He said he wouldn't buy me a Land Rover. Should I let it go?

[HisMoneyMyMoneyCardboardBox]

That title is a bit out of context but I wasn't sure what to put.

My husband inherited a house worth a lot of money. We are painfully broke but in arguments a couple of times he's used it to beat me round the head with as a 'come back' (there's been threads on this before in AIBU).

It bothered me enough to threaten to leave him. In the end we got counselling and it helped a lot.

Fast forward to now and after him making some seriously ill advised financial decisions (which I strongly advised against but he did it anyway) we are finally putting the house on the market and buying our own place.

I'm on maternity leave, so I've been doing most of the stuff with regards to estate agents and solicitors.
He's said a few things that have pissed me off though and given our past issues with this house and me feeling like he's not seeing us an equal, it's pissed me off.

First of all when getting the second valuation done on the house, he told the guy to contact me as he was working and referred to me as his secretary. Corrected himself and said I was a PA.

Today we live leave a Land Rover garage so I said why don't I get one when we sell the house (I don't want one really it was just a silly comment). He said
"You're note getting a Land Rover. It isn't happening."

I thought he was a bit of a bell for telling me I couldn't do something but forgot about it.

Tonight we were discussing things and after his firm response about Land Rovers earlier in the day I joked that I was going to buy one.
He said
"I'm not buying you a Land Rover."

So that's fucking clear cut then. He inherited the money so despite us being married and of equal partnership he STILL considers this HIS money.

He said it was a slip of the tongue but there has been so many bloody 'slips of the tongue'.
Is this it for the rest of my life now? This inequality? Him thinking that we are in a good position thanks to him? That I have to ask permission to buy things and what he says goes and he considers it his money that I'll be spending?!

All in all, I will pipe down and let the dust settle. I half think this is a genuine worry and half think I'm making a mountain out of a mole hill.

Sorry OP, it took me a long time to write my post and cross posted with you.

This a is a good plan but you need to communicate about it. More counselling perhaps?

I wouldn’t be in a position where I am dependent on someone else to buy me things. It’s so much better to be financially independent.

it may well sound like another demand.

Another demand?! How many demands have I made? I asked if we could buy a new chest of drawers.
Is that really making demands? I suggested buying our son (our son) a scooter, it was a gentle suggestion by the by.

I have made absolutely bugger all 'demads' and I feel annoyed that that's been suggested given how honest I've been on this thread.

Thank you puthat and Nico.

Your attitude to finances do not seem to be compatible. I don't have a view either way because their are pros and cons to shared pots vs individual paths and both spouses being equal in terms of employment childcare or one dependent spouse. However what matters is both spouses have a shared vision and as of yet you don't seem to be there with that. More counselling that focuses on developing that shared vision might help. Best of luck.

It's the *"I'm not buying you a Landover" that is the problem.

If he'd said "we're not getting you a Landrover" then that might have been more accurate. At which point she could have said, cool it moneybags.

I don't think op has expected him to be controlling. In fact, the opposite. She has expected him to share, surely?

If I came into some money I'd be excited for me and fIctional DH and we'd be expressly looking at what we could get, from silly to sensible. You got to have a bit of fun sometimes and "We could move to Monte Carlos" is the type of thing you'd excitedly say and laugh.

Instead he's all Mine! Mine! which is revolting singularly unattractive and unimaginative and dull. Lighten up already.

Yes exactly!!

If he'd said "we're not getting you a Landrover" then that might have been more accurate. At which point she could have said, cool it moneybags
Especially this bit.

You have it absolutely.

Instead he's all Mine! Mine! which isrevoltingsingularly unattractive and unimaginative and dull. Lighten up already.

Some people find it very hard to lighten up about money. Especially inheritance.

No way would I have any expectation of being entitled to 50% of my DH’s inheritance. He inherited property and money from his family and I am very much of the view that it is his to do as he wishes. He has been very generous but I have never asked, nor would I. Anything we earn has always gone into the joint pot and if we split up would be divided 50/50. But his inheritance is his to do with as he wishes.

