He said he wouldn't buy me a Land Rover. Should I let it go?

[HisMoneyMyMoneyCardboardBox]

That title is a bit out of context but I wasn't sure what to put.

My husband inherited a house worth a lot of money. We are painfully broke but in arguments a couple of times he's used it to beat me round the head with as a 'come back' (there's been threads on this before in AIBU).

It bothered me enough to threaten to leave him. In the end we got counselling and it helped a lot.

Fast forward to now and after him making some seriously ill advised financial decisions (which I strongly advised against but he did it anyway) we are finally putting the house on the market and buying our own place.

I'm on maternity leave, so I've been doing most of the stuff with regards to estate agents and solicitors.
He's said a few things that have pissed me off though and given our past issues with this house and me feeling like he's not seeing us an equal, it's pissed me off.

First of all when getting the second valuation done on the house, he told the guy to contact me as he was working and referred to me as his secretary. Corrected himself and said I was a PA.

Today we live leave a Land Rover garage so I said why don't I get one when we sell the house (I don't want one really it was just a silly comment). He said
"You're note getting a Land Rover. It isn't happening."

I thought he was a bit of a bell for telling me I couldn't do something but forgot about it.

Tonight we were discussing things and after his firm response about Land Rovers earlier in the day I joked that I was going to buy one.
He said
"I'm not buying you a Land Rover."

So that's fucking clear cut then. He inherited the money so despite us being married and of equal partnership he STILL considers this HIS money.

He said it was a slip of the tongue but there has been so many bloody 'slips of the tongue'.
Is this it for the rest of my life now? This inequality? Him thinking that we are in a good position thanks to him? That I have to ask permission to buy things and what he says goes and he considers it his money that I'll be spending?!

Inheritance is for him to do with as he pleases including sharing it if he chooses.

Is it? Because if I divorce him (I'm not going to) it will be more than half mine.
So how come it isn't when we are married?

I agree with you entirely OP. I consider significant finances joint during a marriage.

H spent his inheritance on him and within a month accepted thousands of pounds towards our house purchase from my family. That was another nail in the coffin of our marriage from my point of view.

When my mum died, the proceeds from her house was divided up between me and my siblings. I would have been horrified if my dh assumed some of it was for him.
As pp has said, my parents worked hard and went without for much of their lives. I have a duty not to piss it up the wall on fripperies for people who are unrelated to them.

I haven’t read your other posts so maybe missing the point. You describe yourself as broke your dh has inherited a house which is being sold to buy your own house. Which to me seems sensible and your asking to buy a Land Rover with the money? I presume you don’t need a Land Rover. I presume the house will be in joint names so I don’t understand what the problem is your dh is sharing the money is making a future for all of you not keeping the money himself or spending it on himself. I think you are in the wrong asking to spend the money on a ridiculously over priced car for yourself when you describe yourself as broke.

It's so sad that it's turned him into a knob.

We've been together a long time, several children, not always a happy/good marriage. If I inherited I would still see it as "ours". I would want to discuss how we handled it.

I suppose I would say "how are we going to align savings and everyday expenses post us buying a house?" I hope he is 100% for putting your name on the deeds!

You are going to have to talk to him and ask for details about his plans.

It does sound like you really don't want to. What do you think will happen when you do? What were the ill advised decisions before.

I think it’s just a bit conflicting! He has said the money will go into the joint account?

You seem to be saying you want half of the inheritance paid into your separate account?

Prior to this inheritance did you split all ‘left over’ money equally? It just seems like a very ‘yours’ and ‘mine’ situation, rather than a marriage!

If it’s going into joint account, surely you just need to discuss what it can and cannot be spent on?

As others have pointed out, a range rover is a poor choice of vehicle. Is this why he was so vehement in his response? As he given any other indications of being stingy?

It's his money... let it go. He probably wanted to spend some on the family, but feels pressured. I can honestly say, that when I got an inheritance, my DH did not meddle with any suggestions. I spend some of it wisely and some on a really selfish once in a lifetime holiday. (DH had to stay at home to look after DC!.)
It always surprises me how people change when large amounts of money are involved.

Is it? Because if I divorce him (I'm not going to) it will be more than half mine.
So how come it isn't when we are married

I'm not sure that's right. A solicitor told me (a good few years ago though) that inheritance wouldn't be considered as part of a divorce settlement.

Dh has for most of our marriage had more savings than me. He has bought be a car before when I needed one. But I also think if I'd asked for a Land Rover he would have said no. He's sensible/cautious with money and would have considered such an expensive car unnecessary.

I've since inherited money which I keep separate from him. I don't even think he knows how much I inherited, he never asked and I've never told him. But I'm saving it for a rainy day. If he asked me to buy him a Land Rover I would say no.

