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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I think my DH is having a breakdown

179 replies

Mercier1 · 13/04/2019 04:00

Don’t want to dripfeedbbut there so much detail to this. Long story short at the end of last year we moved house and a week later had a baby that arrived a little early. We weren’t really prepared for him (no bag packed etc) but never mind. There was a lot of arguing in the run up and my DH is under a lot of stress as he’s trying to complete the last year of a p/t degree he’s in his 6th year of this while working and kids etc.
During the move there was an issue with our house which tipped him over the edge. He bacame very anxious and not very sensible. In general his mood has been awful. Since then I have finally got him the GP in fact he has seen 3 diff ones. They all say he’s not depressed and there’s no real plan bar him being on the wait list for Councilling.
This week he went again and was signed off work for a fortnight. He’s crying all the time and has no patience with our toddler. The child is being challenging but he’s got a lot going on himself with all this change and his dad crying at the breakfast table.
Anyway tonight it really escalated.we were doing bedtime with a child each and long story short he couldn’t get the toddler to brush teeth or whatever and he screamed and swore at him. Toddler ran into my room scared and I told H to go down stairs. Comforted toddler and got baby to sleep. While cuddling toddler could hear a metal plate being thrown downstairs and my son was like what’s that ... lies and said daddy prob dropped a plate unloading the dishwasher. He also threw a bottle of Tabasco at the wall taking a chunk out of it.
Then he storms into the room getting clothes etc. I go downstairs and he’s making shakes to leave. Please bare in mind he is not in his right mind. He was saying he doesn’t want to be a dad, doesn’t like our son. Son deserves better and saying he will be better off with whoever you end up with. Really scared me but kids started crying so I had to attend to them and he left.
He did come back and I calmly tried to talk to him. Again asked would he see Counciller, said I would pay he got angry said stop trying to diagnose me.
In the end I left him too himself staring into space in the kitchen.
I have no idea what to do now. This isn’t an acceptable environment for our kids but he’s also mentally unwell. What options do I have?
I don’t have near by family I can go to, and my son is having toilet issues so I don’t want to leave our home either

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 13/04/2019 04:07

If your husband doesn't seek immediate help, I would tell him he needs to go. No matter his issues, it does not excuse his abuse. You simply can't live like this.

Original poster
Mercier1 · 13/04/2019 04:18

Which part would you call abuse?

OP posts:
Original poster
Mercier1 · 13/04/2019 04:19

Also what is immediate help? GP keeps saying he’s not depressed. When I question what he’s telling the GP he says I’m a shit listener and shuts down.

OP posts:
Snowdropheaven · 13/04/2019 04:21

The GP is wrong, there is definitely something going on. Have you gone to the doctors appointments with him? If not, you don't exactly know what he's told the doctor about his behaviour. Shouting and swearing at your toddler is not acceptable - yes be frustrated but take it elsewhere.

He needs to see a therapist fast but equally he has to be honest when talking to them otherwise it's just pointless.

DontCallMeDaisy · 13/04/2019 04:23

He can't stay. He might be unwell but it isn't safe for your children. You certainly can't leave them alone with him.

Tell him he needs to get help but away from the home. It doesn't mean you can't suppport him. If he won't go, can you contact his family members for support? I would also call GP to ask for advice.

Throwing things like that is worrying. It's domestic violence and you never know who could be in the way when he next lashes out. If he does get violent, do call the police. Whether you think it's because he is unwell or not, you can't risk anyone being hurt.

The time has come to prioritise safety over trying to persuade him to get appropriate help. He needs to take respinsobility for that now.

DontCallMeDaisy · 13/04/2019 04:26

I doubt very much if he told a GP what was happening they would send him away with nothing. He's either not telling them the full story or should see a different GP. You could go with him or call them yourself.

Original poster
Mercier1 · 13/04/2019 04:31

I called the GP myself on the sly and explained he was great but then my husband never saw him and saw a locum who apparently said I don’t care what your wife thinks, what do you think etc. I asked him if he told her he broke things he said no. My questions about what he told the GP led to a huge argument. She signed him off for a few weeks and told him to get his endorphins up which I thought was funny as my GP said similar but yeah know, I have a tiny baby and have been supporting him with studying so don’t have time to do anything for myself... I took antidepressants to try to get me through this shitstorm.
Anyway he’s never thrown stuff before but no one was around at the time. Not like him really.
I don’t know what medical help to access? I’m at a loss here.

OP posts:
Alicewond · 13/04/2019 04:32

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Original poster
Mercier1 · 13/04/2019 04:35

He won’t let me come to the GP. I have asked and offered. I tried to get him to choose a therapist online etc won’t do it and says he doesn’t really believe in therapy. How do I support my son through this he’s only three

OP posts:
Original poster
Mercier1 · 13/04/2019 04:36

@alicewond I have 2 children ffs

OP posts:
blackcat86 · 13/04/2019 04:39

He needs to move out. This has become all about him whilst you're needing to take antidepressants to cope. Does he care about that, ask you how you are? It doesn't sound like it. I'm sorry but his behaviour is self indulgent. You don't get to act like that when things get hard because you have 2 kids to look after. He needs to 1. Seek immediate individual therapy 2. Move out temporarily. Your toddler should not feel unsafe or frightened in his own home 3. He must engage in couples counselling.