I love how people say he can keep his inheritance, funny how once divorce becomes real, it becomes a game changer .

But the op is not getting divorced. Unless she is.

three people have already said they don't expect a penny from their other halfs inheritance, but I think that is harsh, as if once the one gets money, the partnership/marriage means less.

If my dh expects my small inheritance to be used on gifts for him he is kidding himself. I decide what happens to it. Not him.

Read the OP before you rush in to judge! It's not about buying a Land Rover!

It's about him making it very clear that it is all HIS money, not theirs and HE will choose what, if, when and how to spend any of it now and in the future. Added on to some nasty belittling about her role in their partnership

^This.

& Yet so many people couldnt see beyond 'she wants a car'.

For those saying it's his money you can spend it how he likes. He is married he is not single. His shit financial decisions will affect his wife and their married lives together.

According to him his wife is his secretary🙄 or wasnt that noticed either in the focus on the car?

So as it's all his money then, does that mean his wife is there just to sort the paperwork and make sure everything goes smoothly - but don't dare expect anything for herself or input into decisions? Do the grunt work and shut up?

If his attitude is 'mine mine mine' why doesnt he do all the paperwork and sorting then?

Whats with this world nowadays? Its not the 1950s yet more and more WOMEN nowadays seem determined to relegate women back there. Belittled, with no say in money matters what the man says goes. Its ridiculous.

OP he sounds wearing and boring to live with. Do you want to stay with him for years unto old age?If so, fine. If not tho and you ever decide to leave, do that when it most suits and benefits you. & Quietly go and get proper legal advice first.

I have read the full thread. The op has money issues with her partner and thinks he should be spending his inheritance in a way she prefers. I am saying that my small inheritance (smaller than any sum mentioned on here) was to be shared in a way I wanted or just for me.

I don't think you're doing yourself any favours, by starting pointless disagreements like this.
You seem to be pushing him and testing the boundaries.
Of course it should be equal, but that doesn't mean you should demand pie in the sky possessions.

I don't see the difference between inherited money and when one spouse hugely out earn the other.

It's a long marriage with 3 DC should one be in relative poverty to the other?

Where is the true partnership?

Agreed.

Particularly as your “D”H is using the money to control you OP.

Sounds like this totally is about the land rover though...

I could have read this wrong but seems like you were kind of hinting for him to buy you a land rover as a way of testing the water about getting presents out of the inheritance, which doesn't sound very mature, that could be why he responded like that

This is turning into Land Rover-gate.

The car "joke" sounds like it was a way of bringing the situation to a head, to force the issue. The elephant in the room (to quote Alexandra Burke ) is that HismoneyMymoney 's DH hasn't done what any loving partner would do in such circumstances, which is to be honest about the situation and not leave the other person 'out in the cold'.

If I inherited a big slug of money no way in a million years would I be "hugging" onto it, not talking about it openly with my DH and not giving any clues as to future possibilities. Even if it were "Look, DH, I've come into all this cash from dear old Uncle Fred, my head's in the wrong place right now. Do you mind if we just let the dust settle, it's all still a bit raw, and we can talk about some options sometime soon when I can cope with decisions a bit better."

It's leaving the situation un-discussed, un-resolved and as if the OP has to wait with baited breathe to know if she'll get some crumbs from his table that's NOT nice and very controlling. What's the point of the money anyway if you can't share some of it with your partner?

But that isn't what the OP has said, DeeDeeCherry.
she said the house he has inherited has been valued at around £600K. Once it has sold they are planning to buy a house - for them - for OP and him - for their dc - for family security, with the overwhelming bulk of that money.
They are in a place neither of them have any experience of before. They are in a place that I assume is never going to be repeated if they "blow it all" this time. I think most right thinking people would want to take stock and not make any rash purchases.
OP has told us she was joking about the land rover, but she also admitted she made the same "joke" twice in a day. That might not be apparent to her dh - as they have never been in a situation before where they have the choice of spending or saving, or of investing or throwing money away on expensive consumables.