IYou seem to be saying you want half of the inheritance paid into your separate account?*

I simply asked upthread if that would be a better idea. You read that. You even answered that.
Why are you twisting things up now?

So that's fucking clear cut then. He inherited the money so despite us being married and of equal partnership he STILL considers this HIS money.

Where I live, this is the default marriage agreement. Only income and assets bought during the marriage are shared, excluding inheritances. The other two options are to share everything or nothing, but couples would have to actively choose them.

I think that's fair, so I wouldn’t be upset if my husband considered an inheritance as his.

My main issue would be how he saw me, and calling me his PA would probably break it.

The word divorce is being thrown around alot and you seem to come across as very entitled. Divorce is a very strong word and IMO shouldn't be used unless you are actually considering it. It's like the grim reaper of marriage. As soon as you mention it , it's always in the back of your mind.

If the situation was flipped, and he made a comment of the LR (Which I know you don't actually want) what would you say? If he wanted to buy little things with YOUR inheritance how would you react?

The money should be used to better the lives you have now, and tbh, if you are that skint and only have £4 in your account then you need to keep some money back for the future. Locked away, don't touch it.

What you both need to do is sit down and work out together how the money should be spent. My ex BIL blew £70k in a year and has nothing to show for it. Money doesn't last long, you need to figure out a sensible way to use it.

As for the PA/Secretary comment, my DH Has his own business , I am referred to as this by him even though I have another job where I work FT. He has said it just makes him come across a bit more professional when dealing with solicitors etc.

The way I think about it, if you won 100k on a scratch card today, and DH said ohhh I want a new car, I want this that and the other. I want complete access to it then how would you feel?

Nicoandtheniners when the house is sold and we buy our own then that's the way it works. I asked a solicitor when this nearly broke us upt he first time

Hmmm, well I got conflicting advice.

Maybe focus more on the insecurity and him treating you (you feel) as a lesser person, rather than the stupid car! There is clearly something underlying all this.

Iirc if the inheritance had been put into family finances then yes it could be split in the event of a divorce. But if it had always been kept separate then it wouldn't be considered.

I don't know if that's right but it's what I was told.

On this issue, I'd advise you to read on how you stand legally regarding this inheritance.

Of course this is more than a legal issue, but you did brought it up, so make sure you're not wrong about it.

I think you need to think about how you handle it. Needling him about a land rover you don't even want, which prompts him to say he won't buy you one, is pointless and inflammatory. If you take a step back and use a more tactful approach you might get a completely different response. I don't think you can even tell if he thinks it's family or his money from your interaction.

He did inherit the money, so I would say you assuming it can be spent any way you choose as family money is presumptuous and irritating to him. While it's a joint decision he really should have the greater say. If you'd inherited the money I think you would feel the same.

In any event, the confrontational way you talk about money seems to be the problem here.

Looks like it depends on the individual circumstances,

When will an inheritance be safe on divorce?

Pulling the above principles together, then, it is more likely that you will be able to keep your inheritance intact if:

• you have kept it completely separate from the matrimonial finances; and

• yours and your spouse’s needs (and the needs of any children) can be met by dividing the other assets alone.

When will an inheritance have to be shared on divorce?

You are likely to have to share your inheritance if:

• it has been mingled with the matrimonial assets – e.g. used to purchase the family home or to pay off the mortgage on the family home or to fund the family; and/or

• yours and your spouse’s needs (and the needs of any children) cannot be met from the matrimonial assets alone.

Nico no it sounds the same.

If we kept the house and moved into it and divorced then it's his.
But we sell the house and buy one jointly in our name with the money then it's both ours. And in a divorce I would likely to be entitled to half or more.

You seem to be saying you want half of the inheritance paid into your separate account?

I simply asked upthread if that would be a better idea. You read that. You even answered that.
Why are you twisting things up now?*

I’m not twisting! If anything I’ve been quite sympathetic or so I thought!

My reply was a summary! He suggested joint account, you suggested splitting money, offered a possible solution...joint, with discussion!

Anyhow, I’m obviously coming across wrong now! Don’t want to argue! Good luck

Actually in my opinion it is HIS money. It’s his inheritance to do what he wants to do with it.

I’d be more worried about how your dh speaks to you. It sounds like he talks down to you and in a superior tone. I’d be more worried about that if I was you.

And the reason the word 'divorce' is being bandied around is because of two things - if it's equal in divorce then why isn't it equal in marriage? It's just making a point.
And the second reason is that it has very very nearly broken us already.

Got you.

I can see why it's upsetting but I do also see his point of view. It would be more upsetting if you thought he'd never share it no matter what the problem/need is. But it seems it just might be that he thought a Land Rover was a bad choice?