He said he wouldn't buy me a Land Rover. Should I let it go?

[HisMoneyMyMoneyCardboardBox]

That title is a bit out of context but I wasn't sure what to put.

My husband inherited a house worth a lot of money. We are painfully broke but in arguments a couple of times he's used it to beat me round the head with as a 'come back' (there's been threads on this before in AIBU).

It bothered me enough to threaten to leave him. In the end we got counselling and it helped a lot.

Fast forward to now and after him making some seriously ill advised financial decisions (which I strongly advised against but he did it anyway) we are finally putting the house on the market and buying our own place.

I'm on maternity leave, so I've been doing most of the stuff with regards to estate agents and solicitors.
He's said a few things that have pissed me off though and given our past issues with this house and me feeling like he's not seeing us an equal, it's pissed me off.

First of all when getting the second valuation done on the house, he told the guy to contact me as he was working and referred to me as his secretary. Corrected himself and said I was a PA.

Today we live leave a Land Rover garage so I said why don't I get one when we sell the house (I don't want one really it was just a silly comment). He said
"You're note getting a Land Rover. It isn't happening."

I thought he was a bit of a bell for telling me I couldn't do something but forgot about it.

Tonight we were discussing things and after his firm response about Land Rovers earlier in the day I joked that I was going to buy one.
He said
"I'm not buying you a Land Rover."

So that's fucking clear cut then. He inherited the money so despite us being married and of equal partnership he STILL considers this HIS money.

He said it was a slip of the tongue but there has been so many bloody 'slips of the tongue'.
Is this it for the rest of my life now? This inequality? Him thinking that we are in a good position thanks to him? That I have to ask permission to buy things and what he says goes and he considers it his money that I'll be spending?!

You'd be better off with a used Toyota land cruiser.

If OP needed a car, and he'd said I'm not buying a car- fair enough. But she has 'joked' twice in one day about wanting a very expensive car, most likely unneeded. Twice in one day is not a joke, it's a hint or a wind up. I've not read other posts- but from this he sounds arsey, and you sound grabby. You've not given an example of him saying you (collectively) won't be spending the money on something that benefits you both, but that he won't buy you an expensive wanna be status symbol and you've got the humph.

Which makes me think OP presumably has some history with her partner (she did allude to that in her post, and counselling – it was all a bit incomprehensible so I'm not 100% sure) that is making this all a bigger deal than it normally would be.

And I understand that. However, it's likely that if all was well in the marriage there would have been a similar response from most people.

Other half says I might get a

I haven't read all the replies yet because I had to correct the first few.

I don't want a Land Rover!

I don't even need a new car. I have an old beat up loved car. I don't want to change it.

The Land Rover has nothing to do with it.

His comment does!

"I'm not buying you X Y X."

What the fuck? HES not buying me stuff? So our money isn't equal then?! I have to ask permission in future if I want to spend money??

Well, not so much asking permission but yes, couples usually agree on a plan before spending Land Rover amounts unless they have well over those amounts to spare!

It's women like you who make men terrified of marriage.

It's people like you who don't read the OP correctly that make people terrified of posting on Mumsnet.

Seriously what a hideous thing to say.

op what was your financial status before this painfully broke. I have £4 in my account.
We aren't down sizing. We rent. The house has been put on the market for £600 which is more than enough to buy a family home with and I'm genuinely worried it will ruin us. I feel like money brings out the arsehole in my husband.

Do you have to ask permission for all purchases? Reason being it could be the vast expense of a land rover that got his back up and made him say hell no.

Him called you his PA and acting snobby about it was mean.
It is his inheritance but you'd think he'd want to share some with his family.

Since he's so shit with money, the best thing he could do with it, is pay off all his/yours debts.

IDo you have to ask permission for all purchases?*

No. Because we are as equally broke as one another. The house has only just gone on the market. We are still broke.

its his inheritance once the house is sold, by law it is our money. In fact if we were to buy a place and divorce, because I will have the kids I will likely get more than half (according to a solicitor).

I know he inherited it and without him I'd still have nothing. To be honest, I've been happy with nothing. I was gutted when he inherited the house because I knew he would be a bit of a knob about it. When we are broke, there's nothing to be a knob about. We pay the bills, buy food and clothes, feed the kids, work our arses off and everyone is happy.

The only thing I have a problem with is him calling you his PA. That raises all sorts of flags for me.

As for the Land Rover. I wouldn't need 'permission' to buy one but I certainly wouldn't go out and spend that sort of money without discussing it first. His words may not have been the best but the intent I don't see as that bad. Maybe he has other plans for the money? Doesn't seem like it's really been spoken about.

