Baffled...

[fairydustandpixies]

Hello lovely ladies (and gents!),

Please can you offer some advice because I'm utterly baffled.

I'm late 40s and have been dating a guy in his early 50s for a couple of months. We hold hands, we cuddle, we kiss but haven't DTD. On Saturday, he came round to mine and I cooked, after a couple of glasses of wine I decided to be brave and asked him to stay the night. He said yes. Very enthusiastically!

So, it's time for bed. I sleep as nature indended (!!). He climbs in wearing his boxers. Then got up to put his tshirt on. And that was it! I gently tried to initiate by snuggling up to him but, nothing. No party in his pants so to speak, just a cuddle (which was lovely) but, what's that all about??

It took a massive amount of courage for me to do that as I've not slept with anyone for a very, very long time. This guy is lovely, he gives out all the right signals but...nothing!

Is it me, because I thought if someone asks you to stay the night then it means taking things further? He's been married, had other relationships so definitely not gay before anyone suggests!

All very, very valid replies, thank you. Stupid thing is that I'm very happy being single but meeting this guy was due to a blind date set up by mutual friends. Thinking along the lines of you only meet people when you're not looking, I thought okay, what the heck.

He has always started kissing, he's made insinuations which made me think he was interested in me sexually. Is there sexual chemistry? Erm, hard one to call (haha I wish!!), I like him a lot but sex is very important to me in a relationship so that's why I thought after a couple of months and him hinting that I'd take the bull by the horns - sorry, am laughing, oh the euphemisms!!

I really am confused. He's been texting me all day, just chit chat.

Bah. I'm happy single, yeah he's great but off to the friend zone he goes. If a guy doesn't want this hot babe when handed on a plate then his loss...*howls with laughter whilst scooping droopy boobs off lap and getting the polyfilla ready for the morning make up routine...!!!

So you've friend zoned him before asking if there was a reason he wanted to not have sex?

To be honest after a few months i would have expected him to make a move in that situation :S He may have been nervous but you should ask him.

I'd also agree on this one op. It shouldn't be this hard so early.

No pun intended.

I will speak with him, I'm not that harsh! I'll keep you updated...he's a great guy and they don't come along often!

What an odd situation. Most men would jump at the opportunity of a naked female in the lap.

I am curious as to how this progresses.

What's with all the 'poor guy' comments??

What about OP! You poor woman, it must have been soul destroying. Wtf is he playing at?? Or not playing at.

What an absolute headfuck. I'd dump him for that alone - OK if he doesn't want sex but have the respect to SAY something and not lead you on.

What a douche. I don't care if he's got dick rot, it's up to him to tell you what's going on and not to lead you on and ignore the obvious issue.

Dump him. You aren't on this planet to fix men. Two months without desire bubbling up between you and a lack of chemistry?

And the truth is the world is full of great guys. Hold out for one who wants you

I’d be popping him into the Friend Zone.

I want chemistry, lust and intimacy. If there’s none of that, you might just as well be friends.

IF he has ED then he should have talked to you about it before now instead of just ignoring the fact.

I must admit, it has given my self esteem a massive dent - and he's been the one initiating snogging and saying things like, "when I stay over..." (which I did think was a bit cheeky but at least gave the impression he was up for some duvet dancing!).

Oh, and he sent me a text last night saying goodnight and that he misses having a 'lovely snuggly lady in bed with him'. Not quite the passion and longing I hoped for!!

Get rid!

Oh no he just want snuggles! I think that says it all tbh.

Oh cripes @OP, you really have to ask him now why he wasn’t up for DTD. Maybe he has pills to help him generally but as it was impromptu he didn’t have them with him? I am hoping it works out for you!

You are a woman not a lady. 'lovely snuggly lady' is deeply twee and unsexy

Unless you have felt an erection at some stage maybe a micro penis?

Who wants to be a lovely snuggly lady? Maybe he is just not sexual.

You are all absolutely correct. I know this is a conversation to have face to face. Have invited him to join me at a local event this weekend then added this (I know texting is just rubbish but I get a vibe that he can't open up in person) so I've sent him this ...oh! He's replied, hang on, but my message...
"Okay, it's a plan!!
I did think we might be intimate at the weekend when you stayed over. If that's not on your agenda, absolutely no problem, you're a fab guy and I hope we'll remain great friends! Xx"

So this is his reply...
"We can let things take their course and hopefully we will both have a great weekend. I hope we'll be friends or more, but both would be best xx"
I am totally lost and baffled beyond baffledom!
Friend zone, yeah???
Completely confuddled (technical term!)

Well he's not telling op. He doesn't want to talk about it. So he's got s problem he doesn't wish to tell you about and he's hoping you'd be ok with a sexless relationship.

He's not for telling uou thr reason for it though, and that's quite understandable when it's over text.

Maybe see how things go at the weekend (are you spending the night together?), see how it goes in bed and if he actively avoids sex or doesn’t react at all then definitely talk to him face to face the next day.

It takes a very entitled man to be willing to make a woman celibate, without any discussion.

Whatever his issue or life situation is, he's not dealing with it and/or making it your problem.

It's not your problem. Break up and find someone compatible.

I thinkhe wants a snuggly teddy bear not a woman with a pulse

Blunt, you're right, I understand that. I think I'm flogging a dead horse, so to speak. He'll be a great friend I think, I never even wanted a bf but was encouraged into a blind date and that's fun, especially living sonewhere brand new! Thanks for your advice, and from everyone else. It's invaluable. I do think this may be the start of a great friendship - perhaps! - but my knickers aren't going to be ripped off anytime soon!!

I think he's hoping to get past his ED but not very hopeful. He's acting as if it's perfectly normal just to wait and see. I personally think failure to be up front about it is a problem. It also paves the way for 'oh so you want us to split up because sex is the only thing that matters to you'. Sex is important.