I don't think you're doing yourself any favours, by starting pointless disagreements like this.
You seem to be pushing him and testing the boundaries.

I agree with this ^

Money can and does sometimes bring out the worst in people. When I was married, my ex husband was lucky enough (or perhaps not, depending on your point of view) to get bailed out financially by my family. He liked to have a life style that he couldn't afford, yet was always bleating on about not being able to pay various bills and business expenses. After a particularly generous donation from my father, who really should have known better, ex husband booked some seriously expensive holidays and - this is what caught my eye - a nearly brand-new LAND ROVER! The clincher was that I didn't know at the time that my father had donated the money - it went right over my head and into ex husband's bank account. Ex husband told my father that we still had a mortgage (a lie - I had paid that off with inheritances - he had taken out loans). But of course because the money was 'for the good of the family' all was okay. I was never consulted about the seriously expensive holidays (which I didn't want to go on - nor was I ever consulted about a car - I always had the shitty old car) nor the Land Rover. This DESPITE the fact that they were being paid for by my family's money.

Yeah - he's an ex. He had a good innings but he was always HOPELESS with money and I think saw women as a meal-ticket. His father was the same. My father was just stupid and misogynistic with this ridiculous Victorian attitude that women shouldn't worry their fuzzy little heads about money even if the men were totally useless with it.

When it comes to divorce, EVERYTHING is put into the pot. Despite my ex having benefited from HUGE amounts of money from me and my family (I had a well-paid job plus inheritances) all assets are split 50/50. This includes debts - which were all ex's including his vat bills! I would never run up debts and then go on expensive holidays - it's completely against what I believe.

Hey, it's only money and you can't take it with you but as a few others have pointed out it boils down to VALUES. My conscience would never had allowed me to do what ex did but that's why he's an ex. Money really did go to his head in a bad way so I know exactly what you mean OP. When we were first married we both worked hard and there was nothing for him to be arsey about. That all changed when he came into money - from me and my family - and decided that he would chose how to spend it without consulting me.

He was an arse over the divorce money too. Resented the tiny amount I got from his pension, despite the huge leg-up he had had.

OP - I would pull him up on the secretary/PA stuff. Start talking - really talking - about money, values and everything else. I didn't ask enough questions and just blindly trusted ex which was foolish. You are pregnant with his child I do believe. This puts you in a vulnerable position. Don't allow him to exploit this - many men do, sadly. You're about to give him an amazing gift - quite frankly you should ask for a Lamborghini - nine month's of pregnancy and then devoting the next 20 years of your life to bringing up his child.

I'd get him to appreciate you.

I think it's different if you have been together ages, have similar families and attitudes to money. If one of you will inherit and the other not, or get pension etc it does need to be worked out so everyone feels it's fair. It sounds like hes being reasonably generous, but some people would keep it all separate. We split income and expenses equitably but I keep savings I had before and bigger share of property that was bought with inheritance. My partner stands to get pension and inheritance later so things will even up then. If not we can reconsider but I'm not giving away half my inheritance and savings for him to leave me and then get his own. Wills also reflect different beneficiaries because of different histories, children etc. No problem supporting each other where needed.

"So really he absolutely has no right to say
"I'm not buying you a Land Rover.""

So you were giving him some sort of elaborate psychological test? I think I get it, you're seething with resentment over this, and its causing you to act somewhat irrationally. And you know its irrational, but you can't help it. I've been in a similar situation before, not with such high stakes though. I'm sure most people have. And eventually, it passes and you can look back and wonder what all the fuss was about.

He's probably feeling his own resentments, which is why he isn't given you free and unfettered access to the money. Probably he's being unfair. But he's using the money to buy a house right? He's certainly not hoarding it for himself.

Fucksake, they were passing a Land-rover showroom when she said it.

Fucksake, they were passing a Land-rover showroom when she said it

But not the second time. Which is when it would have started coming across as more of a hint.