He said he wouldn't buy me a Land Rover. Should I let it go?

[HisMoneyMyMoneyCardboardBox]

That title is a bit out of context but I wasn't sure what to put.

My husband inherited a house worth a lot of money. We are painfully broke but in arguments a couple of times he's used it to beat me round the head with as a 'come back' (there's been threads on this before in AIBU).

It bothered me enough to threaten to leave him. In the end we got counselling and it helped a lot.

Fast forward to now and after him making some seriously ill advised financial decisions (which I strongly advised against but he did it anyway) we are finally putting the house on the market and buying our own place.

I'm on maternity leave, so I've been doing most of the stuff with regards to estate agents and solicitors.
He's said a few things that have pissed me off though and given our past issues with this house and me feeling like he's not seeing us an equal, it's pissed me off.

First of all when getting the second valuation done on the house, he told the guy to contact me as he was working and referred to me as his secretary. Corrected himself and said I was a PA.

Today we live leave a Land Rover garage so I said why don't I get one when we sell the house (I don't want one really it was just a silly comment). He said
"You're note getting a Land Rover. It isn't happening."

I thought he was a bit of a bell for telling me I couldn't do something but forgot about it.

Tonight we were discussing things and after his firm response about Land Rovers earlier in the day I joked that I was going to buy one.
He said
"I'm not buying you a Land Rover."

So that's fucking clear cut then. He inherited the money so despite us being married and of equal partnership he STILL considers this HIS money.

He said it was a slip of the tongue but there has been so many bloody 'slips of the tongue'.
Is this it for the rest of my life now? This inequality? Him thinking that we are in a good position thanks to him? That I have to ask permission to buy things and what he says goes and he considers it his money that I'll be spending?!

You say there's a shared account for bills but otherwise money is kept to yourselves separately. So financially with separate accounts things have never really been shared and equal. The inheritance, whilst obviously on a much larger scale, is no different to his wages. He's keeping it to himself just as he has previous income. He probably doesn't see the problem because this has always been his mindset, you just didn't notice as the amounts involved were smaller.

Or, if you've gone from basically skint to inheriting a large amount maybe he's paranoid about loosing it by making (another), wrong decision and this is making him tight?

I remember your previous post and have a lot of sympathy for you af the time and glad that you have had couple's counselling. However I think you are being a bit unreasonable now and you need to calm down a little bit and actually wait until you have the money before deciding how you are going to spend it. You have no money at the moment so £100,000 is a huge amount and I think I would be having anxiety if my other half was adding up what they could spend it on before we even had it. It would be very U to ask to split the money and should be put into a joint account, but yes you shouldn't have to ask permission to spend it on a scooter.

I agree with blub if you have never had everything is shared arrangement, he is seeing the money as his.

You now want this arrangement to change, without any conversation. It will be difficult if this never was the arrangement.

Thanks for the input. I appreciate seeing different sides to this.

Can you see how you asking for half, might be seen as a bit grabby and contradictory?

You have never had a ‘one pot’. You are now saying we should have a ‘one pot’ ie your inheritance is equally mine, however give me half! Which is the opposite of the ‘one pot’!

Yes I can. That wouldn't be my reason though but I can see how it would seem that way.

Ah, I missed the bit about you having separate accounts.

DH and I pool everything, and all accounts are in both our names, so there's no real sense of "his" and "mine". But if your finances are kept separate, it would be odd now to demand that you have half of his money to put in your account, surely.

All the money would go into the joint account, yes.

It is just that it's appearing that I will have to ask dh's permission to buy things with [what he considers] his money.

That's not to say I wouldn't discuss purchases and not do it if he thought it was a bad idea.

It's just that already he's telling me that I can't spend money even on the smaller things.

hismoney regardless of your intentions, to now want a ‘one pot’ automatically, without any discussion is unreasonable.

I can totally see, if you have both always been skint and live month to month, it has never been a problem before or possibly not even discussed!

If you want the dynamics to change, a chat is needed.

I’d expect him to put a certain amount into the joint once the house has sold. If you were newly married without kids, I wouldn’t but after 20 years it’s definitely right you have access to some of his money too for the kids.

If he’s acting like a knob with it, I’d simply say that yes he’s inherited the money but unless he’s Scrooge then the kids deserve more than a lump of coal. Then ask for 20% of the remainder to be put into the joint, 30% into a joint savings account and if he kicks off, then say well it’s our money as we’re married so put it all in the joint.

It’s not going to be a fun conversation until he readjusts his attitude, and as you say divorce would remove all the money and leave you both worse off.

