He said he wouldn't buy me a Land Rover. Should I let it go?

[HisMoneyMyMoneyCardboardBox]

That title is a bit out of context but I wasn't sure what to put.

My husband inherited a house worth a lot of money. We are painfully broke but in arguments a couple of times he's used it to beat me round the head with as a 'come back' (there's been threads on this before in AIBU).

It bothered me enough to threaten to leave him. In the end we got counselling and it helped a lot.

Fast forward to now and after him making some seriously ill advised financial decisions (which I strongly advised against but he did it anyway) we are finally putting the house on the market and buying our own place.

I'm on maternity leave, so I've been doing most of the stuff with regards to estate agents and solicitors.
He's said a few things that have pissed me off though and given our past issues with this house and me feeling like he's not seeing us an equal, it's pissed me off.

First of all when getting the second valuation done on the house, he told the guy to contact me as he was working and referred to me as his secretary. Corrected himself and said I was a PA.

Today we live leave a Land Rover garage so I said why don't I get one when we sell the house (I don't want one really it was just a silly comment). He said
"You're note getting a Land Rover. It isn't happening."

I thought he was a bit of a bell for telling me I couldn't do something but forgot about it.

Tonight we were discussing things and after his firm response about Land Rovers earlier in the day I joked that I was going to buy one.
He said
"I'm not buying you a Land Rover."

So that's fucking clear cut then. He inherited the money so despite us being married and of equal partnership he STILL considers this HIS money.

He said it was a slip of the tongue but there has been so many bloody 'slips of the tongue'.
Is this it for the rest of my life now? This inequality? Him thinking that we are in a good position thanks to him? That I have to ask permission to buy things and what he says goes and he considers it his money that I'll be spending?!

What?! Erm.. it all sounds very materialistic and a bit uncomfortable.

A car isn't an investment.... Would you not be wise with your inheritance if you were in his shoes?
And I'm not saying you shouldn't own a car but must it be a Land Rover?

I think he seems pretty reasonable. Unless you live miles from anywhere why would you need a Land Rover. He hasn't said you cant share the money he probably doesn't want to waste a chunk of it on an unnecessary huge vehicle.

Money seems to be a big divider in relationships - I suppose it depends on how long you’ve been married and how you dealt with money before. But equally you should not have to beg him to support you on maternity leave as presumably it took two to tango....

My husband wouldn’t buy me a pony, even though we live in a flat, so I completely sympathise

Do you need a Land Rover or live sonewhere remote enough to justify one or is it the fact that he views an inheritance as his money with which to treat you, or not, that bothers you rather than joint. Why do you feel the need to spend it?

The struggle is real.

Whilst you are married and in a partnership, the inheritance ultimately is his, and for him to do as he sees fit. Yes, it would be the done thing to consider the family and overall priorities when deciding what to do with his inheritance, but if he does or does not decide to spend or invest it in a manner that satisfies your own wishes, there is nothing you can do about it.

Have you worked out the depreciation on a naice LR? It's eye watering...

I'd love one but no way, servicing is extortionate too. FiL was moaning about how much it cost for his nice but older Freelander.

It doesn't sound as though a Land Rover would be a good idea/financially feasible so he is NBU.

You're downsizing as you can't afford your big house and you want to spend some of the money on an expensive car like a LR?? This sounds bonkers

gofiguire LTB.

My nephew always wanted a pony that would sit on the sofa and watch tv with him. Poor thing never got that either. for you!

Read the OP before you rush in to judge! It's not about buying a Land Rover!

It's about him making it very clear that it is all HIS money, not theirs and HE will choose what, if, when and how to spend any of it now and in the future. Added on to some nasty belittling about her role in their partnership.

OP, that sounds horrible. What was your money and "status" situation (sorry cant think of a better word) like before you got pregnant?

I get that you’re just using the car as an example of his controlling attitude. Yes I’m afraid it does sound as though it is his money and not yours. I had a similar thing with my dh, he inherited on his father’s death and it was pretty much his money. Which is fair enough, really, it was his parents money but when that much money suddenly comes into your lives, by whatever means, it really needs to be discussed by both of you.

Ye, not sure why all the snide remarks aimed at OP. He sounds awful regarding money and if it continues I would need to think about whether I wanted to continue in a relationship like this.

But she's chosen something that (sounds like) is out of their reach financially and not a good idea? And she's said TWICE about getting it.

If it was about something else that they could afford and he still behaved like that then I could see the point but I think the whole 'I want a big shiny expensive car' isn't helping the cause

I understand your issue op. I hear you.

I asked my husband for a Ferrari, he said no too.

Bastard,

Why would you think that it's your money?

In the context you have shared your comment was silly, neither party should make statements about spending significant amounts of money and just expect the other to agree.
It felt as if you are goading him with the comment, if my partner came out with a random comment I might respond abruptly as it sounds very entitled.

You both need to sit down calmly and agree how you can spend your windfall. Accept you may not agree fully but treat each others views with respect. Perhaps you need to lay down those rules at the start of the conversation. It may not be agreed on one discussion.

One of you may want to save or pay down the mortgage whilst the other maybe want to spend, spend, spend.

See if you have agreements on any priority areas and then decide what is left to spend or save.

If you stay married you'll have to toe the line. His line.
If you divorce him you'll get half all the money but lose a husband.
Your choice.

It's women like you who make men terrified of marriage.

I stand to inherit property worth in excess of £1million. Will I marry someone? Will I heck! Singay don't share!!!

I inherited a large sum of money and never did dh tell me how to spend it. He was obviously happy when I suggested using it for a family car and an extension but it was left to me not dh.

I don’t think the point is whether a land rover is a good investment or necessary purchase. It’s that he said ‘I’m not buying you a land rover’ rather than ‘I don’t think we need a land rover’ - I can see why that rankles.

Why do you need one?

I would be shocked if I inherited a lot of money and dh started asking me to buy him one. You should be making sensible financial decisuons together.

Is this a joke. When I inherited a small amount it was my money which I chose to, in part, spend on joint things. Why would he buy you a damn thing?