uncommon for men to be gay or bisexual with a stronger gay inclination but to be totally in denial even to themselves because they were brought up in a society that didn't accept homosexuality (religious community; bigotted parents and so forth).

It definitely isn't normal for a man to go to bed with a woman for the first time who he has been kissing and is attracted to and not have an errection. This is his problem not yours.

Either he is asexual/gay and in denial and using you to cover this fact publicly as he did with his previous relationships or he has a medical problem.

The odds of him being in this situation with you if he is heterosexual and medically operational because he's not attracted to you are zero.

HappyLife21 · 16/04/2019 21:41

The reason you can’t reverse the genders is that if a woman did not want to have sex with someone she had been dating and hinting at sex with, she would be very unlikely to get into bed with the bloke naked without having a conversation with him about not wanting sex. Just wouldn’t happen.

Wineladyloveschardonnay · 16/04/2019 21:41

For many other reasons, I think our marriage is over. But, in all honesty, if the sex had been good and frequent, it would have made a lot of other stuff dissolve away.

Original poster
fairydustandpixies · 16/04/2019 21:44

@kates would you invite a guy to spend the night with you and not expect him to make a move? Or a woman come to that? Is that not an invitation? Especially when you're naked? When they've intimated that they want sex?? When you want to share that moment and think this is the next step in your relationship?

OP posts:
SkinnyPete · 16/04/2019 21:44

I'd be surprised if he doesn't want you physically. He's just got a confidence problem. He could open up with a bit of time and encouragement.

Or he could be not a match for you sexually, but binning him off without another chance, as he ticks so many other boxes, is a bit premature.

Middersweekly · 16/04/2019 21:47

@KatesMott I think if the roles were reversed the man in the situation would be equally bemused and baffled! If he invited the woman to stay the night, she jumped at the chance having made several prior comments about getting him into bed and they both undressed and got into bed then...nothing...! I imagine he would leave the situation feeling pretty crap about himself and like he’d been rejected sexually without explanation! I’m sure any woman that treated a man this way would be called way worse actually! The OP in this situation didn’t push the situation to go further and treated the guy with kindness. She hasn’t been rude of disrespectful to him in any way. The facts remain that he hasn’t really given an explaination i.e. suggesting he has a problem in that department or expressed that he’s shy and didn’t really know if he felt ready as it’s been a long time etc. He’s just strung the OP along and thrown her a ‘wait and see’ line. I doubt very much most men would be happy to just ‘wait and see’ if it was ever going to happen without good reason! Why should the OP?

KatesMott · 16/04/2019 21:48

@HappyLife21

The reason you can’t reverse the genders is that if a woman did not want to have sex with someone she had been dating and hinting at sex with, she would be very unlikely to get into bed with the bloke naked without having a conversation with him about not wanting sex. Just wouldn’t happen

Ah ok, thanks for clarifying, and women who’ve been raped and/or sexually assaulted in bed by someone they were dating in similar circumstances- presumably that either didn’t happen or they secretly wanted it.

You can get into bed naked with a man fully wanting sex, you can change your mind at any time after this point for any reason. The same goes for men. It’s imperative that people understand this

Mapofthesoul · 16/04/2019 21:51

I dont think he’s a tease.

He sounds like a nice bloke who is avoiding sex for some reason.

KatesMott · 16/04/2019 21:53

@Middersweekly I’m not saying there is anything wrong with the OP or anyone else for that matter feeling both baffled and rejected by such actions. What I take umbrage with are the people calling the man ‘frigid’ and a ‘tease’ when I’m sure they would not label a woman who had acted the same in the same way

Middersweekly · 16/04/2019 22:07

@KatesMott I disagree! Women would be called a dicktease and frigid as a bare minimum I would think!

HappyLife21 · 16/04/2019 22:08

@KatesMott WTF?! Confused

springydaff · 16/04/2019 22:10

Fucksake, he could have done all those things ie changed his mind but talked about it.This is the headfuck, the tease, the headworker, the gaslighter - that he said nothing, snuggled in, and went to sleep.

He is not a nice man! It's like someone going on a date without a wallet, blithely eating the food and completely ignoring the bill moment, not saying a word about wallet at home but entirely ignoring the whole payment shebang or that someone else pays. Then saying what a lovely time they had and can't wait to do it again. Headfuck!

KatesMott · 16/04/2019 22:12

@Middersweekly by other women on here? I’ve never seen a woman called either of those things on mumsnet when talking about an issue to do with sex

KatesMott · 16/04/2019 22:21

@HappyLife21

You said you believed that no woman would ever get into a bed naked with a man without wanting to have sex or having a conversation about not wanting to have sex. I think this is a massive and dangerous assumption and belittles people in that exact situation who could change their minds about wanting sex and subsequently be raped or sexually assaulted. I don’t think saying it ‘just wouldn’t happen’ is helpful. It’s a common theme in rape cases that the victim is accused of leading the accuser on or asked why they put themselves in a situation deemed to be provocative. Consent can be withdrawn at any time by anyone

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