That has been discussed though, it is going int the shared account.
Is that what you mean?

I've now back tracked in panic and wondered if we need to split it in order to secure myself. It's just that people mentioned upthread that he was controlling and it made me wonder how I could secure myself I suppose.

I think you need to sit down together and have a grown up talk about money. You have been together for 20 years so you should be able to communicate and reach an agreement.

Sounds like he feels the money has come through him and that he has the right to overall control over it.

I had an inheritance - at that point dh and I didn't have joint accounts but we were married with kids. I oversaw how the money was spent as DH saw it as 'my money'. I spent 95% of it on family stuff, jointly agreed with dh.

However, I do the books in our house as dh finds it makes him very anxious so it wouldn't work any other way.

What would bother me in your situation is I think your dh should say 'yes, if you want a new car, the money's there, but I think a Land Rover is a no.' And 'yes, let's invest in new furniture once we move - what sort of style do you fancy?'.

It is family money and he should view it as such.

I mentioned tight and controlling, to try and establish if he has always been this way. You said no, he is a great husband, dad etc apart from this.

We then established, I think!! That you have a joint account for bills etc and separate accounts for ‘left over’ money? Which might be why he appears tight and controlling!

I think you need to establish what you want, a ‘one pot’ ie ALL money is pooled together and shared equally (which is what you seem to saying!)

Or to continue as before.

I think its a shame you made your title so click baity.

If I've understood it, you are in a not great position financially then he got a sum of money that could make a huge difference to your lives e.g buy a house/ a sofa/ a nice scooter for the kids.

You've been acting as if you are a team by helping with the arrangements for selling the house while you are on maternity leave.

But he has not involved you in any of the financial decisions he's made and he's made a joke that she's he sees you as working for him, not with him.

He's not spoken about how the money will benefit the family, so you've made the land Rover joke...I assume to prompt a discussion on what his plans actually are. And he's closed you out again.

Oh but he's a great dad.

Hmmm. Read the pinned post at the top of the board. The money is a red herring in a way. He's not treating the marriage as an equal partnership. He's not seeing you as someone to discuss his plans with. He's not valuing your contribution to the family.

You need to talk to him properly rather than setting subtle car related tests. If you can't do this, talk to a counselor about why not. If you can, but it goes badly post again with a different title.

Sorry for the long post. Good luck.

Why do you need one?

She doesn't. She is just annoyed that, despite being married, her husband regards the money he inherited as his and not theirs.

At least, that's how I interpreted it.

Is the money even available yet? Is it not still dependent on the house sale?

I thought we had discussed things. And he always says the right things. The money is ours etc

But the way he is acting doesn't say that.
When he said "I'm not buying you that." He said it was a slip of the tongue.
But there have been many telling slips of the tongue.

We have discussed money and as I said, he says all the right things.

I just feel so bloody insecure about all this. Which is just ridiculous given what an amazing position we have been put in.

Me and dh married for 25 years. Joint everything. When his parents died he inherited a nice sum of money. Not life changing . It is his money without question. It is in an account in his sole name. Oddly enough, he did buy me a modest car which I love and his parents would have loved me to have. Tbh it doesn't sound like there is much love going on there

You haven’t really discussed things as such. The money is ‘ours’ isn’t really a discussion is it?

What will separate accounts be used for? What will joint account be used for?
Will day to day expenses come from joint or separate?
Clothes for yourself, school uniform etc, etc?
Will bigger purchases come from separate or joint?
What is regarded as a bigger purchase?
Do you both have to agree on bigger purchases?
Are you keeping separate accounts, what money goes into these accounts?
Etc, etc

GoFiguireLTB

Inheritance is one thing, wage is another. Inheritance is for him to do with as he pleases including sharing it if he chooses. A wage is to support the family and the household.

That wouldn't work for me AJPTaylor.

If I'm inherit a lot of money when my parents die, I will without doubt be sharing it with my husband. As he intends to with me.
Or so he says.

No I suppose not Claw I guess I assumed it would be the same as before but we would have more money.

As someone who has inherited a sum of money (a relatively small amount) I did feel a responsibility to use it wisely and sensibly.

My relative worked really hard and had come through hard times. I would have found it incredibly difficult if Dh had decided I should buy him a land rover. It wouldn't have been in keeping with the way I felt about the money.

Inheritances come with a lot of emotional attachment and anybody suggesting "we were incredibly lucky " or "we had been put in an amazing situation " during the earlier days of my grief would have been shot down very quickly. Sixteen years later I would just see them as incredibly insensitive and rude.