I'm going through similar OP without the violence. I had an awful end to my pregnancy with DD (8 months), was in special care with her by myself and had an awful experience in hospital. I had little support when DH was off and none when he went back to work. I now have PND and all I hear is people's concern for DH. No one asks or cares how I am. I've demanded couples counselling to continue this marriage. Dont allow yourself to be drawn in. Make him seek action or go. You've already got 2 children, you dont need him acting like one to.

GeorgiaGirl52 · 13/04/2019 04:39

This is not safe. Tonight it's a plate and a bottle thrown. Tomorrow it may be a crying baby. Telling him to leave is not giving up on him. It is protecting your children and yourself. Maybe he needs the solitude. But if he asks to come back, make it conditional on counseling -- and You go to the counseling session too. Make sure he is telling the whole truth.

Alicewond · 13/04/2019 04:40

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Weejo39 · 13/04/2019 04:43

@Alicewond read the bloody thread properly before posting shitty comments. The OP clearly has 2 DC!!

DontCallMeDaisy · 13/04/2019 04:46

@Alicewond what is your problem? Go away

OP, it sounds like you have done all you can, without his cooperation, it's not going to get better. You need to now look at how best to get him out of the house.

Is there any family on your side or his that.will support you in asking him to leave?

If he throws things, call the police. It is domestic violence.

You leaving isn't ideal, but may be the safest option.

Original poster
Mercier1 · 13/04/2019 04:46

@blackcat86 god I hear you. I wanted to get a post partum doula because I could see this coming down the line during the end of my pregnancy. He didn’t like that idea.
The other day he said it was unethical for the GP to give me antidepressants if I wasn’t depressed and it wasn’t right that I was taking them to just cope with the relationship. I explained how I can’t fall apart because he is and my kids need me.
I’m questioning myself all the time, like when he came back from the GP I was like did you tell her XYZ and I asked a lot of questions but he completly took this as invasive and said I was wrong to do it. But surely I have a right to know, I said this is affecting each member of this family not just us.
We have done couples Councilling before but never worked hard at it. I wanted to go back but tbh it’s usless until her gets himself together.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mercier1 · 13/04/2019 04:47

@alicewond please leave me alone

OP posts:
Original poster
Mercier1 · 13/04/2019 04:50

My parents are dead, I have a sister but she’s in a diff country she said ppl do stuff they wouldn’t normally do when they aren’t in their right mind and she’s right. I could get in the car if I had too and go to a hotel. I have an aunt 3-4 hours away by car I could go too if I was desperate. I am currently disempacting my constipated toddler so that’s why I don’t want to leave the home atm.
I have no fucking clue what I would do if we split. We would certainly loose our house. I can’t even contemplate this right now.

OP posts:
Alicewond · 13/04/2019 04:52

The doctors can’t tell you anything he says
Due to confidentiality, will he open up to you?

NiteWotcha · 13/04/2019 04:52

Alice it's her second child obvs

You can report the thread if you want but don't trollhunt

blackcat86 · 13/04/2019 04:54

The therapist I've found said it can go hand in hand with individual therapy (providing the other therapist agrees). My DH needs to hear and acknowledge some of the shit he's put me through at the worst of times and I think a therapist could help do that. I've also said if I ever had another baby I would hire a doula because DH was useless (the issue being the staff weren't good either so me and DD were neglected despite actually being very unwell it turns out). I know, I often think my PND could just be called shit life syndrome. Does he acknowledge any wrong doing at all? Does he think things should just say the same but you stop taking medication because then it will all be ok? My MIL has honestly declared me cured of PND because I put a nice dress on the other day! I have to go back to work next month and runs business so I didnt have a bloody choice. These men frustrate me so much but the couples therapist said its very common and something they can work on. If your DH wont work on it then I think you have your answer there. As for the doula I'm horrified that he felt able to veto what you wanted. My DH at least understands why I would want one

Alicewond · 13/04/2019 04:57

@NiteWotcha I want being a troll, read my responses and my previous threads if need be, I answered as I felt honest, maybe wrong but who is perfect. I tried with my last response to make a connection

DontCallMeDaisy · 13/04/2019 04:57

What about his family? Friends? Do they know how he has been behaving? Could you tell them and get their help?

Londonexhile · 13/04/2019 04:59

Paternal PND. Whatever your view on if this is a thing or not, it's probably it. My husband has it and we're still suffering 20 months on. It's an absolute mess. Meds helped but now he's stopped taking them, and I don't think we'll last much longer. I'll try and find some links you could maybe show him to help?

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