IDoesn't seem like it's really been spoken about.*

It's funny you should say that because you're kind of right. Every time I suggest a way of spending the money
"DH when we move, can we get some new chest of drawers? These ones are driving me insane." (They are second hand and falling apart)
He shuts me down.
He actually gets wound up when if I try and discuss it.
We could end up with an excess of 100k after we buy a house yet he won't discuss buying a chest of drawers.

Also just so people don't think I've been nagging him to buy stuff.

Aside from the stupid Land Rover comment (I know it was stupid!) the only things I've suggested buying are
Chest of drawers
New sofa because DC2 jumped on ours and broke it
A new scooter for our eldest son

It's not like I'm suggesting diamonds and gold.

And he snapped my head off when I suggested a new scooter for DC1.

Does he have good points? I truly hope so as he sounds a prize arsehole.

The Land Rover is a SYMBOL, people!

So sorry for you situation OP. You clearly don't want a divorce, but you would like him to change. News: that is not going to happen. Control what you can, which is the power struggle.

Strong advice: stop engaging with him. Why? You are 100% guaranteed to lose. Believe him when he tells you who he is (I am not going to meet you half way and I do not consider your opinion) and act accordingly, ie STOP the futile power struggles.

Focus on yourself, stop obsessing about what he is doing, treat him with respect and kindness whatever he is doing or not doing, squirrel money away, start your own savings and investment and then you can buy your own Land Rover (symbol, people) for yourself.

It is the only way.

Does he have good points? I truly hope so as he sounds a prize arsehole.

He really does. He's amazing! He's a great husband, a brilliant dad, he works hard, he's loyal, funny and committed.

But money makes in a bit of a dick.
His dad is exactly the same.

Focus on yourself, stop obsessing about what he is doing, treat him with respect and kindness whatever he is doing or not doing, squirrel money away, start your own savings and investment

This is what I realised I had to do after I posted last night when trying to sleep.

I need to secure myself again.

When money or material possessions become a greater priority than the people in the relationship, then you have to question whether you're together for the right reason.

It sounds like if you took away the inheritance, what's left is a shell, a non-relationship. Where's the love? Where's the rapport? Why would you stay with someone who thinks of you as their secretary?!

You have a much bigger problem than him refusing to buy you a Land Rover

So he is tight and controlling? This has only come to light due to you now having money?

Are you sure he was ‘amazing’ before? Or just tight and controlling on a smaller scale?

He's a great husban

Sadly, your bar is obviously set very low if you think he's "great" based the the behaviour you've described. You let him treat you like a doormat!

Are you sure he was ‘amazing’ before? Or just tight and controlling on a smaller scale?
I wouldn't know. There was no money to control before. We would put X amount into the shared account to pay for bills and what we had left over of our earnings would be ours.
We both earn roughly the same amount so it seemed fair. There was nothing there to control.

ISo he is tight and controlling? This has only come to light due to you now having money?*

If this really is it, if he really is right and controlling, to stop future arguments and a prevent divorce do you think it would be unreasonable for me to ask to split the money left over for the house?

I can't believe I'm even having to ask this, but I don't want to constantly have to ask permission to spend money. And it's not like I throw money around. Im really careful and savvy with money. We have been together over 20 years - he knows I'm good with money.

Money can do that to a man. I know of two relationships where the man comes from a wealthy family. In both cases he tends to regard his partner as a bit beneath him. One has been known to say, " you wouldn't be where you are today but for me".

to stop future arguments and a prevent divorce do you think it would be unreasonable for me to ask to split the money left over for the house?

I think you doing this, would have the opposite effect! And make you look just as controlling!

It’s a marriage, you have to communicate, respect, love, cherish each other. Not split everything into two!

I don’t think you necessarily have to have a talk about the money, more about your relationship! The money is a bit of a red herring tbh.

When money or material possessions become a greater priority than the people in the relationship, then you have to question whether you're together for the right reason.

These are wise words indeed. When I met H I was quite well off, a lot of money in the bank, earning six figures. When we married we pooled everything.

Almost a couple of decades on all the money I brought into the marriage was gone, and the equity in our home reduced because I allowed H to use some of it on his career.

We ended up renting (he loved renting because we could rent a virtual mansion for the same cost as a mortgage over the term we would need).

Last year my family helped us financially to buy a house.

During the house purchase process he inherited a sum of money (more than the gift from my family). There was no conversation about it at all and he ploughed it into his business venture and bought £3ks worth of new technology.

So I get where you are coming from OP. Nothing to do with a Land Rover.

We are now divorcing (I have got a huge mortgage)!