He said he wouldn't buy me a Land Rover. Should I let it go?

[HisMoneyMyMoneyCardboardBox]

That title is a bit out of context but I wasn't sure what to put.

My husband inherited a house worth a lot of money. We are painfully broke but in arguments a couple of times he's used it to beat me round the head with as a 'come back' (there's been threads on this before in AIBU).

It bothered me enough to threaten to leave him. In the end we got counselling and it helped a lot.

Fast forward to now and after him making some seriously ill advised financial decisions (which I strongly advised against but he did it anyway) we are finally putting the house on the market and buying our own place.

I'm on maternity leave, so I've been doing most of the stuff with regards to estate agents and solicitors.
He's said a few things that have pissed me off though and given our past issues with this house and me feeling like he's not seeing us an equal, it's pissed me off.

First of all when getting the second valuation done on the house, he told the guy to contact me as he was working and referred to me as his secretary. Corrected himself and said I was a PA.

Today we live leave a Land Rover garage so I said why don't I get one when we sell the house (I don't want one really it was just a silly comment). He said
"You're note getting a Land Rover. It isn't happening."

I thought he was a bit of a bell for telling me I couldn't do something but forgot about it.

Tonight we were discussing things and after his firm response about Land Rovers earlier in the day I joked that I was going to buy one.
He said
"I'm not buying you a Land Rover."

So that's fucking clear cut then. He inherited the money so despite us being married and of equal partnership he STILL considers this HIS money.

He said it was a slip of the tongue but there has been so many bloody 'slips of the tongue'.
Is this it for the rest of my life now? This inequality? Him thinking that we are in a good position thanks to him? That I have to ask permission to buy things and what he says goes and he considers it his money that I'll be spending?!

SomethingIdNeverThoughtIdSay

In a way I can see your train of thought. Legally though, married partners are entitled to have control of their own money.

The Married Woman's Property act significantly changed women's situations and allowed them to keep an inheritance in their own right. Mine was given to me by an elderly Aunt who had worked hard for everything she ever had. She would have hated it to be wasted.

My husband is a spendthrift and would have spent my money on luxuries. I made my own decisions to ensure it was used wisely.

was coming on to write the same as potatoes that inheritances arent included as marital assets.

I've read tft. I get it's not about the land rover... however

Landrovers are the best! You dont have to live remotely to reason buying one.

They are expensive though.

I threatened to divorce my husband if he sold ours!

Get rid of the selfish twat and go get your landrover

Most PPs seem to be missing the point here.
It's NOT about a landrover.
DH so obviously sees OP as second rate....calling her his secretary!
It may be his money legally, but morally,,,,you are supposed to be a family. Would he act the same way if you inherited a substantial amount?
I get where you are coming from OP because MY EXDH would have acted in exactly the same way. Which is why he is now my EX.
It's impossible to be happy in a relationship where you always feel as though you are somehow "less" than your DH.
You say he was like this before he got his inheritance. That's a big red flag.

Get a used one like Vera

Me and my partner are in a loving relationship. A few years ago, he inherited a good chunk of money. I saw the money as his as his father had left it to him in his will.

My DH wanted to spend the money very wisely as he said he would feel so guilty just splashing it out on materialistic things, as his father had spent all his life saving that money.

In the end, he decided to put it towards our mortgage and now we are mortgage free.

Let your DH do what he wants with it. Sometimes spending money that you have inherited is more of a responsibility than spending your own.

Fast forward to now and after him making some seriously ill advised financial decisions (which I strongly advised against but he did it anyway) we are finally putting the house on the market and buying our own place.

I'm on maternity leave,

At which point I stopped reading for a bit

My husband inherited a house worth a lot of money. We are painfully broke but in arguments a couple of times he's used it to beat me round the head with as a 'come back'

Would sensibly have been the place I should have stopped. You should have walked away.... some tossers family pile is not reason to stay with someone.

So, he’s shit with money, you had a baby with him -lo and behold he’s still a shit regarding money. This is not going to be a happy and equal marriage.

YABU, it is his money.

I don't even get the thread. You wrote a LOT OP, but it doesn't make much sense.

Is this for real?!
DP (not married but live as if we are, but separate bank accounts) inherited £46k two years ago. I didn't ask for a penny, not even to pay off my overdraft (still haven't). He paid for a couple of nights away and bought me a new camera lens and I was happy with that. It was his money...I wouldn't dream of telling someone to spend a penny of it on me! So entitled.
The money came to him, not you

I must admit I did secretly hope that dh would offer to buy me a new car out of his inheritance. He bought himself one. I didn’t say anything but I was a bit gutted when he didn’t. He did pay off our joint mortgage etc so obviously I’m not being ungrateful but I did rather covet a shiny new car.

I would go fucking ballistic if DH referred to me as his secretary or PA and I would fully expect the same from him if I did it!
This isn't about the land rover.
But the land rover quips are such a passive aggressive and indirect way of bringing it up!
What would happen if you just speak directly about it? Is this joint family money, are you equal partners in his eyes, or not? he is no doubt correct that a land rover is a piss poor investment. Whether you're equal partners in his eyes or not, either partner should be able to veto a fast-depreciating land rover no one really needs, unless you're zillionaires. So using this land rover as a 'litmus test' for what he thinks is not going to work.
If you want to know what he thinks and how he feels you should talk directly, like adults. If he can't do that, then there's your real problem!

