Baffled...

[fairydustandpixies]

Hello lovely ladies (and gents!),

Please can you offer some advice because I'm utterly baffled.

I'm late 40s and have been dating a guy in his early 50s for a couple of months. We hold hands, we cuddle, we kiss but haven't DTD. On Saturday, he came round to mine and I cooked, after a couple of glasses of wine I decided to be brave and asked him to stay the night. He said yes. Very enthusiastically!

So, it's time for bed. I sleep as nature indended (!!). He climbs in wearing his boxers. Then got up to put his tshirt on. And that was it! I gently tried to initiate by snuggling up to him but, nothing. No party in his pants so to speak, just a cuddle (which was lovely) but, what's that all about??

It took a massive amount of courage for me to do that as I've not slept with anyone for a very, very long time. This guy is lovely, he gives out all the right signals but...nothing!

Is it me, because I thought if someone asks you to stay the night then it means taking things further? He's been married, had other relationships so definitely not gay before anyone suggests!

I wouldn't even friend zone him but then I take no nonsense these days. Too old for that shit. He's playing games, intentionally or not, that's what he's doing.
Next!

More of the same then? What are you going to do?

Innuendo? He can fuck if with that crap. All talk no trousers!

Ate you going to meet him? What are you going to say/do? I just can’t be arsed with game playing. I think I’d just have to ask what he was playing at.

If you are happily single why on earth are you tying yourself in knots over this bloke who is clearly wasting your time and talking a load of shite?? Initiating all the sexy talk, innuendo and appearing 'up for it' and then -nothing.
Seriously baffled at seemingly intelligent women putting up with losers like this, thankfully I am single and refuse to entertain gobshite arseholes anymore. Do yourself a favour and stop communicating with him, he is adding nothing but self doubt and confusion.

There's something wrong here.

Whether he expected sex that night or not and whether he ever wants sex with you or not (totally his right whatever) he knew that you did. He should have said something at the naked spooning stage to manage your expectations. ( Look Fairy I really like you but ...) He should have said something at your direct text question.

So he is dishonest. Either he is lying to himself and massively in denial of his own issues (whatever they may be), or he's lying to you and manipulating or gas-lighting you.

I just wanted to say good luck today @OP and I hope it all works out. I know you’re meeting up with him later.

Can't believe I'm asking.........but..............How's it going ? How apt my predictive text choose groin

Oh god I really hope OP isn't meeting with this waste of time!

Was just popping on to sympathize OP. Among my, admittedly small, group of friends- money and ED have been the biggest relationship issues.

Having a partner with ED destroyed my confidence and much as I sympathize with men with this, I just couldn’t put myself through that again and would urge anyone I cared about to go forth with care (and a big sackful of viagra)

However I’m pretty horrified at some of the language used to describe him and have to agree with many of KatesMott posts. I’m not usually a beater of the “reverse the genders” drum but in this case the language is quite triggering as it’s so reminiscent of that we hear during rape trials and to shame victims and women in general.

Gosh by now I'd definitely have the "ike" by now. Do you even like this guy?
He sounds a creep

Update! Met him yesterday, went to a local garden event thing. He went to hold my hand and I kind of dodged that. Had buckets of innuendos again all afternoon, I didn't respond.

He invited me to meet his mum for Sunday/Easter lunch today!!! Wtf?! I declined.

Again, he's very charming and pleasant, always offers to pay, but I did make it clear that I'm not looking for a relationship (yeah, I know, chickening out of facing the elephant in the room but a relationship was the last thing I wanted when I was set up on the blind date with him).

He referred to himself as my bf, I just laughed and said he should be so lucky - nicely, if that makes sense and he laughed too.

So, end of the afternoon he wanted to carry on into the evening, go for a drink and something to eat, again I declined. He's full of 'talk' but no action. I have a feeling that he needs to be seen as having a gf (hence wanting me to meet his mum), but I'm not a badge or a label to be paraded about. Oh, and we bumped into someone he knew and he puffed up and made a big thing of saying hello and introducing me.

I've decided he is going to be a friend. Nothing else. I'm not getting dragged into silly games, I'm not listening to his innuendos and thinking he 'wants' me anymore. I'm not a thing or an object, I'm me. So there. *sticks tongue out, folds arms and stamps feet...!!!

Well done @fairy. You are worth way more. Personally I can't bear inneundos. Reminds me of my man child porn addicted ex! 🤢

I wonder if he went home feeling baffled?

Do you really want a friend to go around gardens with? Last week you were in bed naked with him.

I think you need to both be clear what this is now.

Awww bless you fairy, I am not surprised you felt the need to brush him off. I bet he’s left yesterday feeling rather baffled also lol! I am not sure you’ll ever know why he behaved in such a way but it sounds like you’ve made your mind up to friendzone him. Fair enough!

I admit his actions were very odd in bed but from your update I'd be confused if I were him!
I don't blame you for not wanting to meet his mum this early on but not holding hands and the things you said to him about not being his girlfriend and not wanting a relationship were mixing the signals up in my opinion.
Personally, I think you should have at least made it clear before you went out with him yesterday that you only wanted to be friends now or waited to see if there was any action to be had that night.
He's probably baffled now too!

Now you're both playing games. I'm amazed you met him tbh. Like others have said, he's probably baffled now too. You need to be clear with him, not joke and dodge things. You're doing just what he is and that's shitty.

Why bother with being friends with him op?

He does not sound as though he is friend material or lover material. He sounds phoney.

You’re hurting & I get that, no one wants to get into bed with a bloke and get friended, not after all the innuendo. It’s a massive kick to your ego.

But you’ve ended up being just as baffling to him now really.

There’s nothing in this for you. You don’t need the tension, weirdness, negative crap that having him in your life will bring. You don’t need this...just stop communicating with him, you HAVE friends, you can have a FB or more friends. You don’t need this bloke causing weirdness in your life.

You won't be friends unless he comes out

♠️🧔♠️

Maybe he just wasn't ready to DTD the other night. Happy to get close and snuggle but just wants more time and to get to know you more

Nothing wrong with that - if the sexes were reversed and it was the woman not quite ready, wanting more time and the man responding with silliness like refusing to hold her hand afterwards we'd all be saying "get rid".

I had similar in the guy I was last seeing
He started to make me feel like I was a sexual deviant for getting turned on/wanting sex but was constantly going on about snuggles and cuddles and buying a house together! They don’t make sense!

I started to feel like he wasn’t enjoying it when we did have sex (he had ED so sex was really hit and miss) so I stopped making any effort in my appearance or any attempt at initiating sex and a full 6 weeks went past with no attempt from him to rekindle anything. We had a disagreement about something then I ended things and I was so relieved but it has really done a job on my self esteem. I’ve spent 4 months feeling disgustingly unattractive with no interest from any men and avoiding Male contact!

Don’t end up in my boat! Friend zone him