I said why don't I get one when we sell the house (I don't want one really it was just a silly comment).

I lost interest when you wrote this. Are you 12? 🙄

I’m reading this as you concerned about his attitude to the money as being his, not as you actually wanting a Land Rover.

It does seem he sees the inheritance money as his. I’m not a lawyer but my understanding of the law is that inheritances are seen as being different to tother money in a marriage if you split up. Not that they aren’t taken into account at all, but they aren’t automatically thrown in the pot if you get divorced. So it I don’t think it’s as cut and dried as you seem to and it may be that your attitude to his inheritance rubbed him the wrong way initially.

However, you’re a sahm and you have little power at the moment. I think, given his language, it would be sensible for you to prioritise improving your own capacity for generating income. He does not sound like a husband you can rely on.

My understanding, after speaking to a solicitor recently, is that inheritances are indeed treated as family money unless the beneficiary has made an effort to keep the money separate from any "family money". And, even if the inheritance is not treated as part of the "pot", it would still be taken account of in any future divorce settlement as it would affect the beneficiary's needs.

I get that people are saying gjits not about the land rover.

But it kind of is. She wants something that's of new use, that's pointless and she doesnt want. She was saying it for the sake of saying.

If dp said 'I might get an Audi'I would say 'not a chance.

We share finances, but we dont require an audi. It would so out there I wouldn't dignify it with a long converstation. Just like he wouldn't for a necklace the size of the ine off titanic.

If it was a remotely reasonable suggestion or if OP really wanted something or a good reason for it, maybe he would have discussed it

It is difficult to say, because you have chosen to use the Land Rover as the 'example' of him somehow controlling the money. Now, unless you live and work on a farm, or possibly a campsite or you work on a large estate with a lot of off road tracks to cover, or are towing boats out of the sea a lot, then getting a landrover would be ridiculous. So you dh is actually right.
Maybe if you had won the lottery and had more money than you know what to do with, but you haven't. He has inherited a house. It isn't likely to mean you are all going to retire and be looking for things to waste money on. You will say that is just an example, but you have said it twice to him, and he has said not to be daft both times - which I would to my dh in the same circumstances. I wouldn't say it was controlling, I would say it was using common sense.

There may well be problems with your relationship, but you have only put the opening post and then not responded for the next 3 pages, so we can't know..

The way I read the OP I thought he was keeping it separate, Random. Though re-reading I think I may have misunderstood.

If dp said 'I might get an Audi'I would say 'not a chance

Agreed. But a person in a healthy normal relationship would not see anything remarkable in that interaction. Which makes me think OP presumably has some history with her partner (she did allude to that in her post, and counselling – it was all a bit incomprehensible so I'm not 100% sure) that is making this all a bigger deal than it normally would be.

I’d love our Landy back but I can’t afford to cough up £80 at the fuel station every week.Lovely cars, much needed in remote areas but very pricey to run.

OH has inherited money a few times. We discussed the best way to use it. We also sold a business and discussed those funds. He is fine doing this, and yet moans about the housekeeping monthly bills. Folk are odd where money is concerned we all have our foibles.

OP you are on maternity leave, when you go back to work you will feel more independent.

I do think you used a terrible example if you want us to believe that your husband is not sharing his inheritance with you.

First you say you are terribly poor and then you ask for a Land Rover.

But more to the point, you do not sound happy with him or even as if you like him very much.

I thought all money that comes into a marriage - wages, pension, inheritance etc is treated the same and is a cash asset of the marriage? So that by law it would become 50% the OPs?

I think there's too much we don't know from the OP, and which makes a difference. (and I note the OP hasn't been back).
Some of these have been asked before but:

Do you live somewhere where a landrover would be beneficial? (I.e. somewhere where the roads are bad and/or the weather conditions harsh)
How close was he to the person he inherited from? I think it makes a difference whether it was an adored parent who has died too soon, or some distant relative he barely knew. I inherited a few grand from an aunt I didn't particularly like and who didn't really approve of me. I had GREAT delight in squandering it on a family holiday I know she'd have hated (Disney. I felt her shuddering from beyond the grave the entire time!). I wouldn't have felt or done the same if I'd loved the person who'd died and mourned their passing. I'd have wanted to honour them more, and use the money in a way they would have been happy with. I'd have liked to have felt they were looking down (or up!) at me and nodding approvingly.

If the inheritance is paying towards where you're living, then it IS a benefit you and your DC as well as him.

The secretary/PA comments are awful, unless he has this kind of sense of humour.

Agree with PPs that you don't seem to like him very much.

I have inherited a lot of money. Half a million. It's my husbands as well as mine in my view and we make decisions about the investment of it together.

However our relationship is good and equal so maybe it's your relationship you need to be concentrating on?